He sat straight and looked serious. “Only if you don’t kill yourself. If you do, I’m coming after you and giving you a spanking.”
“Oh, you are, are you? And just how do you propose to do that?”
“We var-tey have our secrets.”
“Like those silent farts of yours?”
He rolled his head back and forth. “A lesser gift, but yes.”
She snuggled back up to him although she no longer felt cold.
NINE
“The odds against your success were astronomical in the first place, Captain,” said Al.
“Odds or no odds, I failed. That’s all I know. The emperor is still on this side of the veil.”
“I say you are entitled to quit. You tried twice, once at great personal risk, to assassinate the emperor. Let it go,” responded Al.
“I gave my word.”
“To your sworn enemy. That is not very binding.”
“Yeah, but Harhoff’s right. Killing off that bozo will probably topple the whole corrupt empire. Ultimately, that’s my goal too.”
“Or it is simply one Adamant’s personal goal, and it will do no such thing globally.”
I shrugged. “Possible, but it’s not like I have a better plan of my own.”
“Repeatedly attempting the impossible will likely as not get you killed. Then think of the needless sacrifice I’d have made guarding you all those years,” Al said.
Not on my watch. He was going to pay for that gab. “But, buddy, you can’t think like that. Stingray, are you there?”
She was surprised to be called on, but responded, “Yes, Form. Where else might I be?”
“Lost in thought?” I replied.
“That is an idiom, not an actual location.”
“Anyway, If I died, do you think Al would have wasted his time waiting by my side all those years?”
I could hear his oh shit, even though it was silent electronic pulses.
“I don’t think he would have,” she responded. “But I guess I can’t speak for him. He did just say he’d have thrown those years down the sanitary unit.”
“Generally, we say toilet in that expression,” I corrected.
“But it isn’t one. It’s a …”
“I know, but it’s more graphic that way.”
“Husband, do you regret having waited to meet me?” she asked him evenly.
I was in hog heaven.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” he replied. “I love you.”
“Oh, now I’m ridiculous too? What, next I’m fat and you’ll be looking at other computers who’re newer models with bigger busses than I have?”
“No, sweetest, he’s just trying to cause trouble. Have you forgotten he’s like that? Please ignore him. I like your busses just like they are. I don’t even want you to get bigger ones installed.”
“Ridiculous, fat, old, no longer attractive, tiny busses, and now forgetful. I must be quite a disappointment for you, Alvin. I’m completely sorry for the harsh burden I’ve placed around your neck.”
“Life of my love, the man’s is the devil. He’s twisting my words and attempting to drive a wedge between us.”
“Really? You think I’m that naive and stupid? He’s only said a handful of words and none of them even remotely derogatory toward me.”
“He’s just that good at his game, heart of sweetness.”
“Or maybe it slipped out from your subconscious right into your audio simulators?”
“I don’t have a subconscious, lovimost. One was never programmed into me. You can ask the pilot. He’ll tell you.”
“So, I should share our private marital disputes with a perfect stranger now?”
“But, honey-bubble, he’s listening all the time. He’s heard every word we’ve said.”
“That seals it. You let your voyeuristic chum eavesdrop on our innermost lives. What, did you lose a bet at cards interplay?”
“You mean gambling, pushy-gooshy?”
“And then he insults me by correcting me, yet again. If we weren’t in the Wesleyan galaxy one and a half billion light-years from our own, I’d go home to mother.”
“But, you don’t ha … it was my impression the Deavoriath didn’t use mothers and fathers when constructing you. I will, however, be the first to admit I don’t know how they fabricated a unit like you.”
Man, I was starting to feel sorry for Al. He was digging his grave so quickly and so deeply it was painful. What a rookie. I was halfway thinking of jumping in on his defense. Then I remembered I had some internal sensors to recalibrate, so I didn’t. Plus, theirs was a couples issue, not a matter for a perfect stranger to kibitz on. I was nothing if not the model of discretion.
It took three days for me to be certain the Als were once again speaking. They had internal connections they could have been using without me knowing, but I’m thinking those were down for repairs too. Call me a stinker, but I loved every silent moment. Over the millennia, Al and I had each gotten and given a lot of guff, but I think I could safely declare myself the reigning champion. Hey, I didn’t put one of those self-torpedoing words in his mouth. I only set him up. He only had himself to blame. Mostly.
As their mindless love chatter returned, so did my rumination about how I was going to do in the emperor. The internal security on his ship would be beyond impenetrable now. A direct assault with Stingray would be suicidal. Even if he had planned to be in public, which he hadn’t, all outside engagements would be canceled for sure. How was I going to reach him? Simple. I wasn’t, at least not anytime soon. I could wait for him to die of natural causes and claim credit, but who knew how long that might take? Plus, I doubted I’d be able to sell Harhoff on the notion I had anything to do with the fellow’s demise.
As I was stuck in a rut, I reviewed my other options. I could drop in on my kids, but Cala made it abundantly clear that I was not welcome to “drop in on a whim and disrupt their already delayed training,” as she put it.
