CANARY

by Tijan

  I was so tired. I felt like I could sleep for months, but I knew I’d never be rested. Not now.

  Not anymore.

  Too much killing. Too much bloodshed. Too much violence.

  There was a part of me that had always been like this, I think. Since I was a kid.

  I was so tired of it all.

  “Gus.” Jake snapped his fingers, whistling.

  I tightened my hold on my dog, but Raize came over and pried my fingers from Gus’ collar.

  Raize said something to me, frowning as Gus hopped off and trotted after Jake. They went into the car and Cavers followed. When I looked down, there was a whole bandage on my arm.

  When had that happened?

  I was on repeat, asking the same question to myself.

  Then Raize slid his arms under me and picked me up. He carried me to the front of the truck and put me inside. He locked my door before rounding the hood to get in behind the wheel.

  He seemed concerned about me, and I thought back to when I’d first started working for him.

  “I had a rule with myself, not to look at you,” I told him.

  “Why?”

  “Because I didn’t want you to kill me for it.” I started laughing, because that was funny.

  Worrying someone would kill you for looking at them.

  But it was true. That was the hilarity of it.

  Right?

  “I think I’m in shock again,” I added.

  He sighed. “Yeah.”

  I frowned, looking down at my lap. Movement caught my eye, and I realized we were driving. We had been driving. I was losing track of time.

  “I’m really sick of this life.”

  Raize didn’t answer.

  But as I turned toward the window, I could’ve sworn I heard him say, “Yeah.”

  27

  Ash

  I was on the floor, sitting outside my bedroom door. It was closed. I didn’t want to go in there, and it felt weird having these men being able to walk past, looking into where I slept. Not that they were all men. There were women, too. Police. Paramedics. Another lady was there, and she was dressed differently.

  Jesus. I shouldn’t be here.

  I should go downstairs, to where Brooke was. To where my dad wasn’t, but then again, that’s why they were here. That’s why that lady was here. We were underage. Both of us.

  Our dad was gone, no one could get ahold of him.

  I knew where he was, but it wouldn’t matter. He’d been living there every day this last year anyway. At Marco’s Bar. In the back corner, right up next to the jukebox. He liked being there. He made everyone who came over to pick out music, they had to talk to him. He was the song gate-keeper.

  I’d heard him laugh about it enough when he came home, stumbling into the walls, sometimes falling and sleeping wherever he lay. He reminded me of the Shameless dad, though that guy was funnier. Smarter, too.

  My dad was dumb.

  So was Brooke.

  So was I.

  If we hadn’t been, maybe we would’ve done something, but…

  The stretcher came up. They rolled it past me, taking it into her room.

  I saw the looks, knew what they were whispering about. They didn’t need to whisper.

  Yes. We’d all been so dumb.

  We hadn’t been watching enough.

  Then again, no one had been.

  I jerked awake and had no idea where I was.

  I freaked, to put it mildly.

  I lashed out, kicking and screaming until a body covered me. Two hands caught my wrists, and a light flicked on.

  For a moment, one heartbreaking moment, I thought I was somewhere else, a different age. I could hear her cooing to me.

  “Calm the fuck down, woman.”

  Woman. Not Girl.

  Not my name. Not a different name of a different girl.

  It was Raize.

  I sagged in relief. I’d registered it was Raize before he even spoke. I just couldn’t get my brain to communicate with my body. I blinked up at him, then turned my head to see Cavers standing in the doorway, his hand still on the light switch. Jake was behind him. Both were staring at me.

  Raize shot off of me, and I tried to ignore that he was only wearing sweatpants, and they dipped seriously low, deliciously low—and the guy was ripped. He had the whole penis-landing-strip muscles working there. Follow it down and…yeah.

  “Where are we?” I asked as I checked my clothing. I was in a tank top and underwear. Note to self: keep the blankets over my legs. I looked around and realized we were in what seemed like a nice hotel room. There was a loveseat in the corner. A dresser. A desk. A nice television.

  This was an actual hotel room.

  I saw the blanket on the floor by the loveseat.

  Raize raked a hand through his hair, his eyes tired, and went to the loveseat. He bent down, picked up the blanket, and stretched out. “Turn the lights off. Everyone go back to bed. I need at least one more hour of sleep before we hit the road.”

  Cavers gestured to my arm. “I’ll check your bandage later today.”

  I looked down. Right. Because I’d been shot.

  He’d bandaged me before.

  How long had I been sleeping?

  Cavers stepped back into their room, but Jake remained in the doorway.

  “You okay?” he asked me.

  Warmth flowed through me, but then I remembered his phone call to Carloni.

  “I’ll work her.”

  I shoved that warmth right out of my ass and said flatly, “I’m fine.”

  He frowned, but I rolled over, giving him my back as I pulled the blanket up.

  The light turned off, and the door closed a beat later.

  I thought I’d go back to sleep.

  Yeah.

  No.

  Everything that had happened was rolling through my mind on replay. Gus’ growls. Shooting the gun. I watched myself from above as I shot the gun and turned away, then steeled myself and kept shooting.

  Kept shooting.

  Kept shooting…

  I had killed two men.

