Graves and Golf Carts

by Annabel Chase

  I stopped mid-chew. “Are you serious? You want me to bring an offering and see if she grants me good fortune?”

  “It can’t hurt, right?” He moved to put his arms around my waist and tugged me closer. “I told you I’m not letting you go without a fight. We’ll start with a traditional offering.”

  “What do we bring?” I had no experience with offerings. I didn’t even donate used clothes to Goodwill.

  Cole pondered the question. “Give me a couple hours and I’ll come up with something.”

  I stood on my tiptoes and kissed him. “I’m going to shower before I go.”

  “What do you know? I was planning to shower today too. Maybe we should conserve water.”

  I splayed my hands against his hard chest and nearly melted into a puddle right there on the kitchen floor. “I see a few spots that need extra attention.”

  “I knew I could count on you.” He took me by the hand and guided me toward the bedroom.

  I grabbed a slice of bacon on the way and he shot me a quizzical look. “What? If you want me to do a thorough job, I need sustenance.”

  After an enjoyable hour getting both dirty and clean, Cole and I parted ways in town. I confirmed Terra’s story with the HOA and continued to the lab, greeting Helen-Mary’s body with a cheerful smile.

  “And how are you this fine morning?” I asked the obliterated witch. “Why, yes, I know I’ll be escorted from here any day now and I should be sobbing into a margarita, but I’ve just experienced the most invigorating shower of my life and afterlife combined, so I’m going to enjoy this good mood while it lasts. What’s that?” I leaned closer to her. “Oh, I fully acknowledge that I’m gloating because it may be the last time I ever get to do something worth gloating about.”

  I sauntered over to the table to see if there was anything that would help with the investigation. There were bottles and beakers scattered across the surface. Mitzi had clearly been hard at work here—doing what, I had no idea.

  I inspected the items on the table. “Maybe if I can figure out how to cast spells, they’ll classify me as a witch and let me stay.” I picked up one of the beakers filled with orange liquid that looked radioactive. I popped off the lid and sniffed the contents. It reeked of Gia’s garden, but I had no clue which herbs were in there. There was no way I’d qualify.

  “What are you doing, human?”

  I twisted to see Jules. “What does it look like? I’m being a witch.”

  Jules perched on the edge of the table. “Is this because of the orders from on high?”

  “You heard about that, huh?”

  “Came up in the bar last night. Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I would have, but I was out with Cole.”

  Her smile was so wide that it put her fangs on full display. “Do tell.”

  “A lady doesn’t kiss and tell.”

  Jules tapped me with the bottom of her boot. “Good thing you’re not a lady then. Come on. Share.”

  “Maybe later. Reality is starting to creep in and make me miserable.” I dropped into the chair in defeat. “If I could turn into a supernatural, then I could stay.” I eyed her. “Are you sure you can’t bite me and turn me into a vampire?”

  Her smile faded. “No, I can’t turn you, but I would if it meant you could stay. I’d drain you dry and pump those human veins full of vampire blood.”

  I cringed. “And I appreciate that very visual response. Is there anyone who could turn me into a supernatural? Maybe Harold can use that staff of his for something besides pointing.”

  Jules placed a hand on my shoulder. “I don’t think there’s any magic that can help you. I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be sorry for me. It’s Helen-Mary who got the blunt end of the stick.” Right through the chest. “Isn’t that right, Helen-Mary?” I started to feel deflated as the afterglow diminished to the dim shine of a nonstick pan. “Do you know she was one of the first villagers I saw when I got here? I thought she was in costume.”

  The vampire shifted her attention the slab. “Her body is starting to go. It’ll be soon.”

  Jules and I walked over to scrutinize Helen-Mary’s fading body. The green of her skin shimmered under the harsh glare of the artificial light.

  “I don’t know. She seems to be hanging in there,” I said. Maybe she’d even outlast me.

  “That’s Helen-Mary for you. She was a tough witch.” I detected a hint of admiration in the vampire’s tone. Jules reached out a tentative hand to touch the witch. Her fingers disappeared as though she’d reached into another plane of existence. She snatched her hand back. “Freaky.”

