“Nothing…I guess nothing,” he says, and he starts to walk away and then stops.
“You’re my best friend, Felicity,” he says tearing up. “I at least deserve your number. I deserve to know that you are okay. I…I…deserve your number. I don’t…” he is sobbing, and he just walks away. I shut the door.
Damian leaves and I lower myself to the ground behind the door. I have never been a vindictive person and letting him think I am with Gavin is wrong. So. So. Wrong. The Felicity that wanted him to show up here, who would stare at the door waiting for him to come for me, she’s the one who has control now.
“Oh my God, what did I do?” I say aloud grabbing my keys and running out. I take the stairs and try to catch him as he gets off the elevator, but I am too late. I run outside and look around for his car.
“Dame…Dame!” I yell tears flowing down my face. Of course, it snowed, so I am out here in nothing but a robe and barefoot looking for a ghost. How did he leave so fast? Why is it this cold here, already?
I start walking towards the street, ignoring the salt and ice that is destroying my feet. I am sobbing, and it is freezing out here. I hug myself and walk the entire perimeter of our complex looking for him, but I don’t see anybody or anyone. The roads look horrible. Why did he drive here? In this weather? Is he an idiot? You’re standing in the middle of the street, in negative degree wind-chill, wearing a robe and no shoes, with wet hair, Felicity. Re-examine who is the idiot.
My body is as numb as I am as I walk back towards the main entrance of our complex. Damian is walking out, and I run to him from the parking lot, but my numb feet make me fall over. He runs to me and I get up.
I rush to him and he catches me, “Jesus, Felicity, you’re freezing,” he says hugging me.
“T-two, one, eight, f-five, f-five, f-five, s-seven, s-six-x, t-two, th-three,” I cry into his shoulder he tries to move me, but I refuse to budge.
“Fee, we need to get you inside, it is fifteen degrees out and you’re wearing a silk robe,” he says not reacting to my touch. I just pull closer to him and I let every pathetic thing in my head slip through my shattering teeth.
“W-W-Why don’t you want me? W-W-Why d-don’t you la-love me? W-What d-did I d-do? W-Why am I o…one of t-them n-now?” I mutter over and over again until he just picks me up and carries me inside.
“Key?” he asks but I am too cold to find it for him. He reaches into my pocket for me and opens the door.
Gavin is back at it watching Game of Thrones. He pauses the television and looks at us.
“She went outside like this. You need to get her warm,” Damian says as if he is going to walk away. I just stand there, shivering.
“Nah, dude. I think you’ve got this,” Gavin says looking at the two of us.
“Her bedroom is the one over there,” Gavin says pointing away from his. Damian looks confused. “And she has her own shower. Extra blankets are in the closet right there,” he says pointing again.
“Asshole,” Damian says ushering me to my room. “You have such a great taste in men,” he says bitterly as he walks in.
“T-that I d-do,” I retort.
If I wasn’t so cold, I would be embarrassed at my room right now. It looks like someone who is dealing with a breakup lives here. Clothes, food wrappers, tissues, all of it. But he doesn’t seem to care as he goes straight to my bathroom and starts the shower.
“Get in, Fee,” he says as my teeth still chatter. I am naked underneath this robe, so I just stand there.
“I…I…c-can t-take it f-from- he-here,” I say shivering.
“Fine then,” he says starting to walk away.
I try to take the robe off buy my hands are shaking too much to undo the knot I put in it, and my tears are blurring my vision anyway.
Damian huffs back into the room and looks at me. He visibly softens.
“Fee,” he says, as he starts untying the robe for me, I stop him with a shaking hand.
“D-don’t,” I say but he doesn’t listen, instead he carefully checks the water’s temperature.
“We had sex a week ago. It’s nothing I haven’t seen, you’re freezing, Fee,” he says trying not to show his anger as he rubs my arms.
“N-n—nothing has ch-changed,” I say moving away from him. If he came here just to get our friendship back, I can’t do this.
