by J. A. Owenby
A look of amusement flashed in his eyes. Cade threw his hands in the air, feigning surrender and laughing. I didn’t miss his focus drifting down my dark teal T-shirt, ogling my busty chest, though. This wasn’t anything new, and I simply ignored the fact that guys looked at my boobs all the time.
“Eyes,” I said, giving him a warning look.
“That’s my sister, dude,” Hendrix reminded him.
“Just looking, man. No offense meant, but they’re kind of out there and hard to miss,” Cade said, grinning.
“Hey dumbass, you gotta stop while you’re ahead,” John said, shaking his head.
“John’s right. Stop. Like right now, dude,” Hendrix warned and chucked a piece of toast at Cade.
“Oh crap,” Gemma said, ducking in her seat as Cade snatched my fork with eggs on it and flung it in Hendrix’s direction. Everyone at the table burst out laughing and a mild food fight began. I took Gemma’s cue and slid into my seat, but not before I saw her nudge Hendrix. Hard.
“Sorry,” he said to Gemma before he bounced a piece of cantaloupe off John’s ear. “Alright, we’d better knock it off, or they’ll kick us out of the restaurant.”
It didn’t stop the guys from getting Hendrix back before they all settled down.
I sat up and hid my grin with my hand. Franklin would be appalled at the situation, but for once it was nice having fun without anyone breathing down our necks.
The next few days passed by in a big blur. The band practiced on the bus during the day and performed at night. Even though I was having the time of my life while visiting new places, hanging out with the band after performances, and partying all night, I was exhausted. Dark circles had settled in under Gemma’s blue eyes, too. At least I wasn’t the only one. Some days I felt older than my twenty-two years, and just because I was hyper didn’t mean I wasn’t tired.
Brandon also continued to haunt my dreams, and I’d had two more nightmares. Each time, Cade reached his hand down and motioned for me to come up to his bunk. Hell, we were almost in a routine. I’d yelp myself awake, and he’d be there within seconds. The next morning he’d nudge me awake, and I’d slip back into my own bed. We never talked about it, either. Until tonight.
“If I weren’t desperate to sleep, this wouldn’t be worth it,” I whispered.
Once again, Cade lay on his back and waited for me to catapult over him. I threw my leg over his muscled, exposed stomach and settled in next to him, rolling over on my side.
“Why do you make me crawl over you?” I muttered, trying not to be irritated with him since I’d woken him up, too. “Why don’t you scoot over?”
He rubbed his face and peered at me. His sleep filled amber gaze held mine for a second.
“A few reasons,” he said, his voice deep and husky. “If someone opens the curtain, they’ll see me first. Second, I can’t protect you as well if you’re on the outside of the bed.”
“Protect me?” I asked, yawning. “From what?”
“Anything, but if Brandon were released from prison, at least the son of a bitch would have to go through me first. I’ve done what I could to keep you safe.”
My eyes widened. It’s not that I hadn’t considered Brandon might be released, but I was more concerned about his father and the other society members. But none of that information was public knowledge, and I couldn’t share it with Cade.
“Thank you. But Pierce is here.”
“I know, but even with him nearby, it isn’t enough to stop your bad dreams.”
“I’m sorry. I know I keep you up at night.”
“Don’t worry about it. I’m used to being up at all hours anyway.”
Where was this coming from? Why did he even care? I was Hendrix’s sister and nothing else. He didn’t have to be kind to me. Not to mention the Cade I saw at night was completely different than the one everyone else knew.
“Cade, I don’t get you. You’re a total player, but when it comes down to it, you’ve been right next to me when I needed you.” Heat traveled across my cheeks at my own directness.
“What can I say? I’m a complex kinda guy.” He flashed me a lazy smile.
“Yes you are.” I paused, collecting my next words as carefully as possible. “Why all the girls?”
Cade didn’t miss a beat. “Why not? No strings attached, no commitments, and I’ll probably never see them again.”
