Now they’re trying to emotionally coerce me and make me feel bad.
Now they’re inviting me to spin up into their drama triangle.
Now they’re on the “me” channel. Every topic goes back to them.
Now they’re dismissing and disrespecting my inner experience.
Now they’re questioning my right to have my own feelings and thoughts.
Now they’re challenging my duty to take care of myself first.
Now they’re making me feel guilty so they can seem blameless.
Once it becomes second nature to spot these dynamics, you can respond in new ways to protect your boundaries and emotional autonomy. EI takeovers are most easily dissipated as soon as they begin. At first, EIPs can “make” you feel things, but as you become more conscious of what they’re doing, their attempts lose power.
For instance, my client Tina felt a sensation like “a twig snapping” inside her when she finally reached a breaking point over her mother’s victimized complaining. From then on, Tina changed the subject, objected, or left whenever her mother started burdening her and draining her energy. Once Tina became aware of the toxic effect of some of her mother’s conversation, she could dodge it as automatically as if she were avoiding physical blows. (“Mom, I don’t have the skills to help you with that. Let’s talk about something else.”) If her mother had persisted in asking her to just “listen,” Tina could’ve said something like, “Can’t do it, Mom. It makes me too sad.”
Interrupting emotional takeovers means that you say what you feel, ask for what you want, and set boundaries on what you don’t like. By immediately speaking up about what you need in the moment—however tentatively or awkwardly—you step out of roles that keep your EIP interactions shallow and full of stress.
Become the Relationship Leader
Once you interrupt the EIP’s control, you can try to move the interaction toward the outcome you want. By suggesting preferable outcomes, you lead the way toward a more equal and respectful adult relationship. For instance, when a parent tries to take over or give advice, you might say: “Well, that’s a good idea, Mom, but it’s important to let me think this through for myself.” If a parent gets angry and speaks harshly, you can be the leader by saying: “I expect you to control yourself. We’re two grown adults now. How are we going to have a respectful adult relationship with you talking to me like that?”
Relationship leaders model respectful behavior and teach reciprocity in their interactions. They are explicit about how they want to be treated and what feels relationally rewarding for them. Relationship leaders spell out supportive values that inspire people to treat each other well.
For example, Brie was a great cheerleader to her father, who was trying to lose weight, celebrating his every success. But when Brie had a fitness goal of her own, her father never asked how it was coming along. Brie told her father that support should be a two-way street, that it would be more fun for both of them that way. Her father seemed surprised—as if he had never thought of that—and promised to show more interest.
It’s self-defeating to follow EIPs when they are not mature enough to be responsible leaders. It’s not doing them any favors if you know a better way but don’t teach them a better way.
Improve the Relationship One Interaction at a Time
Interactions are better managed when you aren’t worrying about the overall quality of your relationship. Handling an interaction is doable, but improving a relationship is too big a goal. By focusing on only one interaction at a time, you will feel much more effective and less discouraged.
In fact, try going into an interaction with your EI parents in a neutral frame of mind, as if you had no history with them at all. Let it be a brand-new day. Pretend everything they say and do is something you’ve never experienced before, such that you are free to respond genuinely in the moment. This technique of entering interactions freshly—“without memory or desire” (Bion 1967)—lets you meet people where they are without seeing interactions through old resentments. You don’t hold old stuff against them and you see them with new eyes. You can interact with your parents as if they were acquaintances you had recently met socially—having no expectation that they would meet your deeper emotional needs. You don’t have to love them, and they don’t have to love you. You can just get along.
One woman told me how much better her connection was with her mother since she had laid aside any expectations for a close relationship. Instead, she interacted pleasantly with her mother as just another interaction with an elderly person. This woman realized that she actually had stopped needing anything from her mother years ago. In fact, her current emotional life felt perfectly satisfying whether her mother loved her or not. Now she accepted each little interaction with her mother on its own terms without comparing her mother’s behavior to what she used to wish for. Once she decided to treat each interaction as a new moment, without grudges or hope, feelings of bitterness faded. She felt satisfied with whatever interactions they had.
Mature Communication Keeps Your Interactions Real
Keeping interactions real means you use clear, intimate communication to tell the other person in a nonattacking way what you are feeling and thinking, and what you truly want. Clear, intimate communication is not rude or confrontational. It neutrally states your experience and does not blame, interpret, or threaten. You’re not trying to change them: You’re just telling them how their behavior affects you. You are communicating clearly how the relationship is going for you, and thereby making it safe for them to open up as well if they want to. By being transparent about your inner experience, you participate honestly in the relationship and let yourself be known. Things immediately get more real between you.
To Have a More Genuine Relationship, Express Yourself
Telling EIPs and EI parents how something made you feel is a giant step toward being loyal to yourself. By staying in touch with yourself and relating to them as a coequal, you change the terms of your relationship. Your interactions become more emotionally intimate and genuine, even if only from your side. Every time you speak up—in whatever uncomfortable or hesitant way you can manage to do it—you bring about more meaningful communication and pull the relationship out of stagnating in superficiality.
