Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents

by Lindsay C Gibson

  You don’t argue because you don’t accept the premise that your preference is anything to debate. You have made your decision. Arguing implies a legitimate contest of wills, and that, I hope, is not your goal. By simply repeating your decision, you remind the EIP that there are two points of view because—lest the EIP forget—you are two different people.

  Vicki’s Story

  Vicki was not planning to attend Thanksgiving dinner at her parents’ home as usual because she and her husband wanted to join his family that year. When her mother, Maureen, brought up Thanksgiving, Vicki said it might be difficult to arrange this year and she would get back to her as soon as she knew.

  Vicki already knew what she was going to do, but she was giving Maureen a little time to get used to the idea before she actually declined. When Vicki finally told Maureen they weren’t coming, Maureen predictably acted offended and rejected. Vicki started to cringe but immediately reminded herself not to take her mother’s feelings so seriously. Vicki could see Maureen’s distortion field (“This is terrible; I should come first in your plans.”) in full operation, and she reminded herself not to take on guilt because her mother wasn’t getting her way.

  Vicki kept deflecting Maureen’s line of fire by smiling and taking it lightly. She just kept repeating her plans: “You’re right, Mom; it certainly will be different. I know you want us there, but this year just won’t work out for us.” This repeating-yourself technique is a simple, honest way of sticking to your guns.

  The only thing Vicki had to do was to say the same thing pleasantly as many times as necessary until her mother brought it up less frequently. Notice that I didn’t say until her mother dropped it. You can’t expect EIPs to stop angling for what they want, but you can make it less rewarding for them to continue.

  Jamal’s Story

  Jamal decided to quit his first job after only a year and go to a start-up company that looked like more fun. When his domineering father heard about it, he was furious. He warned Jamal that he was being stupid and that it would look bad on his resumé. Jamal said, “You might be right, Dad, but it’s an opportunity I don’t want to pass up.” When his father kept arguing with him, Jamal just kept repeating, “You could be right, Dad, but I think it’ll work out fine.”

  Both Vicki’s mother and Jamal’s father were asserting their “right” to judge their adult children’s decisions. Fortunately, neither Vicki nor Jamal took their parent’s indignant reactions seriously. They accepted their parent’s right to feel the way they did, but they didn’t agree to their demands. Notice how both Vicki and Jamal stayed in touch with their goals in the face of their parent’s displeasure.

  Vicki and Jamal wisely didn’t argue with their parent’s feelings because how their parents felt wasn’t the issue. The only issue was their adult right to make their own choices. By deciding the outcome in advance, there was no room for their parents to coerce them with guilt, shame, or fear. Vicki didn’t have to solve her mother’s hurt feelings for her, and Jamal didn’t have to convince his father.

  Five Effective Skills for Dealing with EI Parents

  To deal effectively with EI parents, there are five things you can do to make you immune to their emotional takeovers and distortions.

  Step out of your rescuer role.

  Be slippery and sidestep.

  Lead the interaction.

  Create space for yourself.

  Stop them.

  1. Step Out of Your Rescuer Role

  Many adult children of EI parents feel they have to be their parent’s rescuer or protector. These are the internalizing types I described in my previous book (Gibson 2015). Internalizers are perceptive, sensitive, and often let empathy for other people overrule their own preferences. They take everything to heart, assuming responsibility where there may be none. Internalizers try to jump in to solve an EIP’s problem even before they ask for it. This over-responsibility is a form of codependency (Beattie 1987) whereby you try to feel lovable and valuable by taking on other people’s problems as your own, often without being asked. You end up more consumed with their lives than your own.

  2. Be Slippery and Sidestep

  Being slippery is the art of sidestepping an EIP’s attempt to pressure you into doing what they want. Sidestepping works better than blunt refusals when EIPs get stuck in coercion mode.

  When EIPs are trying to get control, they pressure, nag, or argue, probing for your reaction so they have something to push against. Their subtext demand is, “Be subordinate, validate my views, and play the role that lets me win.” However, instead of getting pulled into a struggle, you could pause for an empowering moment of self-awareness and simply say, “I don’t know,” or “I can’t really answer that right now.”

  If EIPs try to prompt an argument, you can enjoy a nice breath, then sidestep them with, “I guess I don’t have anything to say about that right now.” Another slippery response to anything that seems false or crazy is to make noncommittal sounds, like “Uh-huh,” “Hmmm,” or just, “Huh.” Slipperiness is effective because no friction is created, and your minimal feedback makes you a less desirable opponent.

  Think of this skill as flowing around an obstacle instead of making yourself a target. Because EIPs aren’t mature enough to fight fair, confrontations with them are full of dirty tricks and red herrings. They will wear you down and distract you from the outcome you want. If you accept a battle of wills, they might win because their self-centered arguments will exhaust your brain just trying to make sense of their illogical responses.

  Try agreeing with their feelings. A masterful sidestep is to agree with the EIP’s feelings. This method must be sincere and not manipulative, or it won’t be effective. If you do it cynically or sarcastically, it will increase your emotional reactivity to them, not lower it.

