Bethany showed how anger can be expressed forcefully, but as clear, intimate communication instead of an attack. Every time her dad slipped back into abusive behavior, Bethany now had an active way of expressing her displeasure and telling her dad what was expected of him. Maturely handled anger may be emotional and intense, but it stays on topic and deals directly with the other person about a specific issue. Ross Campbell (1981) describes how anger can be expressed at many different levels of maturity and in ways that are more or less conducive to resolving a problem. The anger may be negative in tone, but as long as it is expressed logically, in words, on topic, without abusive language or behavior, and is directed only at the person or problem in question, it’s still at a pretty mature level.
Bethany’s tone with her father was emotional and negative, but she was still addressing the problem objectively and telling him what she needed without becoming abusive. She wasn’t trying to punish or dominate him; she was just raising the volume to be heard through his self-preoccupied fog. She forcefully reminded him that there are other people in the world, and if he didn’t take them into consideration, he might lose the support he was taking for granted. It was good for both of them that Bethany put her foot down and kept it real between them.
Accepting Your Losses and Going Forward
Many people think that a good relationship with their parent means the parent would finally be happy with them. But considering the dissatisfaction and defensiveness of EIPs, you know that nothing keeps them happy for long. Why not give up trying to change them and instead become happy with yourself? By accepting the EIP’s limitations, you become freer to take care of yourself and may even feel more compassion for them.
Appreciate What You Can and Honor Whatever Bond You May Feel
Most of us feel a primal attachment to our parents, regardless of whether our emotional needs were met. Family connections run deep regardless of frustrations, and not many of us want to relinquish these bonds completely. Even exasperating family relationships can feel meaningful and irreplaceable at a basic human level. Strong feelings of belonging create powerful ties to our parents in spite of painful or depriving experiences with them.
One woman told me that she still wanted a relationship with her mother, even though her mom wasn’t “gentle, soft, or safe.” This woman remembered vividly the moment, crying in her bedroom, when she realized her mother was never going to change. At that moment, she resolved to accept her mother as she was because the family connection was so important to her.
Another woman had had a very difficult and vexing relationship with her EI father. She had been treated badly and let down many times by him. But when he became terminally ill, she was by his side constantly. After he died, she realized that her conflictual feelings about him no longer seemed to matter. “He was my dad,” she said.
Your EI parents may not have given you all the love you needed, but they played an essential role in your learning to love, and that is also an important thing. So of course you may feel very attached to your parents—just don’t forget to stay equally attached to yourself as well. As long as you don’t give yourself up to keep a relationship with them, it will be all right.
Seeing Your Relationship with Your EI Parent Now with Compassion and Realism
Once you free yourself from EI relationship patterns that held you back, you may regret the time you lost before you became more self-aware and sure of your capacity for love. Many people wish they could have back the time they spent trying to accommodate their parents’ distortions and craving their approval. But perhaps it can comfort you to know that once you are free of oppressive EI relationship control, you really do get a new life to live. The difference is sometimes so marked between past enthrallment to EI parents and a newly developed self-possession that it’s as if you got to have two lives and two self-concepts instead of one.
As you look back on your relationship with your EI parents, you may regard your parents with both compassionate sadness and steely realism. You now have a broader perspective in which you can finally stand outside the relationship and view it as an adult.
Grace’s Story
Grace had worked hard in therapy to develop a more positive self-concept and a more socially rewarding life. She had grown up with a dominant mother who was so mistrustful and controlling that Grace felt disloyal if she did much outside the family. After her mother’s death, Grace became more socially open and found that people were much kinder and more welcoming than her mother had been. Grace didn’t grieve for her mother—there was too little closeness for that—but thinking back on her mother’s life, she did feel compassion for how much her mother’s emotional immaturity had cost her.
“I don’t think any of us kids grieved my mom because she was so cold. She lost out by not being beloved. Most of her children had terrible struggles with her. She had such a lack of empathy; she seemed to have an absence of wanting to be connected to you. She was so committed to her thought processes of judging people and how they fell short that she couldn’t love anybody. She focused on how people should be improving themselves. She just didn’t have the ability to connect with the heart song of another person. She could be compassionate at a theoretical level, like at church, but on a personal level she was so difficult. Everything was about what was done to her, not empathy for us. Her resentment caused such ugliness in her that she couldn’t be loved because of how she acted.”