Your self-expression demonstrates your equal status. When you speak up, you’re showing equal status to the other person. By expressing yourself, you are saying that what goes on inside you is just as important as what goes on inside the EIP. Thus, you don’t let EI hierarchies form.
Expressing yourself around EIPs can be a challenge, however, because they usually don’t ask questions or leave many openings for you to participate. You might have to make a space to speak by interjecting things like, “Wait!” or “Hang on!” or even raising and waving your hand. If they interrupt, you can say, “Just one more minute, I’d like to finish,” then take a comfortable breath before you go on. Whether they listen to you is not the point. The important thing is that you are taking action on your own behalf by requesting to be heard. Your relationship with yourself will be strengthened regardless of how they respond.
Ask them to listen to you. If you get upset with an EIP about something and can’t manage to say anything at the time, you can always go back to them later and ask if they’d be willing to hear you out. Tell them you have some thoughts to share and ask if they’ll give you five minutes. (The five-minute limit is important because emotional intimacy makes them so nervous.)
If they agree, relate your experience by describing their specific behavior, how it made you feel, and ask what they were intending. (“Dad, when you scowled and your face got red, I felt like you were shutting me down. It felt like I’d better not share what I think. I felt like I didn’t have a right to an opinion. Do you want me to keep quiet around you? What do you want me to do when you look angry like that?”)
In each five-minute conve
rsation, talk about only one interaction. Keep a respectful, curious, and nonaccusatory attitude as you spell out the feelings you got from their behavior. If they interrupt or want to argue, you can acknowledge them, but ask them to let you finish.
When the five minutes is up, thank them for listening to you and ask them if they want to tell you anything. They may not want to, but remember, your mission was accomplished as soon as you asked to talk. That act alone reversed your old childhood role. By sharing your concern, you changed your old relationship contract (such as “I agree not to speak my mind around you”). Short talks like this show both of you that your connection can survive some honesty and leave things feeling more real.
I can’t stress enough that even if such a communication effort doesn’t fix the issue you raised, it has already done its job: you acted like an equal and took the lead with clear, intimate communication. This is a huge step forward.
Use Skillful Nonjudgmental Communication Instead of Confrontation
Fortunately, we know a lot now about what kinds of communication promote positive outcomes under stressful circumstances. Productive communication styles are honest, nonjudgmental, neutral in tone, and empathetic to the other person’s viewpoint. Let’s look at the kinds of communication styles that are likely to work best with EIPs and EI parents.
Noncomplementary communication. This style of communication, described by Professor Christopher Hopwood (2016), responds to angry or aggressive behavior in an unexpectedly calm and empathetic way. The surprise of its kindliness often derails hostility or attempts at dominance. When the upset person encounters curiosity and sympathy instead of a counterattack, the inevitability of conflict is turned upside down.
To use this approach, you respond to the EIP’s hostility with empathy as if they were looking for understanding rather than a fight. By discerning their deeper emotional desire for connection, you interpret their unpleasant behavior as a cry for attention and acceptance. Sometimes the surprise of an empathetic response transforms a belligerent situation and instead allows something creative, meaningful, and connecting to take place.
For instance, Bobbi’s partner always came home from business trips in a grouchy mood. Bobbi finally figured out her partner was not only tired, but afraid that Bobbi wouldn’t be glad to see her. The next time Bobbi’s partner came through the door looking like a thundercloud, Bobbi got up, gave her a hug, and said, “I’m so glad you’re back. I’ve missed you. Would you like something to eat?”
Other people skilled in noncomplementary communication use humor or disarming friendliness to defuse tense situations so that anger doesn’t get any traction. An innocent and concerned response can also make an EIP’s aggressive intent fizzle. For example, when they give you unfair criticism, you might reply with a neutral, “Oh, I didn’t know that.” Noncomplementary communication lets you respond to their need to be understood instead of just reacting to their hostile actions. If done sincerely, a noncomplementary response can transform an unpleasant confrontation into a moment of surprising connection. Even angry people just want to be seen and acknowledged.
Nondefensive and nonviolent communications. Nondefensive (Ellison 2016) and nonviolent (Rosenberg 2015) communications are methods of dealing with people in ways that don’t attack, humiliate, accuse, or shame. The goal of these methods is to listen without becoming defensive while still knowing what matters to you.
Nondefensive, nonviolent communication keeps you out of the polarizing aggressor-victim positions of the drama triangle. You recognize that the other person’s viewpoint makes perfect sense to them. At the same time, you talk about your intentions in a way that doesn’t challenge their worth. By responding nondefensively, you don’t trigger an aggressor-victim drama triangle. You make the other person feel like it’s safe to keep communicating.
These skillful styles of communication recognize both people as having legitimate intentions and highly meaningful needs. Using these communication skills can take the emotion and judgment out of discussions with EIPs. Regardless of the EIP’s response, you will feel far more effective and in control of yourself when you use them. In addition to the authors cited above, other helpful books can be found in the references section of this book to learn more about open, nonthreatening styles of communication (Patterson et al. 2012; Stone, Patton, and Heen 1999).
When Differences Cause Conflict
Now let’s look at how to handle unavoidable disagreements. How can we handle boundary violations or unacceptable actions and still have the best possible relationship?
