“That you couldn’t what?” he asks. But I can’t tell him. Not that.
“Nothing. Forget it.”
“Felicity, please.”
“That I wasn’t enough. Not compared to them.”
“You thought something was wrong with you?” he says coming over to me. I nod. “Felicity, no. That was never the case.”
“After last week, it felt like that was the case. That you got sick of me. That I wasn’t worth the trouble or that I didn’t perform…never mind,” I say in tears.
“Fee…how did you get that? When we broke up I kept talking to you, every day. Even if you ignored me, I would call you.”
“Talking to me, Damian. Just talking. Forget it,” I say turning away.
“You thought I didn’t want you, want you?” he says, and I nod.
“You made it pretty damn clear that you wanted other women, Damian. Particularly when I wasn’t enough the other day.”
“Fee—there is nothing wrong with you. Not in that area. Not in the least,” he says, and I roll my eyes.
“So, you left because you just wanted someone else instead of me?”
“I was afraid that eventually I would,” he whispers. “At the bar there was this woman…and I was attracted to her, Fee.”
“I don’t want to hear that,” I say crying.
“I’m sorry,” he sighs.
“Did you?” I ask.
“No…no…I would never. I was with you.”
“Damian you don’t think I find other men attractive? Even when I am in a relationship? That is natural. Chemical. It doesn’t mean anything. It’s just a crush,” I say.
“I was afraid of hurting you and I was all you had. I figured if we broke up before I did something stupid, I could still be there for you.”
“You broke us because you didn’t want to hurt me by telling me that you wanted everyone but me? Are you a fucking idiot?” I say getting up and heading for the door.
“No. no. no. no. no. no. Don’t you leave me, not like this,” he says rushing to me.
“You knew how insecure I was! You knew all my insecurities about sex, yet you let me spend the last week thinking that there was something wrong with me. Not to mention the three months of torture before that, waiting for you to change your mind. If you didn’t want to hurt me you’ve done a terrible job,” I say sobbing. It looks like I shattered him.
“I…I am so sorry,” he says softly, tearing up himself.
“You broke us for no reason! You didn’t even talk to me about it! I could have told you! I could have told you that you were being an idiot!” I say sobbing and pushing away from him as he tries to pull me into a hug.
“Anyone could have told you that you were being an idiot!” I shout as I sob and punch at his chest as he tries to hold me. I cave and he pulls me into his arms and that’s when I know I am screwed—because I still felt safe. I still want him. Again, who is the idiot, Fee?
“Plenty of people told me I was being an idiot,” he whispers in my ear and I feel betrayed still. Mattie and Donna knew. They knew why he left and said nothing. They knew I was right about him and still made me feel insane.
“I knew it. I knew you wanted me. But I don’t know if I want you anymore, Damian. You made me feel like I wasn’t worth being with. How could you? How could you just have sex with me like that?” I sob.
“I didn’t mean to. I am sorry. So. So. Sorry,” he says as he holds the back of my head close to his chest.
“You let me lose every shred of dignity I have, Damian. I begged you. Multiple times,” I sob into him.
“I know,” he says, crying himself.
“We could have been happy,” I sob.
“We still could be,” he says gently pulling my head up and framing my face with his hands, tucking away stray wet hairs that are sticking to my face. He is looking for permission.
“Go ahead, it’s not like you can hurt me anymore than you already have,” I say lifelessly—he gently places his lips on mine and I purposefully don’t move mine an inch. I am not the one who needs to prove herself here and I refuse to give this to him. Not after making me feel like this. I have already sacrificed enough of my self-respect, he is going to have to work for this. He knows what I am doing, so he lifts me up and carries me to the bed and he just starts kissing me everywhere.
He is trying to create comfort in his kisses. He is trying to take away the pain.
“I didn’t want to hurt you,” he says between kisses. “I ran. I am sorry. I ran.”
I refuse to look at him or acknowledge his kisses or touch. He stops and looks down at me, I am crying still, I don’t know how I have tears left.
“I love you, Fee. Please, forgive me. Please,” he says wiping my tears away.
“You want me now, but what happens when you stare too long at a hot blonde and don’t want me anymore?” I say cruelly.
He starts kissing me again and my resolve is starting to melt away, I want him. I want him. I want him. But I refuse still, channeling every ounce of my self-control so I don’t kiss back. He looks at me and takes his shirt off. I close my eyes. And he keeps kissing.
What is he doing? I turn my face away, I am not being sexed into this. But he isn’t touching me. Not anymore. I look up and he is on his knees at the end of the bed.
“How low do you want me to sink here, Fee?” he asks. Pretty damn low. But I don’t respond to him.
