The Color of Her Panties

by Piers Anthony

  "Oh, really?" Mela said, flattered. "Oh, he means as a morsel for eating."

  "That, too," the naga agreed. He looped his serpentine body into a pyramidal coil, with his head at the apex. "As I explained, it was a misunderstanding that caused Draco to toast your husband, and he much prefers not to quarrel with you. We were playing dominoes and discussing our mutual problem with goblin encroachment of our demesnes, never expecting company. Draco has had interesting news from other winged monsters, and suddenly I think I see a larger purpose in this encounter."

  "A larger purpose?" Mela echoed.

  "Because the Good Magician never does anything purposelessly. He surely had good reason to send you to my sister, and she had similar reason to forward you to me. Let's have formal introductions, and then perhaps I can clarify things somewhat. I am Naldo Naga, and this is Draco Dragon."

  "I am Mela Merwoman, and this is Okra Ogress, and this is Ida Human. Okra wishes to become a major character, so needs to get rid of Jenny Elf. Ida needs to achieve her destiny."

  The various named parties nodded at each other. But when Mela turned in the course of introducing the others, Ida's eyes looked troubled. "Naldo's staring at your backside," Ida whispered to Mela.

  Mela put a hand back, and discovered that her slip had somehow slipped aside, and was revealing some of the color of her panty. Naldo had seen! She felt herself turning a rosy-cheeked apple red crosslined with other colors as she hastily pulled the slip back across her bottom. This could never have happened if she had been in her normal tail.

  But the slip started to slip aside again, so she sat down on the raised edge of the nest. Unfortunately the slip rode up across her knees, and the slippers managed to make her feet slip apart, giving Naldo too much of a glimpse up her legs. What perverse items of clothing these were! She had to concentrate on keeping them from embarrassing her further, leaving the dialogue to the others. There had been a time when she had not been concerned with appearance, but that had been before she learned that males were not supposed to see panties. She was now doing her best to abide by the customs of landbound folk. So she firmly crossed her legs and hoped for the best.

  "What is this interesting news Draco Dragon has?" Okra asked.

  "And why do you think Nada sent us on to you?" Ida added.

  "I will answer you both," Naldo said, removing his eyes from what Mela hoped he hadn't quite seen. "But first let me learn just a little more about you. Okra, why should getting rid of a harmless elf facilitate your situation?"

  "Because there was an opening for one major character, and the choice was between an ogress and an elf, and the elf got it. Since Jenny was the elf, if I can get rid of her, then there will be only one candidate, me."

  "You don't actually wish her any harm?"

  "No. I just want her out of Xanth, one way or another."

  "So if there were some other way for you to gain the status you desire, you would be content to let Jenny Elf be?"

  "Well, I suppose. But since there was only one character to be chosen, I think it has to be her or me."

  Naldo nodded. "And, Ida, how do you propose to achieve your destiny?"

  "Well, I was going to ask the Good Magician, but he didn't answer. So I thought I'd ask Nada Naga, but she sent us on to you. So maybe you know how. I'm sure I don't."

  "You are sure you don't, but that I do?"

  "Well, yes, really," Ida said. "Because we have been sent to you. So you must know the Answer, or know how to get it. Professor Grossclout seemed to know the Answers, but he's just like the Good Magician Humfrey: neither one will second-guess the other. They say our Answers would be counterproductive, whatever that means. So you're our last hope. You must be able to help us."

  Naldo's human head nodded on his serpent neck. "I believe you are correct. Very well, now I will answer. The news is this: Che Centaur is in trouble. The winged monsters have been keeping an eye on him, but aren't supposed to interfere. But they fear that if something is not done soon, Che will not survive his difficulty. Neither will his companions, Gwendolyn Goblin and Jenny Elf."

  "Jenny Elf!" Okra exclaimed. "I don't want her to survive!"

  "And why should we care about Che or the goblin girl?" Ida asked.

