Just As Much

by Noelle R. Henry

  “Oh. Wow,” I say not knowing that, I figured small towns would eat business degrees up, particularly in their cute downtown area.

  My phone goes off. Natalie and Mere are here to see the apartment. I go to our door and buzz them in.

  “That’s my que to go to my room,” Damian says when I tell him they are on their way up.

  “You don’t have to hide.”

  “Meredith’s here?” he asks. I nod.

  “Yep. That’s my que to hide,” he says, and I shake my head. My life would be much better if the two of them didn’t semi-hate each other.

  Meredith and Natalie walk in and Natalie ohhs and ahhs at the place while Meredith stands there with a scowl. I show them around and then we go into the living room to talk.

  “This place looks amazing, Fee!” Natalie says sitting on the futon. Meredith sits next to her.

  “I love the decorations,” Meredith says, trying to say something nice, but it doesn’t reach her eyes.

  “Donna and I made a lot of them over break,” I say.

  “Damian’s mom?” Natalie asks and I nod. She smiles and Meredith frowns.

  “Say it, Mere,” I say, exasperated.

  “No, don’t. Fee, this place is great. She is just upset that you are gone. We are losing our referee,” Natalie says.

  “No. I am upset because this is Damian’s new fuck pad and he just brought her along because she fills some weird void that the sluts don’t,” Meredith says—loudly. I feel my mouth drop open. I didn’t expect that much honesty.

  “Wow,” I say getting up. This conversation does not need to be right in front of Damian’s door.

  “Fee,” Natalie says following me into the kitchen. I angrily load the little dishes Damian and I have used thus far into the dishwasher.

  Meredith follows Natalie in and they both sit at our tiny table. I take a minute and lean against the sink.

  “Felicity,” Mere starts.

  “I am nervous enough about this, Mere. I already have most of the school thinking of me as his charity slut and you know that it is only going to get worse after this move. I don’t need it from you too.”

  “I am allowed to be worried about you, Fee. I don’t like the way he treats you. Period.”

  “He treats me better than anyone else.”

  “Behind closed doors, maybe!” Meredith says loudly and I look over at Damian’s door.

  “He’s here, Mere. Could you not?” I whisper angrily.

  “Wouldn’t want to let him know anything. Right? You’d rather just torture yourself. Stay here in this little dreamland and pretend that you’re not crushing for the most emotionally unavailable person on campus.”

  “Mere!” Natalie yells.

  “Get the hell out,” I say yelling.

  “I forgot, Fee. You’re just as emotionally unavailable,” Meredith says as she gets up.

  Natalie comes over to me.

  “Fee, she is just scared for you.”

  “Yea,” I say slamming the dishwasher shut.

  “It’s going to be fine,” she says, and I shake my head.

  “Nat, she will walk home alone if you don’t head out. It’s dark. Go,” I say, and she nods.

  “You’re a good friend, Fee,” she says leaving.

  “Thanks for visiting. I will see you in class on Monday,” I say. Both of them came home early from break. We were going to hangout tonight, considering it’s Saturday and we had nothing better to do, but leave it to Meredith to be a bitch. She’s not wrong though.

  “You okay?” Damian says from behind me. I didn’t even hear him open his door. God, how much of that did he hear?

  “Yea.”

  “I heard yelling. I thought Mere and Nat were going to be here with you tonight?” he says, and I grab a glass of water. Living with him is going to cause frequent trips to the bathroom if I keep this up.

  “Yea. I did too,” I say taking a sip.

  “Oh,” he says sitting down. “I don’t have to go out with Alex tonight. I could stay in?” he says looking at me all innocent and genuine. How could Meredith freaking ruin this? I am in a dreamland.

  “Don’t stay here for my account. I’ll be fine,” I say putting water in Zeke’s bowl. I am running out of busy work in the kitchen.

  Damian’s phone buzzes.

  “That’s Alex.”

  “Go, Meredith and I fight. It happens,” I say. Lately, poor Natalie has had to play referee for Mere and me, mostly in regard to Damian.

