Just As Much

by Noelle R. Henry

  “Well, Mom wanted to know if we were going to stay here or go home over break. I thought if you wanted to, we could head out tonight.”

  “I have too much to do this weekend, Dame,” I sigh. I don’t need to go to his home and be his girlfriend for another break, my heart can’t take it.

  “Oh, okay,” he says disappointed. “I can wait to go until your paper is turned in?”

  “No. That’s okay. I can just stay here during break.”

  “You aren’t staying by yourself, Fee.”

  “Sure I can. You should go and be with your family without having to entertain me. I’ve got to go. Are you leaving soon?”

  “Do you want me gone before you get here, Felicity?” he asks, hurt.

  “No, of course not. I am just stressed, Dame. I am not trying to avoid you.”

  “Yea, right. Just agree to come to my place on Sunday. Please?” he says.

  “Sure. Bye,” I say as I hang up. I’ll find a way out of that later.

  And despite wanting to be home, I make a pit stop at Starbucks so he will be gone before I get there.

  When I get home, I work on my mid-term and enjoy some alone time. Avoiding Damian has meant far too much time with other people and I am emotionally exhausted.

  Natalie calls.

  “I think you need a girl’s night.”

  “No, I think I need to finish this midterm. Damian went home and I am enjoying the peace and quiet,” I sigh.

  “You need to get out of the dorms and that apartment. Let’s get dressed and we can go out tonight.”

  “I stick out. Zeke and I don’t mix in crowds like that. I am not going out, Natalie.”

  “We will go to the back of bar, grab a table. It will be fun. With Damian gone we won’t risk running into him,” she says.

  “Nat…”

  “You have to have a social life too, Fee,” she says. “Besides, Meredith can’t go with me and I really need this,” she says, and I feel bad. Natalie does everything for me and doesn’t ever ask for much.

  “You’ll have to let me borrow clothes. I have nothing,” I say.

  “Come over!” she says, all excited.

  “As soon as I am done with this. So, give me a couple hours.”

  “Okay!”

  “Zeke, it looks like we are changing our plans,” I say to him. He looks at me with a pout.

  “I know. Me too,” I say.

  When I finish my midterm, I let Natalie play dress up with me and have her fun. I am numb, but I am distracted at least. She lets me borrow a little black dress covered in sequins. It’s cute.

  “Fee, would you please try to enjoy yourself. You have been a zombie for the past month.”

  I just plaster on a fake smile.

  “That will work for now,” she laughs, “Fake it until you make it.”

  We walk into Sixes and I notice Kyra right away. I ignore her and Natalie takes me directly to the bar.

  “What will it be?” the bartender asks me.

  “Club soda. No alcohol,” I say, and he gives me a look. “I still tip,” I say, and he laughs.

  We find a table in the back—as far away from Kyra as possible—and Lauren, one of the other softball players on Natalie’s team, joins us.

  “Hey guys!” she says. I have only met Lauren twice in my life, but she seems to know Nat well enough that she feels comfortable enough joining us. I don’t care.

  The two of them talk and I just listen. A few minutes later some other people that Natalie knows join us. I know one girl, Angie, from chem class so I try to make conversation, but I am really not in the mood. Natalie is talking to people, she didn’t need me here.

  I see Alex and I excuse myself for a minute.

  “Alex!” I call and he comes over.

  “Hi Fee, what are you up to?”

  “Girl’s night, I guess,” I say.

  “I thought this wasn’t your scene.”

  “It isn’t.”

  “I thought you and Damian were heading to his place?”

  “Nah,” I say not wanting to go into it.

  “At least that was the excuse he gave me this week.”

  “What do you mean?” I ask.

  “God, I haven’t been able to get him out since what—February? Hell, even then he was a buzz kill and went home early.”

  “Really?” I ask.

  “Felicity, you live with him. You haven’t noticed?”

  “I have been keeping my distance.”

  “Uh-oh. Trouble in paradise.”

  “We will be fine. He went home tonight, and I decided to stay here,” I say.

  “Oh…” Alex says looking confused.

