Gargantua and Pantagruel

by François Rabelais

  Having finished her speech, she addressed her words to her officers and merely said, ‘Tabachins: to Panacea!’

  At those words the Tabachins told us we must excuse the queen for not having us dine with her, since she never ate anything for dinner but a few categories, jecabots, eminims, dimions, abstractions, harborins, chelimins, second intentions, caradoth, antitheses, metempsychoses and transcendent pro-lepsies.

  We were then taken into a little room, scattered all over with alarms. How we were treated then, Lord only knows. It is said that Jupiter, on the diphthera (the tanned hide of the nanny-goat which suckled him in Candy) which he used as a shield when battling against the Titans (which is why it is surnamed Eginchus) writes down everything that happens in the world: well, eighteen goat-skins would not suffice – by my faith, Friends and Drinkers! – to inscribe all the good viands they served up to us, all the side-dishes and the good cheer we were treated to, not even if it were written in such tiny letters as in that Iliad of Homer which Cicero claims to have seen: so small that you could cover it with a walnut-shell. On my part, even if I had a hundred tongues, a hundred mouths and a voice of iron, together with the mellifluous linguistic plenitude of Plato I could never, in four volumes, expound to you one-third of the twenty-fourth part of a goldsmith’s prime-weight of it. Pantagruel said to me, moreover, that in his opinion the dame, by saying to her Tabachins To Panacea, was giving them the watchword which was the symbol amongst them for good cheer, just as Lucullus said In Apollo when, though caught unprepared, he wanted to provide a very special feast for his friends. Cicero and Hortensius occasionally did the same.

  How the queen passed her time after dinner

  CHAPTER 20

  [A variation on the theme of the Fountain of Youth

  The ‘pox of Rouen’ was proverbial.

  The ‘Tenesian axe’ figures in an adage of Erasmus (I, IX, XXIX, ‘The two-headed axe’). It represents hurried, harsh or summary justice.

  The dances (mainly already found in Athenaeus, Dipnosophists, 147) are not given in the manuscript.

  ‘Art’, as often, probably means the Art of Medicine.

  The ‘malady of Saint Francis’ is poverty.]

  Once the dinner was quite finished, we were led by a Chachanin into the Hall of that dame and witnessed how after her meal she, together with the ladies and princes of her Court, would sift her time, passing it, sieving it and dredging it through a big and beautiful strainer of blue and white silk. We then realized that they were reviving antiquity, dancing together:

  the Cordax,

  the Calabrism,

  the Emellia,

  the Molossian,

  the Sicinnis,

  the Cenophorum,

  the Iambics,

  the Mongas,

  the Persian,

  the Thelmastry,

  the Phrygian,

  the Floralia,

  the Nicatism,

  the Pyrrhic,

  the Thracian

  and hundreds of other dances.

  Afterwards we visited the palace at her command and saw things so novel, wonderful and exotic that I am still caught away in the spirit whenever I think of it. Yet nothing amazed us more than the doings of the noblemen of the household – the Abstractors, Parazones, Nebidins, Spodizators and so on – who told us frankly and without any dissimulation how it was that their Lady the queen alone healed the incurables and did the impossible, while they her officers merely did all the rest and cured the others. There I saw a young Parazon heal syphilitics of the very finest pox (the pox, you might say, of Rouen) merely by touching their dentiform vertebra three times with a splinter from a wooden clog.

  I saw another perfectly healing sufferers from various types of dropsy – tympanies, ascites and hyposarcides – by striking them nine times on their bellies with a Tenesian axe without any solution of continuity.

  One cured all fevers within the hour merely by hanging a fox’s tail from the sufferers’ belts on the left side; one cured toothache merely by laving the root of the aching tooth with elderberry vinegar and then letting it dry in the sun for half-an-hour; another cured all species of gout, both hot and cold, as well as the natural and sequential, merely by making the sufferers shut their mouths and open their eyes.

  Another one I saw curing nine fine noblemen of the malady of Saint Francis by relieving them of all their debts and suspending a string from their necks: from it there hung a little box crammed full with six thousand Sun-crowns.

