Healed by His Secret Baby

by Louisa Heaton

  * * *

  Cole had not thought for one moment that he would end up kissing Lane that day. He’d intended to give her a fun day out, to take away some of the sadness that she would be feeling at not having her best friend to celebrate with as usual. The most he’d thought would happen was that he would get to know her a little more and deepen their friendship.

  Had he ruined everything?

  The crushing wave of guilt that flowed through him once again was familiar. He’d been out with women since his wife’s death—just once or twice, when he’d felt he couldn’t bear another night in alone—but he’d never done this. Kissed a woman as if he meant it. Kissed her as if he wouldn’t be able to breathe unless he did so. Kissed her because he couldn’t stop himself.

  What they’d had between them would now be changed.

  This desire...this yearning he had felt for Lane had slowly been building. He’d tried his best to ignore it, but sometimes you just couldn’t fight something like that. It was primal. It was...life.

  ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to...’

  His words trailed off as he stared into her eyes. Her face. Her lips were still parted from their kiss and all he could think of right now was how perfect they had felt. How soft. How good it had felt to kiss her.

  ‘No. It’s all right. It was just...the heat of the moment.’

  She didn’t sound as if she believed herself one bit. Was she trying to let him off the hook?

  ‘We need to keep things professional between us. It...er...’ he swallowed hard, unable to stop thinking about that kiss ‘...won’t happen again.’

  She nodded. ‘Right. No, you’re right. It’s complicated, isn’t it?’

  Complicated didn’t adequately explain it.

  ‘Yes, it is. So...what do you fancy doing next?’ he asked.

  He felt bad for trying to change the subject when something so monumental as he and Lane kissing passionately had just happened. It felt cowardly, and that caused even more guilt to come crushing down upon him. He couldn’t bear it, so he randomly walked over to a stall and handed over a five-pound note to have a go on whatever that stall was.

  It turned out to be a firing range, where little plastic guns were chained to the counter. He loaded the gun with tiny yellow plastic balls. Apparently he had to knock down a trio of dented cans. He aimed and got the first one off with a single shot, but missed all the others. He stared at the cans, at their dented exterior after a thousand hits, and wondered if his soul looked the same?

  Happiness always ended in tragedy.

  What had he been doing to let his feelings emerge like that? Lane was his daughter’s godmother! Her legal guardian. If he screwed this up, she could walk away and he’d not be able to do a damned thing about it! Well...

  He was meant to be getting to know his daughter—not falling for the woman who was her guardian. Not to mention the fact that they were work colleagues! In a tiny practice! If he ruined this the repercussions could be mighty—not just for him and his future with his daughter, but for his patients, too!

  He’d messed with fire and this was the burn. Yes, he’d be lying if he said he hadn’t thought about how convenient it would be if they did get together—but what if that was all this was and he was mistaking convenience and the promise of a ready-made family for real attraction?

  Cole hadn’t won anything at the stall, but he wasn’t ready to turn away from it and see Lane’s face.

  What was she thinking? Did she feel rejected? She’d seemed to agree with him that the kiss had been a bad idea...but hadn’t she kissed him back? She’d pressed herself against him. She’d run her fingers through his hair and it had felt so good! Were they the actions of a woman who didn’t want to be kissed?

  Or perhaps she’d been feeling like him? Had just got carried away in the moment and forgotten what really mattered just for a moment of madness? Or maybe she was the one playing him to get a ready-made family?

  He turned from the stall and looked at her. Her hair was getting damp from the thin drizzle that was falling and she had no hood on her coat. ‘Let’s get you a brolly,’ he said.

  ‘It’s fine.’

  ‘No, it’s not. I think I saw some in that gift shop.’

  He bought her an umbrella, and because she was so much shorter than he was it gave him a good reason to walk apart from her, so that he didn’t get poked in the shoulders by the spikes.

  Whatever closeness they’d previously had, it now felt precarious. It was as if there was a wall between them. He knew that the wall was of his own making. But he needed it. That wall had kept him safe since Andrea’s death, and right now he needed to reinforce it. To make it clear that Lane couldn’t broach it. Look at what had happened the last time he had overstepped it.

  Even if the memory of their kiss and how she had made him feel did make him want to rip that wall down brick by brick and cross the line once again...

  * * *

  ‘Have you two had a falling out?’ asked Mary, the receptionist.

  Lane had been standing at Reception, just passing the time whilst she waited for her next patient to arrive, when Cole had walked up, passed over some swabs to be sent to Pathology, and then walked away without saying a word.

  She had been hyper-aware of him being there. Knew exactly that it had been his surgery door that had opened, his footsteps she’d heard approaching and had breathed in his cologne as he’d stood by her side to hand the swabs to Mary to put in the collection box.

  She’d tensed when he’d stood next to her, even though she’d not meant to. But her birthday had ended so awkwardly, and he’d driven her home practically in silence, only making occasional comments on the rain or the traffic and then saying a hurried, ‘Thank you for today,’ when he’d dropped her off at her house.

  She’d never before needed a hug from Tori so badly! Needed just to hold her and squeeze her tight and talk to her as if she were Skye.

