by Allison Rios
“That car was never meant to last long.” Lorraine laughed. They’d bought it used and in excellent condition, but the car had been a magnet for accidents, dents, and mishaps – only some of them Rae’s fault.
“I looked him right in the eyes to be as convincing as I could, and I told him I loved him but that I wasn’t in love with him. I still can’t believe I said that. I lied right to his face. I wanted him to hate me, Mama. I wanted him to completely hate me. I wanted him to decide right then and there that I wasn’t worth another breath and walk away, making it easier for me to walk away. That’s the thing though; it wasn’t easy. I cried for hours that night. I started dating someone new because it didn’t work and James still treated me just as sweetly as he always had. I did it just so he would hate me.”
Rae shifted before she again settled down on the bed, and lifted the tiny ring he’d given her senior year.
“He didn’t hate me though. He just acted like he still wanted to be my friend. I remember hearing how he kissed a friend of mine that summer and my blood boiled! Oh, was I mad! I wanted to go back and change my mind but I couldn’t. I’d done what I’d done, and I wanted us both to have a fresh start. It’s hard to have a fresh start though when every night you’re dreaming about him.”
“Did you ever tell him any of this?”
“No. He never put up a fight, whether the news was bad or good. He just smiled and said he understood and he loved me. I was so mean to him, Mama. Here we are all these years later, and he's still nice. Every time I see him though, I remember what I did. I remember the type of person I was. I remember that every time I talk to him and let him think that I stopped loving him for all those years, I’m lying to him all over again.”
“Maybe it’s time to tell him the truth.”
“Mama.”
“I’m not talking about getting back together, sweetheart. I’m talking about telling him how you really feel about him, so he at least knows when you are gone that you loved him right until the end.”
“What good will that do? He already doesn’t trust me, and rightfully so. What I did was unforgivable. Telling him, I lied to him time and again before and after that … that speaks louder than words. No apology I give can take away all the pain I’ve caused. Why can’t my heart let him go?”
Rae laid down on the bed and rested her head in her mother’s lap, as she did growing up when she needed comfort.
“Secrets are like a fire baby. The longer you keep trying to hide it instead of doing something about it, the more it destroys. The heart is capable of great forgiveness.”
Lorraine’s hands brushed through Rae’s hair as the younger girl relished in her mother’s love.
“I’m afraid I didn’t come up here just to visit,” Lorraine said. Rae sat up and locked eyes with her mom.
“What’s wrong? Is something wrong? Are you sick?”
“No, no.” Lorraine sighed. “Sickness might be preferable. I have a secret of my own that I need to share.”
Her mama never held secrets; she despised them.
“Mama, you're really starting to worry me. Secrets aren't your thing. You're the one person I know who tells it like it is.”
“Trust me, I know,” Lorraine replied. “This is something I'd hoped would go to the grave with me. Everything seemed to work out so well that it just seemed serendipitous. Now there's just a long string of hurt, and all that damage stems from one tiny lie that I fashioned thinking I was doing more good than harm.”
“Mama, what are you talking about?”
“Remember when I told you that sometimes you meet people and are lucky that they love you enough to forgive even your most grievous faults?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m hoping you love me enough.”
“What’s going on, Mama?”
Her mother stood up and crossed the room to the window. Her old hand traced the smooth lace curtain, and she spoke so softly, Rae nearly couldn’t hear.
“When I came out to see you and found out you were pregnant, I had an idea. You wouldn’t tell us who the father was. You said you had gone through a tough time and things happened. But each night, you were talking in your sleep, telling James how sorry you were to give his baby away. I knew. I knew when I asked you if he could be the father and you avoided eye contact and changed the subject. You finally admitted it years later, but I’d already figured out.”
“All that time you knew?”
“You asked me to make the adoption arrangements because you couldn’t bear to look through the books. You said you’d sign any paperwork with the stipulation that you had no details about the baby and the parents agreed to not seek any contact with you. You kept the pregnancy a secret from even your closest friends, and I knew you; if you would never even tell Nella or Brooke or Ava, you would take that secret to your grave.” Lorraine lingered near the window before sitting back down next to Rae.
“James’ older brother, Brian, and his wife Sophia lost a child. Sophia was seven months along and the umbilical cord wrapped around the baby’s neck. It was terrible. The whole town grieved for months with them. Sophia was inconsolable. They began the paperwork to adopt because she said she wasn’t emotionally strong enough to carry another baby or to go through the many IVF treatments they’d likely need to conceive again. I contacted Brian and told him a friend’s daughter was pregnant and giving the baby up for adoption. All they had to do was say yes. I made him swear he’d never tell anyone I had helped arrange the adoption because I didn’t want to lose the family’s trust.”
“Mama!”
