Gargantua and Pantagruel

by François Rabelais

  Yes, certainly. And that is what my good Master Pantagruel has done throughout his lands of Utopia and Dipsody. It has worked so well and his lands have so prospered that people cannot consume all of the wine! Unless reinforcements of drinkers and jolly good wits come to help them, they will be obliged to tip their wines over the soil.

  So since I want to satisfy the curiosity of all good companions, I have leafed through all the archives of the heavens, calculated all the quadratures of the moon, broached everything which has ever been thought by all the astrophiles, hypernephalists, anemophylakoi, uranopetes and ombrophores, and discussed it all with Empedocles (who commends himself to your kind attention).3

  I have then edited it all in a few chapters right down to the World-without-end-Amen, assuring you that I say no more than what I think, and think no more than what is: and that, in all truth, is what you are now about to read.

  Anything said over and above that will be sifted this way and that through my coarse riddle and perhaps may happen or perhaps may not.4

  I do warn you of one thing, however: if you fail to believe it all, you are doing me a bad turn for which you will be punished here or hereafter!5

  So now, my little lads, wipe your noses, adjust your glasses, and weigh well these words.

  On the Governor and Lord of this Year

  CHAPTER 1

  No matter what you are told by those idiotic astrologers of Louvain, Nuremberg, Tübingen and Lyons, you must never believe that there will ever be any other Governor of the entire world this year but God the Creator, who rules and directs all things through his holy Word, by whom all things consist in their nature, peculiarities and condition, and without whose preservation and control all things would in a moment be reduced to nothing, just as from nothing they were brought into being. For as Monsignor Saint Paul, that Trumpeter of the Gospel, says (Romans II) all being, all goodness, all life and movement come from Him, exist in Him and are perfected through Him.6

  And so the Governor of this year and all others will be (according to our veridical formulation) Almighty God; and neither Saturn, nor Mars, nor Jupiter, nor any other planet, nor, most definitely, any angels, saints, men or devils will have any virtue, efficacy, power or influence whatsoever, unless God of His good pleasure grant it to them. As Avicenna puts it, secondary causes have absolutely no influence or activity without the influence of the First Cause.7

  On this year’s Eclipse8

  CHAPTER 2

  This year there will be an eclipse of the Moon on the fourth day of August.9 Saturn will be retrograde; Venus, direct; Mercury, variable. And a mass of other planets will not proceed as they used to.10 As a result, crabs this year will walk sideways, rope-makers work backwards, stools end up on benches, and pillows be found at the foot of the bed;11 many men’s bollocks will hang down for lack of a game-bag;12 the belly will go in front and the bum be the first to sit down; nobody will find the bean in their Twelfth Night cake; not one ace will turn up in a flush; the dice will never do what you want, however much you may flatter them;13 and the beasts will talk in sundry places. Quarêmeprenant14 will win his lawsuit; one half of the world will dress up in disguises to fool the other:15 never was there seen such disorder within Nature. And this year will produce more than twenty-seven irregular verbs unless Priscian holds them on a tight rein.

  If God does not help us we shall have a lot to put up with! On the other hand, if He is for us, nothing can harm us. As was said (in Romans 8) by that celestial Astrologer who was caught up to the heavens: ‘If God is for us, who can be against us?’16

  On this year’s maladies

  CHAPTER 3

  This year, the blind will see very little; the deaf will be very hard of hearing; the dumb will hardly speak; the rich will keep themselves somewhat better than the poor, and the healthy than the sick. Many sheep, oxen, pigs, geese, pullets and ducks will die, whilst among monkeys and dromedaries the mortality will be less cruel. Old age will prove incurable this year because of the years gone by. Sufferers from pleurisy will have great pains in their sides;17 those who suffer from a runny belly will frequently go to the jakes; this year catarrhs will flow down from the brain to the lower limbs;18 and there will all but universally reign an illness most horrible, redoubtable, malignant, perverse, frightening and nasty which will so confuse everybody that they will never know what wood to use for their arrows, and will often madly write treatises in which they argue about the philosopher’s stone;19 Averroës (in Book Seven of the Colliget) calls it Shortage of cash.