  Naldo smiled a trifle grimly. His face was rather handsome, and so were his coils, in a different way, Mela thought. "I asked myself a similar question, when I learned that a goblin was a member of the party to be saved; the naga folk do not get along well with the goblin folk. But this particular goblin has a chance to become the first female chief of goblins, and that would transform their nature and make them halfway decent neighbors. And because Che Centaur is very important to the Simurgh, and she will be most annoyed if he is harmed. We don't want to experience her annoyance. She might let the universe expire, so that another can start instantly in its place, one without the annoyance."

  Mela thought about that, and realized that they did have a certain peripheral interest in the matter, since they were part of the universe. "But we have concerns of our own," she said. "Why would Nada send us here, when we can't do anything about your other concern?"

  "Ah, but perhaps you can," he said. "But rather than attempt to persuade you by logic, which is an imperfect mechanism, let me be more direct. I believe I can solve all your problems, or at least arrange for the satisfaction of all three of your quests, if you will do something to help me handle my concern."

  "You can satisfy our quests?" Ida asked excitedly.

  "Yes. But I shall not do so unless you do something for me. I want you to help save Che Centaur. I suspect that this is what the Good Magician had in mind when he sent you to me via Nada."

  "But why not send us directly to you?" Ida asked.

  "Perhaps because Mela would not have come, had she known I was with Draco." He glanced at Okra. "And you would not have come had you realized that I would require you to help save Jenny Elf."

  "Save her!" Okra exclaimed. "I don't want to do that!"

  "But you do want to be a major character," he reminded her. "Just as Ida wants to achieve her destiny, and Mela wants a husband. I do happen to be in a position to enable the three of you to fulfill these quests. But I do also have my price, which I think is not as great as the one the Good Magician exacts. The three of you must do what you can to save the three others from their predicament, regardless of your personal wishes. Only if you do that will I oblige your own wishes."

  Mela exchanged a good three and a half glances with Okra and Ida. She did not like this, but if he really could deliver, it might be worth it. She saw that the other two felt much the same. "Then we'll do it," she said. "Though we consider this to be unfair."

  Naldo shrugged, which was impressive with his serpent body. "The price does not seem excessive considering that you are in no position to bargain."

  They could not argue with that. "So what is it we have to do?" Mela asked.

  "You have to go to the Simurgh and tell her that Roxanne is about to eat Che."

  "The Simurgh!" Mela exclaimed, horrified. "No one dares go there!"

  "Correction: no flying monster dares fly there," Naldo said. "And other creatures had best practice extreme caution, because of the Maenads and Python. But I think three damsels in evident distress might manage to get through. So that is your task: to go to Mount Parnassus and tell the Simurgh. Then return here and I will make good on my promise."

  Mela knew that the naga folk always kept their promises. But she had another objection. "We are north of the Gap Chasm, and Mount Parnassus is south of it. It will take us a long time to get there, and if the problem is urgent we may be too late."

  Naldo glanced at Draco, who slithered out of the nest, spread his wings, and flew down to the water. He dived in.

  "I will show you out of this den," Naldo said. "By the time we emerge, Draco will have some winged monsters ready to transport you."

  "Just so long as we don't have to go through that awful fresh water," Mela said.

  "
Unfortunately you do. But I trust all three of you can swim."

  Mela exchanged a few more glances with her companions. "Yes. But we don't want to get our clothing wet."

  "Then take it off, by all means! I certainly don't object!"

  "But if we do, you will see our—our unmentionables," Mela said, not wanting to say the P word to a male.

  "I will transform to my complete serpent form," he said. "The proscription does not apply to animals, of course, as they have no appreciation of the significance of such apparel."

  Mela wasn't quite certain of the logic, but couldn't refute it. So Naldo assumed his fully serpent form, and the three of them removed their clothing and then their panties, and stood in their altogether like three nymphs. They sealed their things in their purses, then looked at the snake.