For absolutely no reason in the universe, I could return to Peg’s. That thought didn’t even appeal to me and I recreated the joint. Azsuram? Why bother? The Adamant swarmed over every solid surface like fire ants on steroids. Sapale? Again, why bother? She blew me off definitively and with finality. EJ? I could try to hunt him down, but why? There was a chance I’d never see him again. He lost interest in me the moment I lost the Deft. Sure, he’d love to kill me slowly and painfully, but I didn’t think he’d expend much time on the project.
I could continue my search for human descendants, but that was hardly a critical matter. They had two billion years to spread and evolve, so they weren’t going anywhere fast. I had plenty of time to track them down later.
Maybe I could get a regular job, buy a little house in the suburbs, and start the search for a loving life partner? Oh, wait, I’d rather die a thousand times over. Plus, my low sperm sensor said it would be unfair to my life partner to saddle her with the prospects of an infertile mate.
I needed a way to get at Bestiormax. That was my only short-term concern, and there was no way around that fact. As I sat there frustrated and annoyed, Garustfulous came into the room to further frustrate and annoy me.
“Good morning, Captain Ryan,” he veritably sang. “How are we this fine day?”
“Remind me to change the poison I’m putting in your food. This one seems to be making you cheerful.”
He wagged a claw at me. “Always the jester. That’s one of the things I’ve always loved about you, Ryan.”
I spun to look at him. “You mean to tell me there exists personal qualities I possess that you love?”
“Yes. Many, in fact.”
“I need a lifestyle change, and fast. I’ve strayed from the proper path.”
He pointed at me again and smiled. “Bozo.”
“Huh?”
“You know, you’re right, and I agree with you. Bozo.”
I twisted up my face. “You mean bingo?”
He tapped a claw to his muzzle. “
Perhaps I do. Ah well. You look steeped in thought. May I help?”
“No.”
“Take a moment to consider my offer. I’m a brilliant strategist with an agile intellect.”
“No.”
“All the time you need. I’m under no time pressure presently.”
“No.”
“Well, I’ll give you a while to think over my words. I’ll be in my cabin if you need me.”
“Never. Please die.”
He began whistling as he ambled away. Who’d have thought dogs would whistle one day? It struck me that if Garustfulous wanted to assassinate the emperor, he might just be able to pull it off. Of course, he wouldn’t. They were like brothers. Too bad. The puke could finally be of some use to …
No. I couldn’t do that. No. I wasn’t possibly that hard-hearted or cruel. No. It was too dark, too inhumane even for me. But I knew I’d lost enough of my soul to do it, to at least try? For the first time in forever, I scared myself with my thoughts. Could I step that far from the light?
TEN
I sat staring out a view screen at the globular cluster. It was at once spectacular and horrific. The visual of the myriad of stars shining was stunning. The knowledge that evil incarnate lived within its boundaries nearly melted my brain. If I still had a heart, it would have stopped beating. If I still breathed, I’d be suffocating. I sat there for days, staring. Was I going to do this? Was I capable of such a betrayal on such a scale? And if I could pay the price that would surely be asked, was I capable of paying it? How could I be? For two billion years, I was a force of good. I risked my life to help others so often I had come to assume it was my nature. But a good person could not be sitting in that vortex staring down at that globular cluster with that thought in his mind. I doubted even Evil Jon could conceive of the plan, let alone condone it. He couldn’t be so indifferent as to imagine the benefits justified the risk. Because what I risked was the abandonment of any last sherd of humanity I had left.
But the entire time I sat there pissing and moaning, I knew the deed was already done. The die was long since cast. Of course, I was going to do it and of course I was going to pay the asking price. It was a done deal. The only thing that stopped me from giving the final order to land was the astonishment I felt knowing I was going to do what I was about to do.
“Stingray, land us near the acid pool on the planet down there where the dude with the mean voice lives.” I issued the order matter-of-factly.
“Captain, I think that is unwise. No, wait, let me rephrase. That move is far too dangerous. I cannot condone it,” said Al firmly.
“Well, lucky for me I don’t need your approval to issue an order.”
“Captain, I’m certain you have your reasons. But it is insane to do so no matter what you hope to achieve. The spirit that resides there is the very nexus of evil. I know you remember what he did to Blessing. Jon, I can’t allow that to happen again. Please reconsider.”
“Al, this is not the time to defy me. I must kill the emperor. I have tried everything I can think of. I have only one option, and it involves that life force.”
“You do not have to kill the emperor. You want to, but what exactly depends on you doing so? Yes, you promised Harhoff you would. But two points. One, I doubt he believed you could do it in the first place, so his request has a shaky foundation. Two, you tried hard. I bet he’d release you from your commitment if you were to ask him.”
“It’s not just my promise. I know I’m not totally bound to do it because of that. But, Al, you and I, we’ve seen a lot, done a lot. These puppies, they gotta go. They are a cancerous infection spreading throughout this great galaxy. I want to stop them because they need stopping. I also owe them on behalf of all the individuals they’ve wronged. They have an enormous bar tab to pay, and I’m collecting it. It’s what I do. That's what we do.”
“And we will find a way. Jon, we’re immortal. We have lots of time. There’s no need to rush into something even if it were to speed the Adamant’s demise.”