  “What about?” he says.

  “Are you being polite and pretending you didn’t hear all that, or do you honestly not know?” I say. She yelled that I liked him so loudly, I am afraid that Damian knows.

  “I heard the fuck pad comment. But after that it was just loud noises.”

  “Yea. Well, she’s not wrong, so,” I say callously. This is his fuck pad. I was his excuse to get it.

  “Fee…” he starts. He doesn’t want to have this argument again, neither do I.

  “Alex is waiting for you. Go,” I say. I really want to just be alone right now.

  “Do you honestly think that?” he asks me.

  “Think what?”

  “That you just fill an emotional void?”

  “I don’t not fill one,” I say exasperated.

  He just looks at me.

  “It’s not a bad thing,” I say faking a smile.

  “Okay,” he says hesitantly.

  “See you later?” I say.

  “I’ll probably be in after you go to bed,” he says.

  “Alright. Night,” I say.

  “Want me to walk you to take Zeke out?” he asks.

  “Nah, I got it,” I say.

  I have got to learn to do things on my own.

  Later, Meredith calls me. I answer, mostly because I am too groggy to realize I shouldn’t answer. Plus, it is so late, something could be wrong.

  “Yea?” I say halfway asleep.

  “I am a bitch,” Meredith says.

  “I am not disagreeing,” I say sitting up in bed. It is three A.M.

  “I shouldn’t have said what I did,” she says.

  “You’re not wrong. It just isn’t what I want to hear,” I say sighing.

  “He’s good for you too, Fee. I just hate when he isn’t.”

  “I know.”

  “I am sorry.”

  “I know,” I say softly. “It’s okay.”

  “I am sorry, I woke you up. I just…”

  “Couldn’t sleep because you felt bad?” I say. Meredith always does this. In the dorms she would come to my room in the middle of the night if she thought she hurt my feelings.

  “Yea, especially about the emotionally unavailable comment,” she says. “I miss you being right next door.”

  “I miss you too, Mere.”

  “When I need a reality check about Damian, I’ll call you and you can tell me all the horrible thoughts you have about him. Then I will forget all about liking him, okay?” I say and she laughs.

  “You can talk to me about it. I won’t judge, Fee.”

  “I find that hard to believe,” I say laughing.

  “I will willingly listen and not tell you how annoying you’re being. As a friend should.”

  “That sounds more right.”

  “Goodnight, Fee.”

  “Sleep, Mere. We’re okay.”

  Warm Bodies

  If Damian brought a girl home this first week, I didn’t hear them. To be honest, this week has been weird. While most of our classes thus far have consisted of syllabi and introduction material, at home Damian and I act like we have mountains of work to do. We have barely hung out together, instead we both claim that we need to do readings or start working on stuff.

  I think that he really took the fact that I believed that this was his fuck pad to heart—he hasn’t even talked about other girls to me yet.

  Tonight, I stayed pretty late at Mere and Nat’s. Mere still feels bad and Natalie wanted us all to have a movie
night to clear the air. They offered to let me stay, but I decided to head home. Zeke hasn’t eaten, and I didn’t bring food.

  I walk in and I realize that Damian definitely was back to his usual antics. There is a half-naked woman looking in our refrigerator. She is bent over wearing only a thong and let’s just say that my body does not compare to the Jennifer Lawrence vibe this girl is giving. To top it off she was wearing one of Damian’s t-shirts, giggling.

  “I can’t find it!” she calls and Damian walks in.

  “It should be in there,” he says and then he looks over and sees me. He doesn’t even have the good sense to be embarrassed, instead he awkwardly smiles.

  “Hi, Fee,” he says.

  The girl looks over at me for a second, confused and then must decide that it is best to ignore me.

  “Did you walk home by yourself?” Damian asks looking pissed. The idiot is standing there in his boxers, reprimanding me about walking home alone. Really?

  I try not to let any emotion show. Instead I just smile and act like this is perfectly normal. In fact, this could definitely be my new normal.