Set boundaries and say no. In any relationship, refusals and boundaries are necessary to protect your well-being. You don’t have to make excuses or give explanations. You can just say, “No, I really can’t,” or “That won’t work.”
Unlike normally sensitive people, however, EIPs make it hard to refuse them. They may question your refusal by saying things like, “Why can’t you do it?” Or they might try to problem solve your decision, saying, “Well, couldn’t you do it if you…?” followed by a suggestion. No reasonably polite person would keep on like that, but EIPs act like your time belongs to them. If they still persist after you refuse, you can say: “Do you need me to give you more reasons? I’m afraid I can’t,” or just give them a helpless shrug.
Accept only as much as you want. EIPs are often generous in ways that make you feel trapped and obligated. They focus on what they want to give, regardless of whether you want it. For instance, EIPs and EI parents may give gifts they would like to get, insist on get-togethers you don’t enjoy, plan unwanted activities, or repeatedly offer help you don’t want. Just as children keep begging with, “Again!” EIPs don’t sense that other people may be getting tired or not enjoying an activity as much as they are. One man, after his mother wouldn’t take no for an answer about bringing a gift over, finally explained to her, “Mom, your gifts don’t feel like gifts. They feel like obligations.”
If you don’t make a fuss over what they are offering—whether it’s food, gifts, money, hospitality, or advice—they act like you’re being rude and deliberately hurting their feelings. But of course, this is untrue. You have the right to say, “That’s all,” or “That’s enough” about anything. Same for, “No more,” or “Wish I could, but no thanks.” After that, it’s up to them to handle their feelings.
Don’t reward regressive behavior. EIPs and EI parents will often sulk or act wounded, prompting you to rescue them. If you jump in to pacify them, you are encouraging more regressive, guilt-inducing behaviors.
For instance, my client Sandy had a very emotional mother, Cora, who would withdraw in tears to her bedroom when something happened she didn’t like. Sandy usually felt bad and followed after her mother, asking her questions and trying to make her feel better. Sometimes Cora would prolong this attention by refusing to talk or accept comforting until Sandy had persisted for several minutes.
Sandy was understandably tired of this pattern, so she tried something new. The next time Cora did this, Sandy went to her bedroom and said sincerely, “I can see you’re really sad, Mom. I’m going to let you work it out. When you’re ready, I’ll be downstairs, and we can go shopping like we planned. But I want you to take as much time as you need to feel sad.” Sandy then gently closed the door after her.
With this new approach, Sandy gave autonomy to her mother and stepped out of the rescuer role. Sandy empathized with Cora’s feelings—she wasn’t cold or critical—but let her know this wasn’t something she could participate in or fix for her. Cora came downstairs about fifteen minutes later, and Sandy smiled at her and said, “Ready to go shopping?”
In another example, Paul’s rigidly moralistic father refused to go out to dinner as planned because he thought Paul had finagled a reservation under false pretenses. Paul told his father calmly, “That’s fine, Dad. Please don’t do anything you don’t want to. We’re going to leave in about a half hour. If
you change your mind, we’d love to have you go with us, or you can catch a cab over later if you’d like to join us for coffee and dessert.”
The important thing in these examples is that there was no blame, shame, or attempt to change the parent’s emotion. These parents were given autonomy to have their feelings and make their choices. They could go along with a fun outing, or they could stay upset. They were respectfully offered options.
Express anger clearly, directly, and with respect. While calm interactions are ideal, there are times when anger feels necessary. An EI parent’s stubbornness can be very hard to take, especially when there’s been a long history of dominance by this parent. Fortunately, your anger can still be expressed in a respectful, nonabusive way.
Bethany’s Story
Bethany began her session one day by announcing, “I blew up at my dad today.” It turns out her elderly EI father, Levi, had berated the staff at his nursing home yet again, yelling at them for small oversights as if he were in a five-star hotel. Now several of the aides were threatening to walk off his case. Bethany had had enough of the phone calls about her father’s behavior. She needed him to understand the seriousness of the situation. She confronted Levi with the facts by reminding him that if he kept this up, he might get kicked out and end up in a much less nice place (which was true; he had limited funds and had been lucky to find the place he was in).
Bethany reminded him the staff had tough jobs and were people too. She told him she was tired of always having to patch things up for him and that he should think of others for a change. “I’m exhausted,” Bethany told him. “You have to think of what all this is doing to me. What are you going to do if I’m dead? Show some gratitude, Dad! Take some of the burden off me. You know how to be nice, so do it!”
Bethany didn’t shame or abuse Levi; she simply communicated forcefully what she needed him to do. Levi was of sound mind, so he wasn’t excused from decent social behavior, even at this late date. He didn’t like his circumstances, but Bethany didn’t like hers either. For Bethany’s own health, she needed to tell Levi to make an effort and stop creating more work for her. This confrontation didn’t change Levi’s personality, but it opened a moment of clarity and clear intimate communication between them. To Bethany’s amazement, her father later apologized. They became—for the moment—two adults working something out between them.
Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents Page 19