by Allison Rios
“Fine,” Rae said. She pulled on some clean clothes, all of which were too baggy on her now, and attempted to put on some makeup. She managed just the basics when her arms grew too weary to continue. The medications and treatment had wreaked havoc on her body.
“Would you like me to do that for you?” Lorraine asked.
“No,” Rae said. “I need to do it myself.”
“Sweetie, I can help.”
“Mama!” she yelled. Instantly, she regretted the outburst. Her eyes brimmed with tears and she fought to hold them in. “I’m sorry, Mama. I’m so sorry! I’m just so tired and frustrated and want to be able to do things on my own. It feels like this spell just hit so fast.”
“I know, baby girl,” Lorraine replied. “That’s what your mother is here for. To take what’s not easy and make it better.”
“It’s good enough,” Rae replied, wincing at her reflection in the mirror. “Let’s go.”
Rae closed her eyes to rest and opened them as the car slowed to a stop. The two-story farmhouse glared at her from just across the sidewalk.
“What are we doing at the Preston’s house, Mama?”
“Ruth’s birthday party is today, and I have to drop off her gift.”
“Why didn’t you tell me that before I agreed to come with you?”
“If I’d told you, you wouldn’t have come.”
“So you lied?”
“Excuse me young lady, but I did not lie. I cautiously omitted. I said we should get out, and this is getting out.”
“Mama, I can’t go in there. They all have to know by now.
His mother is going to hate me if she didn’t already!”
“Then you can sit in the car like a fool until I get back.”
“How long are you going to be?”
“At least an hour. It’s rude to eat and leave right away.”
“Mama!”
“It’s your choice, darling. No one’s going to make a scene at a little girl’s birthday party so I’d say you’re pretty safe to run into James right now. Better now than in public some other time.”
“You’re really quite sneaky Mama.”
“I’ve been called worse,” Lorraine said. She smiled at her daughter and shut the car door. Rae thought better than to sit in the car in the brisk November air while people noticed her from the house. They’d had enough to talk about with everything that had happened. She didn’t want to give them more fodder for their gossip sessions.
Lorraine extended an arm for Rae to hold onto but Rae discouraged the gesture. Slowly, the duo made their way to the front stairs. The door opened, and James stood smiling on the other side.
“Good afternoon Lorraine, Rae,” he said, reaching out to hug Lorraine. Once he let go, he reached out for Rae, who extended a hand instead. He awkwardly accepted the gesture and stepped back to allow them in.
“Where’s the little birthday girl?” Lorraine asked, searching amongst the crowd.
“I’m pretty sure she’s glued to her phone somewhere,” James said. “I’m beginning to think getting her one was a huge mistake.”
“Oh, darling, they’re only young once. Just make sure she’s not texting any boys.” Lorraine slipped past them, and Rae silently cursed her mother for the abandonment.
“Glad you could make it, Rae. When your mama told me last week you’d be coming, I wasn’t sure how it would be to see you again.”
“And what’s the verdict?”
“Even more awkward then I imagined!” James let out a small chuckle.
“Well look at us, already agreeing on something. This is what we call growth,” Rae replied. She shook her head and tried desperately to find a way out of the situation. “I better go find my mom. It was good to see you.”
She pushed her way past James and frantically surveyed the room for Lorraine. She spotted her mother in the kitchen, deep in discussion with James’ mother – which meant another dead end for an escape. Dizziness set over her and she looked around the make sure the walls were not actually closing in on her. Once she regained her composure, she took a step forward only to run into Ruth.
“Hi!” Ruth said. The young girl grinned from ear to ear. Her happiness was almost contagious.
“Happy birthday!” Rae said. She accepted Ruth’s embrace and wrapped her own arms around the girl, though it felt odd to do so to a virtual stranger.
“Thank you for coming!” Ruth said. “Uncle James is here somewhere.”
“I saw him,” Rae quickly interjected.
“I know he was looking forward to seeing you,” Ruth replied. “Amy’s here!” she squeaked out before she ran off to greet her friend at the front door. Rae breathed a sigh of relief at the opportunity to avoid more conversation. No sooner had she brought her heartbeat back to normal than the town gossip, Mrs. Komarski, approached her.
“Rae, how are you?” she called out. She extended a hand to Rae, who politely accepted.
“There you are!” she heard from behind her. “Rae, I’ve been looking for you. There’s someone I want you to meet.
Excuse me, Mrs. Komarski, would you mind?”
The nosy old woman nodded through her disapproval of having lost the opportunity to flaunt the secrets she knew, and Rae turned to face James.
“Thank you,” she whispered.
“Don’t thank me yet,” he said. “Now I have to drag you off somewhere to make it convincing.”
He led her out onto the porch and into the backyard, behind the hedges they’d often used as a cover from prying eyes in their teenage years.
“Thank you for rescuing me in there,” Rae said.
