The Life That Mattered (The Life Series Book 1)

by Jewel E. Ann

  A red rug stretched from the plane’s stairs all the way to the limo where Graham stood in a tux holding a huge bouquet of roses. I released her hand, assuming she would run toward them, eager to leave behind her drug addicted husband. Instead, she turned her back to them to face me. Throwing her arms around my neck, she hugged me like she did the morning she first found the oxy in my jacket.

  Emotion stung my eyes as my heart fell hard like a boulder tumbling down the side of a mountain. “You’re my favorite everything, Roe,” she whispered, her voice thick with emotion.

  All I could do was nod in reply to keep from crying like a fucking baby in front of our friends. For a moment, I realized I didn’t deserve her love. And that scared me to death.

  She released me, took my hand, and tugged me toward the limo.

  “Hey, old lady.” Graham smirked as she walked into his arms.

  I tried not to read into her smile, wondering if she smiled bigger for Graham, but I couldn’t help it. For the first time in over five years of marriage, I felt like we weren’t invincible. And that hurt worse than any pain I tried to numb with medication.

  “Roses …” She took them from Graham and sniffed them. “My favorite.”

  He stepped aside so she could climb into the limo. “Did you have a pleasant flight?” Graham patted me on the shoulder and smirked.

  I returned a stiff smile. No. I didn’t nail Evelyn to the leather seat in the plane. She nailed me to the cross and informed me my only salvation involved checking into treatment for a disease I didn’t have. Could he read all of that from my smile? Doubtful.

  Lila and Evelyn giggled as they tried to maneuver Lila and the balloons back into the limo.

  “Screw it.” Lila let go of the balloons, sending them into the air.

  “Brilliant, babe. We’ll probably get fined for releasing balloons into the air at an airport.” Graham grabbed her waist to guide her back into the seat as she lifted her casted leg, propping it up on the seat between Evelyn and the door.

  Evelyn rested the long-stemmed roses on her lap and grabbed my hand. It felt like a fucking lifeline. She had no way of knowing just how emasculating it was to have her give me that ultimatum on the plane.

  “Are you tipsy already?” Evelyn cocked her head at Lila.

  “No.” Lila jerked her head back, but at the same time she fell into a fit of giggles. “Maybe.” She grabbed a bottle of champagne and poured a glass, miraculously without spilling it, and handed it to Evelyn. “For you, birthday girl.”

  Evelyn took a sip. “Thank you.”

  “And for you.” Lila handed me a glass.

  “Thank you.” I took it, feeling the full weight of Evelyn’s gaze on me, further emasculating me.

  “Your dress, dear.” Graham frowned, covering Lila’s lap with his jacket.

  She wore a short, black dress that hit just above her cast which ended pretty close to the top of her leg.

  “Yes, my husband doesn’t need to see all of you.” Evie rolled her eyes.

  “Such prudes.” Lila sipped more champagne, probably the first time she’d had the chance to kick back and throw caution to the wind again since the accident. I couldn’t blame her.

  “Besides …” Lila shot Evie a mischievous look. “We’re all friends.” She slid her drunken gaze to me for a second while rubbing her glossed lips together. “Well, except Ronin. We really need to bring him into our circle. Don’t you think?”

  “Lila.” Graham said her name like a warning.

  She had too much alcohol in her blood to heed any warnings at the moment.

  “So where are we going for dinner? I’m starving.” Evelyn changed the subject, or so I thought.

  I wasn’t sure. Lila seemed to have a secret she was dying to share, while Graham and Evelyn exchanged a few uncomfortable glances with each other.

  Yes, I knew they had sex in college. Surely, Lila knew Evelyn shared that with me.

  “Evie, you’re forty!” Lila leaned forward, resting one hand on Evelyn’s knee while taking another sip of champagne with her other hand. “Carpe the fucking diem! We should all get deliriously drunk later and replay Vancouver with a plus one. Ronin really should have stayed that night.” Lila winked at me while sliding her hand up Evie’s leg a few inches beneath the flowers and her skirt.

  What … the fuck?