  Two. Men.

  I’d been so foolish thinking I wouldn’t learn how to shoot, but I’d known that would happen once I did.

  I had told Raize about my list. I’d even told him who was on the list. Not all, but enough.

  God.

  I’d messed up. Royally messed up.

  “Do you need something?”

  He sounded so tired, but my God—was he offering sex?

  I growled, kicked off the blankets, and stalked to the bathroom. Or I assumed it was because there was nowhere else to go. I hit the counter, reached out to the right. Nothing. Was it a closet? A door? I turned on the sink by accident.

  Raize never made a sound. He never made a goddamn sound, but I could feel him moving behind me.

  He touched my hip, and a second later, the light turned on.

  The shower and the toilet were in their own freaking room. With its own door.

  I gritted my teeth as I moved past him. I started to shove the door closed but he caught it, his eyes stormy. “Do. You. Need. Something?” he asked again.

  Did I need something?

  My blood was starting to boil.

  My heart rate had picked up.

  I felt heat all over my body.

  Did I need something?

  I needed a life again.

  I needed my sister back.

  While I was at it, I’d like a mother back, too. A father would be nice.

  A normal childhood, while we’re asking for unrealistic favors here.

  Please and thank you with a goddamn cherry on top.

  Did I say any of that?

  I opened my mouth. I was about to, but then his eyes flashed and he shoved me into the smaller part of the bathroom. He closed and locked the door and his mouth was on me as his hands lifted me up.

  I’m thinking he understood me perfectly, right about now.

  My legs
wound around his waist, my arms around his back as we began a frenzy of losing our clothes.

  Then we were in the shower. He pressed me against the wall.

  I needed more. More of him. More of this feeling. More of everything, everywhere. Just, more.

  I gasped, raking my nails down his back, and he turned me, pressing my chest to the wall. He kicked my legs apart, angled me back, and sheathed himself inside.

  I groaned, my eyes closed, and savored the feel of him.

  He pushed in, all the way in, and held.

  I think he was savoring it, too, but then he began moving and my mind turned completely off.

  I wanted him to fuck me hard.

  I wanted it rough.

  I wanted it long.

  And when he was done, I wanted him to do it all over again. I wanted to escape, and judging by the way he gripped my hips, thrusting inside of me, I was pretty sure he needed this just as bad.

  Good. Fucking good.

  28

  Ash

  We never did blow up Oscar’s building.

  It was probably a silly notion to have, but I was pissed the next day as we piled into a rented minivan and headed out.

  We were now entering Arkansas. We weren’t flying because we were transporting guns. Guess that was a no-brainer. I did wonder if Raize had his other guys remain back in Texas or if they were ahead of us. I’d have to wait until we were alone, or… nope. Never mind. I didn’t want to know.

  I’d already shared too much with Raize. I felt in too deep, and it was uncomfortable—like there was something writhing around under my skin and I couldn’t get it out. Part of me didn’t want to get it out. With other bosses, I’d be thinking about the next guy I might be working for by now. But with Raize, I didn’t want that. That was the “too deep” part of this situation.

  It wasn’t good either.

  You can never rely on someone. I mean, big picture. If you’re in a shoot-out, you’re going to rely on the people shooting next to you, but that wasn’t this particular situation.

  I was thinking too much.

  I needed to stop.

  Other demons, other haunts tended to come out then.

  Gus moved his head, laying it on my lap, and I petted him as I looked over into the car next to us on the highway. A bunch of girls were in it, all laughing, all drinking from travel mugs. One wore a University of Arkansas shirt.

  Yeah…

  Another life. Another world.

  That wasn’t mine anymore.

  It never had been.

  I needed to get over it.

  29

  Ash

  Twenty-six hours later, we were in Philadelphia. We drove straight through, stopping for food and bathroom breaks and that was about it. Everyone took a turn driving, and everyone took a turn sleeping.

  Except Gus. Gus slept the entire time.

  Jake, Cavers, and I carried everything into Raize’s house once we arrived. The boss took off. I was figuring he had calls to make, calls that I definitely wanted nothing to do with. We were just about done. I had the last bag and I was taking it inside.

  Cavers was in the doorway. He was lingering there.

  That’s right, I remembered. He doesn’t stay here with us.

  Man. It felt like so long ago when we’d been here last, like a different life.

  So much had changed.

  Jake moved past Cavers up the stairs, Gus trailing behind him, his tail wagging.

  Jake went to the second floor, giving me a lingering look. Gus sniffed my hands, but I didn’t have any treats for him, so he went on up the stairs, too.

  Raize hadn’t come out of his office in the back. His bedroom was back there, too.

  Jesus.

  His bedroom. Where he used to party, with multiple women.

  My mouth dried. Was he going to go back to those habits? Would I be mad if he did? Raize never went long without a sex party, so I needed to figure out my viewpoint on that issue real quick.

  Fuck.

  My mouth dried.

  Yes. I’d be upset if he did.

  My body was getting heated.

  I’d be more than upset. I’d be pissed off.

  So hell no, he wasn’t going back to that.

  Well, then. I had an opinion.