I found Grace’s growth over time and her awareness of her mother’s emotional limitations profoundly moving. Grace’s growth trajectory followed the path of many people who have recovered from EI parents. As Grace became attached and loyal to herself, she discovered what she was interested in and whom she liked. She loved her home and pets, and enjoyed more friends and meaningful group activities. Now that Grace felt free to choose the life directions that spoke to her, she could see clearly how her mother’s fears had fenced in her life. She felt compassion for her mother, but she was relieved her life belonged only to her now. Grace’s nurturing relationship with herself was becoming all that she had never gotten from her mother.
Grace had developed a new understanding of her mother, all these years after her mother’s death. She could see her mother objectively because she now had a loving and protective relationship with her inner self, the innocent part of her who had loved her mother even when her mother couldn’t love her back. Grace felt more whole now, like her own person, not because she finally won her mother’s love but because she had found herself.
Once you free yourself from EI relationship patterns that held you back, you may regret trying so hard with people who gave so little in return and hurt you so much. As you become more aware of your worth and capacity for love, it may pain you to realize how poorly you were treated. Many people wish they could regain the time they spent trying to adjust to their parents’ egocentrism and craving their approval. But perhaps it can comfort you to know that finally understanding and accepting EIPs as they are frees you from trying to please or change them, allowing you to fully enjoy your own emotional autonomy, inner experiences, and freedom of thought. You can’t get your childhood back, but the rest of your life is now yours to create. With a new foundation in your inner self, it will surely be a beautiful thing.
Highlights to Remember
Now that you have thought deeply about the impact of EI people in your life, you can reconsider relationship terms you no longer want. You realize now you’re equal in importance to any EIP, and you can stay connected to yourself and your inner world in loyal, loving, and self-protective ways. In your relationship with your EI parents, you now can be genuine about your own needs, limits, and rights to self-expression—even anger at times. You now know how to actively respond to EIPs in ways that leave you feeling whole and empowered. You can honor your deep family bonds with them, yet still protect your autonomy and freedom to be who you really are. Once you can fully be yourself
and feel equally important, no emotionally immature relationship system can take you over. In its place are two people meeting each other as equals—the EIP and you—now with a much better chance of having a real relationship between two very different individuals.
Epilogue: Bill of Rights for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
As we come to the end of our journey, I want to leave you with a bill of rights to refer back to whenever you face challenges in an EI relationship. These ten basic rights summarize what you’ve learned in this book, especially the idea that you are entitled to your own life. Please use them as a shorthand summary of how to stay centered when dealing with EI parents and other EIPs. I hope you will find them helpful. I wish you the very best in reclaiming your emotional autonomy, mental freedom, and inner life. My hope for you is that as a result of reading this book, you will use the insights gained here to derive maximum growth and self-discovery from any future EIP interactions you may have.
1. The Right to Set Limits
I have the right to set limits on your hurtful or exploitative behavior.
I have the right to break off any interaction in which I feel pressured or coerced.
I have the right to stop anything long before I feel exhausted.
I have the right to call a halt to any interaction I don’t find enjoyable.
I have the right to say no without a good reason.
2. The Right Not to be Emotionally Coerced
I have the right to not be your rescuer.
I have the right to ask you to get help from someone else.
I have the right to not fix your problems.
I have the right to let you manage your own self-esteem without my input.
I have the right to let you handle your own distress.
I have the right to refuse to feel guilty.
3. The Right to Emotional Autonomy and Mental Freedom
I have the right to any and all of my feelings.
I have the right to think anything I want.
I have the right to not be ridiculed or mocked about my values, ideas, or interests.
I have the right to be bothered by how I’m treated.
I have the right to not like your behavior or attitude.
4. The Right to Choose Relationships
I have the right to know whether I love you or not.
I have the right to refuse what you want to give me.
I have the right not to be disloyal to myself just to make things easier on you.
I have the right to end our relationship, even if we’re related.
I have the right not to be depended upon.
I have the right to stay away from anyone who is unpleasant or draining.
5. The Right to Clear Communications
I have the right to say anything as long as I do so in a nonviolent, nonharmful way.
I have the right to ask to be listened to.
I have the right to tell you my feelings are hurt.
I have the right to speak up and tell you what I really prefer.
I have the right to be told what you want from me without assuming I should know.
6. The Right to Choose What’s Best for Me
I have the right not to do things if it’s not a good time for me.
I have the right to leave whenever I want.
I have the right to say no to activities or get-togethers I don’t find enjoyable.
I have the right to make my own decisions, without self-doubt.