“As much as I’d love to see you suffer, I couldn’t go through with it. I could see you weren’t faring well.”
“My mom ambushed me into coming here. I wasn’t prepared.”
James nodded. She noted his grin and couldn’t stop herself from smiling back.
“Any luck on finding the baby?” Rae asked. The words popped out before she had a chance to stop herself. The adoption agency had long before closed, and the paperwork had been scarce at best.
“Not yet,” he said, “but I’m still looking. Did you decide if you want me to tell you?”
“I don’t think I want to know,” Rae said. “I’ve come this far. I don’t think it’s fair for me to know after I just handed the baby off, you know? I feel like my punishment should be never knowing.”
“Rae.”
“When you find something, we can talk about it again. I wish there were more I could to help. Mama said you can talk to her, and she can tell you what she remembers.”
She reached into her purse and felt around for the envelope she’d tucked in there the previous month. She pulled out the purple rectangle and handed it to him.
“Just in case.”
“In case what?”
“In case you find him or her, and I’m not here. I wrote this. Promise me you’ll give it to them when it’s time?”
“You’re going to be here, Rae.”
“We both know that’s not a guarantee. I’m okay with it; I wish you’d be okay with it, too.”
Slowly, she hoisted herself up and returned to the party. It didn’t take much convincing for her mom to leave; Rae looked as though she might fall over at any moment.
Once home, Rae returned to her quiet room and sat down at her desk. She slowly opened her wallet and fiddled with the pockets until she found what she was looking for.
She lifted the yellowed, creased page from the photo album and took in the writing that had once soothed every ache in her heart with its loving words. Her pulse immediately sped up. She knew it well. She carried that small, folded piece of ruled notebook paper in her wallet, just as she had since the day he’d given it to her. No matter who else came into her world, how many times her purses changed, or how many credit cards she filled her wallet with, the paper never left one of the deepest pockets. She’d lost many a debit card and a house key or two, but that paper never disa
ppeared.
She unfolded the pages and for a moment, the pleasant memories of being seventeen flooded her soul. The words were magical, transporting her back to a time when life held so much promise and so few problems. She’d heard many people mock teenage love yet throughout many failed relationships, she’d never found the level of comfort she had with James. She’d never felt as loved as she did by him. She’d never felt as protected nor trusted in anyone as much as him.
She’d thrown most of his letters out long ago. On a drunken night shortly after college graduation, Ava had taken a trip up to the city to visit and convinced her that getting rid of the past would be the best start to the future. The garbage bag had been hanging in her garage for years. Until the night Ava visited, she’d never had the courage to throw them away. As the cold Chicago winter swirled around them, they lit a fire in an old, metal garbage can and burned the majority of evidence that she’d ever loved James. The lovelorn girls sucked down a few beers to dull the pain and dried the tears with the heat from the final goodbye.
Rae picked up the paper and laughed. She’d convinced Ava that night that every shred of their relationship – every letter, ever corsage from a dance, every stuffed animal – was in that plastic garbage bag hanging heavily from an old nail. Only a small portion actually had been.
“Ava should have known better than to believe me when it came to James,” she whispered to herself.
Unfolding the paper, she heard his voice reciting the words as her eyes ran down the page. It wasn’t Shakespeare, but it was definitely the thoughts of a teenager trying to woo and impress his girlfriend.
Rae,
Thanks for being you. Thanks for loving someone like me. Hell, thanks for just liking me at all. You are so wonderful and I love you. You are so beautiful and so very sweet. You’re the greatest person anyone could ask for and you know it’s true. Nothing in the world could be better than the love you and I have for each other. You make me feel important and are always there for me. I will always be there for you, wherever, whenever. I love you and I swear it’s true. I hope you are always a part of my life and I hope I can always be a part of yours. You truly are the greatest gift ever brought into my life. I love you, baby.
Love,
James
P.S. Sorry I’m not as creative as you with pictures and poems. And you’re the one that takes all the pictures, so... I love you this much.”
She traced her fingers over the last words. Their secret phrase. She thought of the phrase often and once almost said it to her ex-fiancé. She stopped herself but not before she realized that perhaps someone else was on her mind.
Chapter 35
Wednesday, December 2
“You’re terribly reticent, boy,” Gramps said.
“Not much to say I guess.”
“This have anything to do with Rae?” Gramps nodded out the front window to Lorraine as she walked by.
The sadness etched on James’ face since Rae had left town said everything his heart couldn’t. He’d said goodbye to her a few times in his life and each time, he’d felt the same saturation of sadness overtake him in the days leading up to her departure. She was back in town, of course, but it wasn’t the same. She stayed hidden away at home.
The first time she’d left him, she’d written him a note delivered in the chaos of a busy hallway between classes. It merely asked him to meet her after school near her car. Students filled the lot after the final bell as they rushed to their next destination, be it home or work or sport. There beside the driver’s side door of a small sedan, she had taken his hands in hers and delivered the news – she wanted to break up.
