The Fiancé (It's Just Us Here Book 6)

by Christopher X Sullivan

  “You’re not my friend,” Suhail yelled, pointing his finger at Mark. “You’re the reason Mel and I cooled off in the winter. You were always looking at me, waiting.”

  “I was not,” Mark denied.

  “You cornered me on New Year’s and asked where he was living!”

  “Well... I knew it wasn’t with you! And I wanted to make sure he was alright.”

  “He wasn’t alright, you asshole! Shit. You shouldn’t be here.”

  Suhail could not get over this development and he was punishing himself for his part in the drama. I watched his reaction without emotion—his negativity didn’t mean a thing to me. I had committed to Mark. I had flipped the switch again. Mark and I were a couple again, and I wasn’t going to be the one to back out.

  In that moment, Mark took up all of my top ten priorities and Suhail was way down the list.

  “Snitch,” I said tentatively. “Can you keep this one secret for me? Please?”

  Suhail sighed. “Why do you do this to me? I didn’t sign up for this.” He wiped his face again. Then he nodded his head while his face was still covered by his fingers. “I won’t speak of this until you come clean. But if she guesses, or asks questions about you... or if Mark is acting weird this weekend—” He took a deep breath. “I can’t make any promises, but I won’t be the one to tell.” He stopped his mental hand-wringing and stared Mark in the face with a long, sad look. “Just don’t do what—”

  “I won’t,” Mark promised quickly. He gripped my shoulder in a half-hug. “We were meant to be together.”

  “Don’t go there,” I said.

  “We were!”

  “Now is not the time to bring up that shit.”

  Suhail smiled weakly. “It looks like you two are picking up where you left off. You always did talk like an old married couple.”

  To me it felt like Mark and I were acting unusual. I felt every phrase bounce through my head before passing over my lips and I tried to censor myself so that Mark wouldn’t be offended. I tried to stay on simple, positive topics... but being exposed to Suhail’s dramatic frustration had brought out some of the old us.

  Maybe we’re making progress.

  I ARRIVED AT MY PARENTS’ house at exactly the same time as was normal. Everything was normal. I acted completely normal. We ate a normal dinner. We made normal conversation.

  “You seem happy,” my mom said. “Success with the app?”

  “Do I?” I prayed that my voice didn’t crack. “I guess it has been going better than planned. We’re ahead of schedule, but Nick keeps freaking out.”

  “That’s good to hear.”

  My dad chimed in. “How’s Suhail doing? Haven’t seen him in a while.”

  “Well... he’s moving out on us,” I said. My parents nodded and were unemotional about the news. “I figured out why he hasn’t been around as much lately, why he hasn’t come to as many dinners recently.”

  “Suhail was so nice,” my mom said. “Such a nice young man. I’m sorry he’s leaving.”

  “He has a girlfriend.” I let out an involuntary sigh.

  “Good for him,” my dad said quickly. “It was nice to have him over for dinner, but I thought it was going to be a one-time thing.”

  My mother shot him a dirty look and I was pretty certain that she also kicked his shin. “Tell Suhail he’s welcome in our house anytime. I know the two of you boys were in a tough spot for a while.”

  “I wasn’t in a tough spot,” I denied.

  “We all were,” my mother whispered gently. “Grandma passed away... and everything seems to be moving so fast. We’re trying to sell Grandpa’s boat, but he just won’t let it go. You know how it is. And then you were shaken up by your accident.”

  “I wasn’t in a tough spot,” I said again. I had never told them about the pills, or about the true reason for my despair. I never told them anything... and had been like that my whole life. They didn’t know I was a writer until I was making over a thousand dollars a month and yelled at my dad to give me more alone time.

  I had always been a secretive guy.

  “Tell Suhail that we expect to see him for Thursday dinner. I’ll make enough for the entire crew. We can eat at your place and celebrate.”

