The Color of Her Panties

by Piers Anthony

  "No I'm not! No I'm not!" he screamed. "Guards! Arrest this impostor! Lock her in a cell!"

  But the goblins in the vicinity did not move. They knew that Gwenny was Gouty's legitimate child, and that they could not interfere with her. Not openly. They liked the words, but at the same time knew that no child should be uttering them, so they didn't know quite what to do.

  "####!" Gobble yelled. "++++!" But though those nearby blanched, they were all adults, so couldn't be freaked out, quite. The remaining cookies turned into steamy sludge, but the brat remained captive to the wand. So he took a breath and spewed out his ultimate: "****!"

  Che's young mind reeled with the onslaught of those abominable words. He felt nauseated, but managed to keep his stomach down and his face straight. He saw Jenny doing likewise, though she was turning a deeper green around the gills. That was a good trick for someone who had no gills.

  Gwenny concentrated on her wand, causing the brat to float through the chamber door. He quivered a little, because her control was not yet quite assured, but got through.

  "Help me, somebody!" Gobble shouted. "She's kidnapping me! I'm your future chief! Stop her!"

  "Stand clear," Gwenny said, and the goblins reluctantly did so. She lofted Gobble on down the tunnel. Che and Jenny followed.

  As they passed the nursery where the children were normally kept, Gobble managed to rip out one more word. "<<<
  But there were no screams of freaked-out children. It seemed that Godiva had had them removed from the vicinity of the exit route. Gobble's awful ploy had failed.

  Godiva met them farther along. "Here are your packs. They have food and water for a two-day trip; I hope you can complete it within that time. If not, I hope you can forage." She gave them each one, and tossed one to Gobble where he hung in the air.

  "I don't want this junk!" the brat complained.

  "Go hungry, then," Godiva said. "It isn't as if anyone would miss you if you starved."

  Gobble reconsidered, and put on the pack.

  Gwenny and her party moved on out of Goblin Mountain and around to the side where there was a crevice between it and the next mountain. At the end of the crevice was a boulder wedged in a hole.

  "Now you will have to hold Gobble for a moment," Gwenny said. She lofted the brat over to Che.

  Che grabbed one arm, and Jenny grabbed the other. Neither of them was a goblin, so Gobble had no authority over them. "****!" Gobble cried, struggling, but the word had less force because he had used it before. It seemed that he had learned only six of the seven forbidden words. Certainly they would not tell him the seventh!

  Gwenny oriented her wand on the boulder. It looked as if it had been in place about four hundred years, but now it floated out and came to rest a short distance away. Behind it was revealed a dark and dreadful cave.

  "Hey, that's where the callicantzari hang out!" Gobble cried, fear tinging his voice. "You can't dump me in there!"

  "We are all going in there," Gwenny said.

  "Help! Kidnapping!" he screamed in desperation. "We're all going to die in that hole!"

  But the goblins on the mountain just stood there helplessly. Gwenny Goblin was the only one they could not interfere with, even if she had a suicidal nature.

  Gwenny aimed the wand at Gobble again, and he floated up, his arms and legs waving wildly. He tried to hold on to Che and Jenny, but they stepped out of the way the moment they released him. "Aaaargh!" he wailed as he was lofted into the cave, just as if the others weren't going in with him.

  "We need a torch," Che said.

  "Yes, it is very dark and dank in here," Jenny agreed, shuddering.

  "That, and the fact that the callicantzari are afraid of fire, though I understand they use it to cook their meat. That's part of their fouled-up-ness."

  "No," Gwenny said. "A torch would advertise our presence. We must try to get through without alerting them. Mother said there is supposed to be fungus light when it gets deep enough."

  "Ha!" Gobble said. "Hey, callicantzari! Come and get them!"

  "You will be the first one they eat," Gwenny told him.

  That set him back. Then he tried to bluff it out. "How come? Everybody knows that girls taste better than boys. They'll eat you first, and I'll escape."

