Not According to Plan

by A. m Madden

  “Good,” I lied.

  “Does it normally take you six weeks to respond to an email?”

  “Email? What email?”

  “I didn’t have your phone number, and showing up at your place seemed creepy. So, even though in your note you insinuated not to contact you, I ignored it and sent you an email.”

  “You did?” I asked, genuinely shocked.

  “Yes. Jadeeast69@gmail.com, right?”

  His claim made me wonder where we’d be now if I had seen his email. “I never saw it. In my defense, I only use that email to get discounts and stuff.”

  “And here I thought you were ghosting me.” The humor in his voice forced my nausea to rise. At hearing silence, he then asked, “Is something wrong?”

  I wasn’t sure how to answer that. “Um…can we meet?”

  “Sure. I’m just catching up on paperwork.”

  “Actually, if it’s not too much trouble, can you come by here?”

  “I can be there in an hour. Are you sure you’re okay?”

  “Yeah,” I lied again. “It’s just been a long day. See you soon.”

  “Okay, give me your cell number in case I get held up.” After exchanging our phone numbers, I spent the next hour attempting to make myself presentable. Even a shower, applying some makeup, and wearing clothes other than pajamas did little to make me feel human.

  My hand automatically cradled my flat belly as I stared at myself in the mirror. I couldn’t find any joy deep within. And in that realization, I felt even worse over the situation. Babies brought joy. I knew many strong, successful women juggled a family and a career while making it look so easy. Regardless, I couldn’t manage to transform my worries into happiness.

  The foregone conclusion that my life would never be the same thrummed through my veins along with my blood. I screwed up.

  Could this even be considered a screw up? Shouldn’t screwing up be reserved for failing a test in school, neglecting to pay a bill, a fender-bender?

  Bearing a child from a stranger had to be defined much more profoundly than just screwing up.

  The intercom buzzing brought with it a new case of the shakes. Without delay, I stalked right toward it, even if it was false bravado, because if I hesitated in any way, I wouldn’t have answered at all. I pressed the entry button after checking to make sure it was him.

  A minute or so later, he emerged from the elevator, looking all kinds of gorgeous in a tight black T-shirt and well-worn jeans.

  “Hi, Max.” It took me longer than it should have to add, “Come in.” One look at those stunning green eyes and I was finished before I even started.

  He saw right through my false bravado—of course he did, because my stiff body language was screaming, “I’m not okay!”

  Max engulfed me in his arms. “What is it, Jade? Are you sick?” he asked, placing warm lips against my forehead.

  Shaking my head, I savored the feel of him holding me for what would probably be the last time.

  He held tighter, spoke softer, and ripped me wide open. “Hey, I’m here. Whatever you need, I’m here,” he whispered before kissing the top of my head, caressing my back with long, comforting strokes.

  Oh, how I wanted his words to be true, silently implored the universe that he’d feel the same conviction in the next few minutes. Greedily, I couldn’t bring myself to break the hold he had on me.

  What seemed like hours later, I somehow mustered the courage to pull out of his embrace and look up at him. His smile could melt the thickest layer of ice on a winter day. Then it faltered.

  “Jade, you’re scaring me.” He cupped my cheek, and I closed my eyes to revel in the roughness of his calloused fingers, the warmth of his skin. But I couldn’t depend on that electric connection we had the first night we met. That wouldn’t get us through reality and have us emerge at the end unscathed. Only love could do that, and that missing ingredient couldn’t be picked up off a grocery store shelf like a bottle of vanilla extract to make things taste better.

  I dragged in a breath and said, “We need to talk, Max.”

  He searched my face, concern evident in his drawn brows. “Okay.”

  We walked toward the couch and sat side-by-side. He crossed an ankle over a knee, angled his body toward mine, and laid his muscular arm along the back of my couch. The confidence in his posture gutted me. In mere seconds, I could cause it to evaporate into thin air. I could kill that confidence with a few words.

  “Jade. What is it?” His eyes tracked my trembling hand as I raised it to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear.

  Time to get this over with. “I’m pregnant.”

  …

  Max

  My heart rate spiked at her admission. All the blood drained from my face as those two little words stunned me silent. I’d be lying if I said my initial reaction was anything other than complete shock.

  “Are you sure?” I asked pathetically, my throat constricting with each breath I took.

  “Yes. I’ve been to the doctor. I’m due in March.”

  Only four months after my first child would come. I could literally feel a panic attack coming on. But I quickly forgot my own angst at seeing such raw anguish written on her face. I watched as she struggled and failed to keep her expression void of emotion despite a sheen in her eyes and a slight tremble of her hands, all of which meant she was as thrown by this as I was. By dragging in a deep breath, I attempted to pull it together for her sake.

  “I’m so sorry, Max,” she added, but only above a whisper, as I raked a hand through my hair.

  “This isn’t your fault, Jade.”

  It felt like an eternity passed as we sat dead silent until she finally spoke again. “I know you don’t know me, and saying it’s yours means little, but I will have a paternity test.”

  “What? No. I believe you.”