  And on account of last year’s comet and the retrogradation of Saturn, a big beggar will die in the hospice all snotty and covered with scabs.20

  Of Fruits and good things growing in the Soil

  CHAPTER 4

  I find that, by the calculations of Albumasar in his book On the Great Conjunction and elsewhere, that this will be a fine and fertile year, producing plenty of good things for those who have the means. But hops in Picardy will be somewhat fearful of the frost; oats will be very good for horses but there will be scarcely more bacon than there are pigs to produce it; it will be a good year for snails, because Pisces is in the ascendant. Mercury is bullying the parsley a bit, notwithstanding which it will remain reasonably priced.21 Never shall you see more corn, wine, fruit and vegetables – provided that the wishes of the poor be heard.

  On the state of various people

  CHAPTER 5

  The greatest madness in the world is to think that there are stars and comets for kings, popes and great noblemen rather than for the poor and the needy, as though fresh ones had been created since the times of the Flood or of Romulus or Pharamond, when kings were newly invented. Neither Triboullet nor Cailhette,22 albeit folk of deep learning and high renown, would ever say that. And in Noah’s Ark Triboullet might perhaps have had the same ancestors as the kings of Castille, and Cailhette be of the blood of Priam. But that entire blunder proceeds only from a lack of true Catholic faith. Holding therefore for certain that the heavenly bodies care as little about kings as beggars or about the rich as vagabonds, I will leave it to those other foolish prognosticators to talk of the kings and the rich whilst I shall talk of the condition of folk of low estate.

  First, of folk under Saturn: such as those who lack money, the jealous, the mad, the evil-thinkers, the suspicious, the mole-catchers, usurers, mortgagers of other men’s incomes, cobblers and the melancholy.23

  This year they will not get everything they would really like; they will devote themselves to the invention on the Holy Cross,24 will certainly not cast their bacon to the dogs, yet they will often scratch themselves where they ne’er did itch.

  Under Jupiter: such as bigots, black-beetles, indulgence-mongers, Vatican copy-clerks, drawers-up of papal bulls, apostolic dataries, pettifoggers, monks, hermits, hypocrites, purring pussies, paper-scribblers, parchment-scrabblers, notaries and fat-cats.25

  They will live according to their incomes. And so many churchmen will die that there will be no one to confer benefices upon with the result that several clerics will hold two, three, four or even more.26

  Under Mars: such as hangmen, murderers, soldiers, brigands, Serjeants, bum-bailiffs, men of the Watch, garrison-men, teeth-pullers, bollock-cutters, cheap jack physicians publicly shamed in the streets, blasphemers, tinder-match makers, fire-raisers, chimney-sweeps, train-bands, coal-merchants, alchemists and pinch-pennies.27

  This year they will strike some fine blows, but some will be most likely to receive a few surprise blows themselves. One of the aforesaid will become a ‘bishop-on-a-gibbet’ – blessing with his feet such as pass by!

  Under the Sun: such as trussers-up of hay, porters,28 beggars from hospices, penny-labourers, rag-and-bone men, de-greasers of bonnets, pannier-stuffers, ragged fellows, teeth-chatterers, snatch-bacons, and in general all those men who wear shirts knotted behind their backs.

  They will be healthy and happy, with no inflammation of the gums when at a wedding-feast.

&nb
sp; Under Venus: such as whores, bawds, debauchees, procurers, lechers, chambermaids in hostelries, women in professions terminating in – aids, such as barmaids, laundry-maids and second-hand-clothes-maids.29

  They will be well esteemed this year; but, when the Sun enters Cancer and other signs of the Zodiac they should watch out for the pox, cankers, hot-pisses, pimples on the groin, and so on. Nuns will find it very difficult to conceive without the ministrations of a male, and hardly any virgins will lactate.30

  Under Mercury: such as diddlers, cheats, deceivers, quack-chemists, thieves, millers, hangers-about, Masters of Arts, decretists, poetasters, jugglers, thimbleriggers, spell-binders, fiddlers, wafer-mongers, poets, scoriators of the Latin language and scourges of the sea.31

  They will often pretend to be happier than they are, occasionally laughing when they have no desire to do so, and will be very liable to go bankrupt if they find less money in their purses than they need.

