Fifteen Years

by Allison Rios

  “I loved you, Ruth, I did! I was too scared to see you; scared that if I saw you, I wouldn’t be able to do what was best for you by giving you to a family who could take care of you. Blame me, Ruth. Be livid with me. James didn’t know any of this. When I told him a few months ago that we had a child, he was so angry at me. He said he would have taken care of you and given you a home. He said he’d stop at nothing to find out who you were and welcome you into his life. He’s a good man, and he’s a victim in this, too. I didn’t give him a chance.”

  Rae took a step toward the girl, and Ruth pushed herself back.

  Rae crumbled to the ground, cupping her mouth to soften the sobs as James looked over the bruised, bleeding, and frightened girl. He assessed the wounds and the definite break in her shin bone.

  “Ruth, hang on, I’m going to get you out of there,” he said. He tried to lift her but buckled under the strain of his still injured leg. “I’ve gotta go get some help. I’ll be right back, okay? You’re going to be okay; we’re going to be okay.”

  “Uncle James, don’t leave me!” the teen cried.

  “I’ll be right back, I promise you!” He held Ruth’s face in his hand to reassure her that he would return as quickly as he could.

  “Stay with her,” he ordered Rae as he walked past.

  “I can’t,” she cried. Rae stepped backward as she distanced herself from James.

  He looked at her with a smirk and shook his head.

  “You’ve been trying for years to get away from this town and everyone in it. You’re right, Rae. You should go. NOW!” he yelled. He looked down at Ruth once more and left to find help.

  “I’ll be right back, Ruth. I’m not going anywhere.”

  Chapter 37

  Saturday, December 12

  “I have to run these groceries over to Hank. You mind watching the store, Micah?”

  “Not at all,” Micah replied. He watched James load up the last of the groceries in the cab of the pickup and disappear down Main Street.

  “Uncle Micah, can I ask you something?”

  Ruth appeared from around the corner. She’d been quieter the past week. James had confided in Micah and Reed about what happened. He’d sought their input on how to move forward, though neither Micah nor Reed had much in the way of opinions.

  “Sure,” he said. He nodded at the chair, and she sat down next to him. “What’s up?”

  “Did you ask Aunt Nella out yet?”

  “Very funny,” Micah replied.

  “I’m serious. She likes you. I can tell.”

  “I’m not having this conversation with you,” he said as he began to walk away.

  “Okay, okay, I have another question,” Ruth said. “A serious one. Your parents died when you were younger, right?”

  “Yes, they did. When I was in high school.”

  “Do you miss them?”

  “Every single day. You thinking about your mom and dad?”

  “I’ve been thinking about them a lot. And James. And

  Rae.”

  “And?” Micah sensed there was more to the story.

  “I know Rae is sick and that there isn’t much more they can do. Lorraine told me. We talk about it a little.”

  “I’m sure that has to be hard.”

  “I know there’s a lot to the story that I don’t know. And I know that Rae was just trying to do what she thought was best for everyone.”

  “Yes, she was,” Micah said. While he harbored animosity toward Rae, he also knew better than to badmouth a child’s mother in front of them.

  “And I know that wishing everything happened differently wouldn’t change a thing. If it would, my mom and dad wouldn’t have died in that car crash. I’m just trying to figure out how to go forward from here.”

  Micah gave her a gentle hug.

  “Well, that’s all we can do. We can only move forward.”

  “If you knew you could see your mom or dad again just for one day, would you do it, Uncle Micah? Even if you were so, so very mad at them?”

  “I absolutely would.”

  “Even if they’d be gone again tomorrow?”

  “Yes, even if they’d be gone tomorrow. We can’t measure life or our happiness by what gets taken away from us. It’s a fact of life that we’re all only here for a short amount of time. The best thing that we can do for ourselves is make every breath we take count. If I could see them just one more time, even if I knew they’d have to leave again, I would definitely do it. That’s one more day full of love I get to share with the people most important to me. Is this about Rae?”

  Ruth nodded. She played with her hands to avoid eye contact and let the silence overtake the conversation.

  “I just don’t know if I want to let her in. I mean, I want to know her. But I don’t want to know her just to say goodbye. Plus, my dad is real mad at her. And at my Grandma Lorraine.”

  “That is a conundrum,” Micah said. “The lesson you’ve had to learn really early in life is that all people – even those closest to you – make mistakes. Sometimes they’re big ones. Sometimes we think we’re helping, but it turns out we’re just making a mess of things. Forgiveness is so important, Ruth, not just for the people who are asking you for it but for you, too. None of us are perfect. Your daddy knows that. If you want to get to know your birth mom, you have an opportunity today to do that. If even one small part of you thinks that you might want to talk to her, you should. You aren’t guaranteed that option tomorrow. I remember on the day my parents died, I rushed out of the house and skipped breakfast to get to school to see my friends. Breakfast time was always when my mom and I sat down and talked about everything and anything. And here I am all these years later, and I would give anything to have sat with her that one last morning.”

  “I feel like I’ll be betraying James – I mean Dad – if I talk to her.”

