by Allison Rios
“We figured that’s why you stopped talking to us in college,” Ava added.
Nella drained the loose-lip potion from her glass before she continued. “He loved her and she loved him and they started a life here while they planned their wedding. Then they started on the next phase of their lives.”
“In all the time they spent together, through all the laughter and the joy, I never saw him smile the same way he did when he was with you,” Ava interjected. “He loved her, but he wasn’t in love with her. I don’t think he ever could have been because his heart still belonged to you.”
“He tried so hard to move on,” Brooke said. “And she knew she would always be second in his heart. She was crazy about him though, and ignored everything she didn’t want to see just so they could be together. There came the point about a year ago when he realized that even though he was happy with her, it wasn’t fair that he still loved you, too.”
“I feel awful.” The guilt seeped quietly into her soul and for once, she regretted anything she’d done to create the situation Katie had been in.
“We all went out one night when Katie had gone home to see her parents and he asked us what we thought,” Brooke continued. “He wanted to know if he should go to you and tell you how he felt and we all said no. We knew if he went up there, he’d just leave with more heartache than a person should have. Thinking you didn’t love him was one thing, but hearing you tell him out loud would have broken him, even if you were lying with every inch of your being. You made it clear you didn’t want him back in your life and we thought he had a better chance of making it work with Katie than he had of winning you over.”
“What happened then?” Rae asked.
“When Katie came back, he told her how incredible she was and how much he cared for her, but that his heart wasn’t in their marriage anymore. He said it wasn’t fair; she deserved someone who would love her with his whole heart instead of just the pieces left over after another woman. If it were me being told that by a man I loved, I probably would have broken everything he owned,” said Nella. “Not Katie. She understood. She filed for a separation and James, well, he just kept on with life as it was, doing what he always did. He got the divorce papers last week and it was the first time I’ve seen any hesitation. He still signed them, though.”
“Why doesn’t he hate me?”
“I think,” Ava said, “when you love a person as much as you both loved each other once, there’s no room for hate. There’s room for frustration and anger and sadness at times, but there’s just not room for something as big and awful as hate.”
“You girls all had boyfriends in high school and I don’t see you pining for them. Ava, you married a man you met long after high school. Brooke doesn’t count because her boyfriends were a sham until she was brave enough to tell the world she liked girls. And Nella, you really don’t keep ties to anyone. Is it pathetic that I’m thirty-three and still in love with the same man since I was sixteen?”
It was the first time she’d uttered the words to anyone, including herself, in what seemed like forever.
“No. It is pathetic, however, that you won’t tell him that.
What happened to keep you from telling him?” Nella asked.
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“That’s the same excuse we’ve heard all these years. I think you’re the one hiding secrets from us,” Brooke added.
Rae shrunk into her seat. Brooke was spot on. Rae had been hiding secrets; secrets that would threaten not only her love of James but of every friendship she had. As she stood up, a wave of nausea washed over her and her knees buckled. Rae landed on the ground with a thud and quickly lifted herself up enough to crawl away from the group and vomit.
“A little too much to drink?” Ava asked. Nella’s arms wrapped around Rae and lifted her friend to her knees.
“You okay?” Nella whispered.
“Ava’s right. Must be too much to drink,” Rae replied.
Nella’s quizzical stare only made Rae more uncomfortable. Rae whispered a soft plea to her oldest friend. “I’ll explain later.”
Another wave of nausea hit and Rae excused herself for the evening. When the queasiness hit, it lingered for hours and Rae didn’t want to talk about her future any more than she had to.
Chapter 12
Friday, October 2
James stared at a photograph she’d given him before one of his many football games during their senior year of high school. He rarely took it out anymore, but seeing her again brought back all the memories he’d been pushing aside for so long.
She’d always done something special before each game, whether it was baking treats or writing him a note of encouragement. For the nine weeks of football season, he waited for every Friday morning at school to arrive, knowing with it would be something to remind him of their love.
He hadn’t kept the notes because had the boys found them, he’d of never heard the end of it. He kept the photos, though.
It hadn’t been a lifetime ago, but the two young people in the photo staring back at him sure looked like an entirely different couple. A few gray hairs had begun to pop up on each of their heads now, and a few small wrinkles had worked their way into their flesh. The most significant change, however, reflected in their smiles.
They’d had their moments, he recalled, where they’d fought like crazy and yelled at each other. She had the innate ability to conjure a storm within him with a touch, whether it be a storm of passion or one of anger. She could also immediately soothe any hurt he felt with one glance.
“You going to come out with everyone tomorrow?” He caught up with her as she approached her car to get home in time for curfew. The night hadn’t gone well, and he wanted to apologize for whatever he’d done to upset her.