  “I’ll let the guys know. You know you don’t have to do that for us, right?” In addition to having me over for Tuesday family dinner, my mom had made dinner for me every Thursday since February. She would bring it to my apartment and leave it for me, Nick, Suhail and Travis.

  “Someone has to feed you boys.”

  “I’m almost thirty.”

  “You’ll always be my little boy,” my mom said. I shook my head, but she wasn’t done with me. “But this week we’re doing something special. I want to make Suhail’s favorite and there better be enough table room for all six of us.”

  “Of course there will be,” I said. “I’ll put my tables together and we’ll set up in the living room.” My modular table came in handy in our tiny apartment.

  “Good,” Mom said, like we had completed a contract negotiation.

  “And what’s going on with his room? Are you moving in? You’ve got to have the tiniest room I’ve ever seen. Even your bedroom in our old house wasn’t that small.”

  “I’m staying in my room,” I said. Oh, and I'm actually going to be sleeping with Mark! “Travis is going to move in with us, at least for the rest of the summer.”

  “Oh!” my mom said. “It’s so good of you to reunite with your friend from college. I always liked Travis.”

  Nothing more was mentioned about my living situation. I tried to act as normal as possible. My mother worried about all the changes in my life—she knew how I could get overwhelmed by the uncertainty. I said everything was going smoothly and that it felt like my group of coders had control of our destiny instead of relying on pure luck.

  “And the grant runs through the end of the summer?”

  “We can probably squeeze a few extra weeks, but yeah. I can’t keep Travis around if we don’t get this next grant. And the competition is going to be fierce. We need to have a functioning and intuitive interactive experience.”

  “Don’t stress yourself out. You know what stress does to you.” My mother was always worried about my autoimmune disorder. “When is your next book party? Surely that will be something to look forward to?”

  “I’ve put that on hold,” I said. That was the closest I ever got to admitting the truth to my parents. I hadn’t told them about the pause in my writing career because I was ashamed by my failure. It was funny how one little lie about my original relationship with Mark had snowballed into one huge deception. Because of Mark’s book release party, my parents had finally started to see me as a proper author... but because of how Mark destroyed my confidence, I no longer was.

  Dinner was great. I left my parents’ house feeling like it had been a completely normal dinner. Everything was normal. Everything was fine.

  I drove to Mark’s apartment and let myself in with the key he had given me that morning. I wandered through his place—our place—and relaxed for the first time that day. It felt like I had been fighting everyone—fighting to keep some things secret, fighting to convince other people to give Mark a chance, fighting myself to make sure Mark got a real chance.

  Mark was wearing a plain white tee that hugged his chest. He was somewhat bulkier than when I was with him last year. He was still the most handsome man I had probably ever seen in real life. That face... those eyes. Almost cat-like eyes. Perfect cheekbones that made slanted planes and those gently curving lines around his mouth and eyes. His mouth... he could smile so infectiously. He was always grinning.

  And his hair was dirty blond.

  “What?” Mark asked. “What’s with that look? Don’t I get a hug?”

  “I liked your brown hair better.”

  “I can dye it again,” Mark said. “I’m done with those photo shoots. But this is my natural summer color. It gets darker in the winter.”


  “I just have to get used to it.” Apparently, I had a lot of things to get used to. I walked past him without giving a kiss, but he eventually got a brief hug and then he kissed me on the cheek.

  “How was dinner?”

  “Normal. They thought I was happy.”

  “You are happy.”

  “I know.” I smiled at him like a goof and he smiled back, then I kissed him sweetly on those kissable lips. It made me feel shy, like I was pretending to be something I wasn’t. Being with Mark didn’t feel normal—not like it had the first time around. Kissing him the first time all those months ago... that had been like tasting freedom—like I was spinning and time was passing and like I had found something really good.

  I hadn’t felt that swirling vortex of beautiful emotion at all over the past twenty-four hours... and the absence of the expected excitement filled me with dread. Why wasn’t I liking this? Why wasn’t it like it was before? Why can’t we get there? Why do I feel like I can’t love him again? What if I can’t love him like I used to? Will he still love me if I’m a different person?

