One Summer Between Friends

by Trish Morey

  Floss found her there a few minutes later. ‘Sarah, are you okay?’

  ‘Yeah, sorry.’ She took a deep breath as the pop of a balloon and riotous laughter drifted from inside. ‘Sometimes something reminds you, and it all—it all just gets a bit overwhelming.’

  ‘I bet it does.’

  ‘I mean, it’s crazy, I know it’s crazy,’ she said. ‘How is it that you can miss something you never had? How can you miss something so badly that it twists you out of shape?’

  Floss shook her head. ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘God, Floss,’ Sarah said, putting her hands to her hair, ‘I don’t know how you can be so nice to me. I shouldn’t have come. I’m the wrong person completely to have at a kid’s birthday party. I can’t believe you invited me. I can’t believe I said yes.’

  Floss put a hand to Sarah’s arm and rubbed it. ‘But you did, and you’ve done fine, you really have.’

  ‘Yeah,’ she conceded with a deep breath. She had. For the most part. ‘You know, for a while there—for years, actually—I couldn’t be around kids at all. I said no to every work Christmas picnic. I said no to every baby shower and refused to visit women who’d just had babies. I sent a present or flowers, of course. But I couldn’t see them. Apart from when I was here on the island.’ She gave a wan smile. ‘Your kids were harder to avoid.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Floss said. ‘It was kind of difficult to hide them. I know it must be hard for you, I guess nobody knows just how hard, unless they’ve actually been there.’

  ‘When you can’t have a child, it’s like life is mocking you. Around every corner there’s a pram or another new baby. You can’t avoid it, no matter how much you try. And I know it’s mental and I know it’s wrong, but I couldn’t face seeing that other women had succeeded in something when I was such an abject failure. I’d never failed at anything in my life until I couldn’t have kids. Then everything went pear-shaped with it.’

  She looked down at her clasped hands and sighed. ‘God, Floss, I was so revolting to you. I was so full of jealousy and envy, I was toxic with it. I’m so sorry. When I look back on what I said, I want to shake myself and slap my mouth and kick myself into next year. So it’s really good of you—amazing, actually—to invite me anywhere after the way I treated you.’

  ‘Oh, Sarah,’ said Floss with a smile. ‘I knew you didn’t mean it. I just didn’t know how to fix anything.’ She paused a beat. ‘Do you think we might be able to fix it now?’

  Sarah pressed her lips together, tears once again threatening, although this time in joy that her once best friend would want to find a way back to friendship, after all she’d done to destroy it.

  ‘I hope so.’

  Floss said, ‘Come here, you,’ and pulled Sarah into her arms, and it was just like old times. Sarah breathed in the familiar smell of Floss’s hair, the same verbena scent of the shampoo she’d always used, and warmth seeped into her. A warmth that made her feel good, that had been absent from her life for too long. She hadn’t realised she’d been missing it.

  Eventually Floss let her go. She screwed up her nose and smiled apologetically. ‘It’s probably getting close to cake time in there. Can you bear to stay? I’ll understand if you don’t want to, but I’d love the chance to catch up a bit more after everyone’s gone.’

  Floss didn’t want her to go? Sarah had to take a moment to process that. ‘Of course I’ll stay.’

  ‘Brilliant,’ said Floss, and with a laugh, grabbed her hand and pulled her back inside.

  The next half-hour was bedlam. Sarah stood against the wall at the back of the room and did her best to stay out of the way while spills were mopped up, faces were wiped and children were herded back into the room so candles could be lit on the cake and lights dimmed for everyone to sing ‘Happy Birthday’.

  It was kind of fun to be here and be part of it, Sarah conceded, as the last bars of the chorus rang out, even if she couldn’t trust herself to look at Tammy holding her new baby again.

  Afterwards, as children and parents filtered away, and Floss and Andy went to see them off, it was no hardship for Sarah to stay inside and gather up the remains and the rubbish and stack plastic cups and plates for washing.

  By the time Floss came inside the place looked almost normal, although the sink was loaded with dirty dishes and the floor needed a good mop.

  ‘Andy’s taken the kids to Ned’s Beach to feed the fish,’ Floss said. She stopped and looked around. ‘You’ve done all this?’