  “Well I’m going to get back over to the guys.”

  “See ya,” I say, and I shuffle Zeke through the crowd, back over to our table.

  “Hey Fee, I got you another club soda,” Lauren says.

  “Thank you,” I say smiling at her. She seems really nice.

  I start to lighten up the more that I am there. Lauren and the other girl’s name is Michelle, and Angie and Natalie—all of us are starting to laugh playing Marry, Fuck, Kill.

  “Okay, Felicity. Chris Pratt, Chris Hemsworth, Chris Evans,” Natalie says.

  “That’s not even fair! Uhh…kill Evans, marry Pratt, Fuck Hemsworth,” I say drinking my soda.

  I am blocked in with Zeke and it is really hot in here. My soda is gone before I even register how fast I drank.

  “Hey Lauren,” I ask as she is about to go and get another shot.

  “Yea?”

  “Would you mind getting me another club soda?” I say handing her my card. There is no way I am getting through the crowd with Zeke.

  “Sure. No problem,” she smiles. I drink most of my soda before Natalie has the chance to touch her drink. Why is it so hot in here?

  Natalie is smashed. She convinces me that we need to dance.

  “How the hell am I supposed to do that?” I say looking at Zeke.

  “Bring him!” she says, and I go with it.

  Natalie and I start dancing and Zeke sits next to me. I start to feel really airy and dizzy. So, I head back to the table and drink more of my soda.

  “What is wrong with you?” Natalie calls.

  “Nothing!” I call over the music. It is getting way too loud for me in here.

  “Hey, will you watch Zeke? I have to pee!” I call and she takes Zeke’s lead while I run to the restroom.

  I feel really weird and I really miss Damian. So, I call him.

  I tell him I am sorry and sad and then I go back out dancing with Natalie.

  By one, there is less people at the bar and Zeke looks less uncomfortable as Natalie and I dance. But, I look over and see Alex flirting with a girl at his table and I instantly think of Damian. I need air.

  I walk out, I feel so light and airy, and sad. So sad. I sit on the bench outside with Zeke and I curl up to stay warm, thinking of cookie-cutter houses and Donna, Matt, and Gran’s warm faces.

  “Felicity?” a male voice says.

  “Felicity?”

  What is that weird noise?

  “It’s okay. He is on his way.”

  Who is?

  The noise is getting louder.

  He touches my cheek and I follow his hand and they are wet. The noise is me. I am crying.

  Vodka Tonic

  Damian

  When I came home alone, Mom and Matt were both worried.

  “Felicity is stressed out, she wanted to stay and work,” I say, but I don’t believe it. For someone who lives with me, she sure knows how to make sure I don’t see her.

  I have tried getting up earlier. I have tried getting home earlier. I have done everything but pen her down in a room to talk about what happened when she saw me with Kyra, but she is great at running away.

  Now, Matt and I are checking on the horses before bed. There’s a storm coming, and we want to make sure everything is set.

  “You are out of it,” Matt says.
r />   “Huh?” I say.

  “Damian, you didn’t latch Gunner’s gate?” he says pointing.

  “What’s up?” he says looking at me.

  “She is avoiding me. She won’t talk to me. I am trying to give her space but…damn Matt.”

  “Ahh…I see,” he says, but when he starts talking, I notice that my phone is flashing with a voicemail.

  “D-dame. I...umm…I am…sorry. So…so…sorry. I misses you and I am sad. So…come home. Please? For me.”

  Her speech is so slurred I listen to it three times. Looking up at Matt.

  “Is she drinking?” he says, and I just shake my head. She wouldn’t.

  I call Meredith.

  “What?” she answers. Always polite, this one.

  “Is Fee drinking?”

  “No. Of course not.”

  “Are you with her?”

  “No, Natalie and Felicity were heading to Sixes. I am heading to the beach for break.”

  “So, she was at a bar. Meredith, she just called me and there is no way that was a sober voicemail.”

  “I’ll call Nat,” Meredith says hanging up on me.

