Jacob flushed and glanced at me. “I. Won’t. Hurt. Her,” he repeated, enunciating each word. “Why can’t you just get that in your fucking head?”
Tony turned on him with a fierce scowl. “Because we know better, amigo. You will fucking hurt her. You might even kill her. If you care about her at all, you’ll come with us and stay the hell away from her until you heal. Don’t be an idiot, man.”
Jacob drew in a deep breath and slid out of the car. “I’m fine. Come on, Anna. Let’s go.” He strode across the dark yard toward the front door.
I glanced up at Nate and Tony, who both eyed me with concern. “He’ll be okay,” I whispered. “I’ll take care of him.”
Nate sighed. “I don’t think you understand what you’re getting into. He’s suffering from severe psychological trauma that—when it hits its worst—may push him completely over the edge. He could snap in a heartbeat. He could hurt you so easily, Anna, without even meaning to. But what scares me is not that he might hurt you. What worries me is what it could do to him when he does hurt you. Because it’s obvious he cares for you and he doesn’t want to believe he might harm you. But he knows, Anna. Deep down, he knows how dangerous he is. And when he does hurt you, I guarantee it will fuck him up so badly it will break him.”
My breath caught as I looked into Nate’s too-knowing gaze.
“We can protect you from him,” Tony said quietly, eyeing me with those black eyes. “Come with us now. We’ll keep him away.”
My heart pinched. I couldn’t do that to Jacob. I couldn’t abandon him.
“I’ll be fine.” I started to slide out of the car.
Nate snagged my arm, bringing me to a halt. “Don’t be afraid to call or text if something happens. We’ll come to your aid.” He sounded like he was expecting me to call him soon. Why didn’t they believe in Jacob like I did?
Because they know what’s he’s going through. And I don’t.
I nodded a little shakily, the thought sobering me. I had no idea what I was about to get myself into. Could I help Jacob?
“Thanks. I will.”
“Be safe, Anna.”
I ran to the front door and they drove off.
Jacob had already gone inside the house. I found him standing in the living room, staring at the blood splatters on the floor, a faraway look on his face.
“Jacob?”
He jerked his head toward me, but there was a wild look in his eyes. He didn’t recognize me. Had the blood splatters triggered a memory? Was he lost in that memory right now?
I waited, tense, unmoving, while he continued to stare at me.
“Jacob?” I whispered again. “Are you okay?”
He blinked, then jerked away from me, rubbing a hand over his face. “I see them,” he said hoarsely. “Everywhere I look, I see them.” He swallowed hard and turned back to me. “Help me, Anna. Please.” The look in his eyes was lost, helpless.
How could I help him? I stepped forward without hesitation. He yanked me into this arms, squeezing me so tightly I could barely breathe.
“Careful,” I whispered. “You’ll hurt yourself.”
“The physical pain is nothing compared to what’s inside me. I just need to hold you. Feel you. It soothes me, pushes the monster away.”
I gently pushed against him, not wanting to irritate the painful-looking bruises I’d seen all over his torso. “Let’s go sit on the couch, okay?”
He hesitated, then nodded. I led him to the couch and we sat close together, hips, thighs, shoulders brushing. He never once let go of my hand.
“Want to watch a movie?” I asked, reaching for the remote.
When I glanced at him, his eyes were closed and he was leaning his head back against the cushion. I waited, watching him. His breathing quickened. His hand tightened in mine.
Was he lost in another horrific memory?
His hand jerked in mine, pulling away. He moaned, but his eyes remained closed. What was happening? Was he having a flashback?
I remained completely still, not daring to move. I didn’t know what to do.
For the first time, true fear hit me. I had no idea how to help Jacob. Nate and Tony had been right. They could help him better than I could. They knew what he was going through. But how to convince Jacob to go with them and let them help him?
His entire body stiffened next to me. Then his eyes opened. He turned his head and looked at me. There was so much pain and sadness in his eyes that my heart twisted, aching for him.
