Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents

by Lindsay C Gibson

  When your mind is your own, you are unafraid of other people’s judgment and can think objectively. You can tell from a very deep place whether something makes sense or not. When your thinking is clear and validated by your inner experience, it cannot be seduced by false logic or guilt. With an independent mind and emotional autonomy, you can reason freely, even when EIPs insist on telling you what you should think. This ability to think clearly while considering your feelings and inner experiences is the essence of emotional intelligence (Goleman 1995).

  Shame and Guilt Can Shut Down Free Thought

  The freedom to think anything in the privacy of your mind is essential for your individuality and autonomy. Although EIPs might try to make you feel guilty, your thoughts alone can’t hurt anybody else. Thought is an interior experience, not an interpersonal event. Thoughts innocently arise from our instincts for survival, security, and pleasure and are involuntary. They are the personal, raw materials of the mind and, as such, are neither good nor bad. However, EIPs judge your thinking to make sure you stay aligned with their beliefs.

  John’s Story

  Although my client John was an effective professional at work, he had a hard time thinking clearly and decisively around his girlfriend. One day John realized why he kept censoring his preferences around his girlfriend:

  “When I was growing up, not only did my true thoughts feel shameful, they never felt private to me. They felt dangerous to think because my parents had this little game where they would ask my thoughts on something and then judge them. My thoughts were only acceptable when they reflected my parents’ beliefs. Otherwise, they were ridiculed as wrong, weird, or misguided. I tried not to share my thoughts with my parents because they would go immediately into judgment mode, like rubbing their chins and saying: ‘Now, what do we think of this thought of John’s?’ I felt their verdict was either, ‘This is a good thought; we approve,’ or ‘Your opinion is worth nothing, you idiot.’

  As John’s example shows, you can be made to feel guilt and shame about your thoughts even if you haven’t done anything to anybody. On the rare occasions in childhood when John did disagree with his mother, she stopped talking to him. He paid a heavy price for having his own opinions. “I was dead to her until I stopped thinking wrong,” he said. It’s hard to be clear on your own position if you know your opinion could lead to your being reviled. Because EI parents need to feel like they are right about everything, they make you feel rejected if your thinking doesn’t match theirs.

  As an adult, it’s self-defeating to accept others’ opinions instead of consulting your own mind. But EI parents teach you to do just that; they act like you’re being rebellious or selfish if you don’t consider them first in every step of your thought process.

  EI Parents See Free Thought as Disloyal

  For EI parents, everything is about how important, respected, and in control they feel. So what happens if you have your own thoughts and opinions? They see you as disloyal. To the all-or-nothing EIP’s mind, your differing opinion means that you couldn’t possibly love or respect them. Therefore, you may have learned to hide your more honest thoughts from your thin-skinned EI parents. Unfortunately, like John, you might have gone further and hidden your true thoughts from yourself as well so you wouldn’t feel like a bad person.

  When EI parents teach you in childhood that some ideas are forbidden, it can make you feel guilty about your thought process. Some of my clients remember how stung and ashamed they felt when their parents scolded them with, “Don’t even think such a thing!” or “How dare you think that!” The message was that they were decent humans only if they saw things from the parents’ point of view. Once EIPs convince you to start limiting and rejecting your own thoughts, their mind takes over yours.

  But treating your thoughts as a test of your love and loyalty to other people is a misuse of your mind. When your first thought is, Am I being loyal? instead of, What do I think about this? you cannot think straight. Instead, you will cobble together incongruent rationalizations to fit EI relationship demands. Your emotionally coerced mind becomes preoccupied with monitoring your thoughts so as to avoid shame and protect other people’s self-esteem and emotional security at all costs.

  Ashley’s Story

  Ashley was depressed and exhausted trying to work a demanding sales job while responding to her elderly mother’s frequent demands from assisted living. Her mother criticized Ashley for not calling her every day and not visiting enough. Ashley felt anger and resentment that her mother was so oblivious to her situation, but she didn’t allow herself to set reasonable limits because her guilt-ridden mind kept saying, “I’m all she has.” Ashley’s mother was in a cheerful facility with an active social life, but Ashley irrationally accepted her mother’s opinion that Ashley alone should be her first responder. Her mother’s demands were like those of a toddler who pushes away other helpers and insists that Mommy or Daddy should do it.

  Fortunately, Ashley cleared her mind enough to realize (1) she was not her mother’s parent, (2) her mother was not in a position to dictate who met her needs, and (3) though she monitored her mother’s overall care, she could not be at her beck and call while working a full-time job. This clarification of thought was a tremendous relief to her. Ashley also found she felt less resentful and more interested in her mother’s care once she stopped feeling disloyal for even thinking about her own needs.

  EI Parents Try to Tell You What to Think

  Instead of respecting your right to think as an individual, EIPs believe they have the right to dictate your thoughts as much as they can. The diagram below shows how EIPs push their agenda into your headspace and leave you little room to think for yourself.

  Your mind is the circle on the left. The EI parent’s opinions and beliefs are represented by the circle on the right.