  Evie grabbed Lila’s hand, stopping its ascent and squeezing it while smiling past her gritted teeth. “I thought the four of us were already having dinner tonight … like we did in Vancouver.” She pushed Lila’s hand away.

  “Time to sober you up before the—” Graham caught himself before saying party as he took Lila’s champagne from her hand and shoved a bottled water into her hand instead. “Dinner. Time to sober you up before dinner, Mrs. Porter.”

  “Humpf!” Lila stuck out her lower lip.

  It was actually quite funny. I’d seen Evelyn do it a few times over our years together. It must have been a move they perfected together as young girls.

  After a few seconds, as if everyone else was waiting to see what would come out of Lila’s mouth next—because we were—she smirked at Evelyn. “I bet you still think of me when Ronin sucks your nipples.” Lila slid her tongue out to show us her tongue ring and tapped it against her teeth a few times while looking at my wife in a way I had never seen her look at Evelyn.

  “Jesus …” Graham leaned his head back, closing his eyes and massaging his temples.

  “You’re so drunk,” Evelyn murmured.

  I was the odd man out, left with nothing but a drunk woman’s confessions to spark my wild imagination since no one else offered to elaborate or clarify anything. Evelyn wouldn’t even look at me, so I took a nice long drink of my champagne, nearly emptying my glass all at once.

  That got her attention.

  She tore me apart with a look. Evelyn made me feel more vulnerable than I ever thought humanly possible. She was the beginning and the end, the mother of my children, the keeper of my heart, the reason my lungs took breaths, my absolute favorite … everything.

  Wanting her felt like an honor. Needing her felt like a failure.

  Silence took us hostage until we reached the Porter estate. Evelyn didn’t wait for anyone. She didn’t ask why we were there instead of at her favorite restaurant. Letting the roses fall to the floor of the limo, she jumped out and ran toward the front door.

  Lila cringed, giving me a regretful frown. Graham completely avoided making any sort of eye contact with me as he helped Lila slip on her black coat. I climbed out of the limo, taking long strides after Evelyn.

  Everything in my chest ached as she opened the front door before I could stop her.

  “Surprise!” echoed from the crowd of guests.

  Her body froze, like hitting a wall. I made it to the threshold just as her mom hugged her.

  “You look beautiful, baby.” Madeline smiled at me from over Evelyn’s shoulder.

  Had she only known how her baby’s husband and her friends shit on her birthday before ever getting to the party, she wouldn’t have been smiling. I couldn’t get to my wife. The crowd of guests swallowed her, showering her with hugs and birthday wishes.

  “Forget everything I said …” Lila mumbled to me as Graham helped her into the house. “It was the alcohol.”

  Graham finally looked at me as Lila followed the crowd toward the great room filled with more people and catered food and drinks. “It’s all good, buddy.” He squeezed my shoulder before following Lila.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  Evelyn

  I didn’t want a surprise party.

  It wasn’t my thing. It was Lila’s and Graham’s thing. However, after the string of events that led me to the front door of the Porter estate, I felt for the first time that day like I could breathe.

  My family and friends.

  Ronin’s parents were there after spending months in Singapore while Ling finished approving the final line of her summer collection.

  So
phie.

  Julien and his wife.

  My sister, Katie, and her husband, Tanner.

  Tami and Noah.

  Even Graham’s parents took the time to come wish me happy birthday.

  The biggest surprise was my kids. Graham flew them to Denver earlier in the day. I thought Ronin was taking them to Sue’s for the night. I was wrong.

  However, Sue was there too. After dinner, she took them upstairs to one of the bedrooms and put them to bed.

  It was by far the most perfect and tragic birthday of my life.

  Ronin followed me like a shadow all night. He stood by me with his hand on my lower back when it felt right to put on an act for the guests. He smiled on cue and laughed at the appropriate moments. I glued together that awful mask I’d owned for so many years and put it on—bent and ready to fall to pieces again if I let it slip as much as an inch.

  Graham stayed out of sight most of the evening while Lila found a chair and ottoman to elevate her leg while people lined up to see how she was feeling since the accident.