  Sarah shrugged. ‘Consider it partial compensation for past transgressions.’

  ‘Lady,’ Floss said, ‘you can come to all my parties.’ She looked at the dishes piled up next to the sink and the cake smooshed on the floor and said, ‘God, I need a coffee before I tackle this lot.’ She almost immediately changed her mind. ‘No, I don’t. I need something stronger. Fancy a wine, Sarah?’

  ‘Yeah. That’d be nice. Thanks.’

  Floss took a bottle from the fridge, regarded it strangely, almost like she was having second thoughts, before shrugging and finding a couple of glasses. ‘Outside, I think.’

  They pulled up a couple of chairs on the veranda, where it was cool rather than cold. Misty rain was falling now, nothing you’d run away from, just enough to soften the edges of the garden, muting the colours and turning it into an Impressionist painting. The two women sipped on their wine while they chatted. Sarah told Floss about how her job had suddenly turned sour and made it impossible to be able to say no to her mother’s request to come, and Floss told Sarah about her mother’s slow descent into chronic illness.

  ‘It’s awful,’ she said. ‘I feel so bad for my dad. And with this place to run, I can’t help him anywhere near enough.’

  ‘At least you want to,’ Sarah said, enjoying the wine.

  ‘Is your mum still the same? Even after you’ve come home?’

  Sarah blew out a breath. ‘You know Dot. You saw what she was like at the fundraiser. But it is nice being closer to my dad. So swings and roundabouts, I guess.’ She sipped her wine. And then there was Noah.

  Sarah looked up to find Floss staring at her. ‘What?’ she said.

  Floss smiled. ‘I don’t know. It’s just so nice talking to you again, it’s like what happened before never did.’

  Sarah bit her lip. It did feel good, sitting here with her old friend. It felt like old times. She took hold of Floss’s hand and squeezed it. ‘You really forgive me, then, for being such a bitch to you?’

  ‘How could I not forgive you? You were one of my best friends, even if you did go a bit off the rails. I’m just so pleased you came back to the island. I’ve missed you.’

  A bit off the rails? Sarah wondered what she’d done to deserve Floss. ‘You know I can’t stay forever. I’ve got to go back and find a new job.’

  ‘I know, but if you hadn’t come, we might never have got back to being friends.’

  They sipped their wine in silent contemplation, before Floss gave a long sigh. ‘I feel bad for Jules, though. Alone in Sydney coping with all that by herself. Do you think that it could be like this with her too?’

  Sarah took a big swig of her wine. Not likely.

  ‘I mean, I feel bad,’ said Floss. ‘With her having cancer and all.’

  ‘They cut it out,’ said Sarah, studiously examining what was left in her glass.

  ‘But she’s having radiotherapy.’

  She sniffed. ‘As a precaution.’

  ‘But she’s still having to go through it. It must have been terrifying, getting a diagnosis like that. Can’t be easy, even now.’

  Sarah thought a while. ‘You cut her off because of what she did, didn’t you?’

  Floss shook her head. ‘I couldn’t stay friends with her after that. I felt like I didn’t know her anymore.’

  ‘Even after what I’d done to you.’

  Floss shrugged. ‘Doesn’t change anything. What she did was wrong. What they both did.’

  ‘But you stuck up for me w
hen you didn’t have anything to gain, and a friend to lose. I can’t forgive Jules for what she did, but I can’t expect you to feel the same way. I can’t tell you not to reach out to Jules. It’s just—I’m in a different place.’

  The breeze stirred through the palms, a gentle sound. Peaceful. Sarah realised in that moment how much she didn’t miss the constant noise of the city. To be able to hear the rustle of leaves, the whoosh and thunder of the waves, was like a balm for the soul. She could even think about Jules without feeling that familiar tightening of her chest. Though maybe that was the wine talking too.

  She watched Floss pick up the bottle, assuming she was going to top up their glasses, but instead she just seemed to be staring at the label.

  Sarah recognised it. ‘Is that the wine you bought at the shop?’

  ‘Yeah. More?’

  ‘No. But it’s good though. Handy to know.’

