Fifteen Years

by Allison Rios

  “Baby, I’m a fool. I completely forgot about ordering you a flower. Mr. Barber had gotten the last one for his wife, but he was kind enough to give it to me for tonight.”

  Nella looked at Micah with hopeful eyes.

  “Sorry. No flowers are available for miles. I figured they needed it more than us anyway,” Micah said, nodding over at the crazy-in-love couple next to them.

  “Just as well,” Nella said. “I’m not a fan of pink. I’m more of a white roses type of girl.”

  “You remembered all these years later?”

  “Yeah,” he replied. “I mean, I knew before prom that white roses were your favorite.”

  “You did not!”

  “I did. Remember that time James brought Rae a bouquet, and we were sitting at the diner watching them as he handed them to her? You went on and on about how red flowers were too fairytale and pink roses were for little girls, but white roses were strong and beautiful in their own right.”

  “You mean all this time you’ve actually listened to what I say when I talk? Actually listened?”

  “Well, yeah,” he said as the blush raced across his cheeks. To save face, he added, “I mean, that’s what you do when someone you care about is talking, right?”

  “Yeah,” she replied with a grin. “I guess so. Thank you, Micah.”

  Chapter 17

  Saturday, October 3

  The room seemed to grow smaller and smaller during dinner as each minute passed. James sat across from Rae so he could look at her all night, while Rae tried her hardest to avoid eye contact. Stories flew like stars in the sky, plentiful and scattered. When she just couldn’t take the memories anymore, she excused herself and bolted to the bathroom.

  Rae shut the bathroom door behind her and braced her trembling hands against the sink. Her mind pleaded for some composure though the pounding in her chest beat back any sensibility she might have mustered. She pooled the fresh water from the sink in her hands until the cold transferred and she lifted the chill to her cheeks to ease the blush of anxiety.

  The last time she’d felt so sick, she’d been watching him embrace another woman. The overwhelming urge to exile the food she’d eaten – mostly to avoid talking – nearly doubled when a knock pushed through the loudness of her thoughts.

  “Rae, you in there?”

  His voice, soft and concerned, penetrated the oak barrier. She gently brushed the hair of a wig she hated away from her flushed cheeks.

  “Rae?”

  She didn’t move and didn’t breathe in the hope that he would give up and go away.

  “I know you’re in there. There’s no other place you could have gone. I’m counting to three, and then I’m coming in. You better get decent.”

  Rae stepped outside and closed the door behind her.

  She leaned back on the chilly cinderblock wall for support.

  James placed his hand against the wall near her head and leaned in towards her as though to examine her and make sure she was okay.

  “I’m fine,” she whispered. The tears threatened to leak again, and she fought to keep them from revealing everything she felt at the moment.

  “We better get going. They all went ahead to the reunion,” he said. “I’ll give you a lift.”

  Her mind drifted to the days when getting a lift from him brought her utter excitement.

  The truck ambled down the dusty road as the sun set just over the horizon. The vibrant pinks and reds faded into a dark navy sky and allowed the stars to pop against the muted background. They’d been driving for over an hour to nowhere in particular, and she enjoyed every moment of his arm around her in the front seat of that old truck.

  A song filtered onto the radio and as the waves of music hit her ears, she recalled the very first time she’d ever danced to that song had been with him at their very first dance.

  He must have remembered, too, because he pulled the truck to the side and hopped out.

  “Come on,” he said as he tugged at her hand.

  “Where?”

  “Out here!”

  “Why are we getting out of the truck?” she asked. He lifted her gently down to the ground.

  Without saying a word, James wrapped her in his arms and started swaying to the tune drifting from the old speakers.

  She felt safest wrapped in his embrace. Her senses took over, and she let each one etch every aspect of the moment to memory.

  The wind tugged at her floral-print dress. She matched his gaze, and with more longing than she’d ever felt, she kissed him just as she had a thousand times before. She searched for reasons not to love him; not to want him with every inch of her soul. She found none.

  The school year would end soon, and they’d be going to different schools so far apart from each other. She didn’t feel right about asking him to adjust his college experience to stay together. In addition, she didn’t want to change her own plans. She’d thought out the difficulty in visiting the other’s college, the reality that they’d likely see each other mostly on school breaks. It wouldn’t be fair to either of them.

  Then he’d blindside her with moments like this, perfect moments. Moments where he erased the rest of the world so that just the two of them danced beneath the moon. Her resolve wavered and she forced herself to forget about the plan to break up, at least for one more day.

  As the song ended, he dipped her and brought her back up to his lips.

  “This is the rest of our life, baby,” he said.

  “I don’t feel much like going to the reunion tonight,” she said suddenly. Rae didn’t feel much like doing anything except wrapping the crisp sheets wrapped around her in the comfort of her bed while she slept away the painful memories overwhelming her heart.

  “Is it me? Do I make you uncomfortable? I’m sorry, darlin’. I can just drop you off there and leave.”

