Payton started eating, although she still felt a little queasy, and she didn’t know why. Normally, she was okay with winging it, with doing things spontaneously, but for some reason, all of this with Jackie left her feeling restless. She should have been starving, especially after last night, but Payton ate slowly, more to be polite than because she was hungry.
“I hope you don’t feel like I’m kicking you out,” Jackie said. “But even when you’re the owner, you still have to show up... As much as I’d love to spend the day with you. If Oliver was around, I could probably get away with it.”
“No. Not at all.” Payton took a bite of toast. “I was thinking of going into Malaga today and taking some photos.”
They took their time eating, and Jackie gave her the name of a tapas bar that was kind of off the beaten path. Apparently, they did the best meatballs in Malaga. Not as good as the ones at Sun and Sand, but still amazing.
“Thanks for breakfast,” Payton said when they’d both finished. “I’ll let you get ready for work.” She stood up and took their plates into the kitchen.
Jackie followed her inside, and Payton couldn’t decipher the look on her face. She wasn’t quite frowning, but she looked puzzled.
Payton just wanted to get back to her apartment. She couldn’t get rid of the lump in her throat, and the worst part was, it was entirely her fault that she was feeling this way. Waking up with Jackie this morning made her realize how easily she could fall for her.
“Well, enjoy Malaga,” Jackie said, taking a tentative step forward, and Payton hated that she was the reason Jackie was being this cautious.
“I will.” Payton gave her what she hoped was a reassuring smile. “And don’t work too hard.”
“Surprisingly enough, I still enjoy it, so it doesn’t really seem like work.” Jackie returned her smile, her eyes flickering down to Payton’s lips, but she stayed where she was.
Payton leaned in, brushing her lips against Jackie’s in a soft, tender kiss. She wanted to part her lips, to find Jackie’s tongue, to kiss her like she had last night, but Payton couldn’t. Not right now. She needed to do some serious thinking first. She had to figure out which direction this was going, before either of them got hurt.
It’s too late for that.
Payton pulled away, and Jackie’s fingers lightly caressed her cheek as she pushed a lock of hair away from Payton’s eyes.
“I’ll be back tonight,” Payton said. “If you’re not too tired after work, or sick of me, feel free to knock. I’ll probably be up late editing photos.”
“I’m definitely not sick of you,” Jackie said with a laugh, the light back in her eyes as she smiled. “I’m off tomorrow though.”
“Interesting.” Payton easily returned her smile, momentarily forgetting about everything that was wrong with this situation. Every hour she spent with Jackie was digging herself into an even bigger hole.
Part of her wanted to give in to this free-falling feeling, to really enjoy this, but Payton couldn’t. Not when she didn’t know if she was staying. She loved New York, and as much as she wanted to be around Jackie, she didn’t know if it was enough to leave her hometown behind. She really needed to think about this, because both of them had the potential to get hurt, and that was the last thing she wanted. Jackie deserved so much better.
“So,” Jackie said, walking her to the door, “If not tonight, I’m around all day tomorrow.”
“Okay.” Payton stole another kiss on her way out, unable to keep the smile off her face as she unlocked her door and let herself in.
“What am I doing?” she whispered to herself as she leaned back against her door, wiping her palm across her face. “What the fuck am I doing?”
Chapter 17
Jackie’s feet pushed through the warm sand, the November sun sinking lower in the clear blue sky as the afternoon turned to evening. She glanced over at Payton who was drifting towards the water, letting the tide wash over her bare feet, her sandals dangling from her hand.
“I don’t do this enough,” Jackie said, following Payton towards the water where it was easier to walk on the firmer sand.
“This is only my second time down here, and the weather’s been perfect. I should be walking the beach every day.”
Payton didn’t say it, but Jackie couldn’t stop herself from hearing ‘I should be walking the beach every day, while I still can.’ There was a hint of sadness to Payton’s voice, too, but maybe that was Jackie overthinking things.