  Mark refused to leave me any alone time. We sat on the couch and he held my hand. I got up to use the bathroom and he went in with me. We talked. Mark was always easy to talk to. I had missed his friendship more than anything and it was nice to have him back. But was he still my companion? Did I want to share the rest of my life with him, or did I just want to be casual friends? Was he just a warm body who showed me a little affection?

  Which would be better? Had we ever been just casual friends?

  “Mark,” I asked, “do you think we were ever just friends?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Like... you always wanted to get in my pants, right?”

  “I wanted that ass.”

  “Yeah...” My voice trailed away. “So do you think we were ever... like, actual friends? Or were you always pursuing me?”

  “Where is this coming from?”

  “I don’t know.” I looked out his window and over the Lake.

  “You’re my guy. You are my best friend. It might feel strange right now.... Hell, it feels super strange to me. I can’t believe it! Still. And we’ve slept together in the same bed. It all feels like a dream. I feel like I’m going to wake up tomorrow and you’re going to be gone.”

  “I’ll stay in your bed until you get up.”

  “That’s not what I meant. Fuck, I forgot how literal you can be.” He rubbed my head. “I love you, dude. We’re adjusting. You remember how long it took the first time—months. I don’t think we were ever fully adjusted.”

  “I don’t think we were, either.”

  “We’re going to get there this time. I don’t want you to pressure yourself into coming out of the closet. Let’s wait until you feel comfortable with me again.”

  “I do feel comfortable with you!”

  “Then where is this coming from?”

  My phone rang. “Shit, it’s Lynn. I didn’t call her,” I said, by way of explanation. “I always call her after dinner with the parents.” I picked up the phone and greeted my cousin.

  “Hey, Chris? Your parents keep you busy?” Of course she wanted an explanation for what upset our routine.

  “I’m fine. Everything was normal. It was a normal dinner.”

  “I know you,” she said. “You must have something on your mind if you forgot to call me, so spill it.”

  I glanced at Mark and then at the black television. “I... uh, well. Suhail is moving out of the apartment...”

  “Is he?” my cousin said, like she didn’t already know.

  “You knew?”

  “Of course I knew. I’ve got him keeping tabs on you. Put him on speaker phone, I want to apologize for turning him into a spy.”

  “I... uh, that’s not necessary.” What does she know about Mark? She wouldn’t be this chipper if she knew everything...

  Lynn laughed.

  “Did he tell you why he was moving?” I asked.

  “No. Why? I assume he got a new job.”

  “Oh... well, maybe.”

  “Why’s he leaving? You’re a horrible liar. Just spit it out.”

  “He has a girlfriend.”

  “Oh, great for him! He’s a catch. Such a nice guy, so considerate. Is it Cho?”

  “What?”

  “I tried to set him up with a sister of one of my girlfriends. Is her name Cho?”

  “No... it’s, uh, the same girlfriend he had before.”

  Lynn went freakishly silent. I didn’t even hear her heavy breathing like what she sometimes did when she got worked up.

  “Melanie. You remember her?”

  “I fucking remember her. What is he doing back with her?”

  “I guess they never really broke it off in the first place.” I glanced at Mark and stuck my finger down the collar of my shirt to give my clammy skin some air.

  “Good for them,” she said lightly—dangerously. “Good for him. Good for fucking Suhail.” My cousin rarely cursed. “How are you handling it?”

  “I’m fine.”

  “Fine.” She knew something was up. “You?”

  “Yes. I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be fine? I always liked her. I think they’re a bit of an odd couple—” Like me and Mark were. “—but I liked them both individually and I like them together.”

  Lynn sighed. “Okay. Suhail shouldn’t have sprung this on us. When did he tell you?”

  “Last weekend.”

  “And you didn’t call me!”

  “I didn’t realize you needed to know everything about my life!”

  “Chris. It’s okay to feel upset about this. I’m pissed off. This is just a mess waiting to happen.”

