by Hanna Ruthie
I turn to look at her. “Don’t worry ‘bout it,” I shrug.
She squints at me but drops it.
I look back towards the entryway to see Chris’s almost mistake walk out the door. She doesn’t look angry or disappointed, just neutral. When she closes the door, I turn back to Josie.
“That was close. If Ariana found-”
I’m interrupted when Chris walks out of his room, his eyes bloodshot. He’s about to crack. But fuck if I know how to deal with it.
“Uh oh,” I say standing up. “Do I need to call Thomas?”
He doesn’t answer, but the lack of a no really just means yes. He sits down at the counter as Josie stands up.
“I’ll take off,” she says, understanding that Chris needs some privacy right now.
She smiles at me lightly, giving me a small side hug. “I’ll catch you later.”
“Okay,” I say. “And thanks for the food Jos.”
She nods and waves bye to Chris, pulling her phone out, probably to call a cab. When the door closes behind her, I join Chris at the counter.
“Call Thomas,” he says. “There’s no way I’m talking about this more than once.”
Nodding, I pull out my phone and call our missing roommate. Chris puts his head in his hands. As I watch him, listening to the line ring, I can only hope the future with Josie doesn’t hold the same mistakes for me.
Chapter 20
Matthew Steele.
“Hello?” Josie’s sweet voice answers when I call her.
“Hey, it’s Matt.”
“Yeah,” she giggles. “I know, I have caller ID Matt.”
“Oh right, so… do you want to come over?”
There’s a pause on the other line and I curse myself for being so blunt.
“Um, right now?”
“Yeah… we just didn’t get to finish the movie the other day. We really hardly started it.”
There’s another pause on the other end before Josie speaks again.
“Uh sure. Just give me a few minutes. I’ll be over soon.”
“Cool.”
“Okay…” Josie laughs awkwardly. “Bye.”
I hang up, cursing myself for being so damn awkward. I can’t fucking help it. It’s no surprise at this point that I still don’t know what I’m fucking doing.
* * *
“Hey,” I say, opening the door for Josie.
Fuck me. I guess I can add another mental image of her to the fantasy corner of my brain. She looks ready for a date today. A jean skirt stops before her knees, a black tank top tucked in and covered with a brown jacket. Her hair is pulled up the way it was the night of the frat party. My mouth goes dry at the sight of her. I have to seriously focus to get my thoughts straight. And even then, all I can ask is,
“Did you just come from a date?”
She raises her eyebrows at me, crossing her arms over her chest. “What does it matter to you?”
She messing with me but I’m in no mood to play games with her looking like that.
“You look…”
I let my eyes scan up and down her body before landing back on her face. She smiles at me.
“I look?”
Hot. Sexy. Beautiful.
“Nice,” I finish.
Nice? Nice?!
“Really fucking nice.”
She blushes, looking down at her worn out sneakers. “Thanks.”
I realize we’re still standing in the doorway so I open it wider, letting her inside.
“And no, I wasn’t on a date,” she says, kicking off her shoes and dropping her purse by the door.
I smile at that. “Josephine Virginia, are you dressing up for me?” I ask, leaning closer to her.
I’m messing with her… well sort of. Maybe not really. But kind of. Josie huffs, her cheeks turning pink.
“What, a girl can’t look nice every now and then? Not everything I do is for you Matthew,” she replies, annoyed with my question.
She marches to the kitchen and I follow behind her happily, enjoying the show of the skirt on her legs.
“Well that’s too bad,” I reply.
She turns around to face me, her back bumping against the counter.
“Because if you were dressing up for me…” I continue. “I might have no choice but to tell you what I really think about that outfit.”
I move closer to Josie, noticing her swallow. I’ve got her attention now. And everything in me is awake and ready to pounce. I can’t turn it off.
“What do you really think about it?” Josie asks quietly.
I shake my head at her, moving in closer. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”
Josie’s eye’s flare in frustration. Oh she wants to know alright.
“Yes, I would like to know. Now tell me,” she demands.
I move closer to her until we’re only inches away. “You’re kind of bossy, you know that?”
Josie’s cheeks are pink, I think now, in desire.
“Matthew, please, tell me what you think about the outfit?”
She asks so sweetly and softly, I have no choice but to fess up. I move closer to her until my mouth is right next to her ear. My hands grip the counter, caging her in.
“I think I want to peel it off of you,” I growl.
The softest and tiniest little gasp leaves Josie’s mouth and I pull back to look at her. Her eyes are wide. Her tongue comes out and flicks across her lips, wetting them. I’m looking at them. She’s looking at mine. She wants me to kiss her. I’m going to. I’m leaning in when my phone rings in my pocket. I curse myself for not putting it on silent. I’m willing to work through it, but for Josie, the moment is lost.
“I-I need to use the restroom,” she says, pushing past me.
I watch her escape down the hallway into the bathroom and I curse under my breath. When my phone buzzes in my pocket again, I pick it up.
“What?” I ask, annoyed.
And then… a piece of my world comes crashing down.
