Next to Never

by Penelope Douglas

  “A house in a better neighborhood—with trees and a front yard and friends?” I asked. “A car, so you can get him to school or the doctor or the grocery store.”

  But she took my hand away and looked at me defiantly. “No,” she argued. “I liked this. I don’t want it to change. I don’t want to be your pussy-at-the-ready. I want to be surprised and carried away again. Nothing else between us. Just this, okay?”

  I kissed her forehead, letting her have her way, because I was too tired to fight right now. I was happy she didn’t regret today, and I was even happier that she wanted more.

  Things would change, though. I knew what I wanted, and I always got what I wanted.

  One way or another.

  • • •

  The book shakes in my hand, and Dylan and I just stare at the page.

  “Jared?” she says, sounding confused.

  “Madoc?” I follow suit, remembering the names mentioned in the text.

  Caruthers?

  And then it seems to hit both of us all at once, and she scurries to sit up. “Grandma?”

  “Mom?” I whimper.

  Oh, my God.

  Oh, my God! I bury my face in my pillow and scream, every muscle in my body tightening with shock and distaste. “Oh, my God, no!”

  She snatches the book away and turns the page, a devilish little grin of excitement on her face.

  “Give that to me, you perv!” I grab for the book and throw it across the room, where it slams against the wall and lands on the floor. “I can’t believe we just read that!”

  She busts up laughing, keeling over so that her forehead crashes into the comforter. “That was epic!” she screams, punching the bed with her fists.

  “Ugh!” I groan and shiver at the same time, trying to rub the cooties off me. “We’re not reading any more.”

  “Why?” She pops her head up and looks at me like a kid who wants candy.

  “Because it’s your grandparents, and it’s my parents, and gross!”

  “It’s not my grandparents,” she argues, trying to reason. “It has to be just a coincidence. I want to read more.”

  Her eyes are still lit up like a kid going to see Santa. She crawls off the bed and makes a mad dash for the book, but I scurry after her. Both of us fall on the floor, trying to get the book away from each other, but we just end up laughing.

  “It wasn’t graphic,” she protests. “You should see what’s on my Kindle. This is nothing.”

  “No!” I bellow and yank the book free of her grasp.

  I stand up and hold it behind my back, glancing at the clock. “Oh, look, the time. You need to get ready for your race.”

  She twists her lips up in a pout and darts her eyes to the clock, too. It’s after six. In all honesty, we should get going, and she knows it.

  “I’m going to pick up James at his friend’s house and grab something to eat,” she says, walking for the door. “I’ll be back to pick you up in a bit, so be ready. And bring the book!”

  She opens the door, walks out, and then quickly spins around. “And let me know if you get to the twenty-four-hundred-dollar-sheets part with his mouth—”

  I reach up to cover my ears, but she’s already slammed the door closed.

  Chapter 5

  Kat . . .

  Running my hand down the countertop, I felt the cool, clean surface, no peeling or knife marks from years of using it as a cutting board. I slipped off my sandals to savor the smooth hardwood floors and the way they shone with the sun coming through the kitchen window.

  The house was beautiful.

  A white two-story with black shutters and a full front- and backyard and garage. Damn you, Jase Caruthers.

  He bought me a house.

  The grass was a green like I’d only seen in magazines, rich and lush, and when I looked out the window, the view was even more stunning. Just more houses with more of the same, but it was a completely different world to me.

  He’d chosen well. He knew what a parent would want for their child.

  But I couldn’t take it. He could come in, make demands anytime he wanted, and I could be as trapped by him as I was by Thomas.

  So what should I do then? Stay in my crappy house in my crappy neighborhood with Thomas? He didn’t care about me or his son, and tomorrow would be more of the same.

  And in a year, still nothing would be different. Fighting to stay afloat while Jared grew up with no more opportunities than I had, and eventually I’d be on to child number three from another failed relationship, simply eating and breathing to exist with no plans and no future, watching my kids repeat the same mistakes.

