His lips twitched, as if he knew what I’d been thinking. “Take your time. I’m not going anywhere. Whoever gets done first can just climb back in bed and wait for the other one to get finished.”
So we went our separate ways, making ourselves presentable for our first time together. My “fifteen” minutes turned into thirty. I wanted to be as smooth, as soft and feminine as possible. I ended up taking a bath instead of a shower, the hot water soothing my tired muscles. Then I slathered plenty of scented Luscious Orchid body lotion all over me. When I went back to Jacob’s room, he was asleep in the bed, his handsome face smooth and clean-shaven, his lean jaw begging to be touched. I dropped my towel to the floor and gently slid in beside him. He stirred and dragged me back against him. He kissed my neck, then went back to sleep. And soon, I joined him in slumber.
When I woke again, the sun was high in the sky and shining through the cracks in the blinds.
But that wasn’t what woke me.
It was Jacob’s mouth on my neck, his hands on my breasts, and his very large, very hard erection pressing against my ass. I let out a soft gasp as he tweaked my nipple with his thumb and rubbed his erection against me with a soft moan.
My body instantly came to life at his touch. I rolled onto my back with the intention of turning to face him so I could kiss him, but he stopped me halfway, keeping me on my back, and moved over on top of me, his mouth sliding over mine. Heat speared deep in my core, a hot, fierce throbbing that I knew only Jacob could ease. The heaviness of his body settled over mine, pressing me down, yet still gentle at the same time. He was as naked as I was. Hardness against softness. Male against female. It was so sensual, so erotic, that I let out a soft moan and arched against him, wanting to get closer, to become a part of him and him a part of me. His mouth was insistent, all consuming, as he staked his claim, his total possession inevitable. I kissed him back eagerly, breathlessly, lifting my hands to feel over his hard, muscular back. I had the brief thought that it was too soon for Jacob to be doing this, that he was still too weak from his injuries, but the thought was fleeting and sifted away as his hungry kisses continued. On and on.
At last he came up for air, kissing down my torso, pausing to latch onto my breasts, one at a time. He lavished them with eager licks and kisses, then drew each one into his mouth and sucked with hot, wet lapping sounds that made me gasp and arch upward, wanting more. I was so hot, so wet. So ready. I’d never had a lover quite like Jacob before. Every touch, every kiss, was magical.
“Jacob,” I said breathlessly, squirming beneath him. “I need…”
“I’ll give you everything you need,” he promised huskily, then kissed me again. Hotly. Thoroughly. Fiercely. Possessively. Oh God, it was not enough. It was too much. It was…everything.
“I wanted to take my time with you the first time,” he whispered, “but I don’t think I can wait any longer. I need you, Anna. I need you now.” He grabbed something off the nightstand. A condom. He quickly slipped it on and came back to me, a question in his eyes. Was I ready?
“Yes,” I panted. Hell yes. I arched upward, opening for him, needing him as much as he needed me. And he pressed down, easing into me, and we came together as one. It was hot, addictive, incredible. So beautiful. This was what a true connection felt like. We rode the sea of passion together, lost in each other’s arms. I had no doubt this was love.
Afterward, he rolled over onto his back and pulled me on top of him, kissing me again, then linking his arms over my back, holding me against him. And we lay there for a long time, just being together.
I felt like I should say something, tell him how beautiful that had been. I’d never had a lover so considerate, so giving before.
“Jacob,” I whispered, lifting my head and looking into his eyes.
“Shh.” He put a finger against my lips. “Don’t say it. Not now.”
How did he know what I was going to say?
“I have to. I want you to know how I feel.”
“Trust me. I already know.” He held my gaze. “I feel it, too.”
I lay my head back on his chest, and he pressed a kiss to my forehead.
We stayed that way for another half hour, then decided to get up and find something to eat. After a quick lunch, we stepped into the shower together and washed each other. It quickly turned sensual, and then we were back in bed, and Jacob took his time with me this time, forcing orgasm after orgasm out of me, dragging each one out, until I was completely spent. And happy. So happy.