  “Let me tell you a little something about your dad,” Micah said. “Whatever anger he has with Rae is dwarfed by his love for her. That’s just how it is with him. He feels with every last inch of his heart. For as much as he’s cursing her right now, in the next breath, he’s thinking about how much she means to him. I’d be willing to bet that he wants to talk to her, too, but is scared it will upset you. Maybe if you talk to him about it, you can do it together. It’s okay to want to know your birth mother. It’s normal to want to know where you came from and who your family is. And mostly, it’s okay to make mistakes because sometimes the best things happen when the healing starts.”

  She reached into her pocket to make sure the letter was still there. James had given it to her the night before, and she’d already read it more than a dozen times.

  To my child,

  I’m writing this because I’m pretty sure I won’t be here to say hello or goodbye to you when the time comes. The accompanying paperwork will explain why. I thought it was important that you have some medical history on your birth mother, so I included it.

  What that paperwork won’t tell you is what I’m putting in this letter. I know it might not seem like it, especially one day when James explains everything to you, but I do love you with all my heart. Making the decision to let you go was by far the most difficult, most haunting, and most unbearable decision I’ve ever made, and I think about it every single day. I wasn’t ready to be a mother and you deserved to have the very best family life could offer you.

  James is an amazing man. He didn’t know about you. If he had, you would never have been adopted. I have no doubt in my heart that he would have moved mountains to provide you the type of life you deserved. I robbed you both of the opportunity to grow up together as father and daughter, but I’m hoping if you’re reading this that you’ll give him a chance now. You deserve to know and to love each other.

  I wish I could get one look at you. I’ve never let myself say that, but it’s true. I wish I could see the beautiful person you’ve turned out to be. I hope you’ve had a fulfilling life with a thousand more wonderful adventures
to come. And I hope that you will let James be a part of it.

  He is a kind, sweet, caring man. He is loyal beyond what most people deserve, and he is protective of those he cares about. I hope that you have every quality that makes him the admirable man he is.

  I’m sorry that I may not be here to meet you, but always carry the knowledge that your birth mother loved you more than anything in her entire life. I am truly sorry for my wrongs and hope that you can forgive me – not for me, but for you.

  Love always,

  Your mother, Rae Pinemore

  Chapter 38

  Thursday, December 24

  James closed the oven door and admired the cooking skills he had somehow been able to develop over time.

  “Ruth, set the table please,” he called out once the doorbell stopped ringing. He flipped the kitchen towel across his shoulder and dusted off the flour speckling his shirt.

  Life had changed for him considerably. He had gone from uncle to father, and while Ruth had been accepting and even excited at the idea once she settled into the truth, he’d also had to make up for the loss of another mother for her. Rae had explained time and again via email – the only way she would communicate – that she was sorry. He’d never responded, and a part of him hoped she felt the pain he’d gone through when she’d done the same.

  The door opened and the crisp night air enveloped him.

  “Hi, James.” He stared at the woman in front of him; the woman he’d loved for nearly twenty years, but held more anger for than anyone else in the world.

  “Hi,” he replied. He didn’t invite her in nor move from his spot in the doorway. “What are you doing here?”

  “I wanted to bring a present for Ruth. I don’t know if she’ll want it, so I’ll just leave it with you if that’s okay. It is sort of a birthday and Christmas present combined.”

  “You missed her birthday. You of all people should know the date.”

  “I know the date,” Rae replied.

  “It’s not her birthday again for a long time, Rae.”

  “I know that,” Ruth replied, clearly flustered. “But November is ten months away and the doctors, they aren’t sure of how long I have,” she said before the tears threatened to interrupt her.

  “Her birthday isn’t in November, either. She wants to celebrate her real birthday.”

  “I just wanted to give her something. It’s not much, but I thought she should have this box of memories I kept from you and I. Some letters and pictures, and that gold necklace with the heart charm. I guess I hope that she’ll at least know how much I loved you and that she’s a part of that.” Rae paused before smiling. “Just don’t ever tell Ava this stuff exists. She thought she helped me get rid of everything forever ago.”

  James didn’t find any joy in her humor.

  “All this time and you show up now with a gift? It doesn’t work that way.”

  “I know that,” she said. “I don’t know how it does work, though. I’m trying.”

  She shifted uncomfortably and leaned a little harder on the railing. She'd come all the way over to say her piece, and she wasn't about to leave before she did. “Do you have a minute to talk?”

  “Now?”

  “I’m sorry. I’ll go.” Just like that, her resolve drifted away, and she gave up any remaining fight within her. “I should have called first.”

  “No,” he answered. “It’s fine. Ruth,” he yelled towards the kitchen, “I’ll be back in a minute. Keep an eye on the stove, please.”

  Closing the sturdy white door behind him, he pointed to the porch swing. Once she sat down, he sat across from her on the railing’s edge. Every functioning inch of his brain shouted at him to hate her; to scream and yell and admonish her for all she’d done to them. Yet his heart beat faster in her presence, and though the urge to be angry pushed forward in his mind like a general bent on winning an unwinnable war, his heart fought back with strengthening force.