  Another cast houses out of windows by some mirific device, so leaving them cleansed of malaria.

  Another cured all three forms of hectic fever (the atrophying, the consumptive and the wasting) without baths, Stabian milk, depilatories, pitch-dressings or any other medication, merely by turning his patients into monks for three months. He assured me that if they didn’t fatten up in the monastic state they never would, either by nature or by Art. Another I saw accompanied by a great number of women arranged in two groups: one group was formed of young maidens, appetizing, tender, blonde and gracious little things, all well disposed, it seemed, to me; the other, of old, toothless, bleary-eyed, wrinkled, sun-blackened, corpse-like old women.

  Then Pantagruel was told that he would remould those old women by his Art, making them youthful again like the young maidens there present whom he had remoulded that very day, restoring them to the same beauty, form, elegance, size and disposition of their limbs as they had had when they had been fifteen or sixteen, except only for their heels, which remained much shorter than in their first flush of youth (which explains why they are thenceforth very subject to readily falling backwards whenever they come across a man).

  The band of old women were devoutly waiting for the next baking and urgently pressing for it, protesting that it is not tolerable in nature that a well-disposed bum should lack beauty.

  That Parazon was in continuous demand for the practice of his Art, and his profits were more than mediocre. Pantagruel asked whether he could recast old men likewise and make them young. The reply was ‘No, but the way for men to grow young is to live together with a re-cast woman, for then they catch that fifth kind of syphilis, that hair-drop, called ophiasis in Greek, which makes them slough off their hair and skin as snakes do annually: their youth is then renewed in them as it is in the Arabian phoenix.16

  That is the true fountain of youth. There he who was old and decrepit immediately becomes young, nimble and well disposed in body, as Euripides tells of Iolaus; as happened to the handsome Phaon (so beloved by Sappho through the bounty of Venus); to Tithonus, through Aurora; to Aeson, by Medea’s art; and likewise to Jason, who (according to the testimony of Pherecides and Simonides) was given back his youth by her and a fresh colour; as Aeschylus says happened to the nurse-maids of our good Bacchus (and their husbands too).

  How the officers of Quintessence worked in a variety of ways, and how the dame appointed us retainers in her retinue with the rank of Abstractors

  CHAPTER 21

  [Proverbial fun, then playing with alchemy.

  The proverbs from the first draw heavily on Erasmus. Some of the French ones are already known to readers of Rabelais. For Erasmus see in his Adages: I, IV, L, ‘You are whitening an Ethiopian’; I, III, L, ‘To yoke foxes’; I, IV, LI, ‘To plough the shore’; I, IV, XLVIII, ‘You are washing a brick (or tile)’; I, IV, LXXV, ‘You want water from a pumice-stone’; I, IV, LXXIX, ‘Wool from an ass’; I, IV, LXXX, ‘You are shearing an ass’; ‘I, III, LI, ‘To milk a he-goat (or a buck)’; I, IV, LX, ‘To draw water in a sieve’; III, III, XXXIX, ‘To wash an ass’s head in nitron’; II, I, LIX, ‘To pound water in a mortar’; I, IV, LXIII, ‘You are trying to catch winds in nets’; I, IV, LV, ‘To cleave fire’; I, III, LII, ‘About an ass’s shadow’; I, III, LIV, ‘To dispute about smoke’; I, III, LIII, ‘About goat’s wool’.

  One adage cited in the text is found in the Gospel but is not listed in Erasmus. It can be found but in the Adages of Adrian Junius (Basle, 1558):
‘E spinis uvas colligere’ (To gather grapes from thorns and figs from thistles).

  Socrates was praised by Cicero for bringing philosophy down to earth, but mocked by Aristophanes in The Clouds for playing with fleas.]

  Afterwards I saw a great number of her aforesaid officers, who were whitening Aethiopians in quite a short time simply by scratching their bellies with the bottom of a basket.

  Others had yoked together three pairs of foxes and were ploughing up the sandy shore without wasting their seeds.