They hadn’t spoken anymore about their situation. When Jackie got home from work last night, she knocked on Payton’s door twenty minutes later. They spent the rest of the night together. Payton had made a quick dinner, and they spent the evening talking, getting to know one another better. She knew she was in trouble, but that didn’t mean Jackie was going to bring up their future. It was all unknown, and as much as she wanted to, Jackie couldn’t get comfortable with that uncertainty.
The one thing that was certain was that Jackie was falling for Payton. Hard. It had happened so fast. They didn’t know each other a few weeks ago, and now Jackie was trying to figure out how to keep going if Payton chose New York or London or any place other than the Costa del Sol.
“Jackie...”
Jackie stopped walking when she realized she’d gotten a few paces ahead of Payton. She turned to see Payton, her hand on her waist, staring out at the ocean and the cruise liner in the distance, heading for Malaga. The light breeze kept Payton’s hair away from her face, and Jackie wondered how many shades lighter her hair would get if she decided to say. How much blonder would Payton be a year from now?
“I wanted to talk to you about something,” Payton said as Jackie stood in front of her.
Jackie swallowed. Payton’s eyes were everywhere but on her. “What’s that?” she asked, fearing the worst.
“I’ve been emailing back and forth with a friend from college. Tara. She’s a wedding planner now. I think I told you about her?”
Jackie nodded.
“Well, she’s pretty confident she can get me in with one of New York’s best wedding photographers. She set up this guy with his now husband, and Tara thinks that they’ll do her just about any favor. I don’t even know why she’s helping me. We haven’t spoken since we graduated, but I sent her some of the photos from Marbella, and she was blown away. She thinks I should go after this, and I have to agree with her. I was on such a high that day.”
Me too. Jackie wouldn’t forget that day anytime soon but for completely different reasons. Her best friend had gotten married, and she’d kissed Payton out on her balcony. The sound of the waves rolling in now brought her right back to that night, and she had to clear her throat, or she wasn’t going to be able to speak with a steady voice. She knew where this was going.
“You should pursue it,” Jackie said, knowing she couldn’t be selfish here. This was about Payton, and what direction she wanted to take her life. This was just a holiday fling, and even though Jackie knew that was the case, it still left her feeling sick.
“Tara said she’d get back to me today.” Payton checked her watch. “It’s only ten o’clock in the morning there now, but she’s expecting to give me a yes, that he’ll be willing to mentor me.”
“So, you’re going back to New York.” Jackie wanted to be happy for her, but she couldn’t fake it. It came out flat, and Payton noticed.
She sighed. “Yes. For the time being. I don’t know how this works. I’ve never had a mentor, but I imagine I won’t be getting paid. It’ll probably be a temporary thing. Maybe two or three months? Maybe six? I don’t know, but I don’t think I can pass it up. Not if this is what I want to do.”
Jackie nodded, the swishing in her ears drowning out the sounds of the ocean beside her. The sharp, metallic taste of blood appeared on her tongue, and as she swallowed it down, she realized she’d been biting the inside of her cheek as Payton spoke.
“I know this isn’t ideal,” Payton said, running a hand through
her hair. “The timing is shit. I want to stay here. I want to see what we might have, but I think I have to do this.”
“No. You should. I’m sorry,” Jackie said in a rush. “I’m uh...” She bit back the words that she wanted to say, because she’d made it clear all along that she was okay with this being casual. “I’m just surprised it’s happening so quickly. I mean, I’m happy for you. Sorry, that came out wrong.”
“I know. I think I might want to be a wedding photographer, and less than a month later I’m going to be working with one of the best,” Payton said with a half-smile. “It’s crazy. But I wouldn’t have even thought about doing any of this if it wasn’t for you. If you hadn’t invited me to Oliver and Alvaro’s wedding,” she said with a shrug. “Who knows what might have happened? I probably would have started a marketing agency, and I might have been miserable.”
But you probably would have started that agency here.
