Just As Much

by Noelle R. Henry

  “Fee?” he says. I nod.

  “Want a new type of reality check?” he says. I told him about my reality checks with Natalie and Mere in one of our late-night chats. I look up at him, confused.

  He immediately kisses me, not dramatically, but definitely more than a little peck I would expect in public.

  When he stops I laugh.

  “It’s real now,” I say in a daze.

  He looks concerned, wondering if that choice would make me run.

  “Thank you, kitten. I think I needed that,” I say as I look around. Meredith is rolling her eyes and Natalie is giggling.

  Alex is slow clapping and other guys from the frat are joining.

  And it begins.

  Summer Loving

  On graduation day I sit next to Gran, barely paying attention to the speakers as I am lost in thought.

  This is it. Damian is leaving the college.

  I knew this would happen and while I couldn’t be prouder—I also couldn’t hate it any more. Which is ridiculous because—Damian isn’t going anywhere.

  The last few weeks of classes went by in a blur. Between finals and all the award ceremonies and the last week of classes, Damian and I have been busy. Not busy enough that we haven’t been all over each other, but eventful enough that I didn’t have time to realize that we were in limbo—Damian didn’t have a job yet and I could tell it was killing him.

  Sundays his mom continued to call and check in with me.

  “I am worried about him,” I told her the Sunday before the last week of classes. “He’s more worried about jobs than he lets on.”

  “It will happen,” she says reassuringly. Her and Gran were planning Damian’s graduation party—she wants Damian and I to spend the few weeks before my summer classes at their place.

  “I hope,” I said. “He’s moping.”

  “And that’s never fun,” Donna said with a chuckle. Just as I am about to respond Damian came in with a big smile.

  “Hold that thought. I’ll call you back.”

  “And?” I said looking at him. He was supposed to hear back from an internship today.

  “I got it. Fee, I got it. I can stay here. With you. It’s only a half hour drive from here. It’s unpaid, but I got it.”

  I ran to him and hugged him.

  “I am so happy for you—even if you are becoming a slave to a really unhealthy system,” I said.

  “It will keep me here. In this apartment. With you,” he whispers.

  I never thought that was what he was worried about.

  “Dame have you been more worried about finding a job or more worried about staying with me?” I said.

  “I’ve been more worried about your housing situation if I didn’t find a job and had to go help my mom at the ranch,” he says kissing the top of my head.

  It’s sweet that he was worried.

  “Natalie and Mere are getting an apartment next semester. They offered. You didn’t have to worry about me. You should focus on you.”

  “Now I don’t have to. This is the internship I wanted, Fee. It could lead me to a spot in the company if I play my cards right. I wanted this—and not just because it means staying here.”

  “You’re sure?”

  “Absolutely,” he said, and I hugged him again.

  “Good, because I like my current roommate,” I said.

  “Really? No way,” he said spinning me around.

  Afterward we celebrated with pizza and a movie.

  Now, I am sitting here and it’s becoming real. We get to stay together—which is amazing, but it’s not going to be the same without him on campus with me.

  “You look glum,” Gran says.

  “I’m so proud, but also so scared,” I say.

  “Whatever for?” she whispers.

  “Change is coming, Gran. I am terrible with it,” I say with a smile.

  “No child, you thrive with it,” she says squeezing my leg.

  When Damian walks across the stage we all stand up and I yell his name. Afterwards Donna makes the two of us take over a dozen pictures. In the last one Damian dips me and kisses me in front of the seal and I laugh.

  Donna and Matt laugh too while Gran tells us to get a room.

  “Come on—let’s feed you two and get you home!” Donna says all excited as we walk through the crowd.

  I have never had this. At my high school graduation Mel and Daniel came but we just went home afterward. I didn’t have a party or get food, in fact I fought with Daniel that night, a lot.

  “What?” he says squeezing my hand.

  “I’m just not used to this,” I say softly.

  “What do you mean?” he says.

  “My high school graduation consisted of Daniel, Mel, and I coming home, watching TV, and Daniel angry that I was staying there for community college,” I say, and Damian just squeezes my shoulders and pulls me into a side hug as we walk to the car.

  “My family does everything big,” he says, and I laugh.

  “I love your family.”

  “We love you,” he says as we get into his truck and follow them to the restaurant. We go to a restaurant closer to Damian’s home to beat the graduation crowds. He’s quiet the car ride there, but I enjoy the silence.

  Almost everyone in Damian’s town knows his family, so I am weirded out by all the people that congratulate him while we sit here.

  “You must be the famous, Felicity!” a woman in purple comes over to the table and sits down. I recognize the same features as Gran—only younger.

  “And you must be Aunt Kelly?” I say looking at her and she smiles.

  “Damian talking bad about me?” she says smiling.

  “Not in the slightest,” I say. Damian always talks about how his father’s sister would teach him naughty things when he was young—for example she taught him to put his hand in his drinking water at restaurants to “make more water.” Thus, causing a huge mess. “Just don’t get any ideas about my water,” I add with a smile.

  “I like her,” she says to Damian giving him a hug. She lives on the other side of the country—I can’t believe she traveled here for just a graduation.