  ‘Mmm.’ Floss put the bottle down and swirled the wine in her glass before suddenly blurting, ‘Can I ask you for some advice?’

  ‘Of course.’ Sarah wasn’t about to say no to anything Floss asked now, unless it was to do with Jules. ‘What about?’

  ‘It’s about Andy and me.’

  Uh oh. ‘I don’t think so.’

  ‘Please, because I need to talk to someone, and I’m worried that something’s wrong. With our marriage, I mean. And who else can I ask? I can’t talk to my mum and I’m certainly not going to talk to my dad. And if I tell anyone else on the island, it’s sure to get back to Andy …’

  ‘You want to ask me for marital advice? I think you’ve come to the wrong shop.’

  ‘No, it’s just—Andy’s been really funny and things haven’t been good lately. Not for a while, and—’

  ‘You think he’s having an affair?’ After what he’d said to Sarah today? ‘I’ll kill him myself if he is. I am so over men who can’t honour their marriage vows.’

  ‘No. No, at least, I don’t think so.’ Floss was silent for a few seconds. ‘I’d know, wouldn’t I? If my husband was having an affair?’

  Sarah snorted. ‘Next question.’

  ‘Oh hell, I’m sorry,’ Floss said, shaking her head. ‘That was so stupid.’

  ‘All right,’ said Sarah. ‘So what’s going on between you and Andy?’

  Floss threw her hands up. ‘That’s it—I don’t know.’

  ‘You must have some idea. Has he said something?’ A note of seriousness crept into Sarah’s voice. ‘Has he done something to you?’

  ‘You mean like hit me?’ Floss actually laughed out loud at that. ‘No, he hasn’t touched me. He hasn’t come near me. That’s the problem: he’s not interested in me. He never says anything nice about how I look. I don’t think he even notices how I look. He’s not interested in sex. When he’s in bed, he’d rather read a book on motor mechanics than make love to me.’

  ‘Could he be tired? Stressed?’

  Floss rolled her eyes. ‘God, who isn’t? But doesn’t that make you want to reach for the one thing you know is going to make you feel better? The one thing that makes everything worthwhile? It does me, but it’s not happening and I don’t know why.’

  Sarah shook her head. It felt weird to be sitting here witnessing Floss’s distress when, so many times in the past, it had been Sarah doing the crying. But it wasn’t the same, she knew, because Floss wasn’t crying out of jealousy. It was nothing to do with envy for what Sarah had. It was all to do with what she was missing.

  ‘But surely Andy loves you? Maybe he just doesn’t say it.’

  ‘I want to believe that, but how am I supposed to know? If he doesn’t say it, and he doesn’t want to make love to me, what else am I supposed to think?’

  ‘Oh, Floss.’ Sarah leaned over, put her arm around her friend’s shoulders and squeezed her tight. ‘You know what? I have a pretty good feeling Andy loves you.’

  Floss pulled her head away, wiping at her tears. ‘How do you know?’

  ‘Because while everyone was eating, he sidled up to me and threatened me, that’s how. He told me if I hurt you again, I’d know about it.’

  ‘Andy said that?’

  ‘He did. Scared the crap out of me, if you want to know, because I knew he meant every word. So I figure he must care about you. Why would he bother otherwise?’

  ‘Wow. I mean, I’m sorry he was mean to you, but—wow.’

  The sound of Andy and the kids returning drifted up the driveway. Sarah stood up, knowing she should be going and that Floss should be with her family. ‘I’ll see you later.’

  ‘Will I see you again?’

  The two women hugged. ‘You can count on it.’

  35

  Floss lay in bed, exhausted. The birthday party had knocked the stuffing out of her, or maybe it was the bottle of wine she’d shared with Sarah afterwards. But she felt good too. It had been nice to see her old friend. It was so easy to talk to Sarah, a reminder of their yesterday world, when she and Floss and Jules had done everything together.

  She thought about Jules, stuck in a hostel near a Sydney hospital, and wished she’d known earlier so she’d been able to say something to her before she’d left. Just a small message of support to let her know she was thinking of her. Pru would know how to get a message to her. She’d ask.

  Andy lifted the covers and slid into bed alongside her. It was a rare treat to beat him to bed. ‘Thank you for your help today,’ she said.