Jackie’s toes dug into the cool, wet sand. “You’re lucky. Not just with this opportunity. Not that many people figure out what they’re meant to do in life, especially not when they’re so young. You couldn’t possibly miss this chance.” She met Payton’s gaze, her own words sinking in. Payton was going back to New York, and Jackie knew that there was no way she could ask her to stay.
“I know.” Payton reached for her hand as they started to walk again, their fingers interlaced.
Jackie knew they had more to talk about. She didn’t think Payton would want to tie herself down to a long-distance relationship, and Jackie wasn’t going to make that mistake again, even with someone as amazing as Payton. It just wouldn’t work. The distance would be even greater this time. Flying to New York for a long weekend wasn’t nearly as doable as getting to London was.
No. This was nothing more than a holiday fling.
Chapter 18
Payton stood in front of Jackie’s door. She had no idea how long she’d been standing there, but she knew she didn’t want to go in. Well, she did. She wanted to see Jackie, but she didn’t want to say goodbye. Payton took a deep breath and lifted her hand, knocking firmly on the door.
She’d spent the day wandering around, trying to soak up the atmosphere, bottle it up, and bring it back to New York with her. It had taken her less than an hour to pack the few things she’d brought with her, and she couldn’t stop herself from constantly checking the time, counting down to seven o’clock when Jackie would be finishing her shift.
She’d been restless all day, struggling to concentrate, but she’d managed to book a flight for tomorrow at noon, from Malaga to Dublin and then on to JFK. It was hard to believe that this time tomorrow, she’d be sitting in the back of a taxi on her way to her apartment, thrown back in to winter and the hustle and bustle of city life.
The door opened, pulling Payton away from her thoughts. Jackie gave her a lopsided smile. “Hey.”
“Hi.”
Jackie held the door open, and Payton walked in, her stomach churning, a tingling sensation in her arms. The last time she was this uneasy was when she’d had to board a flight to London for her father’s funeral. This situation wasn’t even comparable, but her body didn’t know that.
“Can I get you something to drink?” Jackie asked. “Wine? Beer?”
“I better not.” Payton swallowed the lump in her throat. “With the flight and everything tomorrow.”
“Right. Water then?”
“Sure.”
Payton stood in the middle of Jackie’s living room, not sure what to do with herself. Jackie was back with two bottles of water, handing one of them to Payton.
“Will we sit outside?” Jackie asked, her voice shy almost, like she was dreading tonight as much as Payton was.
“Yeah.” Payton followed her outside, and they both took a seat. “I’m going to miss this.” She fiddled with the pale blue paper wrapped around the plastic bottle. “All of it. The weather, the beach, the people... You,” she finished with a sigh. She told herself she wasn’t going to get emotional tonight. They both knew what this was when they started it, and even though only a few short weeks had gone by, Payton felt like she was ending a very important chapter of her life.
“Me too.”
Payton dared herself to meet Jackie’s eyes. She looked sad, but not devastated with one leg casually crossed over the other, her eyes bright, not watery.
“What time’s your flight?”
“Noon.”
Jackie nodded.
This was the first time since they’d met that there was this awkward, prolonged silence. Everything Payton wanted to say was too emotional. Small talk seemed pointless. She didn’t want to talk about New York, because that was the reason they were here, struggling to find something to say.
Jackie cleared her throat. “I’m working tomorrow. Otherwise, I would have offered you a lift.”
“No. It’s fine. I already booked a taxi.” An airport goodbye would have been a disaster. That was something couples did. “But thank you. If you have any time off... You should come visit me. See New York in December,” Payton added with a weak smile.
The idea just popped into her head, but now that it was out there and her words hung in the air, she wasn’t sure what Jackie would think of that offer. Was Payton extending this casual relationship? Was it as friends? Payton didn’t even know. She’d just said it.
“I’ll have to talk to Oliver, but I’d like that,” Jackie said. “Tick another item off the bucket list.”
