Three Times The Rake (The Northumberland Nine Series Book 3)
Page 14
Georgie pulled her hand away to cover her mouth. Her skin felt ice cold under her hands, or perhaps it was her hands that had lost warmth and feeling.
“To protect you and your sisters we must marry,” he repeated.
Her heart pounded in her ears. Did she hear him correctly? Was this a proposal? It didn’t feel like one. It felt more heavy and dreary, like a sentencing.
“I don’t understand.”
“I’m not a gentleman, but I have my honor, and duty dictates we marry if I have compromised you.”
Bloody hell. What in God’s name was he saying? Was she expected to accept such a dreadful request? Duty? Honor? Her heart and her head rejected both of those words. Her heart wanted only love from him and her head, the more reasonable of the two, replayed all his dire predictions about what a terrible life his wife would have. She couldn’t agree to that now, not after all that had happened. She’d lost her heart to him. And to have to endure being his wife, but still separated from him, ignored, second to his pursuits of success, would be worse than torture. She wanted a real marriage or nothing at all.
“No,” she said.
His face blanked. “No?”
“You said you would not marry to spare your wife the misery you and your mother endured. Why now would I agree to such a life? Because you may have compromised me? I think not.”
“Georgie…”
You don’t love me.
That was what she truly wanted to say, but she choked down the words. If she said them and he… She couldn’t take hearing it out loud.
“Think of your sisters,” he pleaded.
“I’ve spent my entire life thinking of nothing else but the care of my sisters. But I won’t give up my life for this. For someone else’s duty and honor. I have a duty to myself.”
He leaned back in his chair. “You won’t marry me?”
“Not for the reasons you’ve given.”
He ran a hand through his hair. “Your reputation will be ruined. Your sisters will carry the shame of scandal, rendering them unmarriageable as well.”
Georgie folded her arms and shivered. “You don’t know that.”
“The gentlemen have already discussed it this evening. They know something happened today. It’s only a matter of time before the who, the what, and the where become the main course for the gossipmongers from here to London. You’ll all be outcasts.”
“We’re already outcasts,” Georgie muttered.
He set his hands on the table rattling the glass and his fist clenched. “I can’t protect you if you won’t carry my name.”
“I can protect myself.”
“Not from this.”
Georgie leaned forward, her own temper slipping. How dare he turnabout face and then act as though she was being unreasonable!
“You don’t want to marry. You made that clear,” she returned.
He scrubbed his hands over his face. “But…I’ve changed my mind.”
“Because of duty.”
“You don’t know these people like I do. Lady Kirkland’s guests will carve you up for pure entertainment. All thoughts of making matches for your sisters, of bettering your circumstances will be gone. Your family will be a laughingstock, no longer infamous for the simple notion of nine poor daughters that need to wed but ruined. Tarnished, rendered soiled.”
Georgie’s lip trembled. “This isn’t right. I can’t agree to marriage because of something others might do.”
“Think of your future, Georgie. What will happen if none of you marry? When your father dies who will provide for you?”
“We’ve provided for ourselves.”
“But your home won’t be yours any longer, your land, your animals, the very bed you sleep in becomes the property of your cousin. What will you do then?”
Georgie clenched her teeth. She pushed away from the table and stood. “I don’t know. But the answer isn’t a loveless marriage to you. If you know me at all—if you care for me at all, you wouldn’t ask me to do such a thing.”
He left his chair and came to her, standing close but not touching her. “I do care for you. It is why I insist we marry.”
“Insist. What a romantic word.”
He touched her arm. “Please,” he said, his voice softer.
Georgie closed her eyes for a moment. The warmth of his hand, though hardly a caress, woke all her deeper feelings again, the ache for him, the desire that he’d woken inside her, and though still new and raw, her love.
She’d only dreamed of love, but to feel it, and still be so far from being able to share it, broke her heart in two. Everything they’d done, everything they’d shared had brought her here, but she could go no further, not unless he could love her in return.
But he couldn’t.
He’d made the choice to put his business first, and nothing he said now indicated he’d changed his mind. Unless…
“What of your business’? You said it came first but if we married, what then? Would you change your mind about that too or condemn me to the same life your mother had? What of children, would our children suffer as you did?”
His face hardened. “What are you asking me?”
“I can’t marry a man who puts his family second. Family is all I know. I didn’t have much growing up, but I had an abundance of love and affection. I won’t live the rest of my life starved of those things. No matter what happens. I will still be with my sisters and I will still have those things. Maybe we’ll be poor beggars, but we’ll have each other. I won’t be alone. With you, I would be alone.”
He let go of her arm. “I can’t give you what I don’t know how to give.”
“Then we’re done here. I won’t marry you, even if the king himself demands it.”
His jaw flexed. “This is how it ends between us?”
Georgie shrugged, though she was far from ambivalent. Her insides were hollow, her heart a sad drum beating into an empty void. “It was always going to end.”
He pivoted away, running a hand through his hair, grabbing a fistful in anger.