  “Andre said it’s time to cut the cake,” Mom whispered in my ear as one of Graham’s old buddies from college talked my other ear off about the Yankees, not realizing I had two kids and zero time to follow sports like I used to.

  And yes, Andre was the party planner. My fortieth birthday party was better planned, and probably more expensive, than most couples’ wedding receptions.

  “Time for cake,” I announced with a smile to end the baseball conversation.

  It was all too extravagant, yet I didn’t take for granted a single second of it. After all, I knew it might be the last time I would get to share something like that while my mom was still alive.

  I fought an onslaught of tears as everyone sang “Happy Birthday” to me. Then I blew out forty candles on a huge cherry amaretto cake as cheers and clapping filled the room.

  “Speech!” Lila yelled from just a few feet in front of me, balancing on her crutches, much more sober than she was in the limo.

  Silence swept through the room, leaving all eyes on me. My heart raced. I preferred attention in small doses where I didn’t shake under the microscope of the large crowd.

  Where was my rock?

  He stood a few feet behind Lila and Graham, next to his brother, Julien. My best friend put me on the stage, ignoring my insecurities. I stood there as my mask started to crack. Words—what was I supposed to say?

  “Thank me first. I paid for the party.”

  Everyone laughed, breaking the tension.

  My gaze shifted to Graham and his signature smirk. So arrogant. In that moment, he gave me what no one else did. A lifeline.

  He saw me drowning, and he saved me.

  A few tears tried to make their way out, but I quickly wiped them away as I smiled. “Yes.” I laughed as the room quieted again. “I have to thank my favorite Graham Cracker for proving, once again, that our friendship is truly priceless.” I winked at him.

  He mouthed, “I love you,” and winked back at me.

  “And speaking of friendships, I have to thank my best friend, Lila, for letting me be the one who has aged more gracefully.”

  She flipped me the bird and everyone laughed.

  “I love you too, Lila. And I’m so so grateful you’re here to celebrate this day with me.”

  A collective “aww” exhaled from the crowd. We all knew how incredibly lucky we were to have Lila with us. She smiled through her trembling lips and tear-filled eyes as she blew me a kiss.

  “And I wouldn’t be here to celebrate forty amazing years of life if Madeline Hayes hadn’t let herself fall in love with the handsome and oh-so-dapper Corey Taylor. Thank you for being the best parents anyone could ask for. I think I speak for Katie and Lila too when I say it’s a privilege to be your daughter.”

  A few sniffles broke through the silence as I left a pregnant pause, finding the courage and strength to look at my husband and say everything I wanted to say about him. “Last, but not least …” I choked on the words, biting my lips together and swallowing as I looked up at the ceiling, unable to let my gaze lock with his eyes.

  I shook my head, clenching my jaw and holding back not only the words, but the sob that fought to escape. No one else in the room knew how seeing Ronin’s truth that morning ripped open my heart, leaving me so scared and helpless.

  No one else knew how my world shattered in that tiny heartbeat.

  No one knew how I took his confessions and guarded them with my life for months.

  No one knew how badly I wanted to say three simple words that might profoundly change the course of something so tragic.

  No one knew …

  Drawing in a shaky breath, I tried again. “I want to thank my—” My hand covered my mouth as I choked on the sob that escaped along with all the tears as I bled out in front of everyone.

  “Evie …” Lila called my name as I ran out the side door, shouldering past a few of the servers and taking a quick left to the door that led to the pool and courtyard.

  The cool air forced a full breath into my lungs as I stumbled out of my shoes and just … ran. The Porters had acres of grassy hills. Acres of space to run away from my troubles. I didn’t stop until my lungs burned from exhaustion, and I couldn’t feel my feet from pounding them against the cold spring grass.

  I didn’t stop until I was ready to surrender to reality—as beautiful as I thought my life was, it wasn’t a fairy tale. And if it was, it would likely end in tragedy.