  I looked over at Jared, seeing him crawl across the floor. There was still time. Still time to make his life better before he became old enough to remember all of the bad.

  I ran my hands up and down the thighs of my jeans, remembering the pile of overdue bills on the counter at home, the empty refrigerator, the rent we were two months late on, how I was scrounging for everything . . .

  That could end right now. And the icing on the cake came when I looked at the deed sent to me in the mail today.

  I was the owner, not Jase. He gave me this house with no strings attached. I could kick him out and keep him out. If I wanted.

  I shouldn’t take the house.

  And upon arriving, I was surprised with the same car I’d refused last week, sitting in the driveway. The keys and a cell phone sat on the kitchen table with no note and only one number in the phone. I’d never had a cell phone, and everything, all at once, felt like dream.

  I walked into the living room, already thinking about what it would look like with furniture. Jase had made sure to bring in the necessities. There was a couch, a kitchen table, a few chairs, a bed and a crib, a radio that was currently playing “Cradle of Love,” but he’d left everything else to me.

  “What do you see out there?” I smiled wide at Jared, walking over to where he’d pulled himself up to the window.

  He couldn’t walk yet, but it wouldn’t be long. I peeled back the curtain, seeing the house next door, and a large maple, full of green leaves—standing between the two houses.

  “Pretty cool, huh?” I peered down at him, and he just gazed back up at me with so much curiosity in his eyes. He never made a lot of baby talk, but those eyes always said it all.

  And I loved that look of wonder in his face. I wanted to see him climb that tree and have a dog to play with in the yard, and I wanted to see him ride his bike down this street.

  And—I hated to admit—I wanted to see Jase walking around this house. Not in his boring, tight-ass suits but in a T-shirt and jeans, coming up behind me and kissing my neck as I made our dinner at the kitchen counter.

  I walked to the table and picked up the cell phone he’d left, not knowing what the hell to say to him. He hadn’t called since the night in the kitchen or to see if I got the deed to the house. And judging by the cell phone he left, he was leaving the ball in my court. I didn’t have to do anything.

  So why did I want to hear his voice?

  I’m a mess, too. His words came back, and I saw that look on his face all over again. The one that said not much made him happy. Like all of this is just a shit preamble to something better.

  I dialed the one number in the phone, letting it ring several times as my heart started pounding.

  And then I heard his voice.

  “Kat?”

  A flutter hit my stomach at his quiet and gentle voice, and all of a sudden, I could barely speak. I dropped my head, speaking low. “Hey.”

  But he just sat there, not saying anything. All I could hear was his breathing, remember the taste of his lips when he held me the other night.

  “Aren’t you going to say anything?” I asked.

  He released a nervous laugh, and I stood frozen, m
y eyes on Jared but my head consumed with Jase.

  “I’m a man who gets paid a lot of money to talk a good talk,” he explained. “But you’re my kryptonite. I feel like a sixteen-year-old kid who can’t form a fucking sentence.”

  I chewed on my bottom lip, loving that I had any power over him. “I like the house.”

  “Just ‘like’?”

  I ran my hand over the bannister as I walked down the hall to the kitchen. “I love the house. Jared loves the yard. I . . .”

  I stopped, unable to get over the lump in my throat. I knew what I wanted, and I knew what I should do, and they were complete opposites. The war in my head was in deciding if the consequences were worth it.

  He was silent as well, and I didn’t know if he was trying not to push me, if he’d reconsidered, or if he honestly didn’t know what to say. I had no idea if I’d been his only affair, but I gathered this was new territory for him. He bought me a house and car. I had to be important to him, right?

  But then again, he wasn’t asking me to divorce Thomas. And he hadn’t offered to do the same.

  I looked down at the floor, so nervous my stomach was as tight as a knot. “What do you want with me?” I asked again.

