Fifteen Years

by Allison Rios

  For the nine months preceding the birth, I struggled mostly alone as I navigated the path to the inevitable. I didn’t even tell my mother about the child until I was seven months along and could no longer find excuses for why I hadn’t returned home at the end of each semester. Out of money to pay the increasing medical bills, rent, and daily living expenses, I’d had to reconsider my secrecy. I layered on excuses in every phone call home about an extraordinary internship I couldn’t leave – an internship I’d never actually gotten because the requirements would have been too much to allow me to work somewhere else for pay, too.

  When I didn’t answer my mother’s messages quickly enough, she took the initiative and flew to California, where I’d run to hide. She was sure that drugs or alcohol or some glamorous life in the sunshine state were pulling me away from them. From a distance on a cloudy day near the end of October, as people hurried about their business without a thought to the plight of two women standing twenty feet apart on that city street, she saw for the first time the genuine reason I’d been hiding away. There, silhouetted against the bright lights of the city, jutted out an enormous baby bump. Though I didn’t see her face, I could imagine what it looked like just by the way she told me the story.

  Bless her heart, my mom wanted so badly to help me. I can still remember her trying to convince me to move back to Jessup.

  “Baby, come home. Let me take care of you,” she pleaded time and again in that last month of my pregnancy.

  “I don’t need an entire town in my business,” I replied, smoothing my hand over the baby’s soft kicks. I quickly stopped myself, not wanting to form any kind of attachment to the child growing inside me.

  “No one is going to judge you.”

  That one almost made me laugh out loud. I glared with raised eyebrows, as we both knew full well that everyone in town would be judging me.

  “Mama, I can’t do it. I don’t want to raise a child right now. I don’t want to make this some tangled web where you raise my child, either. Can’t you see that this is what’s best for everyone? Best for the baby? I can’t make a good decision to save my life. That’s how I ended up pregnant. I know I cannot be the mother this child deserves.”

  “I just feel like you’re going to regret this, sweetheart. You make these big decisions, and then you regret it and are left picking up the pieces and moving on.”

  She was good, but I thought I was better. I always thought I knew better.

  “Mama, I’ve already told you what I’m planning on doing. Now, you can either stay here and help but never mention a word of this to anyone, or you can go on home and keep your mouth shut all the same and not see me again. I’m not trying to be disrespectful, but you need to have a little respect for my decisions about my body and my future.”

  “Rae–”

  “No more, Mama! I’ve made my decision, and it’s final.”

  A childish demand from a selfish fool, I thought time and again after I commanded the promise of a woman begging only to make things better for me.

  More times than I can count, I let the tears flow for the loss of a future I still hadn’t even begun thinking about. I’d postponed my dreams of becoming a mother to avoid a lifetime of agony over the parentage of the one I’d given birth to. Due to complications with the birth, I also had emergency surgery that erased any opportunity to become a mother in the future. I found it morbidly ironic that experiencing the miracle of giving birth would prevent me from the opportunity to make such decisions when the right time came.

  As the physical wounds healed and the visual reminders faded away in the months after the birth, the emotional scars only grew. In light of the news that I’d no longer be able to bear children, my mother asked me so many times in those first few days if I’d like to change my mind and raise the child. I stood firm in my decision.

  I had willingly given my child away. What right did I have to rip that child from the arms of a mother who wanted nothing more than to have a family? A woman who most likely had been planning and preparing and opening her heart to a child who would never want for love? What right, I asked, did I have to take something back just because I’d made another poor decision? Lies and secrets were the reason I would live my life without a child, and I would not be the one to deny the privilege of parenthood to people who were better than I ever hoped to be.

  After a few weeks and multiple sleepless nights, I summoned the strength to ask my mother to return home. Instead of me or a grandchild, she’d return with more baggage in her heart than in her hands.

  “You could come home to Jessup with me,” she said softly as she hugged me at the airport.

  “You know I can’t do that, Mama. People will know.

  They’ll look at me, and they’ll know.”

  “So what if they know? It doesn’t matter what other people think. You know the truth about who you are.”

  “Mama, this is what’s best.”

  I did indeed know the truth, and it wasn’t a truth I was willing to risk anyone finding out about. Questions I couldn’t – or wouldn’t – answer would be thrown at me from every direction by members of a town so small that even a tiny secret wouldn’t fit.

  “I want to stay here and finish college.”

  “And then what?” My mom, the magnificent person she is, didn’t want to leave her daughter alone in a big city after such a loss. She knew her strong-willed child, though, and nothing would convince me to come home.

  “I don’t know. I’ll figure it out. I always do.” I forced out the faintest, softest smile I could muster to ease some of my mother’s worry. “I know this isn’t easy for you, Mama. I know you’ve lost something pretty big, too.”

  “Don’t you worry about me,” she said.

