by Tijan
“You need a stance.” He patted the inside of my leg, and I jumped, feeling that touch shoot all the way to my chest. “You’re new to this. Stop fucking around this morning.”
I scowled. “I’m not fucking around.”
It’d been a long time since I’d fucked around.
I’d had a boyfriend when I was a junior in high school, the year my sister was taken. He’d been my escape until I decided to actually escape and start down the path that had brought me here.
“I used to have sex regularly.”
Raize went still. “What are you talking about?”
Oh boy. He didn’t like hearing that from me. That was his motherfucker voice. I hadn’t heard that tone since the motel room when he killed Bronski’s man.
Bronski. I couldn’t suppress my shudder.
I moved, putting my feet in some form of stance so I’d be comfortable for the kickback, but Raize was right. I was fucking around. “I have a list, you know,” I heard myself say.
He’d been reaching for my gun, but stilled once more. “A list?”
I took the gun from him and raised my arms.
“Wait.”
“Huh?”
He slid the gun’s magazine to me. “Load it. Press down, then slide it underneath.”
I did as he said. He pulled out some noise-canceling equipment and eye protective gear and shot me a frown. “You have a sex list?”
“What?”
He handed me the gear. “You said you used to have sex regularly, and then you said you had a list.”
“Oh!” Oh, gosh. That was kinda funny. I bit my lip, not understanding why I was in this mood this morning. “No. Sorry. I meant I have a list. Everyone who’s hurt me or someone I cared about, or done someone wrong—their name goes on it.”
Raize showed me the right way to hold the gun after I put the clip in it. He moved my finger to rest against the frame, moving my right thumb to lock over my left hand. “What’s the point of the list?” he asked.
“They’re people I’m going to destroy if I get the chance.”
His body froze as his eyes shifted to mine. “Where do you have this list?”
“It’s in my head.”
He stepped back, putting my shoulders in the right position. Then he stood behind me, and I could feel his breath against my face. “Am I on the list?”
“No. If you were, I wouldn’t be telling you about it.”
“Who’s on the list?”
My attention went back to the gun. “Am I good to shoot?”
“Keep your left hand on the gun. Don’t break your hold. Keep your stance. Be ready for the kickback. Shoot when you’re ready.”
I shot.
I didn’t need to go through the steps he’d just given me. I was always bracing for the worst in this life, and because of that, I didn’t move. Not an inch. I felt the kickback. It reverberated up my arm, my shoulders, my chest. I felt the wave of pressure slam against my face, but I was ready for it. I’d been around enough guns being shot.
But I had not been ready for the emotions that surged through me.
I’d gone over my line. I’d just shot a gun. I was a step closer to making that list a reality. Maybe that’s why I’d told Raize about it.
“Bronksi’s on the list,” I said softly.
His dark and penetrating eyes found mine. “We can make that happen.”
Yes. Right. I told him I wanted to kill a man, and he said “we can make that happen.” I was so far over the line now that I wondered why I’d ever drawn a line. It didn’t make sense. I couldn’t start on my list with that line being there.
“That last building, Oscar’s, it’s on the list, too,” I confessed, my voice quiet. “I want to blow it up.”
His eyes narrowed. I knew he was remembering my freak-out. “We can make that happen, too.”
A wave of emotion swept through me, and I braced myself. I didn’t know what I was feeling, but it was so much right now that I couldn’t move a muscle. Not. One. Muscle.
Raize’s hand went to my hip, and his fingers flexed there. “What’s going on in your head?”
I went back to remembering that boyfriend. “I was thinking about the sex I used to have. That was a long time ago.”
His fingers dug into my hip as he aligned behind me. I could feel him from my shoulder to my ass. He fit against me, almost perfectly.
He used to have sex regularly, too. I’d seen the women who left his room in the mornings. And his stint was a lot more recent than mine. Mine was years ago, probably three years ago. That would make me… “I should be in college.”
Raize tensed behind me. I could feel his breath.
“If I hadn’t decided, well, you know—another life, another world, and I’d be in college by now. Maybe a sophomore even.” But I wasn’t, and there was no point in dwelling on it. “You said you were going to destroy his operations. What are you going to do about the women?”
“That’s important to you?” His forehead went to my shoulder, barely touching me. I don’t think he realized.
My tongue felt heavy. I blinked a few times, and there was a wetness there I didn’t want. “It is.”
His voice got rough. “It have to do with why you started this life?”
Oh, damn. He went there.
This morning was just so weird.
“Yes,” I whispered.
“We can take them to a shelter, wear ski masks so they can’t identify us.”
My knees almost gave away. I had to release the gun, grabbing for the table so I didn’t fall.
Raize caught me, holding me in place with his front pressed against my back.
I could feel how long it’d been since he’d had sex. I don’t know if he meant for me to feel it, but I was. I remembered how it felt when my boyfriend used to slide inside of me. So damned good, so distracting.
A slight growl left him as his fingers dug in one more time before he peeled himself away from me. “Shoot some more. I want you to feel comfortable.”