The weeks since graduation had been stressful at best as they navigated the friendship phase of their relationship. The breakup had been anything but smooth. College loomed on the horizon, just a couple short months away, and he didn’t want to spend the rest of the summer fighting with her. They’d done enough of that before she’d told him the month before that she didn’t love him.
“Not sure.” Her brief answer seemed par for the course that evening.
“I can pick you up if you want. I’m going to pick up Reed,
Micah, and Brooke.”
“I can drive myself.” He watched as she fumbled with the keys.
She forced him to move away from the car by opening the door.
“Hey, I’m reaching out an olive branch here.”
“Why? You don’t need to. You don’t owe me anything.”
“What the hell is wrong with you?” he finally blurted out. “Yesterday you were fine, and today I feel like you want to bite my head off. What did I do?”
“Maybe it’s who you did.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” He wedged himself into the path of the door so she couldn’t shut it. She put the keys in the ignition and turned to face him.
“I know you kissed her.”
“And? I wasn’t trying to hide it. We went on a date. It wasn’t a secret. What are you getting so worked up for anyway? I heard you tell Aaron the other night that you loved him. You’ve already moved on so why can’t I?”
He caught her off guard with his statement. She hadn’t moved on; she had forced herself to unsuccessfully pretend to do so.
“Whatever.”
“No, not whatever,” he said. He squatted down to get closer to eye level with her. “I have to watch you two every time we all hang out. I see him putting his hand on your waist, kissing your lips. I have to watch you smile at him like you used to smile at me. I’m heading off to college soon, and I should be glad I don’t have to witness this on a daily basis, but all I can think about is how awful it will be to not see you every single day. Because at the end of the day, I’d rather be able to see you in any way than to not see you at all. I put on a happy face and pretend I’m excited for you. I wan
t you to be happy Rae, but I want to be happy, too.”
“I’m not trying to rub it in your face.”
“I didn’t say you were.”
He stood up and took a few steps, running his fingers through his semi-dried hair after a night in the pool. His swim trunks hung dangerously low on his hips, and he watched as she glanced at the six-pack above his waistline, just as she had a thousand times before.
“It’s just not fair. I want to be the one with you, Rae. I want to be the guy whose hand is around your waist. I want to be the one kissing you. What am I supposed to do here? Do you want me to wait for you? I’ll do it if that’s what you want. If you want me to wait here while you see what there is to see, I’ll wait. I’ll wait two years or five years or ten years – whatever it takes for you to be ready to come back to me. Just tell me what you want me to do. Tell me so I can do it because trying to figure out what your mind is thinking is driving me insane.”
She sighed and straightened out her dress.
“It hurt hearing that you kissed her.” The irony in her statement was apparent to both of them. “I didn’t think it would bother me, but it does.”
“I’m sorry I hurt you, but I’m hurting here, too, Rae.”
“I know you are.”
“So what do we do? Tell me, Rae. Tell me to wait or tell me to go. Tell me again you don’t love me so I can let go and figure out the next part of my life.”
“I’m sorry I snapped at you. I don’t have a right to be angry. We are done, James. Our story took up a few chapters of our life story and I’m grateful for it. I’m appreciative of the memories we’ve made. And yes, sometimes I wish I still did have you as a boyfriend. But you just said it: you’re leaving for college in a few weeks. We are going in two different directions. When we get to school in a couple months, we won’t see each other anymore. You’ll be busy and I’ll be busy and any promise we make to visit on the weekends will dwindle. You’ll have parties to go to and I’ll be doing my thing, and I don’t want us to end like that.”
“So, you’d rather us end like this? Being mad at each other for dating other people? Angry at one another for choices we made and the consequences they bring?”
“We made a choice and we have to live with that.”
“No, Rae, you’re the one who made a choice. I didn’t want us to end. I didn’t want to go to prom as your buddy. I didn’t want to start the summer off after graduation watching you make out with my friend. Tell me what you want me to do. I swear, I’ll wait for you until after college if that’s what you need from me.”
“I want you to live your life, James, and I’ll live mine. I’m sorry I got mad. Just because I don’t want to be together doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings for you.”
“Ahhhh!” James yelled. “I don’t understand you at all. If you still have feelings for me, why aren’t we together? We didn’t break up because we hate each other or because we hurt each other. We broke up because you’re worried about what next month or next year or the next four years bring. What about right now? What about today?”
“Today, I’m going to be late for curfew. I’ll see you when I see you.”
The car pulled away and with it went his heart. She’d broken up with him and found someone new, and yet he still found himself pulled to her. As much anger as he held, with it came twice as much love.