  ‘I made a huge mistake today. I kissed him. I kissed your father. And it was breathtaking and amazing and the whole world stopped turning for just a moment.’

  She’d paused then, imagining Skye asking the question, ‘And then what happened?’

  And then nothing had happened. She’d seen his shutters come down so quickly, and although it had been raining and cold all day, that had been the first time she’d felt a chill. The fun had gone out of the day and they’d both quickly agreed that maybe it was time to go home?

  At the start of the day she’d imagined arriving home and thanking him with a big smile and a peck on the cheek, saying, See you Monday! as she skipped from the car. But nothing could have been further from the truth. And now she didn’t know how to be around him.

  ‘No. Not really,’ she said now.

  Mary smiled. ‘Not really? That means you’ve at least had words of some kind. You can tell me; I won’t tell anyone else.’

  Lane smiled at Mary’s persistence. ‘He took me out for my birthday and it didn’t go very well, that’s all.’

  ‘Oh...’ Mary seemed thoughtful. ‘How so?’

  ‘It was raining and cold and just not the fun day we’d envisaged.’

  ‘But surely then you’d be commiserating with each other? You froze faster than if you’d been dipped in liquid nitrogen when he came up beside you.’ Mary tapped her finger against her bottom lip. ‘Something else happened...’

  ‘Nothing happened.’

  ‘You sure of that?’

  She smiled. ‘Absolutely.’ And then she felt a welling of relief as she saw her patient arrive for his free NHS Health Check. ‘Mr Jammeh! Would you like to come down?’

  As she escorted her patient down the corridor Mary leaned over the reception counter and called after her, ‘I’ll find out!’

  Lane shook her head. She liked Mary. She was like the practice’s mother hen, looking after all
her chicks.

  She opened her door and escorted her patient in.

  * * *

  At the end of the day Lane was just finishing off the last few things she had to do. She’d cleaned and wiped down her room, and now she needed to go into each doctor’s room and make sure it had a good supply of blood and urine bottles, that the sharps bins weren’t in need of being changed, and to check the bed curtain to see if it needed changing. Shelby, the practice HCA, had left her a check list, which was helpful, and she assumed that as it was late, the doctors all should have left by now to do home visits.

  She switched off her computer and checked Dr Summer’s room first. It was fine, and all she needed to do was make sure the examination bed had a fresh blue paper cover after wiping it down. After that she did Dr Green’s room, knowing in her head that she was deliberately leaving Cole’s room till last. Dr Green needed a new box of disposable tourniquets and some new needles.

  She checked the nurse’s room, to make sure the fridges were locked and secure and all the temperatures recorded in the file. Then she cleaned down the sluice, all the time listening for sounds from outside.

  She couldn’t hear anybody. No printer running off prescriptions, no typing, no doctor recording notes into a voice recorder.

  He had to have gone, right?

  With trepidation, she went to Cole’s room. The door was shut and she pressed her ear to the wood for just a moment, resting her face against its cool, smooth surface, her eyes closed as she fought to remove the memory of that kiss.

  Suddenly the door was pulled open and she almost fell straight into his arms.

  ‘Whoa! You okay?’ He dropped his briefcase to catch her, his hands holding tight onto her upper arms.

  Blushing madly, she stepped back, freeing herself, straightening her tunic. ‘Sorry! I was just about to come in, but I thought I heard you moving around inside and figured you were still working.’

  She was babbling, because she didn’t know what else to do. She couldn’t make eye contact; she didn’t feel brave enough for that just yet. They’d not really spoken to each other properly since that kiss, and now he was just standing there, staring at her as if in expectation, so she had to fill the silence.

  ‘I didn’t want to interrupt, so if you’ve still got stuff to do I’ll just go—’

  ‘Lane, it’s fine. I’m just leaving.’ He sounded disappointed.

  Her cheeks felt like the surface of the sun. Did he think she’d been eavesdropping? Did he think she’d been afraid to come in?

  ‘Oh, okay. I need to check your sharps bin and...um...anything else you might need...’

  He nodded, picking up his briefcase. ‘I think I’m out of green needles. Maybe some vacutainers.’

  She nodded, heading over to his sharps bin to check it.

  This way he can only see my back and not my face, because my face is hotter than it’s ever been!

  ‘Is it still okay for me to come over tonight to see Tori?’

  The bin did need changing. She clamped down the opening so that it clicked into place. She’d forgotten they’d made a standing arrangement for Cole to come round each evening to see his daughter before bedtime...

  Suddenly she had an image in her head of Cole tucking her into bed, leaning over to kiss her goodnight and...

  Oh, dear God, think of something else!

  ‘Yes.’ She nodded rapidly. ‘That’s fine. As agreed.’

  She turned to face him then, feeling that a smile was needed, but she couldn’t meet his eyes. That would just be too much. Especially when she thought of how he’d rejected her after the ghost train.

  She should have trusted her first instincts regarding Cole. He didn’t want her! He was simply there for Tori! She had been a slight distraction for him—a blip—and she guessed he might be feeling guilty because of his wife, because how could she possibly compare with the love of his life?