* * *
I hang up the phone just as the bathroom door opens and Josie walks out. Her sweet voice drifts to me from a distance. I feel like I’ve been removed from here, from now, and instead, I’m just floating, watching it all unravel from above.
“Matthew I think we-”
“I need you to leave,” I interrupt, suddenly breathless.
“What?” She asks. “Is everything okay?”
“You need to go.”
“But Matt, we haven’t even started-”
“Go,” I say, loudly.
She tucks a piece of hair behind her ear, looking down at the ground. Then she goes over to the entry way, shoving her feet into her shoes quickly. She swings her purse over her shoulder and backs towards the door.
“Matt can we at least talk-”
“Jesus Josie, get out!” I interrupt, pointing to the door.
She stands frozen looking at me. In this moment, she looks so petite, so pale and fragile.
“I don’t know what I did wrong,” she says, her voice cracking.
There are tears in her eyes as she rushes out of the apartment. When the door shuts, I curse, running a hand through my hair.
“You didn’t do anything,” I reply to the empty room. Too late. Always too late.
I open the door and go down the stairs, catching a glimpse of her hair as it slips behind the building.
“Josie!” I call, rushing down the stairs, suddenly realizing what I’ve done.
Thomas is standing at the gate, apparently seeing the whole scene. There’s a backpack on his shoulder. He must have just walked back from class when she ran out. He stops me at the gate, putting a hand against my chest.
“Let her go man,” he says.
“Fuck.”
I back up a step, putting my hands on my waist.
“Give her some time to cool off,” Thomas advises. “You can call her tomorrow.”
I nod my head slowly, staring at the gate. Thomas pats me on the shoulder, walking past
me.
“Leave it alone Steele. No good can come of it now.”
He’s right, I know he is. But something about Josie running off into the night. Leaving because of me. It feels so wrong. And the guilt is going to eat me alive.
* * *
Me: Can you at least text me back? I know you’re pissed
Me: you have every right to be
Me: But I’ve called you five times over a three day period, I’m starting to get a little freaked here
Me: At least let me know you aren’t lying dead in a ditch somewhere
It takes her twenty minutes to respond, but finally, finally, she breaks radio silence.
Josie: I’m lying dead in a ditch somewhere
Me: Not funny
Josie: I thought it was
Me: Jos, I am so so sorry about the other night
Josie: I don’t want to talk about it
Me: I know you don’t but I need to smooth things over with you
Josie: Why? Why is it so important to play nice?
Me: Because I feel terrible. I can’t stop thinking about it Josie, it’s eating me alive.
Another few minutes passes before Josie texts me again.
Josie: Did something else happen that night? Before I got there?
Me: While you were in the bathroom
Josie: If I call you right now, will you explain what happened?
Me: Yes
My phone rings a few seconds later. I answer it, waiting for Josie to speak first.
“Hi,” she says quietly.
I close my eyes. God it’s good to hear her voice.
“Hi Jos,” I reply, feeling a lot weaker than I did ten minutes ago.
“What happened Matthew?” She asks softly.
I swallow loudly. I open my mouth to say it, but I can’t. The words won’t leave my mouth.
“Matthew?”
“Can I come over?” I croak. I need to see you.
“Yeah…” she replies, hesitation in her voice. “Is everything okay?”
I breathe heavily, forcing the word out of my mouth.
“No.”
There’s a few seconds pause and then I hear some rustling.
“Hold on,” she says. “I’m coming to you.”
* * *
I meet Josie at the door, holding it open for her. She’s wearing a big blue sweatshirt and a pair of black jeans. Her golden hair is pulled up in a ponytail and her face is clean, no makeup on at all. She looks like she just rolled out of bed and threw on a pair of jeans and it’s the strangest combination of cute and sexy I’ve ever seen.
“Hi again,” she says, coming inside.
I wait for her to kick off her shoes and then lead us to the kitchen. There, I open the fridge, pulling out a beer for myself.
“You want something to drink?” I ask.
She shakes her head no and waits for me as I pop the top off. I take a long pull from the beer, using it to soften my insecurities. I’m going to have to tell her things now. Open up. And I don’t want to. I want to run.
“We can go to my bedroom,” I say, taking another swig from the bottle.
She nods and leads the way. I trail behind, using the time to swallow as much of the alcohol as I can. Once we’re in the room, I close the door behind us. I set my beer on the nightstand and roll into bed, face up. Josie cautiously sits on the bed near my ankles, criss cross, facing me. I look up at the ceiling and release a long breath. Then, I swing my arm over my eyes, blocking everything out.
“I told you that I used to watch kids in the neighborhood,” I start.
I hear Josie’s soft voice. “Yeah.”
“Johnny was one of them. There were three more. There was Ray, Will, and Clay.”
Fuck. This is harder than I thought. Just saying his name makes my heart squeeze.
“When I watched them I was fourteen. Johnny was the oldest, just three years younger than me, eleven. Ray and Will were four years younger, just ten. And Clay… Clay was seven.”
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
“When you were in the bathroom… I got a call.”
I swallow, forcing myself to say it. Speak it into truth.