Chapter 13
Saturday, October 3
Micah’s feet hit the pavement in a smooth, steady beat. The brightly colored sneakers reflected the morning sun, and he let the breeze wash over him and peel away the frustration building within him.
He loved the feeling of each foot of land disappearing before the next as he worked on completing his daily five-mile run. In a town where everything stayed the same and people seldom moved, he sought any opportunity to feel like he was heading somewhere. He loved his home, but sometimes the loneliness crept in and reminded him of everything he didn’t have.
The reunion brought to mind so many different feelings. Every five years carried a new opportunity to reminisce about all of the people and things that had lent a hand in developing him. In the years in-between, he locked away any of the crazy emotions he’d accumulated at reunion time, with its incessant reminder that he was no closer to happiness than he’d been five years before.
When Micah saw her in the distance, his first thought had been to turn the other way. She’d come to town a handful of times over the years. He'd always made other plans to be somewhere. He knew others thought he was ridiculous for his dislike of her, but Rae had broken his friend’s heart, and he’d been the one who’d had to restore James to a functioning human.
The truth was Micah didn’t hate her. He hated what she’d done. As a person, he’d always really liked Rae. On occasion, he’d found himself jealous that his best friend had found such a gorgeous and sweet girlfriend. She treated all James’ friends like they were her family so when she’d left him, Micah took it far more personally than he should have.
He approached where she sat on a bench under one of the most massive oak trees on the main street. Her posture told him she was well aware of his feelings towards her and he simultaneously felt a little bit of joy over the notion.
“Hey,” he said. He stretched to ease the tension between them.
“Hey,” she replied.
“What are you doing here?”
“Avoiding my mother. You?”
“Staying fit for the ladies.”
She smiled, and he found himself returning the gesture. James would never let go of what they had. Micah knew he had to find a way to live with it or even help rebuild it.
“You always were a ladies’ man,” Rae said.
“Avoiding your mom, huh? What’d she do this time?”
“She wants me to move home. Even promised to restore my bedroom back to all its glory if I wanted. As if that would be enticing.”
“And you don’t want to, I take it? I imagine leaving Chicago and the life you’ve built would be hard.”
His words came out far more sarcastic than he’d hoped.
“I don’t know,” she replied. “It’s nice being here, but it’s also, I don’t know.”
“The same.”
“Yeah,” she said. “Do you remember how we all used to talk about getting away from Jessup? We all had these glorious plans to grow up and go out across the country; to travel the world even.”
“You did it,” he replied. “You made it happen.”
“No, life made it happen,” she replied. “I ended up in Chicago for the same reason I ended up on this bench today. Avoidance.”
“You’re not eighteen anymore, Rae. If you want to do something in life it should be because you want to, not because you’re avoiding something.”
At the exact moment his words left his mouth, he caught a glimpse of Nella in front of her boutique and immediately turned his back.
“Wise words,” Rae said. “Perhaps you might want to heed them.” She smiled, and he rolled his eyes.
Micah looked closely at the woman in front of him. Though people grow and change, he sensed she was still the same loving woman he’d grown up with.
“Can I ask you something? Bluntly?”
“You’ve never really asked a question any other way,” Rae said.
“What are your intentions with James?”
“You sound like a father.”
“I mean it,” Micah replied. “I just want to know if I need to prepare for another monumental collapse when you run out of here in a couple of days.”
Rae sighed. Micah’s question was a fair one.
“I know you don’t like me being here, Micah. And I deserve every bit of that anger. Believe me when I say I am sorry for how I handled everything way back when. I was selfish, self-centered, and focused only on my own feelings. I don’t intend to stay long if that answers your question.”
He shifted over to the bench and took a seat next to her. Micah stared straight ahead
as he tried to relay all of the thoughts clouding his mind.
“Rae, I like you plenty. You are an amazing woman. You were an amazing girl. James wasn’t the only one who loved you, even though the rest of us loved you in a very different way.” He turned his gaze towards her. “I’ve been mad at you for fifteen years. Honestly, I hate feeling this way. And I stay mad because while you’re in Chicago and your mom is telling us all about the great things you’ve got going on, I’m back here watching one thing after another fall apart for James because his soul is still attached to someone hundreds of miles away. Do you still care about him?”
“I’m not here to hurt him any more than I already have,” Rae replied. “I’m really not.”
“I know that. I don’t think you set out to do any of that. It just happens because of underlying circumstances. If you’re here to test the waters, let me know.”
“I’m not here to test the waters, Micah. I promise. I came back to Jessup … well, I guess I came back to make amends that have been a long time coming. I came back to settle old grievances and move on. I have no interest in a love life,” she said. “I won’t have time for any of that anyway.”