“Anna,” he said hoarsely. “I need you. Please, help me.”
I swallowed hard. “Tell me what to do.”
He let out several harsh breaths, then turned to me, crushing his mouth on mine.
I was so stunned, I couldn’t move. Jacob had just left the hospital. A few days ago, he’d nearly died. Yet he didn’t seem to be in any kind of physical pain.
He wasn’t gentle. There was a desperation in his kiss, an urgent, powerful need that frightened me. This kiss was nothing like the gentle, smoldering hot kisses we’d exchanged before. This wasn’t the true Jacob. This was his battered soul crying out for help, trying to escape the pain and the guilt and the grief, seeking relief in any way he could. This was the demons inside him, fighting for release.
He pushed me back on the couch, moving on top of me, still kissing me while his hands moved over my body, intimately stroking, touching me with a desperate greediness that wasn’t sexy or seductive.
A warning bell went off in the back of my head telling me this wasn’t right, that Jacob wasn’t in the right frame of mind to be doing this right now. He wasn’t himself right now. If I didn’t stop him, he would simply be using me. And I knew in my heart he would feel remorse later. This wasn’t how I wanted our first time to be.
He could hurt you so easily, Anna, without even meaning to.
Nate’s words slammed through me then, the truth jarring me like a cold bucket of water splashing in my face.
I shoved against Jacob’s chest, pulling my mouth from his. But even with his recent injuries, he was still incredibly strong. It was like trying to push against a wall of stone.
“Jacob, please…stop. Don’t do this.”
He leaned back, breathing heavily, his eyes slightly wild. Then a look of horror flashed across his face and he reared back with a growl.
“Fuck.” He raked a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry. You should go, Anna. Leave before I hurt you.”
My heart strongly rebelled against that suggestion, though my mind urged me to take heed and leave now before it was too late.
Jacob hadn’t even been back in his house for fifteen minutes, and already he was struggling. Was being back here in a place where the violence had started triggering the psychological trauma that he was obviously suffering now?
Despite Nate and Tony’s warnings, and despite Jacob telling me now to leave, I couldn’t just abandon him. If I left, he would have no one to help him. And if I left him alone, there was no telling what he might do.
“I’m not leaving you.” I looked into his eyes. “I’m here to help you, no matter what it takes. I’m not going to abandon you.”
He drew in a deep breath and nodded slowly. “I think I’m going to lie down for a while.” He hesitated, then asked, “Will you lay with me? I just need to hold you, feel you beside me.”
How could I say no when I could help him? If touching me helped him heal, then I couldn’t refuse him. Jacob needed me. He had no one else.
Except his dreg brothers. But right now, he was refusing to let them help him. I was here. I was going to help him. Deep down, I knew Jacob would never hurt me. I had nothing to fear.
Not as long as he’s in his right mind.
What happens if he snaps?
I pushed the warning aside. I would do this for Jacob.
We went silently down the hallway to his bedroom. I turned the covers aside, and Jacob sat on the edge of the bed. He struggled for several moments to pull his shirt off, then gave up w
ith a sigh. He was obviously weaker than he let on.
“Here, let me help.” I grabbed the edges of his sleeves and while he lifted his arms, I gently pulled the shirt up and over his head. The sight of all those bruises on his torso made me swallow hard and look away. “Lay back,” I urged gently.
He did, reaching down to unzip his jeans. He lifted his hips while I pulled the jeans down his legs and set them on the end of the bed.
Both of his incision sites appeared to be healing well, the one just beneath his ribs from the spleen repair and the one on his lower abdomen from the kidney surgery. He didn’t speak as I slowly looked him over, making sure there was no sign of infection anywhere.
“Okay, you look good.” I lifted the covers over him.
“Thanks, Anna.” He forced a smile. “I told you I heal fast.”
I went to the door and turned the light off, then came back to the bed and slid in beside him. His arms came around me immediately, and he tugged me back against him. I tensed for a moment, afraid of what he might do. But he simply sighed. And moments later, his body relaxed in slumber.