  “Well, I’m more than willing to. You have no reason to trust me, and I’m sure this must be a complete shock. I understand if you need time to think this through. Max, please know I don’t expect you to…”

  “Jade, stop.” I held her gaze and said firmly, “There’s nothing to think through.” Seeing relief in those gorgeous brown eyes caused my racing heart to calm a bit. I placed a soft, reassuring kiss on her lips. “You won’t have to deal with this alone. I’m here, for the baby…and for you. You’re pregnant with my child, Jade. We’re in this together.”

  With those words, I hoped I was able to calm her reservations even as my own violently spun out of control. It was difficult enough to have one unexpected baby on the way—now I had two.

  How was I going to tell Jade? How was I going to tell Tracey? And my brothers. Fuck. They would never let me live this down.

  Chapter Eight

  Jade

  On Saturday, I arrived at my parents’ party earlier than needed so I could spend more time with them.

  Because I was always so busy with work, my sister Sapphire did a great job pulling together the modest party. She’d reserved a small room in our parents’ favorite restaurant for twenty or so of their closest friends and family to celebrate.

  An impressive buffet was ready to be consumed. And a son of a neighbor worked a wireless speaker, acting as a DJ.

  I wasn’t ready to share my baby news yet, but I was glad I came. I needed their unconditional love to comfort me, especially now. Truth be told, the reality that I couldn’t get good and drunk to escape my new reality sucked a little. At least the cake was yummy and turned out to be the best part of the night.

  That was until my dad came to stand beside me and asked, “Can I have this dance, beautiful girl?” Holding out a hand, he waited for me to accept.

  His eyes crinkled with his smile as he led me to the dance floor. “How is my Jadie?” The use of my nickname caused a lump of emotion to form in my throat.

  �
�Good,” I said, forcing a smile. “Busy. Same old, same old.”

  “You look tired. Still kicking the asses of those stuffed suits you work for?” When his statement failed to humor me, his eyes settled on mine. I felt so young under his gaze, so exposed. “You okay, sweetheart?”

  “Yeah, I’m fine.”

  Unconvinced, he kissed the top of my head. “I know you are. You’ve always been tough as nails, a fighter, master of your own destiny.”

  I held my dad’s gaze and gave him an unwavering, “I get that from you.”

  As we danced, he made me laugh with stories of things I missed in our small town. I couldn’t help but wonder how my parents were going to react to my news. My family was always very supportive, and I had no doubt they would be so in my situation, but they were extremely traditional. No matter how I tried to spin it, the truth would always be my child was conceived with a stranger.

  With each slow sway to the music, my mind drifted to all the monumental things I’d have to do in the next few weeks: telling my family I was pregnant, introducing them to the father, formulating a game plan on how I would raise a child while juggling a very demanding job.

  That’s what I needed, a plan. Once I laid out all I needed to do and scheduled it into my life, I’d be fine. I was still wobbling a bit on unstable ground, from the initial shock of the positive test and the emotional exhaustion from having to tell Max. But now…now I had to take back the control I lost and create my own solid ground to stand on. I didn’t have the luxury of time. The baby would be born in March whether I was ready or not.

  When the song ended, my father wrapped his arms around me in a strong hug. “Jade, I’m very proud of you. You’ve accomplished amazing things in your work, but work can’t be the only thing in your life. I’ll be happy once you meet a wonderful man, settle down, have a family. You deserve all of it, my sweet girl. Please, don’t let life pass you by without living it.”

  And what if all that he wanted for me came out of order? Would he still be proud?

  Nothing I could do to change that now. One step at a time. I mustered a smile and kissed my father’s cheek before watching him joyfully saunter over to a group of friends. I hated disappointing him, and now was no different. He loved me. He’d get over it…I hoped.

  Planning to escape to the ladies’ room, just as I plucked my purse off the table, Sapphire walked toward me.

  “You look awful,” my sister said before plopping down on a chair at our table while holding her daughter, Everly.

  My eyes traveled down the front of my pale blue dress. “Gee, thanks.”

  “I don’t mean how you’re dressed. You’re pale, and all night it looked as if you were about to throw up at any moment.” Choosing to ignore that truth, I sat beside her and reached for my niece. Sapphire blocked me with a hand. “Are you still sick?” she asked. Oh, right. The lie I fed her when she called and discovered I’d been home and not at work. “I don’t need the flu in my house.”

  “Very sick, but only to you. Maybe you should go sit over there.” Sapphire smacked my arm, although I was dead serious. “Relax,” I said. “I’m not contagious. Give me her.” I snatched my favorite toddler and buried my face in her hair, getting a good whiff of that intoxicating scent of baby shampoo that seemed to instantly calm me. “God, I love her smell.” Having my niece in my arms seemed a validation that soon enough I would revel in that wonderful smell with my own child.

  “Me, too. I told Greg I’d keep having babies just because of their smell,” she said wistfully. “Although they don’t always smell so good.”

  I narrowed my eyes, wondering if she was hiding something. “Are you trying?” My sister had always wanted three kids, maybe four. And based on how quickly they started after they were married, I suspected once Everly turned two, she’d be announcing she was pregnant any day. Which could mean we’d be pregnant at the same time.