“He never knew it was you, I swear. I knew you wouldn’t come home again and I knew why; you couldn’t bear to see James with another woman. I felt that this way, my grandchild was being raised by their own kin; that she would be loved and cared for and I wouldn’t have to wonder. And someday, if you finally asked, I could show you a photo and you’d know that she grew up loved and safe. You wouldn’t let me tell you that, though, because you cut me off whenever I’d speak of the baby or James. And then James ended up raising Ruth. The more time that passed without you knowing, the harder it became to work up the courage to tell you.”
“Mama, I can’t believe this! I have a daughter?”
She immediately thought of Ruth and how much the girl resembled James. Little by little, she realized Ruth’s nose and eyes resembled her own, too.
“That can’t be, Mama. We went to Ruth’s birthday; it was in November. My baby was born in December.”
“The day I told Brian and Sophia about Ruth was in November, honey; that’s the day Ruth chooses to celebrate her birthday because it was the birth of her family. She doesn’t celebrate her actual birthday: December 8.”
“Why are you telling me this now?”
“When Brian and Sophia were in the accident, Brian lived through the initial accident and extrication. At the hospital, he told his grandfather that I had helped arrange the adoption so that if Ruth wanted to find her birth parents someday, she’d have a place to start. James confided in his grandfather that you’d had a baby born around the same time, and the old man put it together.”
“Does James know?”
“He does,” Lorraine confided. “He found out just a little bit ago. I’m so sorry baby. I had to tell him the truth. We’ve been hiding too many secrets for too long.”
The blanket bunched under Rae’s fingers as she unsuccessfully sought some kind of support.
“Sophia gave this to me all those years ago. She asked me to give it to the birth mother when I felt the time was right. I don’t know if there is a right time, but if ever there might be, I think today is it.” Lorraine leaned in and kissed her daughter’s head. “I hope you love me enough to forgive me. I thought I was doing what was best for everyone. Sometimes, even adults who should know better make mistakes.”
Rae watched as Lorraine left the room and pulled the door closed behind her. Her fingers traced over the smooth, red, envelope embellished
with golden swirls. She carefully slid her finger underneath the flap, slowly working her way through until it popped open.
She lifted the paper from the envelope and wiped away the tears clouding her vision.
Dear Birth Mother,
I wish I had a name to call you instead of that, but I understand your need for privacy. With that in mind, I would like to share with you my gratitude.
Six months ago, my dream to become a mother seemed to evaporate in front of me as our daughter was stillborn. I couldn’t look at my husband for fear that he was disappointed in me; that he was ashamed of me because my body couldn’t do what a woman’s body is supposed to do.
Lorraine is an incredible woman. She goes above and beyond to help others and has been there for us, cooking us dinner or running errands when needed – which was quite a bit, as I couldn’t find the motivation to function. When Brian told me what she had asked him, I didn’t hesitate. Yes! Yes, we wanted a baby!
Joy filled my heart, and for the first time in months, I felt like I could breathe again. I wanted to scream from the top of the tallest building in Jessup that we would have a baby in our family soon! My heart still ached for the child I lost, but I had something new to wake up for again; a reason to actually live instead of just exist.
Boy, girl, it didn’t matter. We were just thrilled to have the opportunity to have a family.
In the midst of my joy, I didn’t lose sight of the fact that somewhere out there, another woman was making the heartbreaking decision to give up their child. I know how hard it is to lose something you have created, and a child who has grown inside of you. I know how difficult it is when the movements stop and you’re still reminded every day by the extra weight and the stretch marks without the evidence in your arms that you ever went through a pregnancy. My heart aches for you and thanks you all at the same time.
Your sacrifice is not lost on us. When we look in our daughter’s eyes, we will always see you and know that somewhere out there is a woman who loved her daughter so much she was willing to sacrifice her own happiness for her child’s. I know you don’t want to be known and we respect that, but should your wishes ever change, Lorraine knows where to find us. Your existence will never be hidden from our daughter – and by our, I mean my husband, myself, and you. She is all of ours, and she will know that she had a wonderful mommy who carried her for nine months but has loved her forever. We would love for you to meet someday and for you to be part of her life; a part of our lives.
I hope that if you are sad, you are able to find something that makes you so incredibly happy your heart fills with love and excitement again. Have faith that even in the direst of circumstances, the most incredible things can happen and change your life forever. I hope your heart is always open to the possibility of fate, and that you live each day without regret. Life is too short, and we all deserve to be happy.
We have chosen the name Ruth for our daughter, after a Bible verse that I think applies well to our situation.
But Ruth replied, “Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God.”
Until the day we meet, know that your daughter is beautiful and healthy and thriving, and you have saved my life. You are always welcome in our home, and when you are ready, we will be waiting.
Sincerely,
Sophia Preston
A loud pounding at the front door startled Rae and the fierceness of it made evident who stood on the other side. She set the note down on the bed and made her way towards the arguing voices.
Chapter 36
Wednesday, December 2
“Lorraine, I don’t want to speak to you right now. We’ve already said our bit to each other. I need to talk to Rae.”
“I’m here,” he heard Rae call from the top of the stairway. He took in a breath as he attempted to calm himself; he’d never been so angry at another person. Through all their breakups, lies, and harsh words exchanged between them, he’d never wished until that moment that he’d never met her.