  I peered over her shoulder. “Where does your hand go?”

  “Dunno.” She moved back to make room for me. “You try it.”

  “No way. The last thing I need is to lose a hand. Afterlife or not, I bet there’s no chance I can regrow this thing. I’m not a starfish.” I focused on Helen-Mary’s body. “Where do you think she’s going?”

  “Nowhere. Obliteration means you cease to exist.”

  I shuddered. Although obliteration had been explained several times, it still made me feel uneasy to know that there was a chance we could just be…extinguished. Even the afterlife had the risk of being fleeting if we were unlucky.

  “Shouldn’t you be taking as long as possible to solve this case? You seem like you’re actually in a hurry.”

  I glared at Jules. “Of course I’m not in a hurry. I haven’t slept with Cole nearly enough times to get me through eternity.”

  “He’s made a lot of progress since you showed up,” Jules said. “It’ll be so annoying to watch him return to hermitville.”

  “You think he will?” I was both relieved and saddened by the thought.

  “Of course he will.” She squared her shoulders. “That’s it. We can’t let them take you.”

  “Now you sound like Cole. You might have missed the part where I said I made a deal with them.”

  Jules flicked her dark hair over her shoulder. “Then we’ll unmake it.”

  “Jules, even you can’t unmake a deal with upper middle management.”

  Her fangs elongated. “Challenge accepted.”

  “One of them is an angel,” I said. “I don’t think your fangs will intimidate him.”

  “Angel blood is a delicacy I’d never turn down,” Jules said.

  “He’s a tall drink of water too. You could kill two birds—I mean, winged creatures with one set of fangs.”

  “There has to be some way of keeping you here.”

  I’d read the policies and procedures list Hera had slipped to me, but there was no slam dunk. “If there is, I haven’t come up with it. Believe me, I want to stay. There’s bacon here. What if there’s no bacon in the new place?”

  “I’m glad you’re focusing on the important things.” She gave Helen-Mary a final glance. “Let me know if there’s anything you need me to do, any witnesses to intimidate.”

  “Thanks. I knew I could count on you.”

  She tapped the doorjamb on her way out. I picked up the magnifying glass and I started to examine the body one last time before I lost my chance forever.

  “Hello again, Marshal Worthington.”

  I looked up at the sound of the deep, rumbling voice. Angus, the youthful god of love, stood outside the lab. “Hey, Angus. Nice to see you again.”

  “Nicer to see you.” He grinned at me like a loon. “I heard the terrible news about your imminent departure, and I was hoping we might squeeze in a date before then.”

  I straightened and put down the magnifying glass. “First, my departure is not imminent. It’s whenever I solve this case. Second, my remaining date nights are booked with a certain demigod who shall remain nameless.”

  “Why? Are you embarrassed?” He grimaced. “Oh, it’s not K’ang, is it? I know his dad is the god of distillers, but I heard his mom was related to Medusa.” Angus made a horrified face.

  “It’s not K’ang, but now I’d really like
to meet him.” I moved to the other side of the slab to talk to him. “You know what? I have a question for you. Do you know my friend, Mitzi?”

  Angus looked perplexed. “The witch?”

  I beamed, thrilled that he knew. This could be one of my last good deeds in Divine Place. I wanted to make it count.

  “Yes. She’s wonderful. She’s smart and she’ll never be able to compete with your fashion sense.” I gestured to his stylish outfit. “I think you should ask her out.”

  “But I prefer older women like you.”

  I clapped him on the shoulder. “And we older women appreciate your support, but I already have a handsome beau and, as you said, my departure is imminent.”

  “Whoever he is, he’s a lucky guy.”

  “Yeah, he is.”

  “So, do you think Mitzi would want to go out with me?”

  “I guarantee it.”

  Angus bobbed his head. “Awesome. I’ll swing by that potion place. That’s where she works, right?”

  “True Brew.”

  “That’s right. She always has her nose in a book.”