  "No. They will do something else to us first," Gwenny said evenly. Che was impressed by the way she was able to speak of that Adult Conspiracy secret without blanching. "And they don't like horsemeat as well as goblin meat, so they'll leave Che too. But you will be just right for them to start with, because you're small and loud and dusted with cookie crumbs. Also, you smell bad, and they have terrible taste. They prefer tainted meat." She was showing qualities of leadership, goblin style.

  Gobble decided to shut up. He evidently realized that she was probably right, even if he didn't know exactly what the monsters would do to the girls first. It would hardly make a difference to him, if he got eaten first.

  They moved on down below the mountain, Gobble not evincing so much as a peep. After a while the fading light from the cave mouth was replaced by yellow, green, and blue glows. The fungus light was showing, in many colors. The farther they went, the more colors showed, until there was a full rainbow spectrum. It was eerily pretty. It showed the outline of the tunnel, because the fungus lined every surface. It wasn't very bright, but would do.

  They came to a larger cavern, and then to branching passages. Now it was time for the cat. "Sammy, find the River Lethe," Jenny said, setting him on the floor. "But don't run."

  Naturally the cat bounded off at full velocity. That was because he was an animal who didn't truly understand human or centaur imperatives. Jenny started to run after him, but Che held her back. "You'll crash into a stalagmite," he warned.

  "But I'll lose Sammy!"

  "No you won't. See, there are dark spots where his paws crushed the fungus. We can follow his trail."

  He was right, of course. Centaurs always were. The cat's trail was reasonably clear. They could follow it at leisure.

  They did so, leaving their own trail behind. But Che knew better than to trust to that for their return; the fungus might regrow and reglow before they came back, erasing their trail. Or other creatures might pass this way, obscuring it. So he made sure to fix the exact route in his memory, so that he could find their way without reference to the fungus.

  Then they heard something. A sort of ugly shuffling and scuffling, as if something awful was doing something worse. That must be one of the callicantzari!

  "Can we hurry?" Jenny whispered.

  They hurried. But when they did, they made more noise—and so did the unseen thing. Now there was more than one ugly noise, as if several things, each more grotesque than the others, were closing clumsily in on them.

  Then one of them showed up ahead. It was even worse than Che had feared. It seemed to have started on the frame of a man, but gone astray. It had a grotesque furry face with a bulbous nose and two dirty eye slits and a mouth obscured by twisted fangs. The body seemed to have bones in the wrong places, and the muscles attached backwards, exactly as represented in the centaur classes. It it tried to jump forward, it might lurch backward, though probably it had learned to try to jump backward when it wanted to go forward.

  But that was not the worst of it. Its breath was such a foul stench that the fungus around it was turning bilious green. Che knew that they would all choke if they got too close to the monster. "We had better run," he suggested.

  "But it's right where we have to go," Gwenny said. "And we don't dare leave the trail; we might not find it again."

  She had a point or two. But Jenny came to the rescue: "Use the wand on it!"

  "But then Gobble will run away," Gwenny said.

  "I don't think so, because there's another monster behind us. Gobble's safer with us."

  Gwenny set Gobble down, and sure enough, the brat did not run. She aimed the wand at the monster, and the callicantzari made a noisome moan, or maybe a moaning no
ise, and sailed away backwards.

  Then the four of them charged forward down the tunnel. The monster behind pursued, but it was so disjointed that it couldn't keep the pace. The one ahead kept floating backward, because of the magic of the wand.

  The tunnel widened into a passage, and the passage into a hall, and the hall into a gallery. They had to dodge around the many supporting columns. Fortunately the glow fungus made each one stand out, so they could see it coming.

  Suddenly they came to a great dark cleft in the floor. There at the brink of it was a small furry shape, while the monster was suspended over the chasm. Che realized that this could be an extension of the great Gap Chasm, gone underground. If so, there was no hope of getting around it; they had to go over it.

  "Sammy!" Jenny cried, swooping down on the small shape. Che realized that the cat had been stopped by the chasm, so had simply waited for them to catch up. That was just as well, because if Sammy had tried to hurdle the cleft, and missed—but obviously he had more sense than that.

  Gwenny dumped the callicantzari on the other side, then aimed the wand at Che. "If the monster tries to get you, I think there's a knife in the pack," she said.