  “It isn’t a mess. He’s moving out. Moving on. I’ll probably never see him again.” Wow, did that escalate quickly on my end. From moving in with his girlfriend to abandoning me forever. I glanced at Mark again, but seeing him made me feel guilty and distracted me from the conversation, so I physically turned my body away.

  “Maybe that’s for the best,” she said. “I know he’s become a good friend, but I think it’s better if you don’t see her.”

  “I’m still going to see Suhail, so I’m going to see her eventually.”

  “Do you think you’re ready for that? Do you think that’s a good idea? What are you going to talk about? You’re going to be thinking about him, and wanting to ask about him.”

  “I’m not going to ask about him! I wasn’t thinking about him until you brought this up!”

  Mark placed his hand on my shoulder and I took a deep, steadying breath.

  “I’m just worried about you! I know you. I know how you think of everything, plan for everything. Well, what have I said from the beginning? Don’t plan anything that involves the two of you speaking again. End of story. You shouldn’t see him. Even if it’s in anger. Don’t engage with him.”

  I held my tongue. Mark’s hand was still rubbing my shoulder.

  “Chris. Tell me you won’t engage with him. Keep your memories just where they are, in the past.”

  “I can’t do that,” I admitted.

  “No,” she begged. “Fuck, fucking Suhail! Don’t do this, Jester. Please don’t. I don’t want you even thinking about him. Don’t you remember how I had to fly up and catch you? Don’t you remember the pills? Don’t you remember everything that’s happened in the past eight months?”

  “Of course I remember,” I said with a quivering voice.

  “Don’t think about him. Let it go. You have to be strong.”

  I held in my sniffles. My cousin was relentless and her protectiveness was strong. It was a trait I’d always appreciated, but now I had Mark... my number one protector.

  “I want to hear you say it. If you make a promise, you’re going to keep it. Don’t engage with him. If you see Melanie, don’t ask about him. It’s for your own good.”

  I put my hand on my forehead and my breathing was uneven.

  “Chris. Be
strong. Please. Be strong for me.”

  “I can’t do that,” I said. “I can’t say what you want me to say.”

  “No,” Lynn begged, pitifully. She sounded desperate and broken.

  “I’m back together with him,” I said, somehow speaking in a gasp of air by capitalizing on a rush of courage that I didn’t know was in my possession. Then I flipped my phone shut and ended the call, blood pounding in my ears and my body shaking.

  Mark surrounded me with his arms, but it wasn’t enough to calm me down. I needed my safe space. Suhail had been a safe space for the past few months. Mark had been a safe space a long time ago. Both were gone, ruined. Lynn was going to hate me. Stacy didn’t know yet how badly I had abused her kindness—she wasn’t going to be a safe space either.

  I wiped my face.

  “Are my sheets on the guest bed?” I asked shakily. He nodded against my neck. “I need some time."

  “Let’s lay down.”

  “Alone. I need to... think.”

  Phone Call On Wednesday

  THE NEXT DAY, WEDNESDAY, was a Wednesday from Hell—maybe the worst Wednesday of my life. It directly led into a shitty Thursday which bled over into a rough weekend. The culmination of the next four days led to a mild psychological breaking point.

  I loved Mark. I loved him in a familial sense and as a companion, but it wasn’t the same love as before. We were trying to fix something that couldn’t be put back together so we treaded water instead of opening up completely and swimming naturally side by side. Our relationship was like that for the next couple weeks, but we pushed through.

  Even so, like I said, that first Wednesday was a rough one.

  That morning, everything was going perfectly fine. Mark had to go into work, but he wanted to call in another vacation day. I asked him if he had any important meetings and he said all of his meetings were important. He was trying to work his way up the firm so I told him to go do his thing.

  He left. I got some work done. I ate lunch at his place and we shared a phone call around noon. Gloria cleaned the house in the early afternoon, so I took off for some fresh air because I didn’t want to confront yet another ghost from the past.