  ‘It was a good party,’ he said, before putting his head down on his pillow. ‘I’m knackered.’

  ‘Too knackered to—’

  ‘Oh jeez, Floss,’ he said, rolling over and putting his back to her, ‘I said I was knackered, didn’t I?’

  She kept a lid on the impulse to snap back. ‘Too knackered to talk, I was trying to say.’

  ‘What about?’

  ‘I had an interesting conversation with Sarah.’

  He turned his head towards her. ‘Yeah? Did she behave herself?’

  ‘She did. Was that because you’d threatened her?’

  A pause. ‘She said that?’

  ‘She told me you said that if she didn’t behave herself, she’d have you to answer to.’

  He grunted and settled back down. ‘Well, fair enough too. I didn’t want her to upset you, that’s all. I remember how you were last time.’

  ‘You did that for me?’

  ‘Somebody’s got to look out for you.’

  ‘I didn’t think you cared.’

  ‘What?’ He rolled right over this time. ‘What are you talking about?’

  ‘Just that we don’t seem to be close lately. I got the impression you didn’t want to be with me anymore.’

  ‘Oh, that’s garbage.’

  ‘Is it? Because we never seem to make love these days.’

  He growled, and Floss knew she was on shaky territory, but she pressed on. ‘Annie asked me if we were going to get divorced.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I know. It shocked me too. At first. But then I got to wondering if that’s what you really wanted.’

  ‘Jesus, no.’ He sat up and raked his hands through his hair, his breath coming hard and heavy. ‘Look, Floss, I know I haven’t been exactly easy to live with lately, but I wasn’t planning on going anywhere. I—I love you.’

  ‘You do?’

  ‘Of course I do, you muppet. Come here,’ he said, reaching for her and pulling her into his arms, snuggling down under the covers with her.

  She went willingly. Enthusiastically. He kissed her head and she breathed in his warm, masculine scent. There was a momentary pang of guilt that, if Andy had been like this before, then maybe it would never have happened, but she suppressed it. She didn’t want to think about that now. She couldn’t afford to think about that now. She wanted to enjoy being held in the arms of the man she’d always loved.

  Body heat was a beautiful thing. She wouldn’t have said no if he’d asked for sex, but right now, it didn’t matter. Knowing she was still loved by Andy was
enough. Even if it was probably more than she deserved.

  As she lay safely entwined in her husband’s embrace, she squeezed her eyes shut and tried harder to destroy the memories of an afternoon that should never have happened. She felt Andy’s muscles twitch and his breathing become steady as he relaxed into sleep. God, would she ever not feel guilty about that day? Would she ever be able to relax and enjoy just being held by Andy again, instead of being beset by self-recrimination and feelings of remorse?

  Matt was gone now. Nobody should ever know. And when it all came down to it, was it that bad, what she’d done? It was only once, and she was sorry.

  And yet …

  She turned her face into Andy’s shoulder and breathed him in, a scent that was almost part of her. A scent she couldn’t live without. Why had she been kidding herself? She loved Andy. Had loved him from their school days together. Would love him always.

  She just prayed she hadn’t blown it.

  36

  Dot looked at the dining table set for two. ‘Are you going out again?’

  Sarah glanced up from the bench where she was preparing a salad to go with the tuna mornay that was browning under the grill. Anyone would think she was never home, although she’d seen Noah a mere two evenings since the fundraiser. ‘Yes,’ she said, ‘but I’ll get this on the table before I go, don’t worry.’

  ‘Off to see our policeman friend again?’ said Sam with a wink, rolling up his shirt sleeves as he joined them.

  ‘Well, I think you’re making a prize goose of yourself,’ Dot said. ‘It’s not like it can lead to anything. He’s going home in a few weeks.’

  ‘It doesn’t have to lead to anything,’ said Sarah, who was feeling way too good to be sucked down by her mother’s negative vibes. ‘That’s not the point. It’s just nice to—’ enjoy some hot sex ‘—enjoy some pleasant male company.’

  ‘Does he know you’re barren?’

  ‘Dorothy!’ Sam said, so loud that they almost missed the knock, and there was Noah at the open door.