  "I'll just make him light and throw him away," Che said more confidently than he felt.

  Then he floated across the gulf, and landed on the other side. The callicantzari did come at him; he spun aside and flicked it with his tail. The monster, abruptly lightened, leaped into the air—and plunged into the chasm. Che was chagrined; he hadn't intended that. He watched the thing float slowly down. At least it wouldn't land hard.

  Meanwhile, Gwenny was lofting Gobble across. Then she started on Jenny. "But wait—how will you get across?" Jenny asked.

  "Oops—I hadn't thought of that," the goblin girl said, chagrined.

  "There should be a rope," Che called, rummaging desperately in his pack. In a moment he felt it. Godiva had indeed had the foresight to provide them with this most useful tool for cave delving. "Catch this, and I will haul you across." He knotted the end and hurled it across the chasm.

  But Gwenny was now facing the other way. One of the callicantzari was lumbering at her. She lofted it up and back, so that it tumbled into the one behind, and they both became a writhing mass of limbs and torsos, each part worse than the rest.

  Jenny caught the rope and tied it to a column. "But then the monsters may use it too," Che said. "And we won't be able to get it back."

  "Yes, we will," Jenny said. "You don't want to try to hold her full weight; she might drag you both down. So tie your end to a column, too."

  Che obeyed, anchoring his end firmly. "But—"

  Jenny turned to Gwenny. "Now you climb across on that rope. Quickly!"

  "But I haven't lofted you across yet!" Gwenny protested.

  "Right. I'll go last. Move!"

  Gwenny put away her wand and took hold of the rope. She had strong goblin hands, and was able to hand herself across in short order. As soon as Gwenny completed her crossing, Jenny untied the rope at her end. It slid into the chasm, but Che hauled it up on his side.

  But another monster was coming at her. "Look out!" Che cried as the monster reached a twist-fingered hand for her.

  Jenny scooted away, but the clumsy arm came down, brushing her head. A backward finger caught the bow of her spectacles, and they were ripped off her face.

  "Oh!" Jenny cried, suddenly blinded. She staggered forward, trying to see where she was going.

  The callicantzari clung to the spectacles. It brought them to its face. It was trying to eat them! Che and Gwenny watched in horror as it crunched them between its tusks.

  Jenny staggered toward the chasm. "No!" Che and Gwenny cried together.

  Then Jenny stepped over the brink. She screamed as she fell into the awful depth.

  But in a moment her descent stopped. Jenny rose back to the top, and came toward them.

  Che let out his breath. Gwenny had used her wand to catch Jenny. That had been Jenny's intent when she decided to be the last to cross, but Che had mislaid that notion when he saw the monster almost grab her.

  Jenny landed safely before them. Che embraced her. She wasn't as pretty as Gwenny, but she was his best friend, and he was greatly relieved to have her safe.

  "Ha-ha, four-eyes!" Gobble said. "They gotcha spectacles! Now you're bat blind!"

  Che suffered a surge of fury. He released Jenny and took a step toward the goblin brat. But Gobble was already rising into the air and floating over the chasm. Gwenny was just as angry.

  "Don't drop me! Don't drop me!" he screamed. "I didn't mean nothing!"

  Now Jenny realized what was happening. "Don't hurt him," she said. "He's just acting the way he is. That's what brats do."

  Gwenny hesitated. Gobble shook over the chasm, because her hand was shaking on the wand. Che put his hand on hers and guided it so that the brat floated back to the regular cave floor and landed. He knew Jenny was right; a brat couldn't be blamed for being brattish. Also, Gwenny was supposed to protect her little brother, even if he was a disgrace to Goblin Mountain.

  But how was Jenny to rare, now, without her spectacles? The light was dim enough already, and this would probably indeed make her effectively blind.

  Gwenny put her hands to her face. Che thought she was crying. But then she poked her own eye, and something came away from it. It was one of her magic contact lenses!

  "Jenny, take this," Gwenny said, pressing the tiny lens into Jenny's hand. "Put it in your eye, and you will be able to see with that eye."