  I try calling Fee back and I don’t get anything. Tell me you are not this upset, Fee. Tell me you didn’t drink while on your pills.

  “Go, I’ll tell Mom that Fee needed you.”

  “Don’t tell her why please,” I say, heading to my truck.

  I get back on the road and book it back to the city. I am probably going to get picked up if I am not careful.

  A half-hour in and my phone rings.

  “Fee?” I say expectantly.

  “No,” Alex says.

  “Oh. Sorry,” I say putting him on my Bluetooth.

  “What’s up?” I say.

  “Where are you?”

  “About fifteen minutes out.”

  “Felicity is at Sixes man. I…”

  “What?”

  “She’s practically blacked out. I’ve got her, but she’s not doing so hot,” he says, and I hear her in the background. She is crying.

  “What happened?”

  “I found her out here, Damian. She wants you.”

  I speed up.

  “Tell her I am coming.”

  “Okay,” he says hanging up.

  They are on the park bench outside. Zeke is sitting by Felicity and she is crying hysterically. I pull in and rush to her.

  “Fee,” I say. She is sobbing on Alex’s shoulder. I thank him and he slides off the bench so I can slide on. She is about to pass out.

  “Hey, hey,” I say cupping her face. “Stay with me, Fee.”

  “How much did you drink?” I ask.

  “I don’t—I don’t do that,” she says looking at me.

  “She smells like booze,” I say to Alex.

  Natalie comes out. She is hammered, but not as bad as Fee.

  “Nat, was Fee drinking?” I ask as I hold Fee on my lap.

  “No. She just had club soda,” she says, and I look up at Alex.

  “I’ll go cash her out and see what she drank.”

  I hold Fee and rub her back.

  “That’s it. Slow down, Fee,” I say.

  “I am not moving,” she mumbles through her sobs. I laugh.

  Alex comes back and hands me her card and receipt. She had three vodka tonics, both doubles, and one regular club soda.

  “Christ,” I say looking down at her. “She’s smashed. I don’t know if I should take her to the hospital or not with her meds.”

  “Damian?” Natalie says looking at me.

  “Yea.”

  “Lauren got her drinks for her.”

  “Lauren Nell?” I ask. And Natalie nods.

  Those bitches. Lauren is Kyra’s best friend. And I told Kyra that Fee doesn’t drink—I never mentioned why.

  “They spiked her,” I say shaking my head. They probably thought it would be funny to get her drunk.

  “Hey Fee,” I say shaking her.

  “Hmm?” she responds.

  “We are going to go to the hospital, okay?” I say and she shakes her head.

  “No hospitals.”

  “Fee, you could have a seizure.”

  “Thus, the dog,” she slurs, still crying and pointing at Zeke.

  “I don’t even know…I don’t…what am I…I’m crying?” she asks.

  “I am going to kill them,” I say wrapping her in my jacket. She is freezing.

  “We should report it,” Alex says.

  “Report what?” Felicity says confused.

  “Your drinks were spiked, Fee,” I say softly.

  “By who?”

  “Lauren and Kyra, sweetheart.”

  “You don’t call me sweetheart,” she says finally giving herself a break on sobbing. I rub her back.

  “I don’t want to get anyone in trouble. Home. Please, take me home,” she says hugging me close. How do you say no to that?

  “Come on, Baby Girl” I say lifting her up.

  Natalie and Alex look at me, questions in their eyes.

  “I know what to do if she seizes. I will watch her and babysit tonight.”

  “Keep us posted, man.” I nod.

  On the drive home she sleeps, and I carry her to her bed. I am about to lay her down when she sits up and pukes all over her dress, the blanket I had on her shoulders, and comforter. Great.

  I sit her down on the toilet and run the shower to get it warm. She looks like she is going to fall over so I stabilize her, and she looks up at me with sad eyes.

  “You’re mad at me,” she says miserably.

  “No. I’m not. Let’s clean you up, Fee,” I say.

  “I would be. I have been mean,” she says.

  “Well I am not,” I say reaching back and unzipping the dress.

  “Don’t,” she says, and I stop.

