by Allison Rios
“Too busy for everything with your big job, huh?”
“Something like that,” Rae said. “Trust me when I tell you that I’m not here to bother James. Truly. I’m here to see all of you and hopefully have a really great weekend before I have to head back to reality.”
Rae forced herself to lock eyes with Micah, as uncomfortable as it was.
“Micah, you are a great man. You have obviously been a great friend to James. I am, with all my heart, sorry for putting you in the situation I did all those years ago. Mostly because I know how hard it was for you to pick up the pieces, but also because I walked out on the friendship you and I had. I’ve really missed you. I know James is like a brother to you. I promise you that I am here right now to say goodbye to him and mend the fences so that we can all carry on with our lives. And that includes mending fences with you. I get why you have animosity towards me, and I deserve it. I don’t expect you to let that go. I want you to know how very, very sorry I am for all the pain I caused you. I know it wasn’t easy having to clean up the aftermath of Hurricane Rae, but I appreciate that you were there for him. No one is a better friend than you are.”
“Hey!” James yelled. The interruption caused Micah to jump up and away from Rae as though being friendly with her would be detrimental to his friendship with James.
“Hey!” Micah said. “Nice day. Warm day. What’re you doing out here?”
“Saw you two from the window so thought I’d come say hi. Everything okay?”
“I was just going,” Micah said. “I’ll see you both later.” He took off in the distance and looked back to see James motioning to the coffee shop.
Micah hoped the only thing James would leave there with would be a warm cup, and not a broken heart. As much as he wanted James and Rae to keep their distance from each other, he couldn’t help but want to see them back together, too. Despite the past, Micah still had a soft spot in his heart for Rae.
Chapter 14
Saturday, October 3
There’d always been something transfixing about the memory of her, even if the vision vanished with the first glint of sunlight through the royal-blue bedroom curtains. She’d linger on his mind for days at a time after the slightest hint of the perfume she used to spritz along her delicate neck. She always dabbed it directly beneath the thin, gold chain carrying two golden hearts intertwined. She’d worn that symbol of love since he’d given it to her their first Christmas together. Having her seated across from him sipping a hot cup of coffee with the lips he’d memorized over and over with every kiss now brought on feelings he hadn’t experienced in years.
He’d gone to college with the ultimate goal of becoming a financial planner with an international company. He’d always wanted to travel. However, other expenses came first and the furthest he’d been on any trip, work or otherwise, had been about five states to the west. Growing up, he’d buried his nose in books about history and geography, posting magazine pages on his wall of the best vacation spots in the world.
College came and went in what seemed like the blink of an eye. When life didn’t pan out, he returned to Jessup for good – jobless and near penniless – and found comfort in the familiarity during uncertain times. Life puttered along much as it had during his high school years, with cookouts and bonfires with friends, drinking liquor they were now old enough to buy themselves.
“Your daughter is beautiful,” Rae blurted out. Her cup rattled against the orange countertop of the antiquated shop. The cream did little to hide the still-awful flavor of the coffee.
James smiled and slowly stirred his soot-colored – and soot-flavored – drink.
“She’s not my daughter, Raelyn.” He glanced at her and smiled, knowing she’d probably cringe at the use of her proper name. “Sorry, Rae.”
“She’s not?” Rae nearly choked on her words.
“No,” he said with a laugh. “Ruth is my niece.”
“I thought –”
“You thought incorrectly,” he said. Lifting the glass to his mouth, he took a sip before deciding against another. “I just take care of her now. She’s Brian’s daughter.”
“Your brother, Brian?”
“The one and only.”
“Brian doesn’t take care of her? That doesn’t seem like the guy I remember. He always had his head on straight.”
“Wow, you really have been gone a long time, haven’t you? Seriously, you’re hurting my feelings a little. Weren’t you ever curious about what happened to me? I know I was curious about you. You’re making it pretty obvious that you haven’t thought about me once over the years.”
Embarrassment welled within her, and she bit her lower lip. He was reminded of the many times she’d done that during their time together when she was nervous or uncomfortable.
“Brian actually took excellent care of her,” he replied.
“He and Sophia. I don’t think you ever met his wife, Sophia. They were amazing parents.”
“Were?”
It didn't matter how many years had passed. Talking about Brian and Sophia always brought tears to his eyes.
“They were in a car accident about five years ago now.
Neither one survived.”
“Oh, James, I’m so sorry to hear that,” Rae said. Her hands rushed to her mouth as quickly as the exasperated breath escaped. “He’s really gone?”
“He’s really gone, Rae. My parents were going to take Ruth in, but they felt it was important she had more than just grandparents. She needed a father and mother figure, even if other people had to take on those roles. I had a big house I’d bought with the hopes of raising a family in, so she came to live with Katie and me. We’ve been making it work ever since.”
“I can’t even imagine how horrible that must have been for you. I mean, not her coming to live with you, but losing your brother. Her losing her parents.”