“Yes, it has Fee,” he says looking at me and looking at the door. I should clarify that Gavin was putting on a show, but I don’t. It feels good knowing he is jealous, especially when he was the one who claimed I wasn’t enough.
“L-look at m-me, you kn-know how I f-feel. I have m-more th-than m-made it-t c-c-clear. Y—ou d-d-don’t w-want m-me,” I say crying
“Felicity, your lips are blue we can talk about this after you’re warm,” he practically yells at me.
“I..I’m..n-not..w-wearing any-anything,” I say looking down. He sighs.
“Where are your towels?” he asks, and I point to my room. He looks at me for a long second and then just lifts me into the water.
“Get warm, Felicity.”
“Damian!” I shriek. I don’t even have time to react as I stand in the water with my robe still on.
He was smart enough to make sure it wasn’t hot at first, so I wouldn’t feel like I was burning. He starts to walk away, and I panic, but don’t say anything. If he wants to leave, he can. He comes back with a stack of towels.
“What were you thinking?” Damian says—he is watching me, and I feel too exposed to answer. He slowly turns the nob letting the water get warmer and warmer. He takes off his clothes so that he is in his boxers.
He steps in and hugs me to him, I am still shaking despite the warmth of the shower. I refuse to look him in the eye after my pathetic outburst. Here I am again, losing every ounce of dignity I have to this man. He kisses the top of my head.
“You’ve cut your feet,” he says looking down at the pink in the water. He is ignoring what I said, despite me repeating myself the entire way up here.
“I didn’t want you to leave,” I say finally having control over my teeth chattering.
“And you couldn’t take five seconds to grab a coat? Or shoes?” he says stoically as he kneels down to inspect the damage. He doesn’t touch though, feet you know. I roll my eyes.
“I thought I would catch you before the elevator got to the bottom level,” I say softly.
“I needed a minute,” he says looking up at me, he is pissed, but he isn’t letting it show. “I stopped in your lobby’s restroom.”
“That explains it,” I say trying not to cry anymore, thankful that the shower is at least covering that part up.
“Dame…” I start, and he stops me.
“You’re not one of them, Felicity,” he says standing back up and hugging me to him. I can tell he is mad, but only because I know him so well. He is desperately trying to hide it from me as he rubs my back through my robe. He wants to comfort me.
“Turn around,” he says, and I do so my back is facing him. I hear him grab my shampoo bottle and he starts our routine, washing my hair for me—I don’t even remind him that I already showered. I let it happen. I can’t hide that I am sobbing now, and he just kisses my neck and keeps going. He is showing me how he feels. He thinks I slept with someone else. He is pissed at me for going through his phone and taking away my number. But here he is, washing my hair because he knows it makes me feel loved. I don’t even care that his hands are touching where I fell, I just enjoy the fact that he is here, and he is touching me, no matter how brief it may be. You’re pathetic, Felicity.
Sometimes the words I am sorry, won’t cut it—Damian is telling me he’s sorry with his hands. He grabs conditioner and does the same, so slowly, he must fear what is going to happen when this shower is done. When I am all rinsed I turn to him.
“Your turn,” I say, and he just shakes his head.
“That was for you,” he whispers, and dread goes back into my stomach. This was another one-time t
hing for him. I turn away again enjoying the warmth and refusing to look at him.
“You’re toying with me. Again,” I say.
“No. Fee. I am not.”
“I’ll never understand this, Damian,” I say to the water. “Why go through all that time showing me that I’m enough when I wasn’t? How can you not want me just as much?”
“Felicity…” he says starting to pull me towards him, but I pull away.
“I think I am warm now,” I whisper, and he grabs us both a towel, but instead of handing it to me he does what he used to do, he dries me off before him, patting at the robe. He is trying to get me to look him in the eye, but I refuse.
“You should take this off,” he says gently touching my wrist. My hospital band is still on there from yesterday. He looks at it and grimaces. The washing my hair makes sense now, he wants to take care of me. He thinks it’s his fault. I hate this condition. I have never hated it more than I do now.