Comfortable wasn’t how I’d put it, but I raised the gun, turned my mind off, and kept going until I’d emptied the clip. Then he refilled it, and I did it all over again.
We went to eat lunch after both of us had shot all of our weird emotions away—or that’s what I hoped I’d done.
17
Ash
There was a new awareness between Raize and me.
It was different. It was uncomfortable.
I almost wanted to spend time with Cavers to balance me out, bring me back to the way I’d been before. But when I really thought about that—nope. I shuddered.
Anyway, there was no coming back from where Raize and I had gone. I’d told him too much. I couldn’t backtrack if I tried.
The new awareness was just there.
And actually, that new awareness had been developing for a while now.
Maybe I needed a new distraction? I was progressing, working toward my list, but without my line, maybe I’d lost the old failsafes to keep myself checked? Like they were anchors for me or something, a way to not lose my soul. Was I trying to find a new anchor?
Was that what I was doing?
Because that’s what all of this was about. That was the real battle—keeping your soul. How far could you go, how much bad shit could you do, yet still keep your soul, no matter how much pain that entailed? Maybe I needed something else to counter all the pain I’d be feeling as I moved forward with my plans, because I would still have my soul.
Sex.
This was all about having sex. Me having sex with Raize, or me admitting I wouldn’t mind having sex with Raize.
That was wrong. Right?
Right.
Indulging, having sex with anyone—much less Raize—was wrong. Well, different life and I could have sex with a boyfriend. It would be healthy and normal and respectful. I’d never looked at sex as a bad thing or something to be ashamed about, so when that was taken from me—violated and warped and twiste
d into something my sister was probably forced to do—I promised myself I would find her “boyfriend,” I would find that guy’s boss, and then that guy’s boss, and I would murder all of them.
That had been the beginning of my list.
I watched Raize inside the gas station and wondered if his boss was on the list and neither of us knew it. Marakov. There was a family of Marakovs who ran the mafia we all worked underneath, but the way Abram had said that name, I wondered if Raize’s boss was different, either more special or more in charge or… I didn’t know.
I hoped Raize didn’t care about the guy, because I wanted to kill him.
I would kill him. I needed to make that correction.
My phone buzzed, and I grabbed it—Jake calling. “What’s up?”
He was quiet for a moment. “You sound weird. What’s changed?”
“I learned how to shoot a gun.”
“Ah. It’s liberating, isn’t it?”
That was one word for it. “I’m a bit more murderous now.”
He chuckled. “That happens, too, but you’re also spending a lot of time with the boss. He’d make me feel more murderous.”
“True. It’s a side effect.”
Another chuckle from him.
I didn’t know why he was laughing. This wasn’t a funny conversation.
He sighed. “What are you guys doing?”
I pulled the phone away, looked at it as if it had grown an alien head, and put it back to my ear. “Why are you asking me this?”
“Because aren’t you with the boss?”
“Yeah, but that’s for him to answer.”
“He’s not answering my calls or texts. What’s he doing?”
I looked up. He’d finished paying for our gas, and he was coming out, reading something on his phone.
“He’s reading your text now.”
Or he was reading someone’s texts. Maybe Abram got back to him? That would be fast. Raize had said Estrada would want to see Abram in person, but Raize had made Abram, Basil, whatever, share all of Oscar’s operations with him before he left. I hoped we’d start demolishing some of those buildings and networks today.
That’d require a bomb, and we hadn’t made one yet.
“Cavers is with me. We’re both waiting for his instructions.”
“I’ll pass the message.”
He chuckled.
I didn’t know why he chuckled. Again, this conversation wasn’t funny.
I’d moved past the wanting to laugh or share weird facts I’d had going on this morning—or maybe that was just with Raize? This was a lot of thinking. A rule I needed to adopt: stop thinking so much. Except when I was trying to survive, then I’d need to think.
Raize opened the driver’s side door. Thank God. I really needed to stop thinking.
I was getting a headache from so many conflicting thoughts and emotions all at once. I missed being numb.
Raize frowned, seeing something on my face. “What’s wrong?”
I hung up on Jake, sliding the phone back into my pocket. “That was Jake. They’re awake. You’re not responding to his calls or texts, and he and Cavers need to know what to do today.”
He continued to frown, still staring at me, but he hit a button and put the phone to his ear.
I tried to tune him out, but I couldn’t.
“Send Cavers to get ingredients to make a cake,” Raize told Jake. “You go with him, stay with him all day.” A pause. “We’ll need to make a few cakes.”
Cakes. Now I was snickering.
Raize put the phone away and I said, “That’s not very code-like of you.”
Cake was code for bomb. Everyone knew that.
He started the engine. “Cavers is extra dumb.”
True. “Jake’s not,” I told him.
He pulled out of the gas station and turned left. “I know.”
Ugh. I was kinda hoping to go back to denying certain things to myself. That made being here a lot easier. Right now I felt all sorts of restlessness. I was on edge, and I needed a release of some form.
Gah. No. Not that kind of release…or maybe?
I hoped not. I wasn’t ready for the kind of mental games I’d need to play with myself to be okay fucking Raize.