7. The Right to Live Life My Own Way
I have the right to take action even if you don’t think it’s a good idea.
I have the right to spend my energy and time on what I find important.
I have the right to trust my inner experiences and take my aspirations seriously.
I have the right to take all the time I need and not be rushed.
8. The Right to Equal Importance and Respect
I have the right to be considered just as important as you.
I have the right to live my life without ridicule from anyone.
I have the right to be treated respectfully as an independent adult.
I have the right to refuse to feel shame.
9. The Right to Put My Own Health and Well-Being First
I have the right to thrive, not just survive.
I have the right to take time for myself to do what I enjoy.
I have the right to decide how much energy and attention I give to other people.
I have the right to take time to think things over.
I have the right to take care of myself regardless of what others think.
I have the right to take the time and space necessary to nourish my inner world.
10. The Right to Love and Protect Myself
I have the right to self-compassion when I make mistakes.
I have the right to change my self-concept when it no longer fits.
I have the right to love myself and treat myself nicely.
I have the right to be free of self-criticism and to enjoy my individuality.
I have the right to be me.
Acknowledgments
My sincere thanks go to Tesilya Hanauer, my acquisitions editor, who originally saw the promise in the concept of emotionally immature parents. Tesilya was committed to shepherding this book through its lengthy development process, and her patience, tenacity, and belief in the book have made it possible for everything I discovered with my clients to reach the public. Much appreciation also goes to New Harbinger editors Clancy Drake and Jennifer Holder, who worked so tirelessly on refining the book’s focus and organization so that everything was expressed as clearly as possible. Many thanks too for the keen eye and guidance of copyeditor Gretel Hakanson.
I stand in awe of my many clients who agreed to let me use their disguised and anonymous material with “if it can help someone else, sure!” We discovered together how to move from the confusion of growing up with EI parents to the lightness of being that comes from deeply understanding what you’ve been up against and transforming constricting patterns into new strengths.
My gratitude also goes to the theorists and researchers of developmental psychology, who made possible my understanding of emotional immaturity and its effects. I was fortunate that my graduate work exposed me to the developmental and personality insights of the old masters of psychology, instead of focusing only on symptoms and techniques. Theories show us the big picture and make sense of it all. I learned from the best.
I want to thank my colleagues Brian Wald, Tom Baker, and Mary Warren Pinnell, whose ideas and suggestions were immeasurably helpful to me during the writing of this book as I picked my way through thorny issues and puzzling points.
I am deeply grateful for the emotional support and enlightening discussions that came from my sister, Mary Babcock, who has been my biggest supporter since childhood. Her insights and deep understanding of people’s behavior always help me get to the bottom of things. Thanks too to Barbara and Danny Forbes, for their ideas and contributions. Barbara sees my heart and has given me constant love and special celebrations over many years.
Lynn Zoll has been both nurturer and cheerleader throughout this process, keeping me laughing by sending poems, food, and “Write on!” emails, while always being available to talk over book points. Kim Forbes has also been unfailing in her interest, support, and uniquely inspiring cards and texts, not to mention our enlightening discussions. My deep thanks too to Esther Freeman, who in our long friendship has taught me so much about responding actively to setbacks and discouragements. Her invaluable insights always steer my ideas toward practicality and application.
Thank you to my wonderful son, Carter Gibson, who has kept tabs on my progress and lifted me up with fresh and encouraging takes on what seemed like overw
helming setbacks. I love the way he sees the world and does his life. I wish his kind of aliveness for everyone.
Finally, deepest thanks of all go to my husband, Skip. My connection with him has been the joy of my life and has been a primary catalyst for whatever emotional maturity I may have. He supported my dream for this book both emotionally and materially, but the best part was his deep understanding of the importance and power of dreams themselves.
References
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Barrett, L. 2017. How Emotions Are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain. New York: Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company.
Beattie, M. 1987. Codependent No More. San Francisco: Harper and Row.
Berne, E. 1964. Games People Play. New York: Ballentine Books.
Bickel, L. 2000. Mawson’s Will. South Royalton, VT: Steerforth Press.
Bion, W. 1967. “Notes on Memory and Desire.” Psychoanalytic Forum 2: 272–273.
Bowen, M. 1985. Family Therapy in Clinical Practice. Lanham, MD: Rowman and Littlefield Publishers, Inc.
Bowlby, J. 1979. The Making and Breaking of Affectional Bonds. New York: Routledge.
Bradshaw, J. 1990. Homecoming. New York: Bantam Books.
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