  “I’m here to apologize.”

  James shook his head. A sarcastic laugh escaped him, his typical method of defense against his frustration.

  “We don’t need your apologies, Rae. I’ve had about enough of those for a lifetime and then some. That seems to be all I ever remember hearing from you, now that I look back on it. How about trying to avoid doing all the things you need to be sorry for?”

  He caught her gaze in time to see her flinch. The last moments of light before sunset gently reached her eyes and lit up the tears beginning to fall. Immediately, the regret of his words hit him.

  “I didn’t mean to snap.”

  “You have every right to snap,” she replied. She carefully wiped the tears away and turned her focus to her hands. He watched her rub them together just as she did whenever nervousness set in. She’d done the same before her soccer games in high school. “I guess I don’t even know where to start. I have been a terrible person, James. I have lied to you more times than I can count. I’ve lied about Ruth, I’ve lied about not being in love with you. I don’t deserve your friendship. I don’t deserve your forgiveness. I especially, well, I especially don’t deserve your love.”

  “You’ve never needed to deserve anything from me,” he replied. “You had my love no matter what, no questions asked. For some reason, despite everything, I still care about you.”

  “I know that now.”

  He watched her shift as the pain of staying in one position settled in her bones.

  “You had these dreams, James. You had these big plans for the future, and I was just a girl who didn’t know what she wanted to eat for breakfast tomorrow. I went to college because that’s what my parents said I should do, not because I wanted to. That’s why I didn’t get into the same school as you; I didn’t even send in applications until most people were getting their acceptance letters back. I hadn’t even begun to think about the next step in life. When we couldn’t go to the same school, I just felt like the end was inevitable. You were destined to do great things, and I was just waiting for the next part of life to fall in my lap so I’d know what to do. I could give you a thousand reasons why I’ve done all of the things I’ve done. I could tell you that I was scared of being alone or that I wanted to leave you before you could leave me. All of our friends were heading out on the next leg of their adventures, whether it was college or life. You were going to meet all these new and fascinating people, and I was just some small town girl who couldn't compare. I was so scared that you’d find something better once you were gone; that you'd wake up one day and look at me and realize that I wasn’t the girl for you. I was certain I'd end up alone and hurt, and I just wanted to preempt that.”

  “How’s that for irony?” he said. “I went to college thinking about the future I could build for the two of us. I didn't go to find someone new. That never even entered my mind, because I knew I'd already found my future. Did leaving me save you the hurt?”

  “I still ended up hurt, but it was never because of you. It was because of me. Everything I’ve done is what’s caused me the pain in my life. I left you, I lied to you, and I gave our child up for adoption and can never have another. And I guess somewhat fittingly, I won’t have much opportunity to hurt anyone anymore.”

  Against his better judgment, he took a seat next to her on the swing. “You’ve made mistakes, but you don’t deserve to be alone. You don’t deserve cancer. You don’t deserve to find out who your child is and then lose the opportunity to know her.”

  “There are a lot of things I wish both of us had done differently.”

  “Agreed. But part of life is making mistakes and growing from them. We were kids.”

  “But we’re not kids anymore, and I’m still doing the same things,” Rae replied.

  “Then maybe it’s time to stop. Maybe it’s time to start taking some responsibility and stop letting fear rule every decision you make.”

  “I want to know Ruth,” she blurted out.

  He’d been both dreading and hoping to hear those words t
umble from her lips.

  “She wants to know you, too, Rae. She’s still hurt and confused; she’s a teenager. But she wants to know you. She wants a chance to know her birth mother before that opportunity is gone for good.” He paused and fidgeted with the buttons on his sleeve. “Ruth’s been spending time with your mom.”

  “I know,” Rae said. “My mom tells me about her. Sometimes I hear them downstairs, but I’ve been too fearful to go down there. Now that’s irony,” Rae said with a laugh. “I’m not afraid to die. I am, however, scared of a teenager. Well, that’s not entirely true. I’m a little scared to die now, because of what it might do to Ruth.”

  “We need to find a way to get past this and move on.”

  “What if she isn’t ready to talk?”

  “Ruth is a teenager, just a few years shy of our age when we started dating. She’s been asking a lot about how we met, and what kind of person you are. She wants to know you. She wants to know about the two of us when we were together. You have a lot to teach her, Rae. She’ll love all the mementos in that box.”

  “It feels so unfair to introduce myself into her life.”

  “She and I talked about that,” he replied. “She asked me what I thought, and if I felt it would be worth it or be too hard. I told her the truth: no matter what’s happened between you and me, I would take an hour of loving you over a lifetime of never knowing you. She didn’t get to know Sophia very well. And it’s true that unfortunately, she won’t have a lot of time with you. Life is just unexpected that way, I guess. We don’t get to choose our fates. We don’t know what the day will be like fifteen minutes from now. We only know what we have right at this moment. And right now, Ruth has the opportunity to at least get to know the woman who wanted her to have the best life possible. If I can still love you, she will, too.”