  “Let me finish. I know this is a loss for you, but I need you to keep this just between us. You always used to tell me that sometimes, a lady needs to take some secrets to her grave to keep those she loves from falling apart. This has to be one of those secrets.”

  “More than you know.” That was the last thing she said to me before she boarded the plane. Now I know why.

  With the gentle hug of a worried mother and a kiss on the forehead, my mom left – against her better judgment – and returned home with an oath of silence about a secret that would demolish many relationships in a domino effect if even one person found out about my child’s existence.

  The same day, the mailman arrived to deliver what would surely be more bills I could barely afford to pay. As I flipped through the postcards and advertisements, my fingers grazed against the texture of a fancier envelope. Without reading the outside, I peeled the flap and pulled out the thick packet inside.

  You are cordially invited to the wedding of Katie

  Vallejo to James Preston.

  I felt sure in my decision. I know now it was a mistake. Mistake actually sounds like too small of a word. I’m at a loss for the right one.

  The words on that beautiful card trailed off as I tossed the unpleasant token in the garbage. The invitation was one more visible reminder of something I’d failed at. I embraced the sadness that welled within me, not only for the child I’d lost but for the future I’d given away with it.

  I made the decisions, and now I have to live with the consequences. When you’re surrounded by people who deserve nothing but the best in life, you can only hope they are full of forgiveness. Because if you’re anything like me, we’re all going to need it.

  Chapter 33

  Wednesday, November 18

  He watched Katie move slowly and thoughtfully from the closet to the bed, carefully tucking away each item for the move back to the home she’d grown up in. James wondered what thoughts danced through her mind as she packed up the final traces of her half of the life they’d built together.

  She seemed a mix of sadness and relief. He silently questioned if she’d anticipated this moment their entire relationship. Delicate fingers pushed a strand of hair back behind her ear, and he cau
ght a glimpse of her face. Tears threatened to run free yet she held firm, shook off the momentary lapse, and went back to the closet for more odds and ends.

  He couldn’t help thinking that he’d destroyed everything they’d had for something that wasn’t even real anymore. He’d been so enamored with the idea of Rae, so sure that they were meant to be together, that perhaps he’d never actually given Katie a chance.

  Now, instead of watching television with his wife, he flipped through the channels aimlessly without a wife or a girlfriend, and with all the unknowns about a child he’d fathered.

  “I’m an awful person,” he mumbled to her.

  “You’re not a terrible person, James. You’re just a person. We all have undesirable traits.”

  “Oh yeah? What’s yours?”

  “I eat ice cream out of the carton. And milk, too.”

  “Those don’t really compare.”

  “There are varying levels of awfulness I guess,” she joked. “Lighten up. We’re about to set off on new paths and have a fresh start in life. Don’t wallow in a pity party.”

  Once upon a time, they’d been in love. The wedding album sitting next to him on the bed was proof. The photo they’d chosen for the cover seemed to show two of the happiest people on earth embracing, smiles spread ear to ear.

  “You know, for a long time, I kept hoping you’d change your mind,” she said as she gently folded a sweater and tucked it into place. “I would pray and pray that you’d change your mind and choose me.”

  “And now?”

  “And now I think my prayers were answered how they were supposed to be. I don’t think Rae came back into your life by accident.” Katie said. She lifted the box before James could volunteer, and began to make her way to the door. “I think that’s everything.”

  “Katie?” he said, his voice strained.

  “Yes?”

  “I am sorry for how this all ended. I never meant to hurt you the way that I have.”

  He looked at the woman before him and wondered if he’d ever see her again. They weren’t like the divorced couples he knew who had children and therefore a need to interact every so often. Once she drove away and moved back to her parent’s home four-hundred miles away, they’d likely never see each other again. He realized, for the first time, how much he would miss having her companionship and friendship.

  “I know, James,” she replied. She sat down on the front porch steps, and he slowly did the same. “We had a lot of really excellent times in this house. A lot of bad ones, too, but it’s the good ones I’ll remember.”

  “What are you going to do now?”

  “I’m going home, and then I don’t know. I have a brand new canvas to start working with.” He smiled as she glanced up at him. “And what will you do?”

  “I have no idea,” he said and laughed. Confusion would be an inadequate word to describe his predicament. Five months ago he’d had a wife and a quasi-daughter. He’d had a high school love up on a pedestal with no hint of ever having done something wrong. As of October, however, his life was one big mess. “Guess I’ll need to paint over the mess on my canvas.”

  “What about Rae?” Katie asked.

  “There’s really nothing to say about her,” he replied.

  “And it’s kind of weird to talk to you about it.”

  “James, I know you better than that. Years of feelings don’t fizzle out in a month. Indulge me a little. I love a good love story.”

  “It’s complicated.”

  “I get that. Micah filled me in.

  “On everything?”