  “Whatever you want to give me,” he answered. “I want a woman who can’t get enough of me, Kat. If you can’t give me that, then keep the house and the car, and don’t call me again.”

  I closed my eyes as tears pooled. It was too much.

  I could enjoy a man and sever the emotions when it was just sex, but . . . I was old enough to know, if you crave someone bad enough, sex turns into something else.

  And “something else” can get very complicated and very painful.

  “Jared goes to sleep at seven,” I nearly whispered, gripping the phone as anticipation swirled in my stomach. “Do you have a key?”

  His voice was raspy. “No.”

  “I’ll leave the door open for you then,” I told him. “Please hurry.”

  • • •

  Thomas would find out where I was. I hadn’t seen him in four days, but he’d pop up. I’d heard he was fooling around with someone else, something that I didn’t doubt. Let him get her pregnant and hopefully that would be the last I’d see of him.

  Of course, I wouldn’t wish him on any woman, but whoever she was she would learn her lessons as quickly as I’d learned mine, no doubt.

  After feeding and bathing Jared, I settled him into his new crib, brought the radio up, and turned on some faint music and rubbed his back until he fell asleep. I discovered early on he didn’t care for my singing, but if I played the radio, the kid fell to sleep pretty quickly. He liked noise.

  I’d picked the room that faced the tree between our house and the neighbor’s for him, knowing that he would probably like it as he grew up. I’m sure he’d be trying to climb the tree in a few years, but I’d worry about that later. Moving in to my own home was enough of an adjustment for right now.

  Traipsing back downstairs, I finished putting away everything I’d managed to salvage in the rush to leave my former place and set up the lamps and pictures on the mantel.

  A mantel. I put my hand over my mouth, hiding my smile. I had a mantel.

  I walked to the door, making sure it was unlocked, and flipped on the porch light. I should probably go clean myself up. He would be here soon.

  I was still wearing the same clothes from earlier today, the baggy blue jeans that fell off my hips and an old Shelburne Falls High Pirates T-shirt with the bottom cut off, exposing my stomach. A souvenir from my cheerleading days.

  I unwound the rubber band from my hair, letting it spill down my back, and headed into the kitchen to grab a glass of water before I went to the shower.

  “If I knew your ass was worth this much,” a deep voice drawled behind me, “I would’ve pimped you out a long time ago.”

  I spun around, my breath catching in my throat as the water in my glass spilled on my shirt and stomach.

  No.

  Thomas stood in the entryway to the kitchen, filling the space and cutting out the light, as he held Jared in his arms. His blond hair was slicked back into a ponytail, and I could smell the cigarette smoke on his jeans and jacket from here. A cry escaped as I darted forward.

  “Thomas, give him to me!”

  But he reared back, shaking his head at me. “What? I can’t see my son now?” He wrapped his fist around Jared’s arm and squeezed until the baby started crying. “I bet if I tell the courts you’re a high-priced whore, they’ll consider me a better parent for him.”

  “Give him to me!” I screamed, tears welling as I leapt for him. “You’re going to hurt him!”

  “No, I don’t think so.” He knocked me back and then released Jared, looking down at him and speaking in a light, childlike tone. “Someone has gotten a little big for her britches and thinks she runs the show now. Mommy’s been bad.”

  And then he looked to me, rocking Jared back and forth on his hip. “But you know the drill, right?” he said. “You want to keep me happy, you know what to do.”

  I balled up my fists, glaring at him. Storming over to my purse on the counter, I grabbed the wad of bills in my wallet. Forty-two dollars.

  I walked over and shoved it in his hand. “That’s everything I have. Now get out!”

  “That’s not everything.” He tsked, stuffing the money in his pocket and holding out his hand again. “Car keys.”

  “It’s not my car,” I growled.

  “All right,” he said, looking falsely sympathetic. “Say, ‘Bye, Mommy.’”

  He turned around, taking Jared with him.

  “Thomas, stop!” I cried.