  Jenny realized what it was. "But that's yours! You need it!"

  "I have the other. We can share. One eye is good enough, down here. When we get back to the surface, you can get another pair of spectacles, and it will be all right. But down here, we need you to see, so you don't step off any more ledges."

  Jenny had to acknowledge the truth of that. She rubbed the lens on her shirt, then brought it to her right eye. It went into place, and she blinked. "Oh, I can see again, better than before! But what's that Gobble has?"

  Che looked. The brat was just standing there.

  Gwenny looked. Her left eye had her lens. "Oh, that's his daydream. The biggest, fattest bottle of tsoda popka ever filled. He lives for junk food." There was a trace of sadness in her voice, which Che understood: now that the three of them had joined the Adult Conspiracy, they were no longer supposed to be interested in junk food. It would take time to adjust to that privation.

  Gobble looked at them. "Hey, are you %%%%'s talking about me?"

  "Oh, it disappeared," Jenny said.

  "Because you jogged him out of his daydream," Che said, though he had never seen the dream.

  "Gobble, if you keep using that word, I just may change my mind about dropping you in the gulf," Gwenny said.

  Che could see why. That particular term was the most derogatory reference to the female persuasion that existed, which was why it was forbidden by the Conspiracy.

  They returned to business. "I don't trust letting Sammy go ahead loose," Jenny said. "He could have plunged into that chasm himself."

  "Maybe we could tie a tope to him," Gwenny suggested.

  "No, he wouldn't like that. Besides, it might snag and choke him. But we do need to find the—" she hesitated, not wanting the cat to take off "—whatever."

  "Maybe you could hold him, and see which way he wants to go," Che said.

  "Yes, let's try that," Jenny agreed, relieved. She held the cat in her arms. "Now, Sammy, I want you to stay with me, because it's dangerous here. But I also want to find the River Lethe, and by a safe route. So you just look the way you want to go, and we'll go there. Okay?"

  The cat seemed satisfied to be carried. He looked down the tunnel ahead—and both girls jumped. "Look at that!" Gwenny cried, delighted.

  "Oh, wonderful!" Jenny agreed.

  "What do you see?" Che asked, mystified.

  "Sammy is dreaming the route to the river," Gwenny answered. "It's like a map, with the path highlig
hted. Now we know exactly where to go."

  "But doesn't your mentioning it make him stop?"

  "No, it's still there," Jenny said. "Maybe because he's an animal, and he has a very fixed attention span. When he sets out to find something, he doesn't stop until he has either found it, or been stopped from finding it. I never knew exactly how that worked before."

  "Hey," Gobble said, "you mean those lenses make you see things? Like dreams?"

  "Oops," Gwenny said. "We shouldn't have let him know that. He'll blab it all over the mountain."

  "No, he won't," Che replied. "We're taking him to the Lethe, right? That will be just one more thing for him to forget."

  "Hey, I'm not forgetting anything!" Gobble cried. "I'm going to remember all the great words, and how my stupid **** of a sister has to use a lens to see, which means she's blind too, so can't be chief, and how she's snooping on dreams."

  "You may forget more than those things, if you don't shut your fowl mouth," Gwenny warned him tightly.

  The brat shut up for a while, realizing that she was serious. He knew that a fowl mouth was the very foulest mouth, because it referred to the way a harpy talked.

  They went on, more rapidly now, because the girls had the cat's mental map to follow. They wound down through what would have been truly awesome caverns if they had been in less of a serious hurry. But they couldn't complete the journey in one trek, so they made camp in a dead-end offshoot chamber and had a meal. They took turns visiting another region for private business, and Gobble had the wit not to call it $$$$ out loud.

  Then they settled down to sleep. "I appoint you the watch," Gwenny told Gobble. "I'm sure you'll let us know if any monsters approach."

  "Hey!" he protested. "Why me? I didn't ask to come here!"

  "Because you're the cause of this trip, because of the way you corrupted yourself with part of the Adult Conspiracy."

  "Well, how do you know I won't tie you all up and steal that wand, so I can get out of here?"