“Life hands us a lot of awful things, Rae. We can choose to make something good from the bad or we can fall and lose ourselves. There were definitely times I fell and lost myself. When I had to look out for Ruth, when I had to make life easier for her, I didn’t have the option to get lost. She sort of saved my life, to be honest.”
He took another sip of the coffee he’d momentarily forgotten his distaste for and shifted his gaze to the street outside. James specifically remembered racing past the lights of the diner on the way to the hospital on the night his life changed forever.
On a cold Saturday in the middle of November, he’d joined his friends in Micah’s backyard. The crew had just begun their planning for a trip down south to go camping and fish for a week when James’ phone rang. He’d almost ignored it as he would have anytime he was out with friends – he always thought it so rude that others let a cell phone interrupt their conversation – though something gnawed at him to answer. He recognized his father’s number and knew that his old man calling past ten at night was a bad sign.
“Dad, is everything okay?” James set the beer on the arm of his chair and signaled to the men that he’d be right back. “Did something happen to Mom?”
“James, I need you to come to the hospital right now.”
“Is it Mom? Dad, what’s wrong?”
“It’s not your mother, son. It’s Brian. Brian and Sophia.”
“What happened to them?”
“There was a car accident.” His father choked on the words and the breadth of emotion spewing forth in that one, little gasp sent shivers through James’ body. He’d never heard his father cry. He’d never heard the man so much as stutter. He knew it was bad. “On County Road, out past the Greysberry farm. The paramedics said a man fell asleep at the wheel of his pickup and crossed the center line, hitting Brian’s car head-on.”
“How are they? Are they going to be okay?”
“They say Sophia died instantly. Brian is barely holding on. We just got here a minute ago, Gramps got here before we did. I think you should get here quick, James.”
His father broke
down in sobs that echoed through the phone and straight to James’ soul. The younger man’s knees buckled, and he dropped to the ground just before Micah reached him. Brian had always been his hero. As kids, he followed his older brother around and copied whatever his idol did. In school, James always made it known who his older brother was and by high school, he didn’t mind at all when teachers compared him to Brian. He enjoyed being cast in the same light as his brother. The emotional ego-blow of moving back to Jessup had been softened by evenings spent with Brian shooting hoops on the cracked concrete of the family home while Ruth cooed softly from her perch on Sophia’s lap.
“What about Ruth?” James managed to utter words that didn’t want to speak themselves into consciousness.
“She was with us, thank God. She doesn’t know about anything yet. We left her with Mrs. Pinemore. You need to get here. Can someone drive you?”
“One of the guys will bring me. I’ll be right there, okay? Tell Brian to hold on for me.”
“What’s going on?” Micah asked as James tried to stand upright despite the tremors rushing over him.
“A car accident. Brian was in a car accident. I have to get to the hospital!”
“I’ll drive you.”
“I can drive myself!”
“Like hell you can!” Micah said. He grabbed his keys, and Nella tossed him his jacket as he led James to the truck. “Get in. Guys, we’ll be back. I’ll call you in a bit.” Their friends weren’t planning on waiting, though, and filled the truck bed in support.
The truck. James couldn’t help but wonder if the truck that hit his brother was anything like the truck he had just climbed into. Micah stepped on the gas and the group trekked towards the hospital. They passed Rae’s house on route and James caught a glimpse of his young niece swinging on the porch swing with Lorraine. He’d grown to love her like a second mother, despite him and her daughter parting ways.
All he could think about was how they were going to tell that little girl about her parents. Then he realized he’d just made an enormous assumption about his brother. The thought didn’t remain an assumption long. By the time James walked through the double doors of a hospital last decorated in the 1970s, Brian had already taken his last breaths. Gramps met James at the door and the young man knew instantly. His grandfather would have never left Brian’s side if air still lingered in his lungs. James pulled Gramps into a hug and Micah joined them. There was no doubt that his life would be unequivocally changed. His thoughts of Katie, Rae, and everything else would need to be pushed aside to make room for the many thoughts on how to raise a child.
Rae’s gentle voice interrupted James’ torturous trip down memory lane.
“You’ve always been a noble guy,” she said.
“I don’t know if noble is the word for it.”
In a moment of weakness, she blurted out the words crowding her thoughts.
“Why aren’t you fighting for your marriage?” She instantly regretted the words and bit her tongue in self-admonishment while she looked away to avoid seeing his reaction. “I’m sorry,
I’m so nosy! That’s not my business.”
“It’s okay,” he said, smiling. “You finally talked to the girls, huh?”
She nodded, utter embarrassment tinging her skin every shade of pink possible.
“Makes me feel a little better. To answer your question, I did fight for it, for a long time. I know I emailed you about getting engaged and then getting married because that’s what friends do. Now I’m wondering if you ever read anything I sent you.”
Guilt quickly replaced the embarrassment.