  “James,” she said. Her eyes pleaded with him to just give her an out.

  “Didn’t mean to call you that. Force of habit when I see a pretty girl. I get to see these guys all the time, I don’t need to be there. You came all the way back here, and I don’t want to ruin this for you.”

  “This is your reunion, too.”

  “But you came all the way back to Jessup. It’d be a shame for you to leave without seeing everyone. I’ll drop you off and head out.”

  “James, just stop!”

  “Stop what?”

  He brushed a lone strand of hair back, and she quickly caught his hand, afraid that he’d notice the hair wasn’t the same soft locks he’d stroked once upon a time.

  “Stop apologizing. Stop making excuses for me. Stop treating me like I’m some wonderful person when I’m clearly the one ruining this weekend for both of us.”

  As she held his hand, his breath lingered near her skin. Suddenly, she felt sixteen again. Before she could stop herself, she pressed her lips to his and remained there longer than she should have before pulling herself away. The urge to do it again and run were equal.

  “I’m so sorry,” she whispered. “I didn’t mean to –”

  “It’s okay,” he replied. He leaned in towards her again, and she turned her face away. “Rae, you’re not a terrible person, and you’re not ruining this weekend for me.

  What’s wrong?”

  “I shouldn’t have done that,” she said. “It’s just everything. You, being back here, seeing everyone again. It’s bringing back a lot of feelings and memories I’d forgotten about and honestly, don’t think I want to remember. They just complicate everything.”

  She watched as he turned his back. His fingers ran through his thick hair, and she remembered how he’d do the same so long ago when she’d driven him to the brink.

  “What are we doing, Rae?”

  “You and I can never happen again, James. Our opportunity passed by a long time ago.”

  “What are you afraid of?”

  “Why do I have to be afraid? Why can I just not want this?”

  “I know you still feel s
omething for me, Rae. You kissed me. You kissed me. I’m trying to bury whatever hatchet we have here so we can have a pleasant weekend with our friends, but you just erased that possibility because that kiss is all I’ve been thinking about since you left my dorm room fourteen years ago.”

  “I made a mistake.”

  “You seem to make a lot of those.” James laughed. He tussled the waves atop his head, only furthering the dishevelment. The small strands of silver and that unkempt look only made him look even more handsome than she remembered. “Sorry.”

  “No apology is necessary, James. You’re right – I make a lot of mistakes. That’s why this time I’m saying no to what we both know would inevitably be one of those mistakes. You don’t love me. You love the idea of us that used to exist when we were eighteen. So much time has passed, and we are completely different people now. At least I am.”

  “I’m pretty sure that’s not true.” Leaning back against the truck, James folded his muscled arms across his chest and smiled at her. “You’ve never been able to let yourself just be happy Rae. What’s it gonna take for you to grant yourself permission to be happy for once in your life?”

  “I am happy.”

  “Bits and pieces of you are happy. I knew from the morning we sat in that café that you are missing something from your life. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I could make all of you happy.”

  “You can’t just rush in and make me happy,” Rae said. “For a while, maybe. Eventually, the novelty of memories and how things used to be will wear off, and there will come a time when we just have heartbreak.”

  “How are you so sure of that?”

  Rae took note of his evident frustration. While they may have changed over the years, their facial expressions and ways of speaking with each other apparently had not.

  “I’m just going to lay this out there for you. I’m standing here, Rae,” James said, pointing at the ground. “I’m standing here in front of you with my arms and my heart open, practically begging you to give us a chance. To give us the opportunity to see if you’re home again because we are supposed to be a part of each other’s lives. If you weren’t here right now, I’d have been on my way up to Chicago to find out if there is anything left between us. It sounds stupid, I know, so very naïve and crazy to think that what we had way back then could still mean something. But no matter what I’ve tried to do, Rae, you’re the only one I think about. You’re the only woman I can see spending my life with. It’s always been you. I love you, Rae. I’ve loved you since the day you asked me to a dance I couldn’t go to. After everything we’ve been through, I’m still waiting here to catch just one more look at you; to watch your lips tell me one more story. All the highs and lows don’t matter at all when I’m with you because no matter how mad I’ve ever been, it disappears when I get close to you.”

  “James,” she said. She caught her breath and prepared to tell him everything she’d wanted to say all night. “Please stop.”

  “I won’t stop. Not until you tell me why you won’t at least consider the possibility.”

  “We can’t be together.”

  “Rae!”

  “Let me finish.” She straightened herself up and found she no longer needed the wall for support. It was now or never. “I hate to admit this to myself because it just verifies how many mistakes I’ve made in my life. I love you, James, I do. I both love and am in love with you.”