  “Yea. I forgot food for Zeke. If you will excuse me,” I say looking at the girl. I walk past her and get Zeke’s food out of the cabinet and feed him. She looks at me like I am the most disgusting thing she ever saw.

  When he talks about other girls—it is easy to ignore and forget the conversation ever happened once it stops. He tells me that Jenna or Kylie, or whoever kept him busy, I call him a pig, it’s done. But this? This is going to take some fucking getting used to.

  She finds whatever she is looking for and walks past me.

  “Do you want me to leave?” I say faking a smile and acting like I think this is hilarious. The truth is—it hurts like hell. My heartrate is sky high and I think I am nauseated, or scared, or both.

  “Of course not. But you shouldn’t walk home alone. You should have called me or something.”

  “You seem pretty busy,” I say with a laugh. It’s a nervous laugh, but I think it seems genuine.

  “Eh,” he says shrugging his shoulders.

  “Lord. I have homework to do,” I say shaking my head. Zeke and I head to my room. I was going to go to bed, but I am definitely awake now.

  However, as I sit here trying to figure out the joy that is this research methods assignment, I can only hear giggles, grunts, and other various noises coming from Damian’s room. My heart sinks—there is a definite difference between hearing about it and hearing it. I put my headphones in. My door is shut for crying out loud.

  An hour later, I walk into the living room. Purposefully making enough noise that I hope they hear me. I just need tea. Chamomile tea. Or a rubber mallet.

  However, while I am in there, the woman comes into the living room. I take out one headphone and look at her. She is still only wearing a shirt.

  “Bathroom?” she asks. But she knows where it is. Cute, she is trying to make a power play.

  “His is the one right next to his room. Right there. Yep,” I say pointing and shaking my head. Modesty is dead in my own freaking apartment. Actually, in Damian’s apartment. He and his family pay the lion’s share. I just pay one fourth. I find myself keeping my things in boxes, ready to go at any minute again—a habit I picked up when living with Daniel. He kicked me out a few times. Maybe I do it now because I don’t feel like this place is truly mine, I don’t know.

  “I didn’t know you lived here too,” she says before she goes in.

  “Now you do,” I say shrugging.

  Damian comes out a few seconds later, shirtless with his boxers hanging out of his jeans.

  “Hey Baby Girl,” he says going to the fridge and getting a bottled water. “I thought you’d be asleep by now. Still working on homework?” he says, and I just look at him. This is too cavalier for me. He is in the middle of his one-night stand, he does not need to be chatting it up with me about my homework. They both had to know I was out here.

  “Hard to focus on it to be honest,” I say, hiding the hurt in my voice. I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest. He is with another girl right now. A beautiful leggy blonde. I can’t compete with that. You aren’t trying to compete with that, Felicity. Calm yourself.

  Damian walks over and stands next to me while I make my tea. It doesn’t help that the man is ripped. He is casually standing next to me, freaking shirtless. I can count the abs. Not a damn piece of fat.

  “I can help you with the math portions tomorrow if you want? It’s Friday night. Stop working on homework,” he says touching my shoulder and heading out. I can slightly smell whiskey on his breath. I just nod and try not to show the fact that I am completely turned on by him right now. I am the one that said I wanted to be friends. This was my idea.

  Stick to it and for god’s sake, he is literally in the middle of screwing Barbie—you shouldn’t be turned on.

  The girl comes out of the bathroom and Damian grins at her and she giggles, both of them going back into his bedroom. I feel like the man just gutted me.

  I walk into my room and I cannot escape the sounds. They are at it again and she is loud. I call Mere. I don’t care that it is like four. All is fair in this friendship.

  “Fee?” she says groggily.

  “I need a reality check,” I say nearly in tears. This is bothering me way more than it should.

  “Oh, Fee,” Mere says sighing. “What is he doing?”

  “Someone. Very, very loud,” I say trying to laugh. I hear her put me on speaker and say Nat’s name.

  “You deserve someone who knows what he has in front of him,” Natalie says softly, and I love her.

  “I am glutton for punishment.”

  “You can always come back over and spend the night with me and Nat,” Meredith says gently.