  The snake slithered to one side of the nest, and nudged something with his snout. It was a rope ladder. Mela went and tossed it over the side, and saw that it reached to the floor of the cave, and was firmly anchored above. That must have been how other visitors came up, when the dragon had company. She had never thought of dragons as sociable creatures, but it seemed that it was possible. After all, Draco had been playing a game of fire, water, sand with Merwin Merman when they had the altercation that led to the loss of the firewater opal. It seemed that though every mercreature knew that water doused fire, sand displaced water, and fire melted sand, the dragon had somehow thought that it was backwards, with fire evaporating water, water covering sand, and sand smothering fire. So each thought he had won, and that the other was cheating, and they had fought. What mischief had come of the confusions and aggressions of males! Still, males did make life more interesting. Perhaps not as interesting as females made life for males, but then the realms of life and love never had been quite fair.

  They used the ladder in turn and stood by the dark water. The bats hovered again, watching. They were evidently guardians of the den. The snake slithered down the ladder and into the water. So they followed, distressing as it was for Mela. Once she landed her husband and returned to the sea, she would never touch fresh water again.

  They swam in single file. The snake took a breath and dived under the surface, and Mela followed. She saw vicious little piranha fish, and was suddenly nervous, because without her tail (which she would not trust to this water) she could not swim fast enough to avoid them. But they did not attack; they merely watched. Draco must have given them the word. The dragon had guardians in both the air and the water, making his precious nest secure. Yet obviously the demons could reach it, since they had conjured the three damsels there, and the goblins had raided it. So nothing was perfect.

  There was an underwater passage leading out. They used it, and soon came to an end of the water in a dry cave. Someone going the other way would never know that the dark pool led to a dragon's lair! Mela had been surprised to see the dragon swim away, but she really had never known a lot about dragons. It was evident that some flying dragons could indeed swim, and that some firedrakes could handle water. Just as some merfolk could handle land, when they had to.

  They saw daylight beyond, so paused to put their clothing back on. Since Mela's original clothing remained wet, she had to use the Freudian slip and slippers again, and her algae bra. The bra was all right; in fact she hoped to continue using it after this was over, because it derived from the sea and was comfortable. But the slip was treacherous, and she didn't trust it at all. It seemed to be out to embarrass her by "accidentally" showing things she very much did not want to show. The slippers were almost as bad; they tended to slip on the ground when someone was watching. They caused her legs to slip out of their covering at odd moments, so that more of them showed than intended. This could have been very embarrassing, if she hadn't taken the trouble to form good legs.

  They came to the cave opening. It turned out to be in the slope of a mountain, with a sheer drop to the level ground. What now?

  A four-legged griffin approached, its fierce eagle's head orienting on them as the paws of its lion's body reached for them. It hovered as close as it could to the cave, but it was shaped the wrong way to land there.

  Naldo resumed his naga form. "One of you catch onto the griffin's legs," he said. The downdraft from the wings was blowing his hair straight back.

  "But—" Mela said, with a qualm that was more than mere doubt.

  "Draco has enlisted them to carry you to Mount Parnassus," Naldo explained. "But one griffin can carry only one person. Gregor Griffin will set you on his back once you catch on. Trust him; he is sworn to protect Che Centaur."

  Mela's faith was distinctly weak. Griffins had been known to slaughter and eat luscious merwomen such as herself. But she realized that she had to set an appropriate example. Besides, her slip was trying to slip to the side again, and her slippers were trying to make her feet slip out from under her so that she would sit down suddenly with her slip flying over her head. She had to get into a better situation. So she stomped on the nearest qualm, shored up her faint faith, and reached out to take hold of the monster's front legs.

  The griffin flew up, and Mela was dragged off the mountain. She dangled in the air, under the griffin, feeling like the clapper of a bell. She tried to scream, but before she got enough breath for a respectable effort, the griffin hoisted his front legs and sent her looping up over his head. She did an appalled flip in the air and landed—plop—on his back, right between his beating wings.

  She finally got her breath in order, and made ready to scream. But by then she realized that she no longer had cause. She was riding the griffin, and no one could see her panty even if the slip tried to show it, because she was too far from the ground.