  Men never wanted her. Her dad had left her behind. Simon had wanted to control her.

  Perhaps Cole had said the kiss was a mistake because he thought that if he got involved with Lane, it might somehow jeopardise his chances of spending time with Tori? That if he and she got together and then had a falling out...

  Wow, I really know how to let my mind run away with itself.

  Lane decided the quicker she acknowledged the fact that Cole was just there for Tori and not her, the better.

  ‘I should be home about six,’ she said.

  ‘Seven okay? That gives me time to grab a bite to eat.’

  ‘Seven is perfect.’ She tried to smile again, but it faded rapidly as he walked away without saying another word.

  What had she done? Ruining everything by kissing Cole? She must have been running a fever, or she must be a mad, mad fool, because this was just atrocious! He was never going to back away from his daughter and she’d better get used him spending time with Tori.

  Oh, God! Lane was confused. He had kissed her. Passionately! They’d both been attracted to each other. She had felt the tension in the air, and she’d thought they’d both become lost in the moment, but...

  She got Cole a new sharps bin from the storeroom and attached it to his wall, deciding there and then that when she saw Cole this evening she would put him straight as much as she could.

  He had to know that anything emotional she showed was real. That she’d just got caught up in the moment of what had been a difficult day.

  He had to know.

  He had to.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  TORI WOULDN’T EAT her dinner, much to Lane’s dismay. She’d wanted her fed before Cole turned up, but today, it seemed, Tori thought that food was just for throwing onto the floor.

  ‘Tori, no! Don’t do that!’ She scooped up some sweet potato mash from the floor and then washed her hands beneath the tap before returning to try and get a few spoonsful into her goddaughter. ‘Open up—that’s it...that’s it... No! Tori!’

  Tori kept turning away from the spoon, clamping her mouth shut, and Lane was beginning to get really frustrated. Why was she being like this? Normally Tori was brilliant at eating. She loved her food—couldn’t get enough of it! But today...

  ‘You don’t want to eat today? Well, you do realise that you’ll probably wake up in the night hungry?’

  She used a wet wipe to mop up Tori’s face and podgy little hands and wrists, then lifted her from the high chair and put her down on her play mat whilst she cleaned up a bit and wiped down the high chair.

  She could feel her frustration building, already predicting a long night ahead when she’d get no sleep because Tori would cry endlessly. And she didn’t want to start feeding her at night again, otherwise she’d think it was a new ritual and wake for milk every night.

  ‘Just when I thought I’d got a handle on this mothering lark...’ She leaned against the sink and closed her eyes. She’d worked so hard just lately. Trying to be the best mother Tori could have because she didn’t have a real one...

  A knock at the door broke her reverie.

  Cole.

  A sigh escaped her, and she dried her hands on a tea towel and went to answer the door. She pulled it open, expecting to see an uncertain, uncomfortable-looking Cole standing there, and that they would suffer a long couple of hours enduring each other’s company, but she realised he was looking at her curiously.

  ‘What? What is it now, Cole?’ she asked angrily, already feeling close to tears. ‘Because, quite simply, I’ve had a difficult couple of days and—’

  He bit his bottom lip and managed an embarrassed smile. ‘You have something on your cheek and your...erm...’ he pointed at her chest ‘...shirt.’

  She reached to her face and at the same time she looked down. Sweet potato. Heat flooded her cheeks in embarrassment and right there and then she felt she really would cry.

  She bit h
er lip in a bid to stop the tears coming, but she couldn’t stop the torrent that had clearly decided that now was the perfect time to humiliate her further. She burst into tears, and the fact that she’d been trying to hold them back so hard meant she gave a hiccupping sob and could do nothing but cover her face in shame.

  He must have come in, closed the door, because suddenly he was holding her, comforting her, and she sobbed into his chest, wetting his shirt, trying to cry an apology. But he just shushed her gently and held her until her sobbing had subsided to just a few sniffs and hiccups of breath.

  She didn’t know how long they stood there like there like that, but what she did know was that she wished she could stay there for ever. But she couldn’t, could she? Because he didn’t want her.

  She pushed away from him, wiping her eyes, hating to break the contact but knowing they ought to check on Tori. ‘Sorry. I’m so sorry. I don’t where that came from.’

  ‘It’s okay. Let me make you a cup of tea.’

  She waved him away. ‘No, it’s all right—I can do it. I just need to check on Tori.’

  ‘You check on Tori. I’ll make us both a cup of tea.’

  She nodded assent and led him into the kitchen, where he crouched down to say hello to Tori, then busied himself opening cupboards and the fridge to find everything he needed to make them both a drink.

  With a steaming mug of peppermint tea beside her on the table, she glanced at Cole uncertainly and found him staring at her.

  ‘Penny for them?’ He raised an eyebrow and smiled gently. No judgement. Just friendship.

  She hated the fact that she’d allowed a distance to build between them. He was a good man, no matter what had happened between them. Yes, he was here for Tori, but maybe he wanted to be her friend, too?

  ‘It got a little too much for me tonight, that’s all.’

  He nodded. ‘I get it. I mean, sweet potato is a tricky beast...’