Georgie couldn’t take anymore. She thought she had cried enough today, but all she wanted was to break down again and lose herself in her tears. But there was no more time for that. She’d bury it deep in the wound on her heart, stitch it closed, and pretend it didn’t exist. That was the only way she could go on.
“Goodbye, Mr. Cage.”
She left him in conservatory. He didn’t stop her. He didn’t say a word.
Chapter 18
Gavin stood utterly still. He heard her leave, but he feared if he moved, he’d break everything in sight.
There was no point in stopping her. There was nothing left to be said. He’d made a perfectly reasonable argument for why they should marry. The society he knew far more closely than she did hinged on good reputation. A whispered word could end the aspirations of even a wealthy heiress. What would become of a penniless woman?
Terrible things.
But Georgie didn’t understand. Her view of the world was so narrow she just couldn’t comprehend the danger that surrounded her. Her stubbornness infuriated him. Yet, that same stubbornness had helped her all these years. He had to admire that about her.
Luckfeld entered, and Gavin hid his despair behind his usual mask.
“What happened?”
“Nothing.”
“Does she know what’s at stake?”
“I’ve done all I can to convince her.”
“I find that hard to believe.”
“What are you implying?” Gavin snapped.
“The more I ponder the two of you, the more it makes sense.”
“You’re talking nonsense.”
“No. You’re being a stubborn ass. Can you not see what is now more obvious than the sun in the sky?”
Gavin folded his arms and presented his back.
Luckfeld laughed. “You love her.”
Gavin rolled his eyes, but his chest tightened. “Stop uttering nonsense.”
“Did you propose?”
Gavin tensed. “Yes.”
“And she refused, I’m guessing, since I didn’t have to come pry you apart.”
Gavin’s teeth clenched. He wasn’t above using Luckfeld’s face to vent his frustration.
She’d said no. What could he do about it? All he wanted to do was protect her from the threat that loomed. The proposal hadn’t been thought out, but once he said the words, he couldn’t take them back. It made sense. It felt like the right thing. But then she’d sat there, stunned, angry, and worst of all—the part that sliced at his heart—hurt. She was hurting because of him.
A wave of guilt overcame him. He turned to the table and sat, his bones weary.
“I mucked it up.”
“Obviously. I should have coached you.”
“What do you know about proposing to a woman?”
“I know it needs to be done with feeling. Marriage is never a solution to a problem to a woman.”
“But that’s what is happening. There is a problem and our marriage is the solution.”
“Not to her. Women are comprised of emotions and marriage is an emotional arrangement, even the arranged marriages of old.”
“Georgie isn’t like that. She’s practical. She makes choices based on what’s important.”
“Her emotions aren’t important?”
Gavin felt like he was losing his mind. Luckfeld couldn’t be this intelligent about women, could he? He didn’t know Georgie like Gavin did. Georgie was not a typical woman raised in the shelter of a wealthy home, fed luxuries, and spoiled with safety.
Her world was different from his and Luckfeld’s. Built upon needs for food and shelter. Which from that perspective, he could see how little she would care for the threat of rumor and gossip. But she was wrong. Those things could hurt her just as much and make whatever hardships she’d endured before seem miniscule.
Gavin had the unique perspective of coming from the merchant class. He was wealthy since birth thanks to his father’s grueling work ethic, but he also rubbed elbows with his workers and he’d walked the streets of the poor neighborhoods of London. He knew what starvation looked like and the limited avenues for women to find work without an untarnished name.
He dropped his head into his hands.
What would happen to her? If her father died, where would she go? Would the duke and duchess take all nine women in?
He hated that her future was so uncertain that he could see her among the faces in his mind. The many beggars he’d seen in the streets, women driven to protestation, living in squalor and forced into the work houses.
It was absurd, the images in his mind driven by fear and not rational thinking. That wouldn’t happen to her. He’d never let it.
“What do I do?” he asked, his throat burning.
“Use emotion. You feel a great deal for her.”
He did. More than he’d ever felt for anyone. These feelings were so new and volatile that he didn’t know how to corral them. Gavin resisted emotions. They were messy and complicated, changing as swiftly as the wind.
“You want me to manipulate her.”
Luckfeld scoffed. “No. Use what is already there between you to convince her. Capitalize on the passion between you.”
“Seduce her,” he said, bitterly. He couldn’t do that to her. Their relationship until now had hinged on their honesty to each other.
“You’ve already seduced her. Make her want more. Make her understand that by marrying you, there are perks.”
“I can’t. I’ve already convinced her that marriage to me would be a nightmare.”
Luckfeld frowned. “What?”
“Because my business comes first. I don’t want to repeat my father’s mistakes.” Why did no one understand this? He couldn’t erase the pain of his childhood.
“Then don’t.”
“It isn’t that easy.”
Luckfeld stood and threw up his hands. “You’re right. There is no answer to this problem. You don’t love her, and she doesn’t love you. You’re both stubborn blind fools—”
“Enough,” Gavin barked.
“I’m only trying to help but you don’t want to see the truth.”
“She said no.” And his ears were still ringing from it.
Luckfeld strolled to the door. “And ‘no’ can never turn into yes.”