  Slowing to a stop, I ripped at the pins in my hair, releasing the messy strands to fall all around my shoulders as I bent over, panting with my hands clenched to my knees. Then I dropped to my knees, moving my hands to my face as I cried, not holding back anything. I just … couldn’t any longer.

  His woodsy Clean Art scent announced his presence before the warmth of his suit jacket covered my bare shoulders. Then he scooped me up into his arms.

  I let him, feeling too numb inside to protest the long walk he was about to make with me in his arms back to the house. Ronin kissed the top of my head and effortlessly retraced our steps with long, confident strides. I rested my cheek against his shoulder and closed my swollen eyes.

  Birthdays were overrated.

  Instead of going into the house, he slid into the back of a car with me still cradled in his arms. Someone shut the door and hopped into the front seat, shifting the vehicle into drive. I felt dead inside. So tired of trying to control … everything.

  Mom would take her last breath before I was ready to say goodbye.

  Ronin would live or die by his own mistakes, and there was nothing I could do to stop him.

  Lila and Graham had their lives that were, in so many ways, a million miles away from mine.

  But I had Franz and Anya.

  Every. Single. Day. I had to remind myself that they were enough. And they were. So very much.

  When the vehicle stopped, the driver opened the back door. Ronin lifted me out and walked into the hotel. A bellboy followed us with our shared overnight bag. When we made it to the room, the bellboy opened the door.

  “Thank you,” Ronin murmured, his first words since he retrieved me from the back of the Porter estate.

  The door closed behind us as he carried me to the king-sized bed in the lavish suite. I felt the immediate loss of his arms when he set me down on the edge of the bed and loosened his tie. I picked the most handsome man in the world to break my heart. It was such a rare occasion that I got to see Ronin in a suit, looking like sex on a stick. Why did this one have to end with him picking up my broken pieces?

  Disappearing to the bathroom, he turned on the water before returning, wearing nothing but a plush white towel tied around his waist. He didn’t speak. We didn’t speak. What was there to say?

  I let him slide his jacket off my shoulders, unzip my dress, and work my panties off my hips while I sat idle like a rag doll. All I wanted was to close my eyes and sleep for a hundred years. Was that too much to ask for my
birthday wish?

  Again, Ronin lifted me up into his arms, completely naked, and carried me to the bathroom. He eased me into the tub of steamy water, discarded his towel, and wedged his body in the tub behind mine. I rested my hands under the water on his legs and leaned back, using his chest as a pillow.

  Warm lips brushed my ear. Strong arms wrapped around my shoulders. When the water reached its limit, Ronin leaned over and turned it off. Grabbing a washcloth, he wet it and brought his face down next to mine so he could see to gently wipe the makeup from it. I closed my eyes.

  “I’m not going to ask you what happened in Vancouver.”

  My eyes blinked back open.

  “I failed you as a husband, as a friend, and as a father to our children. It was my job to take care of our family. But I couldn’t, and I hated it. Getting out of bed was a monumental challenge. Carrying our injured child nearly made me pass out. So … I looked for a solution, but nothing worked except …”

  The pills.

  He continued to wipe my face, rewetting the washcloth. “You’re so damn smart, and it was wrong of me to act like you wouldn’t know exactly what was happening. I was … I am so ashamed that I let it happen to me.” Ronin blew out a slow, shaky breath. “But it did. And I hate that you had to find out like you did. I hate that I was too weak to ask for help. I hate that in my attempt to show so much strength, I bared my biggest weakness.”

  I traced my fingers over his leg muscles, closing my eyes again as he continued to clean my face. “I’m both.”

  After a few seconds, he kissed my cheek, letting his lips linger there as he whispered, “Both what?”

  “I am your biggest strength … and your biggest weakness.” I shifted in the tub, not caring about the water sloshing over the sides. Settling myself at the opposite end, I massaged his calves as he ghosted his fingers along the topside of my feet. “And I know this because you are my biggest strength … and my biggest weakness.”

  Ronin nodded slowly, bringing my foot to his mouth and kissing my big toe.

  “I fucked up your birthday.” He teased the pad of my toe with his teeth.

  “You did.” I shrugged. “But you had help.”