  “I would imagine. If there’s more, you may want to think about writing a screenplay,” she said with a grin.

  “Then you know that there really are no next steps for Rae and I. Friends is about the best we’ll ever be.”

  “I’m really disappointed to hear that,” Katie said.

  “And why’s that?”

  “Because then everything you and I went through is in vain. We didn’t end because we couldn’t have kids, James. We could have raised Ruth together, and yes, we would both have been a little sad that we didn’t have our own, but we could have been a family. It wasn’t our inability to conceive that tore us apart; it was your love for Rae. And if that love doesn’t exist anymore, well, then we both lost out.”

  “I feel really awkward talking to you about this,” James confessed.

  “And I feel really weird talking to you about this,” Katie said. “But first and foremost, we’ve always been friends, James. I wanted to hate you at first. I wanted to burn every photo of us and forget that you’d ever existed. Then when I finally felt like I could breathe again, I realized I didn’t want to hate you. I’ve never wanted anything bad for you, and I don’t expect to start now. I want you to be happy. I want me to be happy.”

  “What am I supposed to do now, Katie?”

  “You do what I did when I felt like my world was going to end. You wake up, you breathe in and out, you put one foot in front of the other, and you pray to get through the day. Then tomorrow will be a little easier, and the next day the same, until you feel like you can do those things without the reminder. It will hurt for a while, but one day, you will know what you need to do.”

  “What if I’ve made a mistake?”

  “Then you’re a lucky man, James. Mistakes are the best teachers.” He kept his eyes on her as she descended the stairs.

  She stopped on the last one and turned to face him.

  “Will you ever be able to forgive me?” he asked.

  “I already have. We all make mistakes, James, it’s as simple as that. Many, many mistakes. Some are bigger than others, but every mistake is forgivable. If a person is willing to admit what they’ve done, we should be able to open our hearts and forgive.”

  He watched her take another step and turn around again.

  “I know she hurt you,” Katie said. “When she first came back for the reunion and I saw the two of you together, it broke my heart all over again. My mind instantly filled with how I might walk away and try to forget all about you. I love you so much, but at that moment, I saw you in love with someone else. The sight of the two of you together nearly shattered any remaining pieces of my heart. Today, I get to walk away free and clear. I don’t know how I would have felt at twenty-years-old if I’d seen you and another woman – and known I’d have to live with a tiny walking, talking reminder every day of the man I loved and thought I couldn’t have. I’m not excusing what she did; I’m saying I understand that sometimes we make bad choices in the right spirit when life is weighing heavily on us, and sometimes we can’t fix those choices until it seems like it is too late. The heart makes us do crazy things. But if you love someone like you believe you love her, forgiveness can be one of those crazy elements of life. It isn’t fate that leads us to where we are today; it’s the choices we make. And now you have a choice to make.”

  As Katie’s car faded into the distance, another pulled up.

  Nella strolled up to the porch and took a seat on the lower steps, using the railing as a back rest.

  “Katie just packed up the rest of her stuff. She’s gone,” he said.

  “I saw,” Nella replied. “You okay?”

  He rolled his eyes. “Fantastic.”

  “You want to talk about it?”

  “Not really,” he said. “What brings you over?”

  “Maybe this isn’t something you want to hear, but Rae’s coming home.”

  “For a weekend?”

  “No,” Nella replied. “This is her last move. She quit her job and is coming back home to be with the people she loves.”

  “Is she going to stay with her parents?”

  “Yeah,” Nella said. “I just thought you might want a heads-up.”

  “I don’t know if I’m ready to see her again,” he said. “We haven’t spoken since she went back. I know it’s all too much for her. Hell, most days it is too much for me. She’s done everything she can to help me tr
y and find our baby, but with the closed adoption, I’m going to have to wait until he or she is eighteen and wants to find me. Unless I want to stir up a whole lot of trouble legally, which I don’t want to do. Every time I think I can get past what she did, I get so angry again. I just don’t know that I can see her right now.”

  “I get that. But Jessup is a small town, James, and you might not have an option. She hurt us all, obviously you the most. We’re all going to have to find a way to let go of that hurt and take care of our friend.

  Chapter 34

  Tuesday, November 24

  “Rae, let’s get out of the house for a while,” Lorraine said. Rae had locked herself within the confines of the four walls without so much as a stroll since she’d arrived. She made the excuse that she didn’t want the town pitying her, but actually, she hadn’t wanted to see the girls or James – or anyone for that matter. And, the move was exhausting.

  “I’m tired.” She felt better knowing she hadn’t just lied to her mom.

  “You need to get some fresh air. You can’t stay cooped up in here all the time. Get out and exercise those legs,” Lorraine said. “Just for a bit. I’ll buy you lunch.”

  Rae knew if she didn’t go, she’d need to relent one day shortly. Her mother seldom took no for an answer.