Prom would come in less than three weeks, and the school year had not quite ended. There was no one else. She loved him, she stuttered; she just wasn’t in love with him. He didn’t yell at her or beg for her to change her mind; he hugged her and promised if she needed space, he would oblige. What he didn’t show was the immense pain her words caused. He spent the summer watching her date another boy while offering his friendship in the hope she would change her mind. Days and nights blended together until finally, the day came when they left for college and he felt the emptiness fill the part of his heart he’d kept clear for all the future memories they’d make together.
When she drove away from him again freshmen year after her visit, he knew her heart was anywhere but with him. As much as he wanted to hold onto her, he was well aware a person could not hold down something that was determined to fly.
His memories were interrupted by the ringing bell signifying a customer. Gramps poked him with his cane to garner James’ attention.
“You want to tell me what’s going on?”
James didn’t. He hadn’t told anyone in his family about the baby, and in that very moment, he realized he’d neglected to do so because he was scared of what they’d say and think. He thought of a teenage Rae and what she must have felt at the thought of having the whole town talking about her pregnancy. He also wondered if maybe it was time to come clean, at least to the one person who might be able to help him sort his life out.
“Rae lied to me, Gramps.”
“About the cancer?”
“No. Something else.”
“Well spill it, boy. Quit dancing around the subject.” Making sure the customer wasn’t within earshot, James whispered his reply.
“She had a baby.”
“What?” Gramps asked.
“She had a baby in college.”
“When?”
“Our sophomore year.”
“There’s no way,” Gramps laughed. “There is no way she could do that and Lorraine wouldn’t be gushing to the world about her grandbaby.”
“It’s true. She had the baby in California and gave it up for adoption there so no one would know. Not even Nella and the girls knew until the reunion.”
“No kidding?”
“No.”
“Why’s that got you all stirred up son?”
James rubbed his face in his hands and struggled to force the words to come out.
“It was my baby. Our baby.”
“How is that even possible?”
James rolled his eyes at Gramps.
“You know what I mean. James, why didn’t you tell us back then?”
“I didn’t know she was pregnant,” James said. “Rae just told me when she came back for the reunion. She figured I should know, what with her diagnosis and everything.”
“When was this again?”
“Around the end of first semester of sophomore year, she said. That December. She came to visit me over her spring break earlier that year and things happened.”
“Apparently.”
The duo was interrupted again by the customer, now heading towards them with a basket full of groceries.
“We’ll talk more in a minute,” Gramps said. “I need to get some fresh air. You and your buddies are a real-life soap opera!”
Gramps exited the store as James rang up the woman in front of him. Just as he finished, he spotted Gramps opening the door for Lorraine Pinemore. The look on both their faces told James that Gramps hadn’t been able to keep his mouth shut long.
“Either you tell him, or I will.” The anger in Gramps’ voice somewhat startled James. Lorraine’s grimace warned him that he wasn’t going to like what he was about to hear. And he didn’t.
It wasn’t long before Lorraine was back at home, gently calling out for her daughter.
“Rae, are you home?” Lorraine’s voice rang from the foyer in a slightly panicked tone.
“Upstairs,” Rae called back. She heard the gentle thud that she’d grown used to over the years as her mother’s feet ascended the stairs.
“I need to talk to you,” Lorraine said. “It’s about James.”
“I left him, you know,” Rae said. She cradled a picture of them at senior prom and fought to keep from crying as Lorraine sat down on the bed to talk. She’d been going through the boxes Lorraine had stored he
r stuff in when she moved out.
“I know,” her mother replied.
“I was so angry at him.”
“For what exactly?”
“For getting into a school I didn’t get into. A part of me hated him for it. I wanted to go somewhere together and be together. When I didn’t get in, and he chose to go there, I was lost.”
“He had to make a decision about his education,” her mother replied. “He wasn’t choosing college over you. He was choosing you both.”
“I know that,” Rae said. “I knew it then. He promised that even being at separate schools, we’d be okay. I believed him, but I didn’t want to go through the long-distance thing. I wanted to be together. I figured if we couldn’t be together, then it all had to end right then and there to stop my heart from loving him anymore and then being torn apart when he went away.”
“He’s a good boy, Rae. He would have made it work.”
“I know, Mama. But I am a selfish girl. I wanted everything to go my way.” She put the picture down and picked up another from a New Year’s Eve celebration.
“You’re not a selfish girl. You were both young. Young people make bad choices sometimes. And sometimes, so do old people.”
“I’ve never really told anyone the truth about why I broke up with him, although I’ve thought about it often. It bothers me, even all this time later. Do you know how I told him?”
Her mother shook her head, settling into the chair adorning the corner of the bedroom.
“I asked him to meet me one day after school, right out by my old car that broke down at least once a month. Remember that car?”