If I Can't Have You

by Iris Morland

  He didn't answer right away. Mark seemed like the type of man who preferred to gather his thoughts before speaking. She waited—somewhat impatiently.

  "I wanted something completely my own," he said, "not something connected to my family. I wanted to own something that I'd built myself, and I wanted a place that was away from...everything."

  "From your family?"

  "I guess. My family can be a lot to handle. I didn't want to be under their thumbs. And I've always loved horses."

  And he'd started his ranch, most likely without much help, and it had flourished. How many people could say the same?

  "This might be a stupid question, but how do you maintain this place?" she asked.

  "You mean how do I make any money?" At her nod, he laughed a little. "From lots of things: cattle and dairy farming is one. I also rent acreage to other farmers for grazing. I have an apple orchard, and I recently began to sell goat's milk, but that's a smaller venture. And I've begun breeding horses."

  Her eyes lit with curiosity. "Wow. Impressive. And you do it all by yourself?"

  "Not exactly. You haven't met Charlie; he does a lot around here. I also have workers that milk the cows, other people that help with harvesting, things like that. But I take care of the horses and do a lot of the work myself."

  "Even with a broken arm?"

  His smile was wry. "Even with a broken arm."

  Abby smiled. "Does your family visit here often?"

  He shook his head. "My brothers have a few times, but they have their own lives. My parents have been here once. My mom..." He shrugged. "She's not much for ranching. She thinks it's beneath me."

  Abby had heard enough about Lisa Thornton to know what Mark meant by that statement. She couldn't blame him from wanting to leave Fair Haven with a mother like that.

  "I've always wondered what it would be like to have siblings." At his incredulous look, she laughed. "Really. It's lonely being an only child. You have five siblings, right?"

  "Yes, and they're a pain in the ass." Despite his words, she could tell he said that with affection. "I'm in the middle: two older brothers, and then two younger sisters and one younger brother."

  "What was it like, having that many siblings?"

  "Loud." He smiled, remembering. "Crazy. You never had any privacy. Me, Harrison and Caleb were always wrestling and getting into trouble, and then Seth joined us when he was older. The girls got into their own kind of trouble, although Lizzie would wrestle with us and then scream and cry when she lost. She was a brat." He smiled fondly.

  Abby's heart did a little twist. She wanted to hear everything about his childhood, his siblings, and his family. She wanted to know why he kept himself apart now. Avoiding his mother was one thing; what about the rest of his family?

  "But now everybody has their own lives," he said. He began to gather dishes to take to the sink. "So we aren't as close as we were when we were younger."

  "Your oldest brother is engaged, right? To Sara Flannigan?"

  "That's right."

  He didn't offer any opinions on his brother's upcoming nuptials. Did Mark want a wife? A family? She almost asked him, but right then, Darcy jumped up onto the counter and began to push at a glass with his paw.

  "Darcy! No!"

  Mark caught the glass before it fell right as Abby picked up the cat. Darcy meowed in protest.

  "Bad cat! Sorry, they love to knock stuff over."

  "It's fine. Thanks for making dinner." His eyes darkened a little. "It was good."

  Her heart did a little flip flop. "You're welcome."

  6

  After taking a shower and getting dressed for bed, Abby sat in her room and tried to read. Then she tried to watch TV, but she couldn't concentrate on anything. Finally, she tried to go to sleep, but Darcy and Wentworth decided that it was time to run around like demons, almost knocking over a lamp in the process.

  She shooed them out when they darted over her head. "I do not need a claw to the eyeball," she groused at them as they sprinted out into the dark hallway. Hearing a thump, she winced, hoping they didn't damage anything during their nightly play sessions.

  Leaving the door open a crack so the cats could come back in, she got into bed and stared at the ceiling. She couldn't sleep, though; not with everything she'd learned about Mark whirling in her brain. How did he manage to anger her one moment and pique her curiosity the next?

  The self-conscious part of her brain scolded herself, telling her that a man like him would never want her. Mousy nurse, remember?