“No shred of dignity, Fee. I am begging. I do want you. As my girlfriend, I want you,” he says tossing me the broken lock. He must have had it in his jeans. I look down at it, he has soldered the halves I cut back together. “I took the easy way out, Fee. And I want to fix this, but you’ve got to let me. I knew it was a mistake the moment you got in Matt’s truck.”
He reaches down and starts kissing my feet. Literally kissing my feet where they are cracked and hurting. Which wouldn’t be as big of a deal if Damian didn’t absolutely hate feet. He’s embarrassing me now. I don’t want this. I thought I did but I absolutely don’t.
“Stop,” I whisper, and he does.
“Your feet are hurt,” he says, “I can’t believe you ran out there like that.”
He kisses them again.
“I said stop, Damian,” I whisper.
“Just as much. I want you just as much, Fee,” he says.
He stops and just sits beside me. I throw my blanket on him. I don’t need to see his abs right now.
I look him in the eye and he takes that as a win. Smiling at me. But I don’t smile back.
“I ran. But I ran out of love, Fee. I was afraid that I would do the one thing that you were afraid of me doing. And if I did, you would lose me and my family, and I couldn’t do that to you. I know that I hurt you more in the process, but I did it because I love you. And I know that sounds like the shittiest excuse in the world, but it’s the only one I’ve got.”
“You’re an idiot,” I say to him. I look at him carefully. He looks like he hasn’t slept in days, like he’s been just as miserable as I have. Good.
“There are no other women, Fee. There have been no other women. I have thought about you and only you since we have been together, and I will continue to think about you and only you if you kick me out right now. I. Want. You. So, I am begging, and I will keep begging. Please. I am more than willing to spend the rest of our lives making this up to you.”
“Then prove it,” I say, and he sits up and wraps my blanket around me, pulls me close to him, and just holds me. I cave and wrap my arms around him and he just keeps me there in his arms, letting me cry it out. He doesn’t try anything else. No kisses. Nothing.
“Yell. Cry. Hit. Punch. I am not going anywhere,” he says in my ear. Just the fact that he knew sex was not what I needed in order to prove that he wanted to make it up to me, made my heart melt.
I reach up and I kiss him, softly on the cheek and he relaxes.
“Put your fucking clothes on, kitten,” I say reaching underneath my pillow and hand
ing him his hoodie that I stole.
“I thought I lost this in the move, thief,” he says.
“It’s not theft if I knew I would give it back.”
“Don’t you ever think that you aren’t worth it, Fee,” he says hugging me to him. And we have a lot more to discuss before I even remotely forgive him, but I relax and snuggle against him. I am home.
Epilogue
Once upon a time I would have made Damian work for it. I would have refused him. I would have made him work to be my boyfriend, just as I made him work when we first got together—but I am not that woman anymore. He wants me. I want him. Why make it more complicated?
I fell asleep in his arms that morning and when I woke up, I kept my eyes closed just enjoying the moment. It was over. It was finally over. I heard him talking and I realized that he woke me up. He’s was on the phone, talking to someone while playing with my hair.
“It took a lot just to get her to look at me, Matt. I’m not assuming anything here. I’m just glad that she let me in and ” he said. “I can’t stand that she hates me.”
“I’m going to get off here, make her some food. Gavin left a bit ago, he checked to make sure I was staying. Yea. Yea. Will do. And Matt? Thank you.”
He hung up and gently touched my face.
“I don’t hate you,” I whispered, and he jumped a bit.
“You’re awake,” he said swiping my hair out of my face.
“I am,” I said opening my eyes and looking up at him. “And I believe food was mentioned as well.”
He laughed.
“My cabinets are fairly bare,” I said.
“Are you up for an outing?” he said, and I nodded, but right after I reached up and kissed him.
“I don’t hate you,” I repeated, and he pulled me in for a hug.
“I’m glad,” he said a little tearful—he was expecting a bigger fight.
I went and got myself a little presentable and he just watched me from the bathroom door.
“Fee, how were you so sure?” He asked.
“Hmm?” I asked turning towards him.
“Matt said you knew I didn’t mean it when I wanted other people. I didn’t even know I was lying, so how did you?”
I just looked at him and smiled.
“I know what loving someone looks like, Damian. You showed me,” I said, and he came over and reached for the brush. His obsession with my hair is still there, even though I cut most of it off.
“I don’t deserve you,” he said kissing the top of my head.
“Mhm, yea. Can we just order a pizza?” I said exhausted from just standing there. He chuckled and pulled out his phone, as I just hugged on to him. He looked surprised.
“Part of me believed it. I just didn’t want to admit it,” I said honestly.
“Oh Fee…I am sorry,” he said.
“Yea. I’ve heard,” I said.