But I couldn’t sleep.
The question kept returning to my mind, over and over again.
What happens if he snaps?
CHAPTER FORTY-TWO
Jacob
I’d been an outsider for as long as I could remember. Born to a prostitute mother who could care less whether I lived or died, I had to learn to fend for myself at an early age. A woman from the department of health and welfare came for me when I was four, whisking me into the foster care system. They shuffled me from home to home, different parents, different siblings. But I never fit in anywhere. Never belonged. Always an outcast.
When The General recruited me into The Company at age thirteen, I was a juvenile delinquent destined for a future life of crime and prison. My dyslexia made it difficult to express myself, and I was constantly getting into fights with other kids. Further testing revealed I also had Attention Deficit Disorder, which made it even more difficult for me to pay attention in school. Not one learning disability, but two. The General had shaken his head at me that first week and announced I was more difficult than most. The expression in his eyes said he believed I would fail. He promised me that if I was strong, if I endured all the tests and trials he inflicted on me, that I would have a place in the world as one of his soldiers, that I would finally belong somewhere.
I had wanted so badly to belong. To be a part of something. To no longer be an outsider. So I’d passed all the ruthless training, I’d survived the horrendous torture, I’d endured the painful injections of numerous experimental drugs, all the while vowing I wouldn’t let The General down. That I would finally belong.
The General kept his word. I found a home with the other soldiers, shared a kinship with my “unit” that was unlike anything I’d ever experienced before. My partner Ralph had become the brother I’d never had, the friend who helped me get through the struggles. And there were plenty of struggles. We went through hell and back, all of us, but only nine of us survived that day when we’d escaped our own slaughter. Now, there were only eight of us remaining, since Gordon, Tracker’s partner, had been killed a little over a month ago.
I dreamt of Ralph that night. Of my early days with The Company. Training together. Going out on missions together. In some ways, Anna reminded me of Ralph. He’d been funny, like her, always saying something to cheer me up whenever I was feeling down. He had a way of bringing morale up when it was low, helping to boost our confidence when it was shot. Everyone had liked Ralph.
I still missed him. Fuck, I would always miss him. A piece of me was lost without him. I’d become a lost soul since his death, teetering on the edge of sanity. Some days I wanted to die, to end my miserable existence. I’d been told that suicidal thoughts were common for ex-soldiers, that adjusting to life after war wasn’t easy.
Yeah, no shit. It was doubly difficult for us dregs because we’d been forced to perform, and endure, things that were so horrendous it would crush the mind of the average person. It was the violence, the killing, that ripped at my soul. I couldn’t escape the things I’d done. I couldn’t erase the horror of death from my mind. And that was what ate at me now. Pulling me down. Sucking me under. Drowning me in waves of darkness.
I constantly dreamt of violence. Of blood and death. Of broken bodies and wounded souls. The only way to deal with it was to spar. Violently. That was why I visited Ron’s Gym at night. The beatings helped purge me of the pain and guilt and grief for what I’d done. But it was never enough. A part of me still bled inside. A part of me was too far gone to save.
But Anna gave me hope. Anna made me want to live. She made me want to fight the demons and find a way to heal my soul.
Anna.
Just the thought of her filled me with happiness. She’d come to mean a lot to me in a short amount of time. I cared for her deeply. I think I was in love with her. Her goodness. Her sweetness. Her kindness. Her silliness. If I were a different man, I wouldn’t hesitate to marry her and make her mine.
But I couldn’t change who I was. I could never make her happy. Before I’d been captured by the Spartans and forced to kill so violently, I had seriously been thinking about starting a relationship with Anna, letting her get to know the real me.
But now I was more fucked up than I’d been before. Now I was a lost cause. I’d come to the conclusion there was no fixing me. But I was selfish. And weak. I would take advantage of Anna’s goodness, her willingness to try to help me. Her touch, her presence, did something powerful to me, soothed me, helped push the demons aside. So for now, I would keep her close, and let her heal me in any way she could. I needed her. So damn much.