  Under the Moon: such as colporters, lunatics, madmen, scatter-brains, hare-brains, harum-scarums, swindlers, messenger-boys, valets, glass-blowers, Italian mercenaries.32

  They will have hardly any respite this year. Nevertheless not so many Switzers will go to Santiago compared with 1524.33

  A great crowd of pilgrims to Mont-Saint-Michel will come down from the mountains of Savoy and the Auvergne, but Sagittarius threatens them with blisters on their heels.

  On the Condition of certain Countries

  CHAPTER 6

  The noble Kingdom of France will so prosper and excel in all things pleasant and delightful that, this year, foreign students will readily be drawn back there – little feasts, little parties and hundreds of frolics will take place during which each will enjoy himself. Never were there seen wines more plentiful and delicious, nor so many turnips about Limoges; so many chestnuts in Périgord and Dauphiné; so many olives in Languedoc,34 so many fish in the sea; so many stars in the heavens; so much salt in Brouage; with an abundance of grain, vegetables, fruit, garden crops, butter and dairy produce.

  No plague; no war; no foe; pooh to poverty; pooh to melancholy. And those old double-ducats, rose-nobles, angel-crowns and long-fleeced Agnus-Dei35 will be back in circulation, together with an abundance of Byzantine seraphs and sun-crowns. All the same, towards the height of summer there will be good reason to fear an attack of black fleas and of mosquitoes from La Deviniere – for indeed, Nothing is in all parts happy36 – but they will have to be restrained by collations after vespers.

  Italy, Romagna, Naples and Sicily will remain where they were last year. Towards the end of Lent they will dream deep dreams, and will occasionally go mad at the noon of the day.

  Germany, Switzerland, Saxony, Strasbourg, etc. will do well unless things go wrong; indulgence-pedlars should fear them; and not many anniversary Masses will be founded there this year.

  Spain, Castile, Portugal and Aragon will be subject to sudden thirsts and both young and old will have a strong fear of dying; and yet they will keep themselves warm, and if they have any money often count it.37

  Austria, Hungary and Turkey: in truth, my good fellows, I have no idea how they will fare, and I care very little about it in the light of the plucky entrance of the Sun into Capricorn. If you know more about it, utter not a word, but wait for the coming of the Halting One.

  Finis

  *

  APPENDIX: THE AUGMENTED TEXT OF 1535 ONWARDS

  [To avoid excessively long footnotes devoted to the additions to the end of the original Pantagrueline Prognostication, the long variant made before the penultimate paragraph together with the four additional chapters are given here.]

  ADDITION MADE IN 1535 BEFORE THE PENULTIMATE PARAGRAPH

  England, Scotland and the Hanseatic League will be pretty bad Pantagruelists: wine, provided it were good and flavoursome, would be as healthy for them as beer, but whatever is served at table they have to wait for it till dessert. Saint Trinian of Scotland will do a few more miracles but will not see a jot more clearly because of all the candles brought to him unless Aries trips over the clover and is of its horn forlorn.

  Muscovites, Indians, Persians and Troglodytes will often pass bloody stools since (because of the course of Sagittarius, which is the ascendant) they do not want to be diddled by the churchmen of Rome.

  This year Bohemians, Jews and Egyptians will not be brought to the fulfilment of their desires. Venus is bitterly threatening them with scrofula, but they will yield to the will of the king of the Butterflies.

  Slimy-snails, Sarabovines, Incubi and Cannibals will be severely troubled by gad-flies, and only few will play at make-a-manikin and clash their cymbals if gaiac is not in demand.