We sat down that night and talked about everything. I told him that I loved him and that I wanted to be with him. That the last three months hurt, and it will take me time to get over it. But that I wanted him.
He still looks surprised when I easily kiss him today, even though it’s been a month. He expected to work harder to get me back, but I understood him. I can understand him being afraid of hurting me. He’s an idiot, but I get it. However, I won’t forgive him if he doesn’t talk to me again, and I’ve told him as much. He can never be mad at me for running again.
I told him about therapy and the increase in my seizures. He wasn’t happy about either, but he was happy therapy seemed to be working for me. He just hated that I needed it. I told him that it is nothing to be ashamed about—that it will help with the seizures and with dealing with my past. He said he could already tell I am viewing things healthier—and I just smiled at him.
Damian had already talked to his boss and asked for a formal transfer to the office closer to me. He realized it may not happen, but after explaining the circumstances, and no longer being an intern, his boss let him make the move starting after the first of the year.
We plan on moving in together when he makes the switch. But, until then we are long distance and it is bothering him much more than it is bothering me. Damian and Matt got the training to give me my emergency meds. Natalie was too scared to, which I understood.
So, I moved in with Matt and Donna for the time being. It is a stressful for everyone and I hate it. Donna or Matt arrange to drive me to school every morning. It was hell during finals week this past week. But I love it there with them. They accept me. They love me.
I am going to Damian’s house for the holidays. Since he works until the twenty-second, I am going to go to his apartment and stay with him until then.
The first thing I noticed when we get to the apartment, is that he hasn’t put much effort into the place. It has none of his personality. No wonder he prefers coming to me.
We get in and it isn’t too long until we are making out on his couch. We have been that way lately. Clingy and desperate for each other’s mouths.
“You’re quiet,” he says as I lay in his bed.
“I’m comfortable,” I say pulling his pillow towards me, surrounded by his smell. It is definitely enjoyable, and he chuckles at me.
“You have a weird obsession with things that smell like me,” He says.
“Let’s not get into obsessions, hair boy,” I say laughing.
“I’m glad you’re here for a bit,” he says
“You are, huh?” I say.
“Yep,” he says kissing my forehead. He’s been patient. I’ll give him that. I haven’t slept with him—we have been close, very close, but I haven’t let it happen. Not since the breakup sex he wanted. I wanted to be back to being us first. I wanted the anxiety of the breakup to be past us and for us both to feel secure in the relationship. And I can safely say it is. We’ve been focusing on talking to one another and making sure the other one knows how the other feels and I can honestly say that I know I am enough to him.
“I got you something,” he says. Handing me a piece of chocolate cake.
“You get me.”
“Not, to outdo you, but I had a gift planned,” I say, and he looks confused.
I honestly hope he hasn’t found it yet. Because it took a lot of making out for me to stick it in his pocket without him noticing earlier.
“Gimme,” he says holding out his hand.
“Check your pocket,” I say as he looks at me confused and checks his front and back pockets. I smile. He obviously hasn’t found it within the last hour. Good. I sit coyly on the bed and take a bite of cake.
He pulls out the condom and just looks at me, partially dumbfounded.
“Fee...” he starts.
“What? If I remember correctly that’s where you keep them,” I say grinning. He rolls his eyes at me. He hates when I joke about him hurting me. He doesn’t find it funny. But, it’s my way of getting over it and he knows it.
“Are you sure?” he says but I am already walking over to him and reaching for his shirt.
“Mhm,” I say.
“We don’t have to, I mean if you need more time. It’s only been a month and you were so...” he says but I am kissing his chest.
“I sat down chocolate cake. Take my clothes off, Kitten,” I say, and he grins throwing himself on me causing me to giggle as we both land on the bed.
“I love you, Baby Girl,” he whispers in my ear as he kisses my neck.
“I know,” I say.
And I do. So, I spend the entire night showing how much I love him too.
Acknowledgements
To my parents, for always telling me to reach for my dreams and for making sure I always knew I could. To my friends, Elizabeth and Sarah for reading painful first drafts and supporting my writing from the beginning. To Gene, for being my Matthew and my constant ear and support. To Mammaw for making me write about Moss Rabbit and filling me with creativity. For Mammy, for being my Gran. To Ashley J, for her kind heart and helping bui
ld my confidence. To Emily, for being there for this self-publishing journey and being a supportive friend. To Rick, Candace, Ashley I, and Lori for your willingness to help me succeed.
About the Author
Noelle R. Henry is a twenty-something-year old who loves reading, naps, wine, and Netflix (not always in that order). She writes because it is an excuse to live in her own little world, and she thanks you kicking off your shoes, grabbing her book, and joining her for awhile.
Follow her on Instagram: @noellerhenry
Like her Page on Facebook: facebook.com/noellerhenry
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