  “Then why –”

  “Please, let me get this out.” He stepped back, and she appreciated the space it put between them. “When we broke up – and granted, I’m the one who made that decision – my heart broke. I mean, full out broke. Shattered into a thousand pieces that no matter how carefully I put them back together, would leave me forever changed. I walked around with this fake smile plastered on my face and then cried myself to sleep every night. Not just for a week or even for a few months, but for nearly a year. I was so angry at you, and it wasn’t even your fault! I dated your friend because I wanted you to hurt like I hurt. And all because you were doing something that wasn’t even wrong! You were going to a college I didn’t get into. That’s why! I was heartbroken and childish and sure once you saw everything and everyone available on that college campus, you’d never look back and I’d be the one languishing in Jessup alone.”

  “That’s why we broke up?”

  “I made you suffer for growing up. I was an idiot, a selfish idiot, and that’s an understatement. Every night that summer and into college I’d think about you and wonder what you were doing. I hoped that you’d say something that would make it impossible for me to still love you, but you didn’t. You just kept being this incredible man and it only made me angrier.”

  “You left me, Rae! You are the one who walked away.

  Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I tried. I wanted to. And then I saw you with Katie, and you wrote and said you’d finally found a way to stop loving me. I don’t know if you have any idea how strong those words were. I’d pretended to stop loving you, but I never actually could. When I read those words in your handwriting, I just sort of lost a part of my soul because I knew they were true. You’d never lie to me. You were moving on. I had to let go of any fairytale vision I had of a future that included you. I stopped reading your messages after that.”

  “Wait, you saw me with Katie?”

  “Yeah, I came to see you and tell you I wanted to try again. But I saw you with her. I couldn’t take that happiness away from you. I couldn’t read any more of your emails or listen to your voicemails. I just wanted the memories of us to cease to exist.”

  “I never meant those words, you know,” he said. “I just wanted your friendship, Rae. I really, really wanted to find some middle ground where we could still be in each other’s lives. I figured if you thought I didn’t love you anymore, you would at least be my friend. I guess I never thought it would make me lose you completely.”

  “I deserved every ounce of pain those words brought, don’t get me wrong,” she replied. “I mean, I’d said some cruel things and more often than not, they were intentional. Then there you were with a heart as big as the universe telling me the honest truth without an ounce of animosity. The weight of your kindness crushed me and I knew I deserved every moment of the suffocating sadness that it brought.”

  “I didn’t mean for that to happen.”

  “I don’t know that we ever mean for things like that to happen, but they do. I didn’t read your emails because I wanted you to move on. I wanted you to have something better than what we had. I wasn’t ready to be the girl you needed in your life, so it didn’t make sense to drag you down with me. I wanted you to follow your dreams and build the life you’d been talking about since we started dating.”

  “The life I wanted was with you,” he replied. “I still don’t understand how you could cut me off completely.”

  “My heart was shattered, and it took me a few years before I could even allow myself to pick up the pieces. I was a mess. After a while, I got so used to the pain that suddenly, I just stopped feeling altogether. I’d welcome any guy who’d pretend to love me. I put myself in situations that make me cringe; situations I would punish a child of my own for even contemplating. I guess I wanted to feel the pain of whatever those relationships brought because it was better than feeling nothing at all. There were guys who piled on the heartache for me. I needed to let in every painful moment of their presence as retribution for everything I’d put you through. I knew they didn’t love me and honestly, they probably barely even liked me, but they tolerated me. That’s all I deserved.”

  “You deserved better than that,” he said softly. “I should have made more of an effort. I didn’t know how bad everything had gotten for you. I left you alone because I thought that’s what you wanted. If I’d have known, I’d have reached out to you. I would have dropped everyone and everything to get to you.”

  “I know,” she whispered. “I finally found a really stable guy in Braden. When he
asked me to marry him despite knowing about some of the worst parts of my past, I thought that my chance to be happy had come. When my engagement ended, I kind of felt like I’ve just been too awful of a person to get a happy ending. Then I come home, and you’re here. You’re even more handsome than I remember and you’re standing in front of me telling me you love me. After how much pain I’ve put you through, you still want to spend your life with me.”

  “I do.”

  “That’s why I can’t. I can’t make you a promise that I cannot keep. I lost you once and barely survived the heartache; there’s no way I could survive that again. And there’s no way I can put you through losing me when you’ve got this grand ending built up in your mind.”

  “You’re making a lot of assumptions. It might end well, Rae. Do you really want stable? Don't you want exciting and unpredictable and awesome?”

  “But that’s just it – it’s going to end either way, no matter how amazing it is. I’m not prepared to lose you again in any capacity, so it’s just easier to not welcome the opportunity. I hope you can understand and forgive me for it.”

  Chapter 18

  Saturday, October 3

  After they walked the short distance to pick up his truck, they made their way to the high school in complete silence. The only sound loud enough to overtake the silence was the mix of awkward, anxious breathing. They pulled up next to Micah’s truck, and Rae quickly descended from her seat and ran towards the door without another word. Nella looked at James for an answer, but he just shook his head. She, Ava, and Brooke took off after Rae and left the boys outside.