  Others were washing tiles, making them lose colour.

  Others were extracting water from that porous lava you call pumice-stone, giving it a lengthy stir with a pestle in a marble mortar and so transmuting its substance.

  Others sheared asses, finding very good woollen fleeces on them.

  Others gathered grapes from thorns, and figs from thistles.

  Others were milking billygoats into sieves, which proved very economical.

  Others scrubbed the heads of their asses yet wasted no soap.

  Others hunted winds with nets and caught decuman crayfish in them. I saw one Spodizator who was ingeniously getting farts out of a dead donkey and selling some of them at five-pence per ell.

  Others were putrefying sechaboths. A fine dish it made! But Panurge got violently sick on seeing an Archasdarpanin putrefying a great vatful of human urine by means of horse-dung and a mass of Christian shit. Ugh! Nasty fellow! He, however, retorted that he gave that holy distillation to kings and great princes to drink, by which means he lengthened their lives by a good yard or two.

  Others were breaking chidlings across their knees.

  Others skinned eels from the tail-end, and they did not scream before they were skinned as do eels from Melun.

  Others made great somethings out of nothing, and to that nothing made somethings return.

  Others cut fire with a knife and drew up water in a net.

  Others made lanterns from bladders, and bronze pots out of clouds. 17 We also saw a dozen others holding a banquet beneath a bower; they drank four sorts of wine, cool and delicious, out of fair and ample bowls, drinking to all with all their might: we were told that they were improving the weather in the local way, and that, in days gone by, Hercules too had thus improved the weather together with Atlas.

  Others were making virtue out of necessity, and it seemed to me very fine and relevant work. They did alchemy on their teeth, producing little to fill their close-stools.18

  Others were carefully measuring the hopping of fleas along a flat strip of ground; and they assured me that their activity was more than necessary to the governing of kingdoms, the conducting of wars and the administration of states, citing the example of Socrates, who (having been the first to bring philosophy down from the heavens and to make it useful and profitable instead of lazy and inquisitive) employed one half of his time in measuring the hops of fleas, as the quintessential Aristophanes attests.

  I saw a pair of Giborins – giants – standing apart as sentinels on a high tower: we were told that they were guarding the moon from the wolves. I met four more of them in a corner of a garden, bitterly disputing and ready to tear out each other’s hair. On asking what their quarrel arose from, I was told that four days had gone by since they had begun a dispute over three deep, metaphysical propositions. They had promised themselves mountains of gold once they had resolved them. The first concerned the shadow cast by a well-hung ass; the second, the smoke of a lantern; the third, goat’s hair: i.e., is it wool?

  They went on to tell us how it did not seem odd to them that there could be two contradictory assertions which were both true in mode, form, figure and time. The Sophists of Paris would rather be de-christened than confess it.

  We were attentively watching the wondrous acts of those people when their dame appeared with her entourage of nobles (Hesperus was already shining bright.)

  Upon her arrival our senses were again troubled and our eyes were dazzled. She at once noticed our awe and said to us:

  ‘What makes human thoughts lose their way within the abysses of wonder is not the supremacy of actions (which they realize to derive from natural causes through the industry of skilled artificers), it is the novelty of the experience entering their senses, since they do not perceive how easy the activity is when serene judgement is allied to scrupulous study. So keep your mind awake and rid yourself of any fear which could seize you when you contemplate what is done before your eyes by my artificers. Of your own free-will see, hear and contemplate everything which my household contains, gradually emancipating yourself from the slavery of ignorance. The matter accords well with my own will, of which I give you knowledge unfeigned (out of consideration for the studious desires of which you seem to me to have provided sufficient proof and a joyful abundance in your minds). I now retain you in the state and office of my Abstractors. As you leave this place, you will be formally enrolled by Geber, my Prime Tabachin.’

  Without uttering a word, we humbly thanked her, accepting the offer of the fine position she was conferring on us.

  How the queen was served at supper, and of her manner of eating

  CHAPTER 22

  [The jest about the ‘pâtéts in pie-crusts’ leaves editors perplexed: perhaps it is partly a veiled account of alchemical sublimation.]