  First you detach from them emotionally and accept their right to feel whatever they feel, just as you hold that right for yourself. You don’t have to judge their feelings, nor do you have to do what they want. You understand that EIPs are upset when things don’t go their way, yet you don’t change your mind just because they’re unhappy.

  This can be hard to do when EIPs or EI parents start criticizing or accusing you. But if you stiffen up and become defensive, it is like squaring your chest to invite a blow. Instead, take a page from martial arts, where the ultimate skill is to know when to step aside and let your opponents’ energy carry them forward and off-balance. Figuratively, you turn sideways and watch their emotions flow past you (“I guess you’re pretty upset with me, Mom,” or “I know you think I’m making a mistake, Dad”).

  Pleasant smiles and compassionate nods keep you slippery, as well as centered and observant. A good thing to say in an especially tight spot might be something like, “That may be true, Mom. You might be right. I just have to do the best I can with what I’ve got.”

  3. Lead the Interaction

  When you are interacting with EIPs, parents or otherwise, you are dealing with people who are lacking in flexibility, empathy, and frustration tolerance. They try to dominate using a few fixed defenses, which can include much control, criticism, and negativity. But their emotional overreactivity also gives you the opportunity to lead the interaction to your preferred outcome.

  For instance, in conversations with EIPs, they usually talk about things in a stereotyped and self-focused way, holding the floor with topics that matter only to them. Have you ever noticed how few topics they offer in a conversation? Have you ever noticed how rarely they ask about you? They are not interested in discovery or learning more about others. You can lead the way to a less boring experience by enriching the conversation.

  You can steer and deepen the conversation. If you grew up with an EI parent, you may never have learned how to step in and steer conversations toward a more congenial topic. As a child, it felt like your role was to be the audience for whatever they wa
nted to talk about.

  But now as an adult, you can take a leadership role in the conversation. You can change a topic, redirect a negative line of thought, soften a fear, or derail an oration by asking questions that alter the conversational path. By being ready to nudge conversations in a different direction, you can create interactions that feel more positively engaging to you.

  You could express curiosity by asking questions like, “What experiences have you had that made you feel that way? How do you think things would be better if this happened? What might be some downsides to that? I wonder what unintended consequences that might bring. Any ideas?”

  You could also encourage a more thoughtful conversation by saying, “Some people wouldn’t agree with that. They’d say… How would you respond to that?” They still talk, but you’ve now made the conversation more complex and interesting instead of being dragged along passively. Being active in an interaction where the EIP tries to dominate you into a passive role is inherently self-affirming.

  You can introduce broader topics. Because EIPs think in stereotyped ways, they get stuck in conversational ruts they can’t shift out of, even if they wanted to. The rigidity of their self-absorption limits their topics. They may secretly welcome someone leading them out of the blind canyons of their own preoccupations.

  You can ask about favorite TV shows and movies and what they liked about them. Inquire into best places they’ve found to buy things, food preferences, and virtually anything else in an area of their interest. You’re not selling out; you’re directing the show. You are deliberately staying active, instead of slipping into passivity and dissociation.

  After EIPs have talked for a while, you can change focus by interjecting, “I have an idea about that” and then briefly share your thought, followed by, “And what do you think?” If this sounds like elementary, clunky conversation building, that’s exactly what it is. But it’s not something they’re good at doing on their own.

  It’s often hard to come up with conversational shifts on the spot, so come prepared in advance with topics. A great idea is to use a game like Table Topics and pick out a few suitable topic cards to have in your pocket for the visit. They’ll help you think of ways to break that mind-numbing EIP trance as soon as you feel it coming on. Questions about family history, questions about childhoods (yours or theirs), and questions about little-known relatives also could be interesting and may even be something you’ll later be glad you asked about.

  When the EIP is holding forth on something that you are tired of hearing about, you can interrupt and say, “Forgive me for interrupting, I know this is a little off the subject, but I always wanted to ask you…” And then be prepared with a couple of questions about them or their history you’d really like to know. Actively inviting other people into the discussion is another way to give yourself a breather from the EIP’s monopoly.

  In these ways, you actively lead the interaction into a livelier and more reciprocal place. They may not listen to your opinion, but you will be much more likely to be heard if you have questions. Again, the goal is not to change them, but to have more fun leading the interactions in ways that make them more interesting and engaging to you.

  Leading an interaction doesn’t overpower anyone; it just guides people onto a productive path. We wouldn’t allow our kids to get away with monopolizing every conversation or always deciding what every topic should be. Similarly, it’s not good for EIPs to be granted that kind of exclusive and unreasonable social power.

  4. Create Space for Yourself: Disengage, Set Limits, or Leave

  Before spending any time with an EI parent or other EIP, you should plan how you are going to create some healthy room for yourself. This is necessary so you don’t disconnect from yourself or feel stuck in their one-person show.

  Ways to Disengage and Keep Distance

  Sometimes conversation is the last thing you want to encourage with an EIP. You may prefer to keep emotional distance because the EIP likes to engage in domination, criticism, shaming, or sarcasm.