  CHAPTERS ADDED IN 1535 AT THE END OF THE ORIGINAL TEXT

  Of the four seasons of the year. And firstly, of Spring

  CHAPTER 7

  All this year there will be but one moon and she will not be a new one; you lot are greatly saddened by that, you who do not believe at all in God and persecute both his sacred, holy Word and those who uphold it. But go to hang. Never will there be any other moon than the one which God created in the beginning of the world and which was established in the firmament by the action of the said holy Word to lighten and guide mankind by night. I do not want to imply by God that she does not display to the earth and to those who dwell thereon a waning or waxing of her brightness as she approaches or draws away from the Sun. For why? Well, because, etc.38

  Apropos: you will find in this season half as many flowers again as in the other three. And that man will be reputed no fool who, throughout this year, provides himself with money rather than spiders. The wild men and their guides in the mountains of Savoy, Dauphiné and the Hyperboreans (which enjoy perpetual snow) will be frustrated in this season and have no snow whatsoever (according to the opinion of Avicenna that spring arrives when the snow deserts the mountains).

  Trust this reporter.39

  Of Summer

  CHAPTER 8

  I do not know what the weather will be or what wind will be blowing,40 but this I do know: that it will be hot and dominated by winds from the sea. Should it turn out otherwise you must not curse God for it since he is wiser than we are and knows what we need far better than we do ourselves. I assure you of that upon my honour, despite what is said by Haly and his faction. It will be a fine thing to stay happy and – despite those who say that nothing is more inimical to thirst – to drink your wine cool. Moreover, Opposites cure opposites.41

  Of Autumn

  CHAPTER 9

  The vendange will take place during, before or after the autumn: it is all one to me provided that we have plenty of plonk. Thinkers will be in season, for a man may be thinking of farting when in fact he will be gaily messing himself.42

  Hypocrites, black-beetles and pedlars of pardons, perpetual Masses and other such trinkets will come forth from their dens: let all who will watch out for them. Watch out too for the fish-bones when eating your poisson: and from poison may God ever guard you!

  Of Winter

  CHAPTER 10

  According to my modest intellect those who sell their furs and skins in winter in order to buy wood will not be wise. The Ancients, as Avenzoar testifies, did no such thing. Do not grow melancholy if it rains: you will have that much less dust on the road. Keep yourselves warm. Beware of catarrhs. Drink of the best, whilst waiting for Satan to amend. And from henceforth do stop shitting your bed.43

  PREFACES TO ALMANACS FOR 1533 AND 1535

  ALMANAC FOR 1533, CALCULATED ON THE MERIDIAN OF THE NOBLE CITY OF LYONS AND THE LATITUDE OF FRANCE.

  COMPOSED BY ME, FRANÇOIS RABELAIS, DOCTOR OF MEDICINE, PROFESSOR OF ASTROLOGY, ETC.

  [As physicians still do, Rabelais, a Bachelor of Medicine, calls himself Doctor. He was genuinely versed in the domains of astrology and astronomy. This almanac deals with the year 1533, during which the state of the heavens was deeply worrying. There were fourteen conjunctions between the Moon and Saturn, and twelve between the Moon and Ma
rs. Rabelais puts the governance of the world into the reassuring context of God’s almighty power.

  The theme of the hidden ‘privy council’ of God is developed further in the Third Book by the good theologian Hippothadée. To hope to know God’s privy counsel is absurd, except insofar as he vouchsafes to reveal it.

  The abbreviation ‘etc.’ appears twice in the text: both are attributable to he Roy who is interested in the theology but not in the astrological data of a year long passed.

  The biblical texts alluded to include (in order) Tobit 12:7 and 11; Psalms 20:12; Acts 1:7 and Proverbs 25:27.

  Antoine Le Roy’s transcription of the subtitle reads The disposition of this present year 1553. That is a manifest lapsus for 1533 and is corrected. His transcription is our only source for this text and the following Almanac for 1535.]

  The disposition of this present year, 1533

  Because I find the prognostic and judicial part of astrology to be condemned by all learned men, as much on account of the nullity of those who have treated it as for the annual disappointing of their promises, I shall for the present dispense with telling you what I have discovered from the calculations of Claudius Ptolemy and others, etc. I venture to say (having considered the frequent conjunctions of the Moon with Mars and Saturn, etc.) that during the said year, in the month of May, there cannot but occur a remarkable mutation in both realms and religions contrived by the accord of Mercury with Saturn, etc.