Why was I thinking like this again?
Maybe I should call Jake back. He seemed to distract me from these thoughts, from the other distraction I was obsessing about so I could be okay with what Raize was going to make me do this week—and I wasn’t talking about sex.
I cursed, shifting in my seat. “I need something.”
Raize glanced over. “What’s going on with you?”
“Me shooting a gun wakened shit in me that I was keeping dead.”
That made no sense, but Raize seemed to understand. “What do you need?”
I shook my head, frustrated. “I have no idea.” Or I didn’t want to admit what I needed.
I closed my eyes. God. I was going there. Raize was going there.
I’d have to brace myself for the self-hate I’d be piling on later.
“Drugs?”
“I hate drugs.”
Realizing I’d said that to a former drug dealer, I froze a second, but there was only a ghost of a smile on Raize’s face.
He nodded. “I don’t want your mind altered anyway, so drinking is out, too.”
Fuck.
I mean…well…that word. Fuck.
I closed my eyes, back to bracing because I didn’t know what was going to happen next.
Raize kept driving, but then I felt him reach for me. He yanked me over to his side. “Unbutton your jeans.”
Oh. Gawd.
I was flooded with need and was already wet, but this was embarrassing.
I didn’t move.
“Ash.”
Who…that was me. I’d given myself that name.
He was using it.
I didn’t want to think about why that helped me do this, but it did. He did. I lifted my hips, unbuttoning my jeans and pushing them down.
I was not looking at him though.
“Move your jeans farther.”
I did, hanging my head.
I could hear his voice growing rough, but he was still driving.
I felt his hand between my legs, and I hissed, jerking from the touch.
“Those gotta go down farther. I can’t do what I need to do where they are.”
Good.
Fuck.
Lord.
My whole face was heated by now, but I did as he said.
I peeked, I had to look, and relief flooded me when I saw he’d driven us out of the city again. He preferred the outskirts. After a few more moments he slowed the truck, turning onto an abandoned road and pulling to a stop behind some trees.
Then he was on me.
He pulled me down to lie under him. His eyes were on mine. “Do you want this?”
This. I knew what he was asking.
I had to admit this to myself. I couldn’t talk around it anymore, so I nodded. “Yes.” I made sure my voice was clear, articulate.
That’s all he needed, and his lips found mine. I gasped as his mouth opened over mine. I hadn’t expected this. I thought he’d finger me, bring me to a climax, and I’d be good for a while, but this was Raize. He was so thorough.
My mouth opened wider, and he groaned, pressing down over me, grinding up and into me.
I hissed, feeling him hit right where I needed him.
I was throbbing. Desire pulsated through me.
I was going to fuck my boss. That should be funny, right?
His mouth grew more demanding before he lifted his head to look at me. I was transfixed. I couldn’t look away or do anything except compel him to keep going.
His eyes were nearly black, and he shifted, raising himself enough to pull my underwear and jeans all the way down. He splayed my legs out, and as his head went to my chest, tasting me there, his finger moved up and inside of me.
I gasped, not ready, bu
t wanting more.
He gave me more.
Pulling out, pushing in. He kept going, going fast, almost too fast for me, but I grasped his shoulders. He was working me over, bringing me to a climax, and I could see him working on himself at the same time.
I bit my lip, watching him. That made me even hotter, even wetter.
I groaned, and he looked up. When he saw where I was watching, his finger slowed. A second slid in, and he went back to thrusting, but slower. He was dragging this out.
It was working—filling my brain with dopamine, the pleasure center, and it would help me settle myself for what else we’d be doing this week.
Fuck.
I’d probably need more of this.
I shifted my hips, urging him on, and I was writhing. I didn’t want to think.
I was thinking.
That wasn’t good.
There was an almost drunk need in me as I sat up, reaching for his cock. I replaced his hand with mine. When I felt my climax start, my lips parted and I let out a deep moan. My back arched because holy shit, that felt good.
So good.
I fell back, and he came on my hand, spilling over my legs. He reached up and caught my neck. He squeezed, turning my face to look at him. He didn’t speak, and I just panted, breathless from that climax. The waves were still wracking my body. His gaze moved over my face, my body, and then stayed on my lips.
He moved back to stroking his dick, sliding up and down. He was getting hard again.
I knew what was next.
Was I ready? Was that what I wanted?
If I said no, Raize wouldn’t do it. I knew him by now, knew he wasn’t like that. But then I felt his lips on my throat, my chest, lower... He moved between my breasts, and my word, that felt good.
But this was wrong. This guy, he was all wrong.
I shouldn’t be feeling any of this.
He epitomized the people who’d taken my sister. But even saying those words to myself, I couldn’t bring up the resistance I should’ve been feeling.
It was now or never.
This wasn’t about sex. This was about me moving forward toward being ready to kill. I couldn’t find or avenge my sister if I wasn’t ready to kill someone. I had to be honest with myself from now on.
I had to stop hiding.
Fucking Raize—I wanted to do that. I’d been wanting to for a while.