  Use fantasy. A friend of mine found that things always went better when she took a moment to imagine an impenetrable glass bell jar all around her before she walked in her mother’s front door. Anything negative her mother said, my friend pictured her words hitting like pebbles and bouncing harmlessly off the glass.

  She also amused herself during the visit by playfully translating her mother’s criticisms into what she would have liked to hear instead, an idea she got from a funny video (Degeneres 2017). For instance, when her mother greeted her with a disapproving comment on her appearance (“Why did you cut your hair?”), my friend pretended she said something wonderful, like, “I’m so glad you’re here! What a joy to see you!” The contrast made my friend laugh to herself, which made everything feel lighter.

  Use compliments. Compliments were another way my friend created a more amiable space between herself and her mother. Although compliments don’t seem like a form of disengagement, they certainly can be. Compliments put you in charge of the interaction and manage the EIP’s mood marvelously. A compliment can be about anything the EIP is proud of. The best thing is that the EIP can then emotionally feed off the compliment instead of feeding off you.

  Act fast. When you feel the need for some breathing room, it’s important to act fast. If you don’t take a break as soon as you start to feel fatigued or antsy, you can drift into their EIRS trance zone and be unable to extricate yourself for a long time.

  If you are visiting with EIPs and you begin to feel trapped or drained by them, interrupt the interaction right away and say something like, “Oh, you know what, excuse me; I need to use the bathroom,” “Well, I think it’s about time for me to get a nap,” or “Hey, I’m sorry, but I’m getting sleepy; I need to get some fresh air. I’ll be back in a little bit.”

  Notice in these examples that you interrupt their stream of talk with an introductory word like “oh,” “hey,” “well,” or “you know.” These little words constitute the thin edge of the wedge you are driving into their takeover monologue.

  Later as you become more skilled in redirecting conversations, you may not feel the need to escape with these kinds of excuses. But when you’re just starting to create space for yourself, these are great ways of getting yourself back in the driver’s seat. Once you’ve created some room for yourself, maintain space until you feel in control of the interaction and no longer trapped.

  Make Sure You Have a Place to Retreat To

  It’s usually not a good idea to stay at the home of an EIP if you can afford not to. When you spend time with EIPs, you feel an odd combination of being simultaneously disregarded yet drained. Staying in touch with yourself around such people can be tiring because they relate to you like an audience, not a person.

  Because EIPs can deplete you, having a retreat place and planning rejuvenating breaks are imperative during even short visits. Staying in a hotel or bed-and-breakfast can be the perfect way to have some family time while not turning yourself over to them for a full twenty-four hours. Telling them you have stuff to do for work also works well.

  Having a retreat is essential because it gives you control of your exposure to them (“Dad, this has been great, but I think I need to go back to the hotel for a rest before dinner”). The EIP can’t really argue with a physical need, and it makes far more sense to them than if you had tried to explain how their behavior makes you feel.

  For example, whenever James attended family reunions out of state, he made sure to plan daily walks, drives in the country, movies, and shopping trips with his partner so they could get away from the family dynamics and decompress. They looked for the humor in his relatives’ behavior and joked about the situation to keep things in perspective. They sneaked eye contact whenever someone did something particularly insensitive, knowing they could gossip about it later. Emotional coercion can’t take hold if you don’t take it seriousl
y and give yourself frequent breaks.

  Another woman texted her best friend frequently whenever she visited her family. Every chance she got, she stepped away and texted her friend with full emoji humor about what just happened. When her father complained that she was always on that damn phone, she laughed and said, “I know, I’m terrible about that!”

  I suppose someone could say that these subterfuges are not aboveboard and don’t contribute to an honest relationship. But before you can work on a more authentic relationship, you first have to be able to protect yourself in a more active, conscious way. In chapter 10, we will look at ways to be more real with EIPs, but it’s best to learn some self-protective measures first.

  Limit Your Length of Exposure to EIPs

  No matter how much time or attention you give to an EIP, they’ll think it’s never enough. If you left it up to them, you’d be emotionally exhausted by the time they wind down.

  Decide in advance how much exposure to them you can handle before you start zoning out. When that time is up, stretch your arms, give a big forced yawn, and say, “I’m sorry but I’m fading. I’d better get going,” or “I need to stretch my legs.” Then get up. Patting their hand or giving a little shoulder squeeze keeps things friendly, if that would feel comfortable to you.

  If they complain or wonder why you’re always so tired, you can say, “I know, right? Maybe I have sleep apnea.” The fact is, being around self-preoccupied and emotionally oblivious EIPs is tiring. You probably do feel like a nap at that point. It’s only fair: if they get to talk, you get to rest.

  EIPs have no idea how long they talk or at whose expense. For example, Michelle dreaded phone calls from her old college roommate, with whom she no longer had much in common. After listening to her for a long time, Michelle brought the conversation to a close. Her roommate seemed surprised, and said, “Oh, but I could talk to you all day!” Michelle thought to herself, “Yes, that’s because you’re doing all the talking.” Another woman reported that when she told her mom she had to go after an hour on the phone, her mother protested, “You never have time to talk!”