  And yet, despite all evidence to the contrary, she didn't believe he'd meant those words. That didn't mean they hadn't hurt, but what had been the motivation to say them at all? A man who thought you were mousy didn't look at you like he wanted every inch of you.

  She hugged herself, shivering a little.

  Abby sighed, punching a pillow in her frustration with both herself and Mark. She refused to wallow, and she refused to let any stupid man make her feel badly about herself.

  So what if she weren't tall, blonde, and skinny? There were too many of those types of women in the world anyway. Why should she be another member of the status quo of supposed female attractiveness?

  She started when something thumped against her door. Thinking it was a cat, she got up to open the door wider, only to find that this was no cat.

  It was Mark—and he wasn't wearing a shirt.

  Good lord.

  Her eyes widened, her heart fluttering into her throat. With his defined pectorals, chiseled abdomen, and bulging arms, he was the definition of yummy.

  It was only when Mark made a noise in his throat that she realized she'd been staring. Was she drooling? Oh God, I'm an idiot.

  "One of your cats is under my bed," he said, his voice like dark chocolate and velvet wrapped together. "It won't come out."

  It took Abby a second to remember that she had a cat. Two cats, to be precise. All she saw was muscles, brown skin, and a man who made her mouth water. Sexy sexy sexy sexy sexy her mind chanted.

  Mark rubbed the back of his neck. "Uh, Abby?"

  She blushed to the roots of her hair. "Oh! Geez, yes!" She hurried past him. She'd been gawking at him like some teenage girl at her first boy band concert. She wanted to hide under the nearest rock and never come out.

  When she got to Mark's room, she heard the telltale howl of an unhappy cat. Wentworth paced nearby, his tail twitching.

  "Darcy? What are you doing under there?" She crouched down, flipping the comforter up, and she saw yellow eyes blinking at her. "Are you stuck?"

  Darcy mewed. It was a very pathetic mew, one she knew well. More than likely, he wasn't stuck; he was upset that he'd ended up in a room without Abby in it. Darcy was a total mama's boy.

  She clucked at him. "Come on, Darcy. Let's go to bed. Here, kitty, kitty, kitty. Come on. There you go, let's get out of Mark's room so he can go to sleep."

  After some more coaxing, Darcy emerged from under the bed. He meowed at Abby in question. She picked him up, and he started purring immediately.

  "Sorry about that," she said.

  To her immense disappointment, Mark had put on a shirt. A damn shame, she thought with a sigh.

  "I let them out of my room to play," she explained. "They probably got lost, being in a new place."

  "It's fine."

  He didn't say anything else, and so Abby took that as her cue to leave. But she didn't see Wentworth next to her foot. Bumping into the cat, she heard a howl of protest before she started to fall, Darcy tumbling from her arms. Both cats took off from the room like their tails were on fire.

  She heard an oof, and then a strong arm caught her. A few moments later, she looked up into Mark's dark green gaze, a gaze now filled with a heat that took her breath away.

  Mark had tried to get the damn cat out from under his bed himself, but he'd had no luck. So he'd had no choice but to find Abby, which he'd known was a terrible idea the second she'd opened her door, wearing nothing but
a tank top and shorts.

  Her outfit wasn't sexy in the usual sense: her shorts were rather billowy and her tank wasn't form-fitting, but on her, it was sexy. Her tank showed off the curve of her shoulders while the short shorts showed off her toned legs. He'd almost forgotten what he'd been about to say when she'd opened the door.

  Then, to make things worse, she'd had her round ass up in the air as she'd coaxed her cat from under the bed. He'd almost groaned at the sight, telling his unruly cock to calm itself because he was not going to do this.

  She was his guest. She was a good person.

  She had an ass that would make a god weep.

  And, now, he held her He'd reacted without thought when he'd seen her about to fall down, catching her in his arms. Now he had a warm bundle of heavenly-smelling female in his arms, and he didn't want to let her go.

  Abby's eyes were wide with surprise, a slight flush on her cheeks. Neither of them said anything.

  He wanted to say—oh, he didn't know. Everything and nothing.