  “Yes, that’s her.”

  Angus perked up. “Thanks for the tip. Good luck with everything.”

  “You too.” I felt good about myself as I watched Angus leave the lab. One good deed down, another one to go. Helen-Mary’s killer had to be brought to justice so that everyone could get what they wanted. Well, everyone except me.

  I went over to the table to look through the case notes one more time. Maybe if I read through it for the hundredth time, I’d see something I hadn’t seen before.

  When I finally finished, I turned around to see that Helen-Mary’s body was gone. A slight green shimmer remained in the air above the slab. I stood in respectful silence, wondering what it felt like to be obliterated. I hoped to never find out.

  “Brooms away,” I whispered.

  Chapter Sixteen

  “Are you sure about this?” I stared at the wicker basket in Cole’s hand as we met outside the coffee shop.

  “I have it on good authority that she loves pumpkin bread.”

  “Pumpkin bread is the kind of thing you make at home in the autumn when you’ve made more pumpkin pies than you can eat and you don’t know what else to do with the extra cans of pumpkin you bought.”

  “That’s very specific.” He inclined his head. “Come on. She’s at the gazebo now. We don’t want to miss our chance.” He grabbed my hand and tugged me forward.

  Fortuna stood in the center of the gazebo, smiling benevolently at her half dozen supporters. She wore her signature floral headdress and an ankle-length lilac-colored dress.

  Cole held the basket out to her with both hands. “An offering for you, Fortuna.”

  The goddess accepted the basket graciously. “Cole, you darling demigod.” Her gaze shifted to me and her smile dissolved. “And you.”

  “Fortuna, you’ve met Eloise.”

  She turned her nose up. “Yes, I believe she accused me of hideous behavior in front of my teammates. We lost that game, by the way.”

  “Listen, I was just doing my job. Your flower petal was evidence and I had no choice but to follow up.”

  “And you’re sorry,” Fortuna said, in a way that suggested she wanted me to tack this on to my statement.

  “I’m not sorry for doing my job,” I said. “I’m the marshal. It comes with the territory.”

  The goddess glanced at the pumpkin bread longingly before handing the basket back to Cole. “I’m afraid I can’t accept this.”

  Cole looked stricken. “Why not? It’s an offering. We’d like to ask for good fortune…”

  “Not for her,” Fortuna said.

  “Then for me,” Cole said quickly. He looked at me. “Good fortune for me would be good fortune for you. Our interests are aligned.”

  “Cole, my darling, I would love to bestow good fortune upon you. In my opinion, there’s no one more deserving in Divine Place, but to the extent that your desire includes the human…” She shook her head and petals flew in all directions. “That part is beyond my abilities.”

  Cole gently pushed the basket back into her hands. “Please take the offering Fortuna. I made it for you.”

  “You made it yourself with those two strong hands?” She peeked at the loaf. “I suppose it would be poor form to reject such a generous offering.”

  “I added a little cinnamon,” he said.

  She sucked in a delighted breath. “I can hardly wait to taste it.”

  “Think of us when you do,” he said, and quickly backtracked. “Of me.”

  Fortuna smiled. “I certainly will.” She moved on to the next acolyte, clutching the basket.

  Cole gave me an anxious smile. “We did our best. On to the next idea.”

  “There’s a next idea?”

  He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. “I told you, Eloise. I’m not giving up.”

  I felt a surge of emotion so powerful that it almost knocked me off my feet. “You’re very hot when you make that determined face. Has anyone ever told you that?”

  He brushed his lips against mine. “I’m going to see what else I can do.”

  “But you’re my deputy. I need your help to solve this case.”

  “As far as I’m concerned, the case I’m working on is more important.” He started to walk away. “I’ll catch up with you when I have good news.”

  “Okay,” I called with a wave, “then I guess it was nice knowing you.”

  I spent the rest of the day moping around the village and trying to focus on the facts of Helen-Mary’s case. I even returned to the golf course and waded into the pond where we found her. I didn’t see anything except murky water and pond scum. A Good Samaritan golfer thought I was drowning and came by to offer a hand, which was nice and unexpected.