“I missed a dose,” I say, and he gives me a look and his face looks even greyer than before. Honestly, I did that one on purpose—I am sinking even lower, trying to guilt him into wanting me again. I am pathetic.
“I know,” he says softly. He is here because he blames himself. Now this makes sense.
“I figured it was the reason you were here,” I scoff.
“It isn’t the reason I am here,” he says.
“Yes, it is,” I say softly. He looks at the bruises from the IV and frowns.
“I figured it out on my own,” he says looking down and continuing to dry us both off. He holds up the towel and I take the wet robe off and wrap myself up in a towel.
“I could tell everyone was upset, but no one would tell me why. I finally just called your sister.”
“I asked them not to, but you got me on calling Mel,” I say, and he stops, taking off his boxers and covering himself with another towel. I sigh at the thought of all the laundry this is going to leave me.
“Vincent is a little lower on my contacts than Stewart,” he says moving away from me.
“I don’t want your sympathy,” I say.
“Fee. I didn’t come here because you got sick. I have been trying to reach you since way before Sunday,” he says.
“Why did you come?” I ask.
“You know damn well why I came,” he says, his anger showing.
“Did you come because you changed your mind or because I pissed you off?” I ask him point blank. Gavin’s TV blares and Damian growls, ignoring my question.
“That is Gavin. Natalie’s brother. He is our roommate,” I say.
“You have a thing for roommates,” Damian says throwing his shirt on.
“He did that to make you jealous. He knew who you were. I am not even sure I can stand him, let alone have a relationship with him. He is just today’s babysitter,” I say honestly, and Damian visibly sighs with relief.
“You aren’t sleeping with him?” Damian says, looking at me with sad eyes. I see a bit of the devastation in his features go away, but he still looks worse for wear. He is avoiding my question, which means he hasn’t changed his mind. He was just here to alleviate his conscience.
“No, I’m not you. And now that you know that, you can go,” I say softly looking down.
“You ran outside in the cold, with wet hair and no clothes on to tell me that you aren’t sleeping with the hot guy in your apartment?” Damian says with a raised eyebrow.
“You are avoiding my question, Damian. You’re evading every sentimental thing I say. Which tells me you are here because I pissed you off. Or worse, because you heard I skipped a dose from my indelicate sister and you feel bad. It’s like I said, nothing’s changed. And if nothing’s changed I have nothing else to say.”
“Do you honestly think I would have done what I just did thinking we can just be friends?” he says, and hope rises in my chest, but I push it down. I am not letting him in without answers.
“I know that you have done much more than that thinking that we can just be friends,” I say teary-eyed. That hits him, he looks like I punched him.
“Fee, I have been staying in a hotel all week, not knowing where to go because you moved. I have been texting everyone we know to try to get your number, to talk to you. Which I plan on memorizing from now on, by the way. I left the moment you did. I wanted to talk to you since you have left, but have had no possible way to do it, so this has nothing to do with your seizures and everything to do with you. Please, can you hear me out?” he says, and I hear the hurt in his voice.
“I covered my bases,” I say apologetically.
“Hear me out, Fee,” he says, and I hold my arm out towards my room. He heads that way, I follow him into my room and I grab some clothes and get dressed as he puts his jeans on.
“I am not sleeping with you,” I say as I put a shirt on.
“That’s good to know,” he says looking at me while sitting on my bed. I purposefully sit at my desk. He notices, because he shakes his head at me. We both look at each other. Now what? We both seem to say.
“I’m not going to try anything just because there is a bed in the room,” he says, reading my expression.
“Burn me once,” I say fidgeting my hands.
“I made a mistake, Fee. Please,” he says, and I look up at him.
“We are doing this? We are going to talk about this, right now? Because if we are you are going to have to actually be honest this time,” I say. I don’t want to have this conversation.