I wanted her with every fiber of my being. Resisting her this long had been extremely difficult. Day in and day out, she consumed my thoughts. Yet now she was in my bed, lying next to me, breathing softly in sleep. She was pure temptation and I was growing increasingly weak around her.
She rolled toward me with a soft sigh. I stilled, my heart pounding. We now lay nose to nose. I wanted to touch her. Wanted to press my lips to hers and feel the magic that only Anna had ever made me feel. But I couldn’t.
No. I wouldn’t take advantage of her like that.
Then her eyelids fluttered. I held my breath as I waited.
And then we were staring into each other’s eyes. So close. Our breaths mingling.
The earth stood still in that moment. It was no longer night, but not quite day, the sky fading from black to gray. The room was still shrouded in darkness, but slowly lighting as the sun rose. Anna’s breath hitched and her eyes widened. My acute senses picked up the sound of her heartbeat accelerating.
“Hi,” I whispered.
Her lips curved into a smile. “Hi.”
We continued to lay there, staring at each other, not moving. I never felt so good as I did when I was with Anna. Right now, a sense of peace came over me. Right now, I felt no darkness, no demons trying to pull me under. Right now, all I felt was the calming effect of her closeness, her goodness.
And as we lay there, the atmosphere changed, thickening with awareness. Sexual tension.
Right now, I wanted her more than I’d ever wanted anything in my life. She’d said she was ready to take our relationship to the next level. If I kissed her, would she kiss me back? If I touched her, would she pull me closer? If I made love to her, would she love me back?
“Can I kiss you?” I whispered.
Her tongue came out and licked her lips. Desire raged, hot and fierce. I moaned softly, unable to look away. Her gaze darkened. Then she surprised me.
She moved even closer, until our bodies were touching.
She pressed her lips to mine.
And I was lost.
Swept up in the magic that was Anna.
CHAPTER FORTY-THREE
Anna
Some things in life just felt right.
Like the sun on your face on an early spring mo
rning.
Or a cold cherry Slushee melting in your mouth on a hot summer day.
Or that friendship with someone special that you know will last a lifetime.
When Jacob had asked if he could kiss me, my answer had been to kiss him.
It had just felt right.
I didn’t sense the overwhelming pain and despair that had emitted off him earlier. Something about him felt lighter, freer. This was the Jacob I’d grown to know and love over the past few weeks, not the damaged man who’d been so wounded and lost a few hours ago. I didn’t want to be too optimistic, but right now, being here with Jacob, kissing him, just felt right.
It was magical. Beautiful. Each brush of our lips together sent sparks of desire coursing through me. He was an amazing kisser. Passionate, yet still gentle. Coaxing, yet still in command. I might have been the one who started this, but he was now controlling it. Closed-mouth kisses quickly turned to hot, open-mouthed kisses with tongues delving, swirling, mating. It was the most beautiful, most natural thing in the world. Jacob and Me. Me and Jacob. I couldn’t deny the connection between us, the bond that went deeper than anything I’d ever felt with anyone before.
We lay there, kissing, for a long time. That’s all we did was kiss. I’d never done that with a man before. Just kissed and kissed. His beard stubble scratched my chin, scuffed up my face, but it was still nothing short of amazing. I soon became lost in him, swept away in all that was Jacob. Finally, he leaned back, his gaze hot as it delved into mine. The sky had grown from dark gray to light. The sun was rising, the room filling with light.
“I want to love you, Anna. But first I need to take a shower. And shave. I’m scratching your face with my whiskers.”
“Okay.” God knew I needed a shower, too. I hadn’t taken once since he’d been in the hospital, afraid to leave his side in case he woke up while I was gone. I also needed to shave. I didn’t want to have spiky leg hair the first time I was intimate with Jacob. While he was showering in the master bath, I could shower in the other bathroom. “I’ll meet you back here in fifteen minutes.”
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