Payton bit her lip, blinking back tears again. She’d lost track of how many times that had happened today. “Well, just call me. I’m sure I can get a day or two off to show you around. Anyway, I should go. Got to pack and everything,” Payton heard herself say even though she’d everything organized already.
Payton stood on wobbly legs, and before she knew it, Jackie was wrapping her arms around her. Payton melted into her, her hand gripping Jackie’s shirt as she closed her eyes, breathing in that familiar coconut scented shampoo. She didn’t know how long they stood like that, neither of them ready to let go, but eventually Payton pulled away, swiping away a tear that was ready to trickle down her cheek.
“I know-”
“I wish-” Payton started talking at the same time as Jackie.
“Go ahead,” Jackie said with sad smile on her lips.
“I was just going to say that I wish I could enjoy tonight, but I can’t. I know that’s not how ‘casual’ goes, but I can’t separate the two tonight. I can’t stay.”
“I know. I feel the same.”
“What were you going to say?”
Jackie sighed, her hands on her hips. “Just that I know this is hard, but I think you’re doing the right thing. You probably already figured this out from what I told you about Megan, but... I can’t do long distance. Not again. I know you’re nothing like her and that this is different, but it’s too soon for me to be in a similar situation where we’re living these separate lives but then we’re together for a weekend here and there. I mean, I know we said this was a casual thing, but I’m just saying if it wasn’t... I really like you, Payton. I do. But I can’t even offer to try and see where this goes. Not when we’re going to be so far apart.”
Payton inhaled a shaky breath. That was somehow exactly what she wanted to hear, but at the same time, it was devastating. Jackie felt this too, and if Payton was staying, this was probably the start of something. But she wasn’t. She was leaving, and everything that Jackie had just said, she already knew. There was no point trying to keep this going when Jackie would be three thousand miles away.
“I’ll never forget these last few weeks,” Payton said as they went back inside. She’d managed to pull herself together again.
“If you ever find yourself back in Spain... I hope you’ll call me.”
Payton thought she heard Jackie’s voice crack, but she wasn’t certain. The thudding of her racing heart drowned out almost every other sound. “We’ll stay in touch,” Payton offered, knowing it sounde
d lame. Cliché even. But what else could she say?
Jackie walked her to the door, and before she had a chance to reach for the handle, Payton was cupping her cheek, pulling her in to a searing kiss. This was more than likely their last kiss, and Payton needed to make it memorable. Her hand slid to her neck, her forearms resting on Jackie’s shoulders as their lips parted, their tongues brushing across one another. Jackie’s hands were around her waist, their bodies pressed together as she backed them up against the closed door.
Payton moaned into the kiss as Jackie’s hand gripped her hip, her fingers dancing over the bare skin between her jeans and her top. That simple touch lit Payton’s body on fire, and if they didn’t stop now, they weren’t going to stop. It took every ounce of willpower in her body, but Payton gently pushed Jackie away, keeping her hand on her shoulder and putting a few inches between them, both of them breathing heavily.
“Sorry,” Jackie said, tucking her hair behind her ear, her cheeks flushed. “I got carried away.”
“No. It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have...” Payton’s voice trailed off. She would love to fall into bed with Jackie right now, but she couldn’t. She wouldn’t get on that flight tomorrow if she did. “I should go.”
Jackie took a step back and reached for the door, holding it open for her.
“Goodnight, Jackie.” Payton kissed her softly.
“Night.” Jackie’s eyes locked onto hers.
Payton tore her gaze away, crossing the hall and putting her key in the door, the click of Jackie’s door closing behind her as she went into her own apartment. She knew she wouldn’t sleep tonight, but there was nothing else to do. She got changed into cotton shorts and a tank top and slid under the covers, trying to keep the big picture in mind. This was going to be an amazing opportunity, and as hard as it was to leave Jackie behind, she had to.
Chapter 19
From May to December 5 Page 36