  “No.” She stroked a hand over her daughter’s chestnut curls. “We’re discussing it. Part of me feels I’m not done yet. Then there are days when I’m so exhausted because Kenner and Everly are fighting, the house is a mess, and all I can think about is lying on a beach with a good book. Can you move along, meet Mr. Wonderful, and get married so I can enjoy more babies through your offspring?”

  I deflected her question and pointed the conversation back to her. “I gather the discussing isn’t going well?”

  “Greg wants us to be done.” We both glanced at her husband, who was busy chasing my nephew. “Do you know what Kenner said this morning?”

  “The F-word again?” The kid was like a parrot.

  “No, thank God. He said he wanted to sell Everly and use the money to buy a puppy.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh, and the way Sapphire glared at me only made me laugh harder. “What? That doesn’t surprise me. He’s four, and she’s an annoying toddler that gets into his stuff.”

  Before she could respond, a piercing wail echoed through the party room. Greg held a red-faced Kenner, attempting to console him.

  “Now what?” Sapphire muttered and left me without a “see ya later.”

  Watching as she stalked toward the scene of the crime, her body type was so similar to mine I wondered if I could borrow her maternity clothes.

  Everly was still on my lap, absentmindedly playing with my necklace, pulling my attention back to her. I tried to imagine my own child. Would it be a boy, a girl?

  I would find out soon enough. The truth hit me hard again. I’m going to be a mom…

  But this time, instead of fear, a tiny flutter of excitement coursed through me. I could do this. It would be a challenge, for sure, but when have I ever been one to back down from a challenge?

  Chapter Nine

  Max

  Since leaving her the night before, disbelief, fear, and bewilderment all created a vortex of emotion within me.

  Saturday, I moved through the day on autopilot, seamlessly handling all my responsibilities at the gym, never giving anyone a reason to suspect my mind was a million miles away.

  Can I be a decent father to two children by two different women in two places at the same time?

  Of course I can, and I will. Or at least I’ll try my best…

  Back and forth, the pendulum swung between doubt and determination. I dreaded the long night I faced alone with my thoughts in my empty apartment. As a last-minute decision, I headed to Brad’s Tavern instead.

  I assumed it would have been a good distraction. I thought wrong. Noisy bar patrons talked around me as I stared into my glass containing amber-colored liquid that failed to numb me. All I could think about was Jade. The uncertainty in her eyes when she told me she was pregnant combined with the anxiety evident by her trembling hands.

  Fuck…I should have done more to comfort her…to just be with her.

  Instead, I sat among strangers, distractedly watching a game on TV while nursing my second scotch and still wondering how I was going to handle two babies and move forward with my business goals.

  Behind the bar, Brad came over to me and just stared.

  “What?” I said.

  “You’ve been sitting here looking like your best friend died. I’m taking a break. Come with me.”

  He snatched my drink and walked through the hinged opening at the opposite end of the bar, heading straight for his office. Like an idiot, I followed, and once I stepped inside, he slammed the door. “Sit,” he said and returned my scotch.

  Normally, I’d have a snarky response toward his attempt of authority over me, but it wasn’t in me tonight.

  I sank onto the worn leather chair facing his desk as he sat on his side of it, shaking his head.

  “You have to deal with it, man. It truly sucks how things turned out, but shit happens.” Bottle green eyes exact to mine drilled a hole through my face.

  “What the hell are you talki
ng about?” I asked.

  “Tracey being pregnant.” His confirmation came along with a smirk. He waggled a finger at me before adding, “Isn’t that why you’re back to wallowing again?”

  “No. It isn’t. I’ve come to terms with that.”

  Brad failed to hide his confusion. “So what the hell is going on with you, then? You work, you disappear to Miami, you hide in your apartment. After you had that hottie Jade, I thought maybe she’d help you get back on the horse. I know it’s been a while—call her.”

  I scrubbed a hand over my face with a frustrated grunt and met his stare. “Jade’s pregnant.” Funny how saying it out loud made it even more real.

  Brad simply blinked. “Karaoke Jade?”

  “No, I met another Jade the next day and knocked her up.” On my snide remark, his mouth hung open in shock.

  “No shit?”

  “No shit.”

  “Well, damn.” The air conditioner clicked on with an annoying hum and droned for a few seconds before he added, “Congrats?”

  The man looked as bewildered over the news as I felt. “Yeah, thanks. Very genuine.”

  “Sorry, I just never expected to hear you say that. Cut me a break. I didn’t know you two are a thing.”

  “We aren’t,” I said on an eye roll.

  “It was that one night?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Huh…two kids with two women? You’re like a walking reality TV show.”

  Fuck, wasn’t that the truth. “Not helping, dude.”

  “So now what?”

  “I don’t know.” We were strangers. Aside from knowing she was trying to become partner at her law firm and romance wasn’t something she had time for, I barely knew her.

  “It was obvious you were crazy about her. Date her,” Brad said, as if that would solve everything.

  I threw him an incredulous look. “She isn’t looking for a relationship, and neither am I.”

  “Except now you have one through this baby, whether you want it or not.”