  Mostly, he wanted to kiss her. For a second time. That kiss at the hospital? It hadn't been nearly enough.

  A voice in his head whispered that he should leave her alone, that she wasn't the woman for him. But he told that voice to shut the hell up. Leaning down, he waited for her to slap his face, or to tell him to let her go.

  Instead, her mouth opened slightly, and that was all the invitation he needed.

  When he pressed his mouth to hers, he groaned. Her lips were silky soft, like rose petals, needing her as close as possible. She whimpered and her hands rested on his chest. Could she feel how hard his heart was pounding? Because it was pounding so hard he couldn't catch his breath.

  The kiss was almost tentative at first. He felt rusty, unused to kissing, and she seemed shy in her response, like she wasn't sure how he'd react to her. But when he felt her breasts press against his chest, he deepened the kiss without another thought.

  Mark wasn't interested in poetry, or love songs, or anything sappy like that. He knew horses and he knew his ranch, and he'd had good sex with pretty women in his lifetime.

  But as he kissed Abby Davison, something that had been holding his heart chained began to loosen. He wondered if those poets had been onto something after all.

  But poetry reminded him of love and love reminded him of when he'd fallen for a woman who'd betrayed him, and everything came crashing back in an instant.

  He stilled; Abby stiffened. She pulled away, giving him a confused look. When he stepped back and shook his head, he saw hurt flash in her eyes.

  "I shouldn't have done that," he said. "I'm sorry."

  She breathed hard, a flush now on her chest. The redness deepened with his words, and guilt assailed him. He was a total ass. Hadn't he vowed to leave this woman alone?

  Maybe you should've considered that before you brought her to your damn house, he thought irritably.

  "You should go,” he said.

  Abby stiffened her spine and marched out of the room, not saying a word. He winced when he heard her bedroom slam a second later.

  7

  Abby had never been so happy to go to work. When the ER bustled with activity, one patient after another coming through its doors, she said a little prayer of thanks. It kept her mind off of other things.

  Things like Mark. And Mark kissing her.

  She'd barely slept the night before. Tossing and turning, her body hot with both desire and humiliation, she'd dreamed of kicking Mark in the shins. She'd dreamed of kissing him, and then maybe kicking him again for good measure.

  She'd tossed and turned so much that the cats had slept on a chair together instead of curled up next to her like they usually did.

  By the afternoon, Abby was finally able to sit down. She let out a sigh of relief when Janine handed her a cup of coffee.

  "Did you explain to Mrs. Finley that she can't drive while taking her medication?" she asked Janine before taking a long drink of her coffee. "I told her at least three times, but she kept interrupting me."

  Janine rolled her eyes. "Yeah, I told her, but I had to tell her husband to make sure she didn't drive. He understood me, at least."

  They both drank their coffee in silence, resting their feet until the next round of patients came through the ER doors. Today had been busy, but there hadn't been any cases more complicated than a broken toe or a heart attack scare that had turned out to be a panic attack.

  Normally Abby and Janine gossiped when they took their breaks, but Abby's thoughts were back at the ranch.

  How could one kiss knock her off of her feet like that? She'd felt it all the way in her bones. She'd felt like she was soaring—and then she'd fallen flat on her face when Mark had told her he hadn't meant to kiss her in the first place.

  Save me from idiotic men, she thought. Could they never make up their minds? One second they hated you, then they kissed you. Then they apologized for kissing you.

  When Abby had gotten up this morning, she'd considered taking the cats and leaving for good. She had no reason to stay. She didn't care if Mark told everyone about her ruse. The town would enjoy the story and Abby would suffer from the whispers and the talk, but she'd survive. She'd survived much worse.

  But something had stopped her from leaving. She told herself it was because she didn't have time to take the cats back to her place before going to work, but that had been a paltry excuse.

  "Are you all right?" Janine asked her, breaking her reverie.

  Abby almost sloshed coffee onto her hand. Grimacing, she nodded. "I'm fine. Just preoccupied."

  "Hmmm. You know, it's funny, a little bird told me something about you that I've been meaning to ask you about."