  Picture the overlapped portion of the circle on the left as the part of your mind that has been overshadowed by the EIP’s opinions. This overtaken section of your mind has been commandeered to the point where you now worry obsessively about how the EIP in your life will react to what you want to do. You can see how this mental takeover could cause problems in adulthood, as it did for both John and Ashley. You may find it hard to think for yourself when under EIP’s pressure because you don’t have your whole mind to think freely with, as shown in the image below.

  The area of your mind available for independent thought, aside from EIP’s pressure

  This diminished mindspace is a big problem because creative thought depends on access to your whole mind, no matter where your next thought leads. Your creativity and problem-solving ability shrink when you start censoring thoughts that might offend or threaten an EIP in your life. To be a good problem solver, you can’t limit your ideas just because they might upset an insecure person. However, once you separate your mind from EIP’s control, your mind will spring back into its complete and independent form, as shown in the image below, allowing your ideas to circulate freely.

  Exercise: What It’s Like to Have Your Mind Limited

  Look at the second illustration above—the mind crescent—then write in your journal how it would feel to limit your thinking to such a constricted space. Perhaps you can recall experiences like this when an EIP has dictated what you should think. If so, write those down too. How did it make you feel?

  Respectful relationships depend on each person having the freedom of their own thoughts. The most satisfying relationships occur when you both can think your own thoughts and use your whole mind, without judging or correcting each other. In the diagram below, you can see how coequal minds can relate, resulting in sharing, not domination.

  Two minds sharing thoughts without domination

  Allowing yourself to accept all your thoughts is a huge first step toward being your own person. Just thinking freely for yourself is a significant sign of growth; you don’t have to speak your mind to the EIP until you feel comfo
rtable doing so. Later, you may communicate more of your thoughts to them in ways that feel natural and fit your personality. But there’s no need to push it. Get your mind back first.

  You Don’t Have to Think Nice

  Instead of teaching you to think, EI parents teach you to judge your thoughts. EI parents always turn thinking into a moral issue. They will attack their child’s open, honest thoughts if they feel threatened. By acting wounded, insulted, or appalled, EI parents make it clear that you are only good when your thoughts are nice.

  It’s crucial to realize that you don’t have to think nice. There are no thought police, thank goodness, and you have the absolute right to think anything that occurs to you. Your original thoughts are a big part of your individuality and are necessary to solve problems with creative thinking.

  Shelby’s Story

  My client Shelby usually felt guilty for thinking anything “unkind” about her parents. However, to get her mind clear about them, Shelby wrote a pretend letter to them (never sent) about why she rarely contacted them anymore.

  Dear Mom and Dad:

  You wonder why I’ve kept my distance, but we can’t have a reciprocal relationship when we’re not equal. You’ve always been critical and judgmental toward me. Being around you has meant trauma for me. I don’t even like you that much. You treat me like I’m stupid, but the fact is you can be so nasty at times, I’m actually unable to think in your presence. I don’t feel safe with you. If I let you get me back in your net, I’ll feel bad about myself and even worse about you. You constantly tell me I’m not enough or “you’re not doing that right.” So I have every right to walk away from you because I haven’t been treated well. I’m allowed to break away and find nice people I feel good with. You had no reason to make me feel so bad, just so that you could feel better.

  Shelby felt relieved to record her true thoughts. You too can practice writing down what you really think, tolerating any anxious feelings that might come up. In this way you practice accepting your own mind. You never have to send it to anybody.

  But What If They Know What I’m Thinking?

  Children don’t realize they have mental privacy. They believe others might read their mind and know their secret reactions. They take it literally when parents say things like, “I know what you’re thinking,” or “I’ve got eyes on the back of my head.” Children can grow into adulthood still harboring an irrational fear that others will know if they think unkind things about them. But other people can’t guess your thoughts unless you’re showing it in your face or behavior. Con artists know this very well.

  Children not only fear that their thoughts might be found out and punished, but they also don’t want to hurt their parents. Children of EI parents are acutely aware of how emotionally vulnerable their parents are. It pains them to imagine how wounded their parents would be if their thoughts were known.

  The remedy for this unnecessary fear of secret thoughts being known is to deliberately think freely in your EIP’s presence. It may seem an odd thing to practice, but it can radically increase your sense of mental freedom. For instance, while listening to an EIP or EI parent, you might let yourself think things like, That doesn’t make any sense at all, You are treating me like I don’t know anything, or I don’t have to believe that. By thinking your own thoughts, you push away their mental domination. You enjoy the fact that you can think whatever you want, and they will never know.

  Is Magical Thinking Inhibiting Your Thoughts?

  I’ve had many clients who’ve been hesitant to admit their honest thoughts because they secretly feared these thoughts might bring harm to others. This fear is left over from childhood, when we worried that our thoughts might come true. It can take years of maturation for children to realize that thoughts can’t hurt anybody. Even some adults worry and “knock on wood” to avert bad outcomes from speaking certain thoughts.

  If you still secretly fear the destructive power of your thoughts, remind yourself that many truly desperate people under the most extreme conditions—much worse than yours—have been powerless to make their most fervent wishes come true. You can’t make things happen with your thoughts alone, and other people can’t read your mind. It’s coincidence if it seems that way.