“That’s appealing?” I propped up on my elbow and stared at him. For some odd reason, I suddenly wanted to know what made Cade tick. Maybe he was a good distraction from my own hell.
“Yeah. Things at home suck and being on tour is a lot of work. It’s nice to blow off steam and not worry about it.”
“What’s going on at home?” I frowned. I’d been so absorbed in my own crap, I’d never considered what Cade or John’s life outside the band was like. Even when we were younger, they’d always come to our place. I’d never even met their parents.
Cade rolled over on his side and stared at me.
“Hendrix never said anything?”
“About what?” I asked, picking at the hangnail on my thumb.
“That’s cool he didn’t,” Cade said softly.
“It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me,” I offered. I didn’t want anything to be awkward between us. We were friends and bunk buddies, and honestly, as long as we were on the road, I needed his support.
“I almost had to leave the band,” he started.
“What? Why? From what I can tell, you and John love it as much as Hendrix does.”
“We do, but things at home are complicated. Sometimes it makes it difficult for me to leave.”
“You still live at home?” I asked.
“Yeah, but not because I want too. My mom … she’s autistic.”
“Oh wow, like how bad?” I sat up. He had my full attention. I had no idea he had so much to deal with.
“She’s what’s considered high functioning, so she can handle some stuff on her own, but not taking care of my little sister in the way she needs to. And like with any other person in the world, Mom has good and bad days. On the rough ones, she rocks a lot or gets hyper-focused on whatever it is at the moment. She’s great with Missy’s schedule, breakfast, school, and daily routines, but most thirteen-year-old kids get sick of eating the same thing every day. Hell, I don’t even want to eat the same food every day.”
“So you take care of both of them?” I asked, compassion filling my tone. “What did you do when you were young? Who took care of you? Where was your dad?” I rattled off in rapid succession.
“Dad split when I was little, and my grandma lived with us until she passed away a few months ago. Since Mom wasn’t able to work, we grew up on the system, but it kept a roof over our head, food on the table, and Missy and I were safe. Grandma attended parent teacher conferences, shopped for school clothes, and assumed full responsibility for us. I was closer to her than my real mom.” His voice trailed off as a flicker of grief flashed in his eyes.
“I’m so sorry you lost your grandma.” I resisted the urge to hug his pain away.
Cade nodded and ran his hand over his short dark hair.
“Me too. I miss her every day, but I have to step up as man of the house now. If I don’t, Missy can’t live with Mom anymore. I can’t stand to put her in the foster system when I’m capable of taking care of her. Besides, with the money coming in from playing, I can easily support everyone.”
“How are you able to tour then? Don’t you worry about Missy and your mom at home alone?”
“I do worry about them, but Franklin actually helped me find a trained nurse and caregiver to be with them while I’m on the road. He also checks on them a few times a week and lets me know how they’re doing. I had some real reservations about leaving them with someone I didn’t know, but Franklin’s help has made a big difference for all of us.”
“Wow, I had no idea. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to deal with. I mean, autism can be really unpredicta
ble. But if she’s on the spectrum at least she can have some normalcy maybe, but it makes it super tough on you.”
Cade’s eyes narrowed. “I don’t need your pity, Mac. I’m just telling you why I like to play hard,” he said, his words clipped with anger.
I shook my head. Dammit, I’d really tried not to stick my foot in my mouth this time.
“It’s not pity, Cade. Yeah, I’m sorry you’re in the situation, but you could choose to not give a fuck, too. Instead, you stepped up and did the right thing. Your family is together because of you. That’s a big deal.”
An awkward pause hung in the air.
“Somedays, I don’t want to go back at all,” he confessed as he lay back on his pillow and stared at the ceiling. “Then the guilt fucks with me. I can’t do it to Mom or Missy. The only reason I don’t feel like a total fuckwad playing music is because I pay all the bills, which includes Mom’s medical treatment.”
“Cade,” I said, reaching for his hand without thinking. “I’m pretty sure anyone would feel like that. Hell, I would. I can barely keep my own life together, much less a family.”
He turned his head and held my gaze as sadness flickered across his expression.