“Did you know? This whole time, did you know?”
He approached the staircase with a noticeable limp as a reminder of his accident in October. Rae descended the exceptionally noisy, old staircase. He saw her hesitation. James took a step back to give her room, partially for her comfort and a little because he was so angry. “Did you know about Ruth?”
“She didn’t know,” Lorraine tried to intercede.
“Mama, this is my mess. Go on and let me handle this!”
Lorraine slipped out the front door but not before James caught the look she sent Rae’s way to make sure her daughter wanted her to leave. He realized how quickly his heartbeat and took a step back. The door creaked partially closed behind them, and a sense of shame washed over him as he tried to quell his temper.
“Did you know Ruth was our daughter?” The eyes which had lit up with joy and irritation and fury so many times before now stared back at him with something he’d never seen in her: fear.
“Does it matter?”
“Yes, it matters!” he yelled back. “Tell me, Rae, tell me you didn’t know about this, so I have a reason not to hate you,” he pleaded. “I don’t want to hate you, but all of this … I can’t see a path to anywhere but complete disgust for you.”
“I didn’t know she was ours, but that doesn’t change that it’s my fault,” Rae said.
She shrunk down on the step as he walked away to give himself room to breathe.
“I didn’t even know it was a daughter I’d given birth to.”
“How could you not know?” He came back towards her like he wanted to banish her very existence. “How could you never even ask? What kind of person does that?”
“I was too ashamed!” Rae said. “I didn’t know Mama did what she did, but she was just trying to do what was best. She thought your brother and his wife deserved a child, and that Ruth growing up with her own flesh and blood would be best for everyone.”
“Best for everyone? Who, Rae? Best for you? Best for your mother, who basically got to watch her grandchild grow up? What about me? What was best would have been telling me that I’ve been watching my own daughter grow up her entire life, only not getting to be her father!”
Rae took a deep breath and the sound irritated James. “I can make excuses all day, James. I can beg you to forgive me or not hate me. I can tell you not to blame Mama but none of it matters! I can’t change the past and neither can you.”
“She shouldn’t have done that. You shouldn’t have done that, Rae!”
“There’s a lot of things I shouldn’t have done,” Rae said. “I was a stupid kid.”
“You weren’t a kid! We were young but you had to know what you were doing was wrong. That’s why you hid it!”
He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. His face echoed his rage with its bright red tint and a visible tremble rushing through him. He sat down in a foyer chair and pushed tired hands through his hair. His hands, typically so strong and resilient, shook so much he couldn’t have held a glass of water without spilling.
Both of them sat in tears on opposite sides of the foyer, staring at one another in a search for answers. With silence enveloping them, they both distinctly heard the door creak and open. Rae turned as James lifted his head in time to see Ruth standing in the doorframe.
“You’re my birth parents?” she said in the tiniest and most unsure voice.
“Ruth, sweetheart,” James said. He stood up to approach her, but she took a step back before he even managed to get fully upright.
“How long have you known?” Ruth asked. “This whole time, you were my real dad? When did you know?”
“Ruth, there’s a lot to the story.”
“Did you know?” she yelled.
“Ruth,” Rae said, “I’m so sorry. James didn’t know. Please let me explain.”
Ruth took off running down the porch stairs and into the wood
s behind Rae’s family home. James followed as quickly as he could manage with his bad leg still hindering his motion, while the pain seared through the still healing injuries. Rae struggled to keep up, but the exhaustion and illness slowed her down considerably.
“Ruth, stop!” James yelled. “Please, stop! Let’s talk about this!”
Ruth didn’t utter a word as she dodged branches and ran as quickly as she could to where the trail ended. Her feet skidded to a halt just moments too late to avoid the fallen tree trunk. She slammed into it with her legs and launched forward, landing in the dirt and leaves.
“Ruth!” James yelled. He ignored the now searing pain to run the rest of way to her.
“Don’t come near me!” she screamed.
James slowed to a walk and stopped just shy of her.
“Please don’t walk away, Ruth. Please talk to me.”
“You’ve been lying to me.”
“No,” Rae said, having finally caught up. “I’m the one who lied, Ruth, not James. He didn’t know. He’s a good person, and he loves you very much. Be mad at me.”
“I’m plenty mad at you!” Ruth said. “I heard what Uncle James said. You gave me away without even looking at me! Didn’t you even care about me at all?” The gentle sobs of a heartbroken teenager – one whose heartache now ran much deeper than the heartbreak of a lost first love could – resonated out into the open.
“I’m so sorry, Ruth, I am! I was a coward,” Rae replied. “But James, if he’d known about you, we wouldn’t be where we are right now.”
“I loved my mom. When she died, I tried to imagine who my birth mom was. My mother had always told me what a wonderful person she must have been and how much she must have loved me. She said it must have been so hard to give me away to another family to raise. None of that is true! You didn’t even care enough to see me!”