  Your freedom of thought is foundational to your psychological health and independence. No matter how “bad” some thoughts may seem, they’re natural and blameless phenomena with a life of their own. The healthy human mind thinks without boundaries, so wise people let their thoughts come and go without taking much ownership of them. Sometimes thinking is a great way to blow off steam; it doesn’t hurt anybody and can’t be controlled anyway. We can choose our actions, but none of us has any choice about what we’ll think next.

  Thoughts Don’t Make You Bad

  Unfortunately, some say thoughts are as bad as actions, but I believe that is a misunderstanding of a moral lesson taken out of context. For instance, the teaching that thinking about something is as bad as doing it is not saying that fantasies are literally the same thing as actual behavior. It’s simply a caution to think twice about holier-than-thou hypocrisy and judgment. We can’t pretend that some ideas would never cross our mind because as a human being, of course they could. We have no control over what thoughts occur to us. It’s only what you do with those thoughts that counts.

  Separate Your Own Thoughts from the Clutter of Inherited Thoughts

  If you grew up under pressure to think like your parents, you may now have to weed out their influence to discover which thoughts are truly yours. Which of your values come from your own conscience, and which have been mindlessly passed along to you? Which thoughts are gold, and which are clutter?

  The process of mental clearing is very simple: mistrust any thought that gives you a sinking feeling. Many people think self-critical thoughts are the voice of their conscience, but that’s not true. Legitimate conscience guides you; it doesn’t make sweeping indictments of how good or bad you are. A healthy conscience supports moral growth by leading you to make corrections or offer amends. Harsh self-judgment and self-blame are mockeries of self-guidance, echoing the rigid thinking of EIPs in your childhood. Your conscience’s proper role is as guide, not attacker.

  Our true thoughts have a matter-of-fact, clear quality. They do what thoughts are supposed to do: help us solve problems, be creative, protect us, and get our needs met.

  But inherited thought-patterns are different; they feel tyrannical. Their oppressive guilt tells you their roots started in early emotional coercion. It’s not your natural mind that tells you to be perfect or beats you up for making mistakes. Nor does it tell you it’s wrong to disagree with authorities no matter what. Pressured, self-attacking, or guilty thoughts are the mental legacy left behind after you’ve been emotionally overpowered by EI authority figures.

  Here’s what my client, Jasmine, had to say about the difference between her true thoughts and the internalized criticisms of her EI parents: “I’ve been hearing the critical voice lately and realizing it’s not my voice. It’s a voice I thought was mine, but now I’m separating myself from it and choosing something else. Now, when I hear a negative voice about myself, I realize it’s not coming from me!”

  When You Think “I Should” or “I Have To,” Stop and Reconsider What You Want

  Whenever you find yourself thinking, I should, or I have to, stop and ask yourself where you learned this rigid rule. Then ask yourself what your actual options are. That is what Ashley did in the earlier story. She realized that her “should” feeling was based on the belief that her mother’s demands were more important than her own fatigue. She had inherited the belief that good children always put their parents first. Ashley felt much better once she rationally considered her limits and realized that catering to her mother’s preferences wasn’t a “should” she wanted to keep.

  EIPs’ “shoulds” tell you to be self-sacrificing and put them
first, which would make sense if EIPs really were the most important people in the world. But because they’re not, try asking yourself clarifying questions like: Why am I feeling guilty and bad if I don’t meet their expectations? or Is what they want respectful and reasonable for them to expect? This will help you sort through the mental clutter and see the situation more fairly. As an adult, your job is to take care of your own emotional health, not try to win the approval of someone who may be thoughtlessly asking for more than you can comfortably give.

  Early Emotional Takeovers Can Cause Depressive Thinking

  Making children feel guilty or ashamed in childhood promotes feelings of immobilization and depressive thinking. However, you can sweep away these disempowering states by realizing their origins in past emotional coercions by EI parents. Once you label depressive thoughts for what they are and where they came from, you can replace them with more realistic, self-supportive thoughts that strengthen you.

  In his book Feeling Good, psychiatrist David Burns (1980) analyzes how depressed people think and how to use cognitive self-therapy to transform depressing thoughts. Whatever the source of depression—physical or psychological—depressive thoughts are full of self-imposed coercions, as if you have no choice but to accept a life you don’t particularly like. Many people’s minds are littered with these extreme, all-or-nothing thoughts passed down by EI parents.

  Burns recommends undoing depressive thoughts by deliberately thinking more assertive, reasonable, and flexible thoughts. The idea is to train your mind to immediately counter extreme or hopeless thoughts with reason and perspective, much like a defense attorney might cross-examine an opponent’s witness (Burns 1980).

  Burn’s cognitive self-therapy is effective because it helps you spot the defeatist, unrealistic roots of your thinking and prompts you to change it actively and intentionally. Instead of listening to all your demoralizing thoughts as if they were facts, you can label them as negative thinking and contest their distorted view of life. You can reframe hopeless, critical, and discouraging thoughts into more realistic, hopeful ideas.