  “I’m not standing here for any weird reason,” Cavers announced, pulling me out of my thoughts.

  I looked at him, surprised. Though supposedly working for Bronski, he hadn’t done a whole lot to work against us that I could see. He followed orders and he cooked. If he was reporting to Bronski on the downlow, Raize never shared that with me, and I had a feeling Raize would know.

  I frowned. “Why are you telling me that?”

  He shrugged. He was such a big man, but he’d never looked big and uncomfortable until today.

  “You waiting to talk to Raize?”

  His gaze moved past me to the end of the hallway. “I don’t know how long he’ll be back there.”

  That was a fact. We’d just gotten back, and we hadn’t accomplished what Raize had been sent to do. He could be in there all night, and all day tomorrow. Who knew?

  I made a decision. “I’ll tell him you want to talk to him.”

  His mouth quirked up before flattening.

  “What?” I asked.

  He shook his head, looking away. “Nothing.”

  “I saw that. You think I’m funny or something?”

  “Just, you got a little spunk to you now. You didn’t have that before.”

  Say what?

  But I knew what he was talking about, and my stomach flipped over. It wasn’t good to have anything in this life. Whatever you had, you could lose. Still, I kinda liked hearing that.

  “I’ll go tell him.”

  I was halfway down the hall when I heard him say quietly, “Thank you.”

  I glanced back and saw something shining in his eyes.

  That moved me, but I didn’t know what it was.

  I knocked at Raize’s office door and said, “It’s Ash.”

  Ash. Not me. A different girl’s name that I took.

  Sometimes I hated names. Sometimes I loved them, but I always wondered, what was their point?

  The door swung open. Raize’s hair was messed up more than usual, his face stark and haggard, but also striking. He’d changed into a gray Henley over jeans. “What?”

  I searched his face and jerked a thumb over my shoulder. His gaze followed. “He’s waiting to talk to you.”

  Raize nodded to Cavers. “Come on back.”

  I stepped away as Cavers lumbered past me. He glanced at me. “Thank you.”

  Emotion filled my chest. I dipped my chin down, stiffly, and moved past him. This was all getting so odd.

  I was on my way to my room when I heard a creak on the stairs.

  Jake had come down, Gus in tow, his tail swishing. He came over to bump my hand and fit his head underneath it.

  Jake’s eyes moved to Raize’s office. “You do that for him, but I feel like you want nothing to do with me.”

  Oh man.

  I knelt, petting Gus down his back.

  He wiggled, his tail thumping the floor in a steady staccato.

  I didn’t reply to Jake. Didn’t know what to say.

  “Did I change that or did he?” Jake asked.

  He. Raize.

  I didn’t look up, focusing instead on how cute Gus’ nose was twitching.

  “Right.” He sighed.

  I’d answered by not answering.

  Finally I looked up. “Don’t dwell on anything. Okay?” And then I lied. “Nothing’s changed.”

  He knew I was lying. I knew I was lying. I knew he knew I was lying.

  But I lied anyway, and then we heard it.

  Bang!

  30

  Ash

  We took off running, Jake crashed through the office door.

  Raize and Cavers were both on their feet, looking stunned at a gun on the floor.

  �
�What the hell?” Jake demanded.

  They looked over.

  Cavers was pale, and his hand came up in a helpless gesture. “I… Oh, shit.” His eyes moved to Raize. “Boss, I’m so sorry. The gun fell and I—what a fucking rookie mistake.” He slumped into the chair behind him. His hands caught his head, and he bent over. “Oh, fuck. Fuck. I’m going to die.”

  Raize’s gaze was stormy, and he watched Cavers like a hawk. His hands were fists, pressing into the top of his desk. Then his eyes closed, and he breathed in, his shoulders rolling back as if he’d come to a decision. He looked over at Jake and me. “We’re fine.”

  Cavers muttered to himself, shaking his head and rocking back and forth in the chair.

  “He dropped his gun, and it went off,” Raize said calmly.

  I stiffened.

  So did Jake, and then he launched himself at Cavers. He shoved him down to the floor. “What the fuck?! Are you insane?!”

  Cavers didn’t fight back. He just went to the ground and let Jake hit him.

  “He’s our fucking chance to live, you asshole! What are you doing, pulling that sort of shit?!”

  He hit him a few more times.

  I didn’t know what I was the most shocked about—that Cavers looked genuinely remorseful, that Jake was going crazy like this, or that Raize hadn’t killed him by now.

  The hairs on the back of my neck stood up, and I looked over at Raize. He was watching me, again, and that storm was there in his eyes. He let it show, right out in front. He drew in a breath, his eyes closing, and when he opened them, there was a haunted look there. Agony flashed over his face before he moved.

  One step, he grabbed Jake by the shoulders and launched him against the wall.

  “What the hell?!” Jake’s eyes bugged.

  Fuck. I had a feeling where this was going, and I shut the door, just in case.

  “He came clean with me. You? You’ve not done shit.” Raize held Jake against the wall.

  I noticed his shirt molded to his arms and back—his very defined arms and back. But Jake’s feet were barely touching the floor. In that moment, everyone realized what Raize was capable of.