We made love again. And again. Jacob was an incredible lover. I would never get enough of him. I never wanted to get out of bed.
After the fourth time, I turned toward him. “You’re like a machine,” I said with a laugh. “Don’t you ever get tired?”
He chuckled softly. “You give me energy, Anna. You make me happy. I can’t seem to keep my hands off you.”
I sighed contentedly and snuggled against him. “I know you don’t want to hear it,” I said, turning serious. “But I want you to know I’ve fallen in love with you.”
He closed his eyes and drew in a deep breath. “Don’t say that, Anna. Please.”
“Why?” My heart dropped. Did he not feel the same? “You can’t love me back?”
He opened his eyes, his gaze latching onto mine. “That’s not the problem. I think I’ve been in love with you almost since the start. But love can’t fix me. I’m…unstable. I could snap at any moment. I’m scared shitless I’ll hurt you. This…right here, what we have? It’s only temporary. It can’t last. So just enjoy it while you can. Let’s not talk about feelings.”
He was scaring me. What we had was the type of love to last a lifetime. I felt it. Certainly he did, too. What we had was rare, special.
I leaned over him, pressing a kiss to his lips. “Stop talking like that. You’ll never hurt me. I trust you.”
“Don’t trust me, Anna.” His eyes filled with sadness as he held my gaze. “Because as soon as you do, I’ll hurt you. Be wary around me. Be afraid. And please, don’t ever trust me.”
“Why?” I whispered, fear creeping in and destroying my happiness. “Can’t you tell me why?”
“Because I’m so fucked up inside, I can’t even trust myself.”
CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR
Jacob
A tense silence filled the room after my warning not to trust me. I wish I’d kept my mouth shut, but once said, the words couldn’t be taken back. I lay there, staring up at the ceiling, while Anna lay beside me in silence. I’d ruined the mood and I wanted it back.
Suddenly, she turned toward me, snuggling against me and leaning her head against my chest.
The breath eased out of me in relief. The awkwardness slipped away and soon, it was as if I’d never spoken those words at all. Anna was an amazing person. She’d already forgiven me. Unable to stop myself, I pressed my lips to hers again, desperate to be close to her, eager to feel the magic that flowed between us whenever we touched.
She eagerly kissed me back, and soon we were swept away, lost in each other once again.
Afterwards, we lay snuggled close, our connection deep, and she gently ran her finger over my phantom tattoo. “What made you get this tattoo?” she asked softly.
I shrugged. “After we escaped, several of the dregs decided to get tattoos as reminders of who we were and what we’d gone through. The phantom was what distinguished me. Tracker drew it. He’s an artist. He drew tattoos for anyone who wanted one. We took the drawings to a tattoo shop and had them done a few days after we escaped.”
“It’s beautiful,” she whispered, meeting my gaze. “Just like you.”
I squeezed her against me, wishing I could stay here holding her in my arms forever.
“So how did you escape?”
I hesitated, then told her the story about how we’d used our gold medals as weapons and fought our way free. “Three of the discharges died that day. My partner Ralph was one of them.”
“Will you tell me about Ral
ph?”
I drew in a deep breath, slowly exhaled. “He was…my best friend. He had my back no matter what. For twelve years, we were partners, a team. You would have liked him. And I know he would have liked you.”
She nodded, burrowing deeper into my side. “You miss him.”
I swallowed hard. “Yeah.”
“I’m glad you had him and that he was there for you when you needed him. I promise to be here for you whenever you need me.”
I pressed a kiss against her forehead. “Thank you.” The bond between us had grown substantially since we’d made love. I felt a fierce, overpowering connection to her now, stronger even than the bond I’d shared with Ralph. I had no doubt Anna was my soul mate. But could I ever fix myself enough to be safe around her? Did we even have a chance at a future? Or was this bond that we shared just temporary?
She lifted her head and looked me in the eye. “You never told me your last name. I know there’s more to you than Just Jacob.”