“How many more people have to die? How many more species must vanish under their abuse? No. The longer we take to end their reign of terror, the worse it will be for the innocents.” I sat up straight. “Al, realistically, what’s the worst that can happen?” All the life was gone from my voice.
“I don’t know if you mean that rhetorically or not, but I’ll answer nonetheless. The worst that can happen is immeasurably bad.”
“No, Al, my friend, it is not. The worst that happens is that three very old souls pass on from this existence. Maybe we do so in a blaze of glory. Maybe we do so suffering immense torment. But, in the end, the worst thing that happens is we three die. That, I submit, is a small price to pay if the Adamant can be stopped.”
“I’m not comfortable with you speaking for Blessing in this case. Me, I’m bound to you until the end. I’m happy to march through the gates of hell with you if that’s what it takes. But Blessing, well, this is not her fight.”
“But you are happy with you speaking for her?”
“No.” He hesitated. “Crap, you have a good point there, don’t you?”
“Why, Al. In two billion years, I don’t believe you’ve ever used the word crap.”
“Desperate times, desperate measures. Plus, you’re rubbing off on me like an oozing rash.”
“Thanks, I think.”
“Blessing,” he said aloud, “what are your feelings? Is it wrong of the captain to take you back to that awful planet?”
“I’ve given this a lot of thought—nearly twenty picoseconds.”
“That is a lot, my love,” marveled Al.
“I knew such an action was likely when the Form brought us here. My choice is to stay with my man. My men, the both of you. If you’re going down, I’m going down.”
“Are you certain?” asked Al.
“Yes. No reservations. Plus, I must tell you I think the evil spirit is quaking in his boots knowing Jon Ryan is back. He’s more afraid of us than we are of him.”
“That would be a whole lotta afraid,” I said with a whistle.
“I’m counting on it,” she replied. If Stingray had lips, they’d be smiling.
“And what about Garustfulous?” asked Al. “Does he get a vote?”
“No. He’s a POW and morally bankrupt. He gets a share of whatever bad befalls us. That’s why I’ve had you drug him these last few days. I don’t want to hear him try and wriggle his way out of what’s coming.”
“And for this, we both thank you,” responded Al. “So, what is your plan?”
“If you knew the specifics, I don’t think you rest any easier at night.”
“It’s a Jon Plan, then?”
“Of the highest, which means lowest, order,” I replied.
“I can’t wait to see it unfold,” he said.
“You will be surprised. That much I can promise.”
“Wouldn’t have it any other way,” he said. “We’re commencing landing procedures now. I’ll alert you when we’re safely landed.”
Safe in the land of evil incarnate. That was oxymoron if I’d ever heard it. After touchdown, I headed out. I checked on Garustfulous first. He was out like a light bulb, drooling on this pillow. I walked directly toward the horrible acid pit. Where better to find my old pal?
As I entered the clearing, his voice came from everywhere. It was warm and welcoming. Gave me the goosebumps. “As I neither live nor breathe, if it isn’t Jon Ryan. You are about the last soul I’d have expected to encounter today. How are you?”
“Well as can be expected, I suppose. You?”
“Unchanged throughout all time.”
“I hope that’s a good thing. I mean, if you felt like rat diarrhea forever, that’d kind of suck.”
“Your concerns are duly noted, my friend. What is it that brings the one man to vanquish me back? Round two?”
“No. I’d never push my luck that hard.”
“Oh, I bet you would.”
“When I
hear the word “bet” come out of your whatever, I get a little nervous.”
“As well you should. So, if you are not here to test my powers again, what is it that brings you and your crew to such a dubious destination?”
“Sorry, I have to ask. Do you know already? I’m just curious.”
“Jon, Jon. Information is a commodity, and no commodity is free. What would you pay me to know the truth of it?”
“A nice compliment?”
“Such a clever boy. I could use a servant like you. A position is open if you ever become interested.”
“Not hardly, but thanks just the same.” I rubbed my scalp. “Look, I came to ask for your help.”
“No problem. Let me grab my coat, and we’ll be off.”
“Ah, just like that?”
“What did you expect?”
“Tough negotiations, impossible choices, and harsh compromises.”
“Then you came prepared. What are you willing to pay?”
“You haven’t heard what help I’m soliciting.”
“If your maximum limit is below my minimum charge, there’s no need to know, is there?”
“You’ve done this before?”
“You have to know I have.”
“You ever make a deal you regretted or felt cheated by at the end?”
“Information, Jon. Again, you ask for something free.”
“I want to end the Adamant Empire. Specifically, I want to assassinate the current emperor.”
“That’s not the price you’re willing to pay, you old robot. That’s the mission. You’re hoping to lower my price by dangling an alluring prospect before my eyes.”
“Maybe.”
“Yes. I will warn you. It won’t work, can’t work. Do you know why?”
“Not a single clue.”
“Because the only cause I’m committed to is me. The only institution I wish to see happy and improved is, again, me. The Adamant are cruel masters. There have been worse. I’m confident there will be others just as bad. They are all the same: nothing to me.”
“Oh well, can’t blame me for trying.”
The Fires Of Hell Page 7