  “I’m kind of attached to her too,” Damian says nudging me on the shoulder.

  I smile and let them talk to one another.

  We finally head to Daman’s after a large meal—Donna paid for all of us and I feel bad.

  “You’ve got to let people do something for you every once in a while.”

  “Yea, yea,” I say as we get to the car.

  “Have you talked to them?” he asks sincerely. He is referring to Mel and Daniel. I have been giving them their space. I met with them after Christmas to exchange small gifts and pleasantries—but I haven’t physically seen Mel since January. She calls on occasion to check in with me and sometimes I sincerely miss her—but I know that both of them need some time together. That’s what they always wanted. Time without me.

  “Nope,” I say softly.

  He stays silent, but I can tell he is contemplating something as he drives. The past month he has reached for my hand whenever we drove anywhere—right now his right hand is on the steering wheel and his left is rubbing his chin.

  “Yes?” I say as we pull onto another dark road. I am not used to streets without lights, or sounds, or—cement.

  “Hmm?” he says.

  “Say whatever is on your mind please. That or turn on the radio—you’re rather boring tonight.”

  “Because I normally do all the talking,” he says, and I look at him funny. Where is this coming from?

  “What?” I say confused.

  “Fee, I don’t want to start anything. You get weird when I try to mention it.”

  “Well now you kind of have to finish, Dame,” I say turning.

  He sighs and looks over at me, as much as he can while driving, then he turns his eyes back on the road.

  “You don’t talk about your past, Fee. Yea, I get snippets. A story about your grandma here
, a tidbit about how Daniel and Mel weren’t always supportive there—but those are exceedingly rare. I don’t know how your parents died. I don’t know when exactly your grandma went into a home and you moved in with Daniel and Mel. I don’t know—anything. I know a few select stories, while you know my life history.”

  “I don’t know your life history,” I say defensively.

  “You knew my Aunt Karen without being introduced,” he says.

  “Because she looks exactly like Gran,” I say.

  “Fee—you know more about me then I do about you.”

  “Not true.”

  “You knew the hand water story. I don’t even remember telling you.”

  “You remembered the circus with my mom.”

  “Fee, remembering the ONLY time you talked about your mother shouldn’t really count.”

  “I am a private person, Dame. I don’t like talking about me. You know the things that matter. You know my likes, my dislikes, you know me.”

  “I am well aware that you don’t like talking about you, Fee. You don’t tell me things until you absolutely have to—that much is obvious,” he says as we turn into his driveway.

  “Are we seriously back to the seizures? Are you throwing that in my face right now?” I say angrily. I hate it when he mentions things from the past like they are weapons and he knows it.

  “I am simply saying that you didn’t tell me about the seizures. You didn’t tell me you had feelings for me—you keep things until they hurt you.”

  “Those two things definitely do not correlate.”

  “They do, Fee!” he says parking the car. “They absolutely do. I just wished you felt like you could tell me things before they build up. I want to know you and I want you to want me to know you.”

  “You know me, Damian. Where is this coming from?” I say

  “It’s coming from the fact that you won’t even talk about any of it with me, Fee. I mention Mel or Daniel and you freeze.”

  “Because you get all angry and defensive when it comes to them.”

  “They treat you like shit, Felicity!” he yells, and I get out of the car. I see the headlights of the other cars coming down the driveway. Donna, Matt—Damian’s aunt. I don’t want to make a show. So, I walk towards the house.

  “Fee!” Damian calls coming after me. I wait for us to be out of the spotlights and I look at him.

  “No. Damian. No. They did everything for me. Mel took me to every doctor, every specialist. She went to every visit. She cleaned up every seizure, explained my illness to every teacher. Daniel paid for it all, while Mel finished her degree. They did everything they could for me. They aren’t all sunshine and rainbows like your family—but we can’t all be perfect, can we?” I whisper-yell at him.

  “And whose fault is it that I knew none of that, Felicity?” he hisses back.

  “I’ve told you! People are good at it—at the beginning.”

  “Fee…” he says softening.

  “I shouldn’t have to tell you anything that I am not ready to say!”

  Matt comes towards us and knows something is up, but neither of us say anything.

  “Want to watch some TV?” he asks us.

  “I think I have had a long day. Am I still in the room upstairs?” I ask.

  “Yea. Aunt Karen is taking my room. I am sleeping on the couch,” Matt says.

  I go back to the truck and grab a worried Zeke from the back. He panics when I leave him.

  “Goodnight,” I say to both of them heading to my room. “Tell your mom I was tired.”

  I let Zeke go out and then I head to my room and lie down. I hear Donna and Kelly ask about me when they come in.

  “She’s tired,” Damian says. “I am going to go check on her.”

  I turn over and brace myself for impact. That was out of nowhere. I—I tell him things. I open up when I want to, I just…I don’t always want to. There’s nothing wrong with that.

  “Felicity?” he knocks and opens the door.

  I don’t know what he wants me to say, so I don’t say anything.

  “Fee?” he says getting in bed behind me.