“That’s what I thought,” he said with a laugh. “And that’s why I stopped emailing you. I figured you just didn’t want to hear from me.”
“I didn’t want to hear from anyone,” she replied. “Not just you.”
“Especially me,” he said. His half-smile told her he understood. “I think we all go through that sometimes. Katie and I, we had different ideas about life. And to be honest, I rushed into that relationship. I wasn’t over you yet. While I wanted to be in love with Katie, my heart just wasn’t there. The tension just got worse as the years passed and we couldn’t have kids of our own. She and Ruth were really close, and she was really good at being a mother figure, but she just never really felt like Ruth’s mom. She wanted a baby of her own. The two of us in that big house with empty bedrooms we’d dreamed of filling with babies brought out the worst in us. We decided to go our separate ways.”
“I’m really sorry to hear that,” Rae said. “I might not have asked about you, but I don’t know that a day ever passed where I didn’t wish you were happy.”
“Well, that slightly makes up for ignoring me.” He grinned, and she returned the sentiment. “How about you?
You have a man?”
“No,” she replied. “I was dating someone, but he broke it off a few months back.”
“You okay?”
“See? Noble. You’re concerned about if I’m okay after everything I did to you.”
“We were kids, Rae. Hell, we’re thirty-three now and I can still barely make an adult decision. All that history we have is water long gone under the bridge.”
“The problem is that some water just never moves, James.
Gets stagnant and ends up being bad for you.”
“What water is stagnant in your life, Rae? What about you? You get married?”
“Me? No. I came close but we just didn’t make it.”
“What happened?”
“Are we really sitting here talking about this?” she asked.
“Why not? The way we go, I might not see you for another fifteen years, so we’ll catch up again then.” He winked at her, just as he always had when he wanted to get her to smile.
“Where do I start? Let’s see, my ex-fiancé, Braden, wanted kids so badly. Like, he would have just started right then and there pre-wedding if he could have,” she laughed. “He is a wonderful person, he really is. I don’t know why he ever thought I deserved to be with him.”
“You deserve happiness, Rae. Don’t ever doubt that.” He waited until she looked up to meet his gaze. “What happened? You didn’t want kids? I know we’re young, but I figured you’d have a family early in life.”
“Not that I didn’t want them.” She looked around to make sure they were not going to be overheard. “I can’t have them. How’s that for karmic retribution?” She’d longed for a family of her own for as long as she could remember, and the wickedest way life could repay her for giving away her firstborn was the absence of little feet running through a house.
“Are you sure?”
She laughed softly, although he was sure the memory was anything but funny.
“Yes, I’m quite sure. Children are not in the cards for me. Not biologically, not any other way. I can’t believe that we both ended up this age without kids.”
“You could adopt,” James answered.
“Adoption is not the route for me,” she replied. “Children aren’t something that I’ll experience, and children were what my ex-fiancé lived for. I had to be honest with him when I found out exactly how badly he wanted them. When I told him that I couldn’t carry a child, he said it was okay and that we’d be fine, just the two of us. His words were exactly what I wanted to – no, what I needed to hear. But his eyes said everything his heart wouldn’t. I imagine we would have ended up quite like you and Katie, with our fighting echoing over the stillness of an empty house. The idea of a life without a family just about broke him, but he is an honorable man and he’d made a commitment to me that he was determined to keep. He was willing to give up that dream for me, and I can’t say I would have done the same for another person. I couldn’t let him do that.”
“What if his dream was you? I’ve been there. I know it’s possible.”
“Life is so short,” she replied, twisting the glass between her fingers. “It’s not fair to ask someone to give up what they really want in life t
o make us happy. If you can’t find someone who wants the same things, then that is just how life goes. But I could never ask him to forgo everything he wanted – coaching little league, taking his daughter to a father-daughter dance – because of my convictions.”
“And why is adoption out of the question?”
“It is. It just is.” She looked away and dropped her hands into her lap. He’d struck a nerve and decided to let it drop.
“Fine,” he replied. “I’ll leave it alone. I think you’d make a great mother though.”
“How do you do it?” she asked.
“Do what?”
“Love a child that isn’t yours like she is yours? I don’t know if I could do that.”
“I think you’d be surprised at what your heart is capable of, Rae. I see Ruth and you’re right, she’s not mine. But that doesn’t make me love her any less. I don’t wake up in the morning thinking that I’m going to take care of someone else’s kid today. I wake up thinking about what I need to do for this child that I’ve loved for longer than I haven’t. She’s not my own but she is. You don’t think you could ever feel that way about a child you didn’t give birth to?”
“Do you think you could just adopt and love more children if you couldn’t have any of your own, James?”
A beep interrupted her and James watched as she twisted the top on a medication bottle she fought to hide within the confines of her purse. She pulled out two small pills and quickly swallowed them.
“You okay?” he asked.
“As good as I’ll ever be.”