“You’re stronger than you think, Mac.” He squeezed my hand and smiled gently. “We should get some sleep.”
“Okay.” I slipped beneath the blankets Cade had set aside for me. We each had our own now, so he didn’t have to freeze on top of the covers at night when I was there with him.
I turned on my side and faced away from him, my heart aching with what he’d shared. For the first time since I’d met Cade, I saw him as more than a man whore. Why hadn’t I seen this other side of him before?
“Mac?” Cade’s voice pulled me from my thoughts.
“Yeah?”
“Can we keep this conversation between us?”
“Yeah. Thanks for trusting me.”
And with that, I drifted off to a peaceful sleep.
Cade’s confession concerning his family cemented itself inside my thoughts the next day. I wanted to talk to Gemma about it, but I couldn’t. No one could know we were hanging out together in his bed, either. Besides, it would put Gemma in a terrible position. I’d have to swear her to secrecy, and I’m not sure she could really keep a secret from Hendrix. Honestly, I’d feel bad even asking.
We’d reached Vegas, and as much as there was to do, I was antsy. So far, I’d attended all of the on-stage rehearsals and helped when anyone needed me, but today my mood had taken a downward spiral from all the activity and people constantly around. I needed some space, and a Xanax ... or two. I wasn’t dealing well with being under Pierce’s constant microscope, either. I had to jet, even if it was for only a few minutes.
Overcome with the need to not be watched every time I scratched my ass, I left all reasoning behind and slipped out of rehearsal, making a beeline for the front door of the auditorium. The bright Vegas sunlight blinded me as I stepped outside. Since it was summer, the sidewalks were packed with tourists, so I hugged the inside of the sidewalk near the grass as I looked for a place to hang out. A minute later, my attention landed on a park that didn’t seem overly busy. If I weren’t desperate for some alone time, the heat would have sent me right back inside.
I set off down the street on my own. Hendrix would be pissed I’d not told him and taken Pierce with me, but we’d been cramped up together for too damned long. I loved all of them, but I felt as though I was about to suffocate. Besides, the temperature was sweltering and too hot to stay out long. I’d be back before they even missed me.
After a lot of maneuvering through the crowd, I reached my destination. There were people at the park, but not a ton. I could work with it. I scanned the green grass and palm trees as I walked toward a vacant picnic bench. A light breeze kicked up, and I sat down. Alone at last. Well, sort of. I laid my forehead on the cool cement tabletop and took a deep breath.
“I’m behind you,” a deep voice broke the silence.
My head snapped up, and I whirled around.
“Dammit, Pierce, you scared me.”
“I didn’t mean to, but I wanted you to know I was here. I saw you leave.”
“Fuck. I just wanted a few minutes without anyone hovering over me.” My lip jutted out into a full-on pout.
“I won’t bother you,” he replied, scanning our surroundings.
“It’s fine, you’re here now, and at least Hendrix won’t jump all over me for leaving by myself.”
Pierce turned his attention to me, but I couldn’t tell what he was thinking behind his dark sunglasses. He’d opted for a beige polo shirt and jean shorts, fitting in with the rest of the tourists.
“You’re not sleeping well,” he stated matter of factly.
“Shit.” I slapped my hands over my face, and my knee bounced up and down. “You’ve heard me?”
“Yes, but I know you and Cade don’t want anyone to know you’re sleeping in his bed. It’s not my job to report your behavior unless you’re in danger. I just wanted you to know that I’ve heard you. You’re safe Mac. I won’t let anything happen to you while I’m around.”
I squinted against the sun and peeked at him through one eye.
“Really? You won’t say anything to Gemma or Hendrix? I know you and Gemma are close.”
I wasn’t positive, but I thought Pierce flinched at my mention of his relationship with Gemma.
“No. It’s no one’s business.”
“Thank you,” I muttered. “It does help to know you and Cade are there for me. Believe it or not, the dreams are worse at home.”
“I’m not surprised. You’re dealing with a lot. Have you opened up to your therapist yet?”