“Are you suggesting I force her?” Gavin asked with disdain.
Luckfeld paused. “Dear God, when have either of us had to force women to love us?”
“We are not talking about love.” That single word had the ability to turn his stomach. His only experience with love had been his mother and father. His mother had loved his father, and it had nearly destroyed her, a poison that killed from within. He didn’t want to love someone or carry the burden of being loved by someone. It only led to pain.
“Aren’t we, though?”
“No.” He wiped his brow, his heart hammering, his lungs tight as he tried to draw breath. This was what he had always worked to avoid. Complications, affairs turning sour, broken hearts, anger, hate. He should have been able to see this coming. He should have listened when his gut warned him to stay away from her. But…he couldn’t regret it. He didn’t want to take back their time together. She was worth the pain, worth every drop of blood and sweat he might shed because of it.
Luckfeld raised a brow. “You and I have been friends for a long time. I excel at reading people, seeing beyond their facades, and right now I see you clearly, but you refuse to look at yourself. You love her.”
“I…” His voice died. He couldn’t say it. The words I don’t love her would not touch his tongue. He didn’t know. He’d never loved a person, outside of the feelings he had for his mother, but that wasn’t nearly the same. The feelings Georgie stirred in him swirled together into something he could not name. He fell back into the chair and held his head.
Was this love?
Had it been staring him in the face all this time?
It went against everything he thought he knew about himself. He’d purposefully avoided close connection to his paramours, keeping a wall between his heart and his baser needs.
“I think I’ve said enough,” Luckfeld said. “You need to think now. Go to bed, Gavin.” Luckfeld pushed through the conservatory door and Gavin was now alone with his thoughts, the pounding of his heart loud enough to echo in the room.
Indeed. He needed to think, he needed to evaluate this new realization with the same intensity he reserved for his businesses. He had no experience with love, and yet this decision felt greater than any he had ever made before. The weight bore down on him, and his world shifted. He pressed his eyes closed, but all he could see was Georgie. She was the center of this storm inside him, her voice, her laughter, her scent swirling around him, ravaging his will, stirring chaos inside him he didn’t know how to control.
“I’m a Georgie and I prefer kissing you.”
He snorted, the memory of that moment coming back to him, the sheer relief, the wonder washing over him. She was the most remarkable woman he’d ever known. Strong but not afraid of her weakness. In the time he’d known her, he’d learned so much about her and yet it wasn’t enough. He still wanted more. More of her teasing, more of her wicked curiosity, more of her crazed kisses that made him more aroused than an expert courtesan ever could.
Would he ever get enough of her? Was he fooling himself thinking he could walk away at the end of this party?
He sobered, straightening in his chair.
He didn’t know what the future held for him and Georgie, but he knew beyond all doubt that they were not over. He was not going to leave without a fight, without her knowing exactly what she meant to him.
As soon as he could figure it out himself and put it in the right words.
Chapter 19
Georgie would have
preferred to avoid the breakfast parlor and take a tray in her room, but Jeanie came to collect her and dragged her down the stairs. The smell of fresh toast convinced her to stay, and she gladly filled a plate and took a seat beside Jeanie. Lifting a teacup to her lips, she saw someone enter from the corner of her eye and nearly spat out hot tea.
“Father?” she asked with a frown. He peered around the room in obvious agitation.
“Where is Bernadette?” he asked loudly, startling everyone.
Georgie peered around. “She’s not yet come down, it seems.”
“That girl has run off I tell you.” He wagged his finger and pivoted to leave the room.
Georgie and Jeanie shared a startled glance before running after him, but he was just outside interrogating Anne.
“Where is Bernadette? Lord Kirkland just informed me that she’s been compromised but refuses to marry the lad. I’ll not have it. I’ve sacrificed so much for all of you. Bernie will marry him. I will see to it!”
Georgie froze. What did he just say? Bernie was compromised?
“She…” Anne paused, her face going pale. “I would assume she’s in the breakfast parlor, with all my other sisters.”
“She is not,” Mr. Marsden cried.
A crowd was gathering now, and Georgie wanted to melt into the wall and disappear. This was the scandal Gavin had mentioned. But…Bernie. Oh God. Georgie looked around. She hadn’t seen Bernie in the breakfast room. Where was she? Was she truly missing?
The dowager duchess appeared, followed by Violet and Weirick and approached his father with a smile intended to calm him.
“Mr. Marsden, how lovely to see you this morning. I’ve been informed that you were inquiring after Bernadette’s whereabouts?”
“I must take her to meet with Lord Kirkland and Mr. Rupert, her fiancé,” her father demanded. “We will depart for Scotland at once.”
Georgie covered her mouth to hide her gasp. Scotland? Now she was glad Bernie was missing. She would not let anyone force her sister to marry, not even her father. She glanced around and her gaze locked with Gavin’s. He was witnessing the fall of the Marsden family along with everyone else. Would he be relieved she hadn’t agreed to marry him now? He wouldn’t have to deal with this madness any longer, or be forever tied to her family’s misfortune.