  She hung on to the griffin's feathery mane and glanced back. There was another griffin behind, with Okra on it. Farther back was a third, with Ida. They were all safely riding. What a relief!

  Now the three griffins winged swiftly south. Surprisingly soon they were crossing the Gap Chasm. Mela peered down, trying to see whether the cave they had taken to the demons' realm was there, but they were flying so high that the details were only a blur. It was amazing the way Professor Grossclout had conjured them so far to the dragon's cave, just like that. She would never want to run afoul of the professor, for sure!

  The griffins accelerated. Now the scenery fairly whizzed by. Xanth was like a huge carpet, with forests, rivers, lakes, and fields painted on. Most lakes were small, like puddles, but there was one larger one which looked like pursed lips. "Lake Kiss-Mee!" she exclaimed, thrilled by the identification. She had been there, not all that long ago. A line extended south of it which had to be the Kiss-Mee River, up which Okra had paddled.

  They followed that line down until it touched a much larger lake. That would be Ogre-Chobee, where the curse fiends resided. Plus a few stray ogres, as Okra had shown. Then they angled southwest, crossing dense jungle. Finally the very tip of a mountain showed ahead—and the griffins swooped down to the land. That would be because they were not allowed to fly too close to Mount Parnassus. But it would still be a long walk for Mela and her companions.

  But the griffins did not stop. They touched land, folded their wings, and ran on four feet on toward the mountain. So that was why Draco had enlisted the four-legged variety! They could take the travelers a good deal closer to the mountain without getting into trouble.

  In due course the griffins halted. They were now quite near the base of Mount Parnassus, but not touching it. The winged monsters had gone as far as they dared go.

  Mela dismounted. "Thank you, Gregor," she said with genuine gratitude. "You have saved me a long, hard trek." Then she kissed the griffin on the beak.

  Gregor's face feathers changed from golden to beet. Mela was sympathetic, having experienced something similar when the Freudian slip misbehaved. Probably the creature was frustrated at not being able to consume her tender flesh.

  Soon the griffins were running away. All the three of them had to do now was find a way to the top of the m
ountain without getting eaten by the wild Maenads or the monstrous Python. Mela hoped they were up to it.

  Mela verified her memory of the hazards in her manual, then explained the problem. "We can't just climb up. The Maenads are wild women who chase down and eat any intruders, and those they don't catch the terrible Python does. There are Muses on the mountain, but they don't interfere, and anyway, it's the Simurgh at the top who we have to see."

  "Maybe I could bash a Maenad," Okra said.

  "But they travel in wild screaming packs," Mela said. "While you were bashing one, the others would get us. No, we want to avoid them entirely, if we can."

  "Maybe there's a path they aren't on," Okra said.

  "Yes, maybe there is," Ida agreed. "We have only to find it, and then we can go straight up and not have any trouble. No Maenads, no Python."

  Mela started to object, but realized that it was pointless. They had to go up the mountain, and hope that they did not encounter its menaces. Why make the others afraid? Even if they were doomed to be caught and eaten, there was no point in proceeding with fear. Okra believed that major characters never had anything really bad happen to them; that would be nice, if Mela cold be sure that she herself was a major character. Considering the death of her husband, Merwin, way back when, she doubted that she could be major. So she had no security, and neither did Ida. The only way to avoid the dangers was not to go up the mountain, and then they wouldn't complete their quests.

  But she did think it was cruel of Naldo Naga to send them on this dangerous mission. He should have gone himself, but instead was saving his hide by making them do it. Maybe he really had no solutions for them, but figured he would not have to provide any, because they would not survive this mission.

  No, that was unfair. The naga folk were honorable, and he was a prince, therefore responsible. So he would honor the deal. But he had certainly driven a cruelly hard bargain!

  Okra and Ida were searching for a good path. Mela joined them, with less enthusiasm. She was older than they were, and versed in the horrors life could bring, such as the death of one's spouse. But it was better to leave them their relative innocence as long as possible.