My eyebrow shot up. “You know I have a therapist?”
“Yes.”
He didn’t elaborate, but at this point, I had to suspect Pierce knew a lot about our personal life but had opted to keep his mouth closed. I could only hope Calvin would learn to do the same.
“You can sit down, Pierce. You look a little out of place standing next to me, ready to pounce like a hungry lion.”
Without a word, he sat down at the picnic table. A moment of silence passed, then he cleared his throat.
“Franklin is worried about you,” Pierce said.
“I realize that, but I don’t know what else to do. I get out of bed every day even though I’m exhausted. My moods swing from depression to super anxious, then I think I’m alright. I saw what happened to Gemma and how she lived her life when she first arrived in Spokane. She was terrified of her own shadow. I don’t want to live like that, too. But I think I see him all the time. Brandon, I mean. Logically, I know he’s behind bars for kidnapping me …” I released a heavy sigh and tapped my fingers against the concrete table top.
“I can teach you along with Gemma.”
“How? I mean, you’re on tour with them. I’ll be at home when you guys travel most of the time.”
“I can work with you when we’re on the road and have someone take care of you at home.”
I hesitated. “Not Calvin.”
“No, I’d send someone I’ve trained with personally.”
I paused for a second and watched a family settle in at another table. A small cry escaped the stroller, and who I assumed was the father, picked up the toddler while the mom rifled through a diaper bag.
Would I ever have that? Love? A family? Vacations together? With my history, I’d never trust someone at this rate.
“Alright. I’ll do it. I’ll do almost anything at this point to feel better.”
“Good. It’s more difficult to set a routine when we’re on the road, but we have some time coming up in the next few days.”
“Let me know.”
“Mac?” Pierce asked, removing his sunglasses and making eye contact with me.
Dammit, this was serious. He never took off his sunglasses during the day unless he meant business.
“Yeah?”
“Does anyone else kn
ow?”
My stomach sank to my toes. Was he asking what I thought he was? I’d been so careful.
“What are you talking about?” I had to play this off.
“The drugs.” He didn’t even flinch.
“It’s not a big deal, Pierce. It’s just some edibles for nights I can’t sleep.”
“And?”
His focus never left me while I racked my mind for a good lie, but there wasn’t one. Somehow, he’d found out I had more than edibles. He knew my stash also contained uppers and downers in my bag. I’d only taken a few on days I was exhausted after not getting any sleep or to counteract the downers. It was the only time I got any relief. Each time I closed my eyes, the constant images of the night with Brandon antagonized me.
“It’s not every day. How can you tell, anyway? I don’t think anyone else has any idea.”
“Unfortunately, I know what to look for. Even someone really good at concealing a habit can’t hide it from me.”
“It’s not a habit,” I barked. I stood up, my anxiety hiking up a notch. “How dare you! It’s none of your business.”
Pierce stood with me. “Mac, calm down. I’m not getting onto you. I’m genuinely concerned. I’ve seen drug use like this spiral out of control very quickly. You’re Franklin’s daughter and Gemma’s best friend. I’ve grown to see you all as more than a job. We’re friends. Please … take a seat. Talk to me.”
“I can’t, Pierce. I can’t talk about it. I can’t tell anyone what Brandon did to me or about the pills. I’ll be fine. I’m exhausted, and when I’m awake, my focus is shit. The Adderall actually helps me. I wouldn’t even say it gives me much of a pick me up.” I sighed and sank back down onto the bench.
“How long?”
“Would it help you to know it’s all prescribed by my therapist?”
“No.”
“Why? She gave me a prescription for Xanax and Adderall. In fact, the Adderall is the only thing that helps with my ADHD. I’m not even taking them like she wants me to.”
“And there’s the problem. You’re using them to hide from what you’re feeling, not to help you stabilize. Taking them as uppers to stay awake then Xanax to sleep, it’s a problem. There’s a difference, and I’m more concerned about your intent and dependency than anything else. Then there’s the fact you hide it from everyone.”