  The dame, having finished her discourse, turned round to her noblemen and said:

  ‘The orifice of the stomach (that ambassador for the common victualling of all our limbs, both major and minor) importunes us to restore to limbs, by the distribution of appropriate foods, what has been taken from them through the continuous action of natural heat upon basic humours.19 It will be your fault alone, O Spodizators, Cesenins, Nemains and Perazons, if our trestle-tables are not promptly set up and abounding in every kind of restoratives. And you my noble Food-Tasters together with my noble Chewer: the proof that I have been given of your industry, interlaced with care and diligence, means that I cannot order you to be attentive to duty and to be ever on your guard. I merely remind you to go on as before.’

  Once those words were said, she withdrew for a while with some of her ladies; we were told that it was to have a bath, which was as customary amongst the Ancients as washing our hands before a meal is to us. The trestles were promptly set up and decked with very precious table-cloths. The service was so ordered that the dame ate nothing but ambrosia and drank nothing but heavenly nectar, whilst the lords and ladies of her household were served as we were with all sorts of dishes, as rich and rare and appetizing as any that Apicius ever dreamt up. At dessert there was brought in a ragoût made up of many varied meats, in case hunger had not declared a truce. The serving-platter was of such dimensions and capacity that the golden plane-tree which Pythius Bithinus gave to King Darius would scarce have covered it. That ragoût was replete with pot-loads of various stews, salads, fricassées, casseroles, goat-meat potages, meats (roasted, boiled and grilled), huge steaks of salted beef, fine old-style hams, deific preserved meats, pastries, pies, a whole world of couscous prepared in the Moorish style, cheeses, junkets, jellies and every kind of fruit. All of which seemed good and appetizing to me, but, being full and replete, I never tasted any. I should warn you, though, that I saw some pates in pie-crusts – something quite rare – and those pâtés in pie-crusts were pates potted. At the bottom of that ragoût I espied a great many dice, playing-cards, tarot-packs, spillikin-slips, chessmen and draughts, together with a goblet full of Sun-crowns for any who wished to play.

  Finally, right at the bottom, I noticed a number of mules wearing fine caparisons with velvet covers; hackneys (for both men and women to ride), dressed in similar trappings, and litters – I don’t know how many – similarly lined with velvet and a few Ferrara-style coaches for those who might enjoy themselves out-of-doors.

  That did not seem odd to me, but what did seem novel was the dame’s way of eating. She masticated nothing: not that she did not have good strong teeth nor that her foods did not require mast
ication, but such was her manner and custom. Her foods, after the Tasters had assayed them, were taken over by her Chewers and nobly masticated for her, their throats being lined with crimson satin containing streaks of gold and gold-braid, whilst their teeth were of beautiful white ivory: with such help, once they had masticated her food to a turn, they poured it directly into her stomach through a funnel of fine gold.

  For the same reason, she never had a stool except by procuration.

  How a joyful ball was staged under the form of a tournament in the presence of Quintessence

  CHAPTER 23

  [Games of chess in the form of a ballet, all influenced by The Dream of Polifilo of Colonna. The author of the chess chapters tells his tale with a disconcerting mixture of past and present tenses (changing tenses within quite short sentences). He is not followed slavishly here.

  This and the following chapter are not in the manuscript.]

  Once that supper was over, a ball was staged in that dame’s presence. It took the form of a knightly tournament which was worth not merely watching but being for ever remembered.

  To begin with the floor of the Hall was covered with an ample piece of velvet carpet made in the form of a chess-board, that is with squares, half of which were white and the others yellow; each was three spans wide and perfectly squared off on all sides.

  Whereupon there entered into that Hall thirty-two young personages, sixteen of which were dressed in cloth-of-gold: namely eight young nymphs, such as were portrayed by the Ancients in the suite of Diana; one king, one queen, two castle-guards, two knights and two archers. The sixteen others were similarly drawn up, all arrayed in cloth-of-silver.