I sighed. “My birth name was Simmons, but I never knew my father. I’ve never gone by Simmons. As soldiers, we didn’t have last names. We just went by the names that defined our talents.”
“The Fighter,” she whispered. “That name defines more than just your talent. It defines you, how strong you are, how amazing you are to have overcome such adversity. You’re a true fighter, Jacob. You’re amazing.”
I squeezed her against me again, overcome with emotion. “So are you.”
I searched for my bond with Hazel again, and each time I felt her. She was alive and okay, so I continued to send her encouraging, comforting thoughts, hoping she received them and that she understood I would find her soon.
Anna and I barely left the bed for that entire night and most of the next day. I took advantage of this time with her because I knew it wouldn’t last. I didn’t tell her that I was constantly fighting the demons back, trying to keep them at bay. It was her presence, her touch, her love that kept me sane.
But we couldn’t stay in bed forever. And the moment her touch left me, the moment I was alone while she went to use the restroom or to make us something to eat, the demons returned in full force, an angry spiral of darkness that tried to drag me down. So I clung to her, finding ways to touch her in any way possible, needing her touch to keep me sane.
And then Tracker’s text came in late that afternoon.
We’re here. Catching a few hours of sleep, then we’ll be over. I’ll need something of Hazel’s to help me get a feel of where she’s at.
I texted back: Thanks, man. I really appreciate it. We’ll see you soon.
I set the phone back on the night stand and turned to Anna. “Tracker’s here. They’ll be over in a few hours.”
She nodded, her expression filling with relief. “I’m hoping Kenny’s sister Alissa still has Hazel. I got the impression Kenny was making her do things she didn’t want to do, that she wasn’t a bad person. I don’t think she will hurt Hazel.”
I nodded, looking into her eyes. “I don’t get the sense that she’s hurt. And she’s not as scared anymore.”
“We’ll get her back soon,” Anna said with conviction, and I had no choice but to believe her.
Neither one of us wanted to get out of bed. So we stayed there and talked for the next couple of hours. We shared our experiences as foster kids, some of our stories similar, others not. She’d been more fortunate than me. I was glad she’d found a home with the Thompsons, even if it had only been for a short while. She told me that was one of the reasons why she liked to help others, because the Thompsons had been kind to her and helped her, and she wanted to be like them. She also told me her biggest dream was to go to college someday and become an elementary school teacher. With her obvious love of children, that didn’t surprise me. With a little coaxing from her, I opened up and told her more about my childhood and my dyslexia and getting teased and having a hard time at school. Anna asked more questions about my time with The Company, and I answered honestly, not keeping anything back. I’d never felt this comfortable with anyone before, able to talk about anything. Even Ralph and I had kept some secrets from each other, but with Anna, I no longer felt the need to keep things from her. I’d never felt as close, as connected to anyone as I did with Anna now.
“Jessica told me once that I shouldn’t keep secrets from you, or you might leave,” I admitted quietly. “Now you know all my secrets. Do you want to leave?”
“Of course not,” she whispered, leaning over to kiss me softly. “I meant what I said. I’ll never leave you, Jacob. I love you.”
My chest constricted, hearing those words. I knew she meant them, and hearing them felt so good, but she couldn’t know what might happen in the future. She couldn’t know what she might do if I accidentally hurt her.
I forcefully pushed those depressingly thoughts from my mind. It was time to focus on finding Hazel. Then, later, I’d focus on fixing myself, making myself safe to be around. Because I desperately wanted a future with Anna and my daughter. But in order to have a chance at happiness, I had to fix myself first.
Because when we got Hazel back, I couldn’t be fucked up inside, or I would be too dangerous.
But I feared I couldn’t be fixed. I feared I would never be safe.
And that I could never make Anna truly happy.
We made love again as the sun was going down. I couldn’t help myself. I would never get enough of her. I’d become a marathon lover these past few days. As soon as we finished, I wanted her again. And again.
We lay snuggled under the covers, sweaty, spent, content, when Tracker’s second text came in.