  “Will people be this nice to me in human purgatory?” I asked.

  My would-be rescuer looked at me in confusion. “Sorry?”

  “Never mind.” I sloshed my way across the golf course. I’d had the foresight to take off my shoes, but my pants were now clinging to my legs and dripping water. I decided to go home and change and tackle the home project that had been a priority on my list until the visit from the Doomsday Committee.

  I showered to wash off the filth, fed Mischief, and retrieved the paint cans from the shed. Would I have a shed next time? Would my house be this adorable? Unlikely.

  I carried the paint paraphernalia to the strip of grass next to my driveway. This golf cart was getting painted now and the artwork would be my lasting legacy. As much as I hoped Cole came by soon with good news, I didn’t expect it. I felt almost as sorry for him as I did for me. Then again, he was a highly attractive demigod. If he wanted to meet someone else in another century after mourning my loss, he would. The thought made me feel slightly nauseous. I didn’t want him to meet someone else and I didn’t want to meet anyone either. I didn’t care if Chris Hemsworth showed up in Last Resort, I’d still be pining for Cole.

  Oh, who was I kidding? Chris Hemsworth was going straight to the heavenly realms.

  “Eloise?”

  I peered around the side of the golf cart to see Gia approaching. “Hey, neighbor. How are you?”

  “It’s been a long day and I’m exhausted. It’ll be dark soon. Why are you out here painting your golf cart?” Gia hunched over me as I dipped my paint in the inky black liquid and swiped the side of the cart.

  “I just want to complete this one project in case…”

  Gia crouched beside me. “Is this about your relocation plan?”

  “You heard, huh?”

  “Of course I heard. I wish I’d heard from you though.”

  “I’m sorry. I’ve been distracted.” I slathered as much paint on the side as I could manage.

  “Me too. I’ve hardly been able to think straight since I heard the news. I accidentally watered the bowl of fruit in my shop today.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’
t be sorry. It’s not your fault the universe is lorded over by morons. Do you have another paint brush handy? I can help you.”

  I reached into the container of household items and produced another brush. “Ta-da.”

  Gia took the brush and dipped it into the paint. “Are you sure about this color? It’s awfully dark.”

  “Because it’s black. This is the base. Once it dries, I’ll add the sugar skulls.”

  She frowned. “Sugar skulls? You mentioned those, didn’t you?”

  “Yes. They’re skulls but decorated with pretty flowers and designs.”

  Gia scrunched her nose. “Pretty…skulls? Like skeleton heads?”

  “You’ll see. Just keep painting.”

  Gia began painting the back end of the golf cart. “I saw you leave here with Cole this morning. I guess that counts as a good distraction.”

  “Last night will be the gift that keeps on giving.” I paused. “And this morning.”

  Gia smirked. “I’m trying to feel sorry for you here, sweetie. Help a goddess out.”

  “I’m sorry. I can’t deny that Cole is a dream come true.” And a dream he would remain. I kept painting. People always said physical labor was good for working through intense emotions. This was my chance to find out if it worked. Usually I got drunk and passed out as a way of coping. As my stepmom always told me, it was good to try new things.

  “I’ve never seen him not brooding. He’s been so different lately. I hardly recognized him the last time I saw him.” She cut me a coy look. “You’ve really made an impact, Eloise.”

  I dropped onto my bottom, unable to contain the emotions bubbling to the surface. “I don’t want to go to a place called Last Resort. It sounds awful.”

  Gia’s expression crumpled in solidarity. “Of course it does, sweetie. Tell those brainless suits you belong here.”

  “Oh sure. I’ll just have my attorney write them a threatening letter. That’ll convince them.”

  “You’re Eloise Worthington. You landed in the cricket field here in a hot dog suit that you used exclusively for protests.”

  I smiled at her. “Gia, you sly thing. Are you trying to get a slice of Eloise before I go? Because you’re saying all the right things.”