  "What did you hear?"

  "I heard that your lovely ex came by to bug you. But then he was sent away with his tail between his legs because, apparently, you're dating another guy."

  Turning to look her friend in the face, Abby had to bite back a smile at Janine's eager expression. "Who told you that?"

  "Doesn't matter. Is it true?" Janine leaned closer, lowering her voice to a whisper. "Are you dating Mark Thornton, aka, the hunkiest rancher ever?"

  Abby debated what she should tell her friend. Did she confess that the relationship was completely fake? That it had somehow gotten out of hand and now she was staying with Mark because her life was one bad decision after another?

  She sipped her coffee instead.

  "You're killing me!" Janine whined. "You have to give me the deets right now, otherwise I'm going to find out from someone else—"

  "Fine, fine! But you have to keep it to yourself." Abby whispered the next words: "We aren't really dating, but I am staying at his house."

  Janine's eyes widened until they were saucers. "What? Are you serious? Oh my God. So, wait, you aren't together? Now I'm confused."

  You're not the only one. "I might have told my mom when she was here that I was dating him, and he overheard me. One thing led to another..."

  "Oh my God, is he blackmailing you? Using you for his own illicit purposes?" Janine asked, her tone a mix of horror and excitement. Janine read a lot of thriller novels that tended to bleed into her everyday life.

  Abby laughed. "It's not that exciting. He wants me to help around the house in exchange for not telling everyone I lied about us dating."

  "That's boring, but also, kind of weird. That's all he wants? He's a Thornton, for Christ's sake! Like he can't hire an actual maid to scrub his floors?" Janine narrowed her eyes, assessing Abby. "There's more to this that you aren't telling me. I can feel it."

  Abby wished for an interruption right this moment. But when the universe gave her Derek, she wished she hadn't made a wish at all.

  "Oh good, there you are," Derek said cheerfully. "Do you have a second, Abs?"

  Why the hell would Derek not leave her alone? Janine, in her usual way, rolled her eyes. She knew all about Derek.

  "Janelle, you're looking well," Derek said. He smiled, his teeth gleaming
in the bright light of the hospital.

  Janine rolled her eyes again. "It's Janine. Abby, we should get back to work."

  "You go on; I'll join you in a bit.”

  When Janine looked like she was going to protest, Abby mouthed please. After another glare directed at Derek, Janine took off.

  "What is it?" she asked as she stood up. She tossed her coffee in a nearby trash can and waited. I wish I could toss him into a trash can.

  Derek tried to look abashed. "I'm sorry I keep bothering you like this, but you won't answer my calls or texts. I needed to see you." He lowered his voice. "I've missed you."

  She barely restrained herself from rolling her eyes. I'm plagued with idiotic men, aren't I?

  "Look, I have to get back to work. Can we talk later?"

  She tried to step away, but he caught her by the elbow. "I know, I screwed up. I get it. But I should never have let you go. It's something I've regretted every day since we broke up."

  He maneuvered them both so they were in an alcove, away from prying eyes and ears. "I want you back, Abby. Tell me it's not too late."

  She was completely at a loss. If he'd missed her so much, why tell her a year later? The old Abby would believe in his sincerity, but the more realistic Abby knew that this wasn't because he loved her. Or at least not the type of love she wanted anything to do with.

  "I already told you that we're over. When I said that a year ago, I meant it. We aren't good for each other. You know that as well as I do."

  Derek's lips thinned, and Abby saw the sharper edges of the man she'd once thought she loved. "Because you're with him now? Mark Thornton?"

  Hearing him say Mark's name sent a frisson of heat down her body, although it combined with an almost painful longing. "Yes, we're together," she said. "So whatever it is you think you need to say? Don't."

  She moved to leave, but he caught her arm. His grip tightened. When she looked at his expression, she almost shivered.

  "He'll never love you like I do. He's a Thornton. They only love their own. Do you think his family will let him be with a woman like you?" His voice turned into a whisper, but it still wrapped around her heart like barbed wire. "A woman who can't even be a real woman for him?"