  Turning around again, I retrieved the keys from my purse and handed them over.

  “Atta girl.” And then he looked me up and down. “Now you know what else makes me happy, right? Come on. One last time before I leave.”

  I shook my head, flashing my eyes quickly to the knife that sat on the counter.

  “Now!” he barked, making me jump. “Or I’ll do you right here and let him watch.”

  I shook, tears streaming down my face. If I lunged him, Jared could get hurt. I’d never overpower him, and he could run off with my kid.

  I swallowed the sobs in my throat, staring at him through blurry eyes as I pulled my shirt over my head, leaving me in my bra.

  But then I blinked, seeing a dark form behind him, and I sucked in a breath.

  Jase.

  He crept slowly up the foyer, but Thomas must’ve sensed him or saw my eyes flash to him, because he twisted around.

  Jase lunged for him, wrapping his arm around his neck, yelling, “Kat!”

  I rushed forward and caught Jared just as Thomas dropped him.

  “Oh, my God,” I cried, holding my son in my arms and standing there as Jase slammed Thomas into the wall, my car keys falling out of his hand as his head hit the corner.

  He grunted and closed his eyes, still standing but no longer fighting.

  “Now I want you to look at me and memorize my face.” Jase spun him around, holding him up by the collar. “Because the next time you see me, it will mean the end of you. You know why?” he growled, a mere inch from Thomas’s face. “Because I’m smart, I’m rich, and I know people who can make you wish you were dead. I can do whatever the hell I want and no one can stop me. If you ever”—he slammed him into the wall again—“come near her or her son again, I will make sure every shit bag in gen pop thinks you’re a rapist, and you know what happens to rapists in prison, right?” He leaned into his ear, but I could hear his whisper. “No one will keep you safe. I will make sure of that, and it won’t stop until you’re crying like a little girl.”

  Thomas gasped for air under the pressure Jase was putting on his neck, and I hugged Jared closer, turning him around—away from the two men—and crying.<
br />
  “You understand?” I heard Jase say. “Good. Now leave, and go far away before I make you go away. I’ll find you when it’s time to sign your divorce papers.”

  I waited, finally hearing uneven footsteps trod along the floor before the door opened and closed. I turned around to see Jase come right for me.

  Holding on to Jared with one hand, I clutched onto Jase with the other, burying my face in his collar.

  “Are you okay?” he breathed out, one arm around my waist and the other on the back of my neck. Jared whimpered between us.

  I nodded, kissing the top of Jared’s head. “I am now.”

  He placed his finger under my chin, lifting it and kissing me softly on the lips.

  “You were amazing,” I whispered against his mouth, feeling his lips curl into a small smile.

  “Oh, you liked that, huh?”

  I gave a weak laugh, readjusting Jared on my hip. “And I thought you were just a pampered yuppie. Are you like that in court?”

  “Oh, no.” He kissed my forehead. “People are watching then. But you don’t want to see me at a business lunch. That’s pretty scary.”

  “I’m sure.”

  He walked over to the back door, turning on the porch light and checking the lock. “I’ll follow you upstairs.” He turned and guided me out of the kitchen. “We’ll move Jared’s crib into your room until I can get an alarm system set up here.”

  Jase locked the front door and went upstairs to make sure all the windows were closed and locked before moving the crib from Jared’s room to mine. I rocked Jared in my arms until he stopped crying and rested out on my chest, finally fast asleep. I stared down at him, his little eyelids fluttering from time to time like he was having a bad dream. I didn’t know if babies had those, but I just wanted to erase the past nine months from this kid’s life like none of it had ever happened. He was going to be happy now.

  I ran my fingers over his arm, seeing the red mark from where Thomas had hurt him, and tightened my arms around him. He’ll never get to you again.

  Jase came into the room and took off his jacket, laying it on the bed like that’s where it always went, and walked over as I stared down at Jared, sleeping in the crib.