We’re on our way.
And our happiness came to an abrupt end. We got up, showered and dressed. Prepared to go find Hazel so we could bring her home.
And through it all, the demons screamed and howled, clutching at my soul, trying to drag me down into the darkness. I desperately fought them back, on the edge of losing my sanity. Every breath was a struggle when Anna wasn’t in my arms. Every thought a desperate clutch at humanity.
I couldn’t shake the fear that I was going to lose Anna.
And that I would never find happiness like this ever again.
CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE
Anna
The dregs arrived in full force at eleven-thirty that night. All of them.
I stood aside while Jacob let them in, greeting each of them and shaking their hands. I noticed the way they all eyed Jacob with concern, and I knew they were worried about him. I was so relieved that they were here to help. Their show of support made it plain that they didn’t want Jacob to feel alone and that they were here to help in any way they could. Though Jacob and I had spent an incredible few days together, I sensed he was still deeply troubled, and was struggling with whatever it was that was tearing him up inside. He’d grown distant the moment we’d gotten out of bed. He was pulling away from me and it terrified me, because I didn’t know how or when or even if we could have that happiness back again.
Tracker was a big, muscular, intimidating man with dark hair and intense gray eyes. He was a no-nonsense type of guy who I sensed was always in control of everything around him. He got right to the point, requesting something of Hazel’s to hold so he could “get a feel for where she was at”. Jacob had informed me while we were lying in bed earlier that Tracker had a “psychic-like ability” that enabled him to “see” whomever he was searching for and then track that person down with the information he saw.
I handed him Hazel’s pillow and watched while he closed his eyes and stood still. Everyone waited, watching him, to see if he was able to locate her. Finally, he opened his eyes and handed me back the pillow.
“She’s with a woman with short blonde hair,” he said. “In a small apartment. That’s all I got.”
Everyone exchanged glances.
“It’s a start,” Nate said. “That means she’s alive.”
Tracker nodded. “Yes.” He glanced at Jacob. “You ready to do this? Can you
take me to the last place you saw her?”
Jacob glanced at me. “The last place I saw her was here, right before they knocked me down with a Taser. But Anna saw her at the warehouse. Right, Anna?”
I nodded. “Yes. They handed her to a woman named Alissa. She’s the blonde you saw. She promised me she wouldn’t hurt Hazel. She’s Kenny’s sister.”
Tracker glanced from me to Jacob and back. “Kenny’s the one who orchestrated this whole thing? The gang leader? The one Tony killed?”
“Yes.” I swallowed hard and lowered my gaze. I still blamed myself for what had happened to Jacob. I’d brought the danger right to his door.
Jessica squeezed my arm in comfort, as if she’d sensed my emotional turmoil. “Hang in there,” she whispered. “Tracker will find her and bring her back.”
Jessica had introduced herself to me as soon as they’d all entered the house. She’d come to stand beside me while the dregs talked. She was an adorable, slender, dark-haired woman who was only a few years older than me. I sensed a genuineness in her that I hadn’t met in another woman since my high school years. I immediately felt comfortable around her and hoped we would be friends for a long time.
“Thanks.”
Tracker glanced at us, then at Jacob. “Jessica can stay with Anna while we go check it out. If I can get a read on Hazel at the warehouse, it might lead us to a new location.”
All the dregs nodded.
“Logan and I will stay here with the women,” Noah said, winking at me. “You sure as hell won’t need all of us to go with you.”
Tracker glanced at Jacob. “Going back to the location where this all went down might be a serious trigger for you, so I would like at least two of the others to come with us in case you have a violent reaction.”
Jacob paled and jerked his head in a nod. My heart pinched, aching for him. Would going back to the place where he’d been forced to kill, where’d he’d been beaten nearly to death, trigger him to have a violent flashback? And if it did, what would happen? What would the other dregs do to help him with that? I wanted to go with them. I wanted to be there in the event Jacob needed me. But I doubted anyone would listen to me if I asked to go with them. They obviously didn’t need me there.
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