  “Yea,” I say. I hear his shock. He expects me to be crying, but his words pissed me off—they didn’t hurt me.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “If I had a childhood like you did, Damian—I would talk all about it. But I didn’t. I didn’t have an aunt who would travel hundreds of miles to be there for my graduation. I didn’t live in a giant house with my parents and my grandparents. I never had healthy parents. I never had the type of relationship you have with Matt with Melody. And I shouldn’t have to talk about anything if I don’t want to. Especially if you never even bothered to ask. You talk about me waiting to tell you things—when you wait to tell me what’s bothering you until you decide to yell it at me.”

  “I was bottling up quite a bit, wasn’t I?” he says.

  “I hate it when you throw things in my face.”

  “Fee, can you look at me?” he says.

  “Would you deserve it?” I sulk. He laughs.

  “Probably not, but I am asking anyway,” he says.

  I turn towards him and look up at him.

  “I didn’t mean to explode my feelings at you. I was just trying to let you know what was bothering me. I meant it—I just want you to feel like you can talk to me.”

  “I do,” I say. “I always have.”

  “I am really sorry,” he says pushing the hair out of my face.

  “It’s okay,” I say softly.

  “Did we just have our first fight?” he says with a grin.

  “That was hardly our first fight, kitten.”

  “That was our first fight as a couple,” he says with a smile.

  “Let’s not make it a habit,” I say.

  “Deal,” he says kissing me until I forget how angry I was in the first place.

  Sexpert.

  Summer Struggles

  After he kissed me, I admitted I really was tired, and Damian left—never to mention me not talking to him again.

  It is probably still brewing—considering it has been a week and I still haven’t really talked about my past—but I don’t want to feel like I have to tell him anything. I would rather it be an authentic conversation. Something we haven’t really had the chance to have in a while.

  Kelly has been here the whole week—and Donna and Gran have had me shopping with them, going to the city, and showing them the larger shopping plazas. Matt and Damian have been taking care of the horses together this time—mostly because Damian has been waking up earlier since he knows I’ll be up.

  When they are done, I have coffee with both of them in the morning—sometimes Lydia even joins us.

  Lydia met the entire family the day after graduation. I think Donna was slightly upset that I had already known her—but given how shy Lydia is, I am grateful she had a friend for her first encounter with the Turners.

  “They are a lovely group of people, but slightly overbearing,” I told her as we opened the door.

  “I agree,” Matt said walking in.

  “Gee, thanks you two,” she said quietly as Donna greeted her at the door. She got the same signature hug that I did when I met her.

  With so many people in and out of this house—Damian and I rarely get alone time and I think that may be on purpose on Donna, Kelly, and Gran’s part. Gran has already eluded to the idea that we are “great grandchildren waiting to happen.”

  This morning, Lydia and I are watching the guys exercise the horses, sitting on the fence drinking our coffee in our pjs. We had a girl’s night after staying up too late watching movies with Damian and Matt.

  “So…did Mattie ever come around on the whole Fourth thing?” I ask. Lydia’s parents want Matt and her to go with them on vacation—but Matt insists he should stay and help his mom out. Donna and Damian have already told him they would find a way to manage around Damian’s job.

  “He’s getting there.”

  “W
ant the truth?” I say. She laughs and nods.

  “I think he is just scared of meeting your dad.”

  “What? Meeting an army brat’s father on the holiday of his people is stressful?” she says. I have to admit it—Lydia is quiet, but not because she lacks a dark sense of humor.

  “The day of his people?” I ask.

  “My dad and his military buddies are just going to get drunk and talk about the glory days…he wouldn’t even notice Matt that much,” I laugh.

  “Let me guess your dad is tall, buff, and angry looking?” I ask.

  “You forgot bald. He is tall, buff, and bald.”

  “Poor Mattie,” I laugh. But then my hand jerks and my coffee hits the ground, mug and all.

  “Damnit!” I say involuntarily—I probably broke the glass. I look down at Zeke and he isn’t giving me any signals, yet my hand jerks again.

  “Are you okay?” Lydia asks.

  “I’m such a clutz,” I say softly—we haven’t talked about the reason I have Zeke in front of Lydia, and she is too polite to ask…to ask me, anyway.

  Damian hands the reigns over to Matt and walks over.

  “Fee?” he says concerned. But I am busy—trying—to pick up the mug.

  “I’ve got you,” he says jumping the fence and helping me.

  “Lydia, would you mind helping put Skyy away?” he asks, and she nods.

  “Was it a good mug?” I ask, afraid I broke something valuable.

  “We have plenty, Fee…why don’t we just chill inside today?” he says, not even mentioning that it was a myoclonic.

  “Sure,” I say, and I take his empty hand.

  We head to the couch and sit with Donna and Kelly, who are watching the early morning talk shows.

  “I didn’t even hear you get up this morning,” Donna says.

  “Lydia and I just got up about twenty minutes ago—Damian even beat us,” I say laughing. Lydia made the coffee while I was taking Zeke out—she met me out there while I was staring at the guys.

  “That’s bad,” Gran says walking in.

  “Did you all have fun last night?” Donna asks as Matt and Lydia walk back inside.

  “We did, I had a wonderful time,” I say. But Damian is too busy staring at Zeke and then at me.