  “I’ll be okay. I just need to wallow for a bit. Thank you though.”

  “Call if you need me, okay?” she says.

  “Yea.”

  “Text us when you go to the library tomorrow. We will cheer you up,” Natalie says, her voice still thick with sleep.

  “Okay,” I say, and I hang up.

  I cry and Zeke jumps up on the bed and curls himself around me.

  “Such a good boy, Zeke,” I say petting him and trying to tune out Damian and his new friend.

  When I wake up, I head to the kitchen to make me some breakfast and to get back to my homework. I did not get much sleep at all. So much for living here being the healthier option.

  I put my headphones in and around ten, the girl walks out wearing the dress that she definitely wore to the bars last night. I take a headphone out and listen to their conversation—because hey, why not add insult to injury.

  “So, you have my number,” she says smiling and looking at him. He puts his right hand above his head and his left in his pocket and sighs.

  “I’ll call you,” he says smiling. The girl reaches up and kisses him on the cheek before walking out of our apartment. Poor girl. He is not going to call.

  “That was gross,” I say rolling my eyes.

  “What?” he says looking at me.

  “Damian, you are not going to call that girl. You shouldn’t promise her that you will.”

  “I didn’t promise anything,” he says shrugging. Ew. Just ew.

  “They are nothing but warm bodies to you. That’s…I am going to go to the library,” I say disgusted. I promised I wouldn’t judge him for his behavior, but it is hard when it is right in front of me and when it hurts so much.

  “Are we okay?” he says confused.

  “Why wouldn’t we be?” I say softly. He is starting to notice the disconnect too. Good.

  “Did you want help with your equations?” he asks.

  “Nah, I think I got it. I’ll see you when I get home,” I say putting on Zeke’s vest. In all honesty—moving in with Damian Turner might be the best thing for me. It is hard to keep liking someone when you see how they treat other people they supposedly like.

  W
hen I get to the library, I find a quiet room where Zeke can lay down and I can avoid all unnecessary public interaction. I don’t want to people today; I already feel like I dealt with enough people this morning.

  I sit down and attempt this reading for the eighth time. But I feel myself start to drift from it—my mind isn’t on psychology; my mind is imagining Damian gripping long blonde girls in his hair as he—no. No. I am not going there. Not today Satan. I text Natalie and Mere and tell them where I am.

  I take a deep breath and try again. But I see her whispering in Damian’s ear and pulling him towards her on his bed. God Damnit.

  I got no sleep last night. I am getting nothing done now. I am freaking exhausted because I keep seeing her and him together or worse imagining myself with long blonde hair doing much more than cuddling with Damian on our damn futon.

  “Damnit!” I yell shoving all my books off the table, scaring Zeke in the process. He jumps up and moves to where he is closer to the door and farther away from me.

  “That was a bit excessive, don’t you think?” Natalie says opening the door. Meredith and her come into my study room.

  “Oh sweetie,” Natalie says seeing the tears in my eyes.

  “It’s nothing, I just didn’t get enough sleep today to process my feelings like normal,” I say shaking my head and willing the tears away.

  “You’ve got to either get out of there or accept the fact that he is going to be with other girls in that apartment, Fee,” Meredith says.

  “God I’ve tried Mere. I swear. It is just this was the first time I was there and saw them together laughing and giggling. And he just comes up to me in the middle of his one-night stand and is like—Hi Baby Girl, look at me, I am a fucking ripped God, have you met tonight’s Greek goddess?”

  Natalie stifles a laugh. “Was is that bad?”

  “He talked to me in the middle of his one-night stand. Twice. As if it was totally normal for me to be in the next room while he shags someone.”

  “Ouch,” Meredith says grimacing.

  “I can’t stop thinking about them in his bed. I can’t unhear her in his bed,” I say shaking my head.

  “Fee, maybe you should come stay with us until you find a better living situation,” Mere says. Of course, she would say that.

  “I have tried staying away from him, Mere. Remember? That hurts worse than this and then my health slips from stress…”