“Clay died, like two weeks ago.”
“Oh no,” Josie says quietly.
I feel her hand on my shin. She’s trying to comfort me. Jesus, I can’t do this. But now I’ve pulled the cork out of the bottle and there’s no stopping the explosion.
“He was such a good kid Josie. He never gave me any trouble. He was so quiet but I… I would talk to him and he would… he would tell me things. What he wanted to be. All the places he wanted to go. Things he wanted to do. He knew this shit as a seven year old Jos.”
I sit up, unable to take it. I can’t sit still. I stand up, pacing back and forth in front of the bed. I feel Josie’s eyes on me. I can feel stinging behind my eyes. I want it gone. I need it gone.
“He was just fifteen Josie. Fifteen. I watched that kid eight years ago. I saw him three years ago. And now he’s gone.”
I can’t even look at her. I can’t handle any of this.
“And none of it was his fault,” I continue. “The last time I saw him he was twelve. He was so bright, smartest kid in his class. He had plans for college. He didn’t want me to leave, Josie. He knew he was going to be the last one out and he’d have to watch me and Johnny and Ray and Will leave him behind. He was afraid of being alone.”
I look at Josie, starting to break down, decompose.
“I left him alone Josie. And do you know what a drive by is?”
Josie shakes her head no. Of course she doesn’t. She’s so pure and clean and innocent. And I don’t want to spoil or corrupt her. She doesn’t need to know what it is. She just needs to know…
“He was shot.”
I press my palms against my eyes.
“I didn’t protect him. I left him behind. And he never made it out. He had to watch us go and he… he never… never…”
And that’s it. I break. I can feel the water in my eyes. I keep them shut tight, not wanting Josie to see me this way. It’s humiliating. But I soon feel her hands around me.
“Matthew,” she says softly.
Her hands tug on my arms, pulling them away from my eyes. I let them fall, staring at the ground.
“He was like a little brother to me,” I utter. “And I fucking left him.”
“No,” Josie says quietly. She runs her fingers through my hair. “It’s not your fault.”
“Yes it is, I-”
“Stop,” she interrupts gently. “Listen to me.”
I look at her. Her eyes are kind and open. Forgiving and generous and so so sweet.
“It’s not your fault,” she whispers.
I don’t believe her. I shake my head.
“Matthew please,” she begs. “Don’t blame yourself for this.”
I feel a tear falling down my cheek and she brushes it away with her fingers.
“If you would have stayed behind, it might have been you that took the bullet. And then… I would never have met you. And what’s my life without Matthew Steele?”
“Probably better.”
Josie shakes her head. “Never. How could that be better? Without my best friend? I don’t know what life that would be, but I want no part of it.”
“Josie,” I say, touched by her words beyond measure.
She runs her thumbs across my cheek.
“It’s okay to be sad,” she says. “You lost a brother. But you cannot blame yourself.”
I nod slowly, looking down at her. I remember the kid that I sat next to on the sidewalk. The one who spoke quietly and only to me. The one who was guarded but excited to see me at the end of the school day. As if Josie can sense it, she pulls me into a hug, her arms wrapping around my neck. I bury my head against her neck, my arms wrapping tight around her back. She somehow holds me up as my will falls apart and I break. I cry for Clay. I don’t exhaust many tears because the pain stays mostly in my gut and not my h
eart. But it’s enough for me to cling to Josie, and use her as a life line, and love her for giving it to me. And enough for her to hug me back tightly and soothe me. But suddenly, I remember something else and pull back, my eyes dry but the pain still there.
“Josie,” I start.
She looks at me, concern clearly washing over her features.
“It was his Mom who called. She called for the funeral. She wants me to go. I don’t know if I can… face it, or her, or that place, or any of it.”
“You should go,” Josie says. “Get closure.”
I grab her hands in mine, squeezing them.
“If I…” I look up at her. “Can I buy two plane tickets?”
Josie squeezes my hand back. “You want me to come with you?”
I nod my head. “Please, it’ll only be for a day or two and I’ll pay for everything. I promise it won’t take long and-”
“Of course I’ll come,” Josie interrupts.
“You will?”
She nods. “Yes, I will.”
Chapter 21
Josie Virginia.
I hold Cammy’s hand as we walk slowly down the hall. The nurses want Cammy to get some exercise so we walk up and down the vacant hallway, right at the pace of a turtle, slowly but surely making progress. She’s really happy to be at this new treatment center. It’s nicer here, with gardens to walk around and a nicer room for Cammy to stay in. Before we got her moved out of the hospital, I could tell she was losing hope. She was eager to get out of there. The threat of death was too close, so close we could smell it in the air in it’s form of sterile equipment and clean folded sheets.
“Hey Cam, there’s something I’ve got to tell you.”
She looks over at me, nodding. “Go ahead.”
I pause for a moment, biting my lip. “So… there’s this guy.”
However slow she was moving, Cammy stops. She stops and turns to look at me. A smile takes over her face. One brighter than I’ve seen for some time.
“There’s a guy?” She asks, exhilarated.
I can’t help but smile when I see how happy she is.