“Fee, I have been honest with you,” he says.
“Bullshit,” I say tearing up. It never made sense to me. Why one day he loved me and the next he wanted to stop. It never made sense that he wanted to stay in contact with me so badly after we had broken up. What was his rule? Break-ups are exactly that, communication should be broken?
“When have I lied?” he asks.
“Tell me why you ended it. Give me the reason,” I say. “It’s been killing me, Damian. You would never say the real reason why you shattered me, why you broke something that never needed to be broken in the first place,” I try to say calmly. I am on my feet now, pacing and it hurts.
“I told you, I didn’t think we could last,” he says, but that just pisses me off.
“And that answer, right there, that is a lie,” I say looking at him.
“Why do you think I broke up with you?” he says. I hate when he does this. When he tries to get in my head as we fight.
“Just tell me, don’t play that game,” I say.
“What game?”
“The game where you try to see what theories I have managed to come up with just so you can be appalled at what I think,” I shout.
“I want to hear your theories.”
“Believe me, Dame. You don’t.” I don’t want to hurt him with them. Because the only answer that makes sense is that he doesn’t want to bother with me anymore. That he is starting to think of me as Mel and Daniel do.
“Humor me,” he says.
“No.” He stands up and starts pacing too. I stop and decide to lean against my desk instead. He doesn’t answer me. Instead I hear him expecting an answer. Feel him behind me, staring at me with expectant eyes.
“Eventually people pull away from me. They get sick of me being sick. Part of me thought that was it. You aren’t friends with your exes, Damian. I figured the friendship thing was just because you felt bad, thinking I needed you.”
“JME had nothing to do with why I broke up with you. I never have seen you as a nuisance, Fee.”
“Then you just left me because you didn’t want me anymore.”
“You left me stranded on a bridge, Fee. I never left you.”
“In order to breathe! How can you expect me to go back to being your best friend? I love you too much. I would have never stopped hoping for you to change your mind,” I say. My voice is getting higher and tears are forming. I pray he doesn’t notice, but my voice gives me away. "Dame, I can’t be the woman sitting in the other room while a
nother woman gets what she wants anymore. I am still sitting here hoping you’re changing your mind about us. Do you realize how unfair this is? Showing up like this?”
He just looks down ashamed, “I have already told you, Fee. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t change my mind,” he says but I ignore him. I want everything out in the open.
“I wanted you. I’ve always wanted you. You know that. You were trying to play it off like you needed, what was it you said? A varied palette? But you were past that. We were past that. So, tell me why you broke up with me in the first place.”
“Fee, don’t,” he says.
“Please, Damian.”
He sits on the bed and cradles his hands.
“This is why I am so confused. I made sure that you loved me. I made sure that you were willing to go past whatever barriers that made it so you could only give your body to the girl that you were with. It didn’t make sense that you would leave me. I was so careful…and you were so adamant. So, answer my goddamn question. Why? Or did you really want to just sleep with other people again?” I cry.
“I broke it off before I could ruin us,” he whispers.
“What?” I cough. I can’t breathe. He broke us off because he didn’t want to ruin our relationship? In what planet would that ever work?
“I break women’s hearts, Fee. I knew it was only time before I broke yours too and then you would have lost everything. You’re whole support system. My mom. My brother. My grandma. I wanted to end it before I hurt you. So, you could keep me as a friend and them as your family. I broke it off before I could sour your love for me. I wanted to end it before I did something stupid, before I hurt you beyond repair. You’ve been hurt too much.”
“And you thought this wouldn’t hurt me? I thought…you made me believe I did something wrong, Damian. That I couldn’t…” I sob. I couldn’t stop the thoughts. When he told me that he wanted to go back to being with other women, that he was no good for me as a lover…it killed me. But when I had sex with him, and he immediately wanted out? I believed it. Every word. And I thought that meant that I was no good for him as a lover. That I didn’t match up with all those other women. That I didn’t satisfy him, and that destroyed me.
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