  “Felicity—you puked all over your dress, we need to wash it,” I say, and she nods. I have seen Felicity in sports bras. I have seen her in long night shirts. But I haven’t seen Felicity in just her bra and underwear. It had to be a freaking thong. I immediately cover her up with a towel. She didn’t get any puke on her, so I grab a washcloth from her cabinet and put it under the shower water and then turn it off.

  I am not going to shower her off if I don’t have to. It wouldn’t be right.

  I wash her face and arms with the washcloth.

  “Dame?”

  “Hmm?” I say helping her up.

  “You.”

  “Me what?” I say carrying her to my bedroom.

  “I need a reality check,” she says. I laugh at that one. I am not sure what she is talking about, but to her it makes sense. I grab one of my shirts and put it on her.

  “You left,” she says.

  “I did,” I say softly, covering her up with my comforter.

  “You came back?” she asks sincerely. I must have a hair out of place, because she reaches up and fixes it—she’s braver with me when she is drunk. I laugh.

  “I did,” I say reaching up and grabbing her hands.

  “Why?” she asks.

  “You needed me,” I say.

  “I’ve been really mean,” she says, and she looks like she is about to cry.

  “Let’s talk after you get some rest, Fee.”

  “I’m not tired.”

  “You’re drunk.”

  “I don’t drink.”

  “Rest, Fee. There is a bucket right here if you need it, okay? I am going to throw your linens in the washer,” I say, and she snuggles into my bed, hugging it with a smile on her face.

  “Mmmm, it smells like you,” she says, and I can’t help but grin a little on that one.

  I put her things in the washer and get her a glass of water. When I go back into my room and sit next to her on the bed, she snuggles close to me, sitting her head on my lap.

  She is a clingy drunk. How does someone not know the difference between club soda and a vodka tonic? I sigh and play with her hair.

  “I like it when you do that
.”

  “Do what?” I ask her. It’s really not fair of me, she isn’t going to remember this. But—no one tells the truth quite like a child or a drunk.

  “Play with my hair.”

  “Do you now?” I tease.

  “Mhm,” she says as she hugs me tighter. She is much more touchy feely when intoxicated.

  “I normally have to hide that.”

  “Hide what?”

  “That I like it,” she mumbles.

  “You don’t have to hide it, Fee.”

  “Yea I do, I’m a greasy ass homeless person.” I don’t even know where she is going with that one.

  “Fee, let’s get some sleep okay?”

  “Okay.”

  After a few minutes, her shoulders start to shake. Is this a myoclonic? I reach over and turn on a light to see if she is okay, but she is just crying.

  “Hey…hey,” I say looking down at her.

  “I can’t. I shouldn’t. I…” she stutters.

  “Shouldn’t what?” I say.

  “I shouldn’t be here, Damian. Not with you,” she says.

  “Well, I am what you’ve got,” I say hurt.

  “It’s too hard. I can’t be here,” she says sobbing.

  “You’re drunk, Fee. You need me here to watch you. That’s it, you can go back to avoiding me later,” I say, a little too roughly because she sobs harder.

  “You’re mad…” she says.

  “Fee…” I say, “Please, don’t cry.”

  “You don’t get how hard it is, Damian. Hearing you flirt, watching you kiss, hearing women in your room?” she sobs then continues.

  “Seeing them walk to the bathroom half-dressed giggling over you? Hearing you talk about them every moment since we met? I can’t. I can’t be here. I’ve reached my quota.”

  She’s been holding that one in for quite a while and it hits me like a ton of bricks. When I saw her face after I was with Kyra, I thought she must have developed feelings for me over Christmas. We had all that time together and when I saw the hurt on her features, I figured that she had recently came to her senses about us. But…she’s been feeling this way the whole time? Then why did she make that ridiculous deal? Why put us here? I would have stopped seeing people to date her if I knew I had a shot.

  “Felicity, I am so sorry. I don’t want to hurt you,” I say as she cries. I start to get up to give her space.

  “Don’t leave me,” she whispers. I kiss the top of her head and hold her as she keeps crying.