All The Ugly Things (Love and Lies Duet Book 1)

by Stacey Lynn

  Once the locks were engaged, I went to my apartment.

  Grabbing a bottle of bourbon from above the fridge, I set it on the kitchen counter with a highball glass. Then I went to my dresser and pulled out a picture I’d started keeping hidden beneath my boxer shorts and socks.

  Melissa would give me so much shit for having her face smooshed against my underwear, but it was the safest place for it.

  I took them both to the living room and took my first drink.

  I wouldn’t have much before I went to Dad’s house, but I needed something to smooth all the edges and hide all the darkness.

  The picture was of Melissa and me. Brandon and I were still in college and had won a home baseball game where Melissa had come to cheer us on. Her arms were wrapped around my neck, and she’d yanked our cheeks together. But it was her smile, and the brightness in her eyes I loved the most.

  It was exactly how she always was.

  Everything I missed.

  I poured a glass of bourbon, held it out to the photo and smirked at the picture of my sister.

  “Have I ever told you you’re a total pain in my ass?”

  I took the shot, sucked it down with a slight hiss as it burned my throat and recapped the bottle.

  Later. There’d be more waiting for me later when I returned, when I could get drunk as a skunk and forget everything for a few hours.

  32

  Lilly

  I had one foot propped up on the coffee table, bottle of nail polish balanced in my hand, and my phone tucked between my shoulder and ear.

  Angie was on the other end of the phone. Trying to calm my quaking nerves about tomorrow.

  “I don’t know what you’re so nervous about,” she said. “It’s just a meal.”

  “It’s Thanksgiving. A holiday meal. That makes it more, I don’t know, important?”

  “Psssh. That’s ridiculous. Maybe if you haven’t already met them, but you work for Brandon and see them all the time, right?”

  “Yeah, but it’s Thanksgiving.”

  It would be my first Thanksgiving with a family since I’d had time to be with mine—seven years. And even when we had family Thanksgiving dinners, it was proper and morose. My father’s parents as equally stern as my own dad and my mother’s family who rarely came at all—probably for their severe dislike of my dad and what he’d done to their daughter and sister over the years. And for seven years, I ate on plastic trays with plastic silverware. Where I scarfed down soggy dressing and bland turkey. Gravy from a can and burned rolls.

  I already knew dinner tomorrow, the entire day, would be drastically different than anything I’d experienced. It was equal parts excitement and nerves swirling like a wildfire in my stomach.

  It was the way he behaved earlier that gave me pause.

  “I think… I think something’s going on with Hudson,” I admitted, despite my fears and promise to keep it to myself. I had to be reading into things. Wasn’t I?

  “What do you mean?”

  “I don’t know, exactly.” I finished painting my little toe and recapped the nail polish. After setting it on the coffee table, I fell against the back of the couch. “He’s been distant lately. Or quiet, I don’t know how to explain it but he’s not himself.”

  Especially with wanting to spend time with me. Maybe we’d spent too much time together? Maybe he needed the break? After he texted me to come spend the night with him last week and gave me that toe-tingling orgasm, I was certain we’d broken through whatever was holding him back. Since then, it seemed he’d reinforced whatever wall was keeping him from taking things further, at least physically.

  “Who knows,” Angie said. “Boys are strange. I’ve never understood them.”

  She’d been on three dates in the last month. None of them made it to the second one, for the most ridiculous reasons like one breathing too heavy during a movie.

  None of it explained Hudson. He pursued me. He made it clear from almost the beginning he wanted more than friends. So what was that final step going to take?

  And why was I waiting for him to take it?

  “What is your family doing tomorrow?” I asked, changing the subject. We spent way too much time talking about boy problems.

  “We all help out with the meal, even Josiah comes out of his cave and then we spend the day cooking and baking.”

  I switched my feet propped on the coffee table to paint the other one. “Sounds like a relaxing day.”

  “It’s one of the few days of the year none of us have to work, so we enjoy it. But hey, if things go tits up with Hudson tomorrow, you’re welcome to come to our place.”

  “Thanks.” I laughed and uncapped the nail polish bottle. While I began painting, I said, “I’ll keep that in mind. You’re a good friend, Angie.”

  I had a real friend for the first time in years. And I’d chosen wisely.

  “Listen, I know I said I wouldn’t and you dropped it, but if you ever want me to talk to your brother, I will, you know.”

  “Yeah?” Hope lightened her voice.

  “Yeah. I still don’t think you can change him unless he wants it, but maybe it’s not too late. And more people trying to help isn’t a bad thing.”

  I wished Josh would have had that, people who gave a damn about him.

  “Thanks, Lilly. You’re pretty great too. So, tomorrow… you okay now?”

  Still reeling from the revelation of the fact I had a good friend, all the other things I was thankful for fell like dominos.

  It’d been a long time since I had anything good to smile about but this year, I had a lot. People in my life who believed in me.

  People who were giving me a chance.

  I was one semester from a degree, mostly likely a job lined up and a future on the horizon that finally wasn’t dark and aimless.

  And I had Hudson, a man I was falling in love with. A man who was slowly chipping away the cement blocks I stacked around my heart seven years ago to protect myself. He went at them slowly, carefully, chipped away at mortar and grout to carefully remove each block. He hadn’t just pummeled his way in, he worked at it. I loved him for his compassion and care maybe most of all.

  “I’ll be good. Great even, maybe.”

  Angie laughed through the phone. “You’ll be fine. But call if you need anything.”

  “I will. Thanks again.”

  “Any time. That’s what friends are for.”

  She hung up and I pulled the phone away from my ear, smiling at the black screen. That’s what friends are for.

  Yeah. I had a lot. And maybe I could have more. I finally had the chance and freedoms to go after what I wanted. Hadn’t I had enough taken from me?

  “So go get him and tell him,” I muttered to the blank television screen directly across from me.

  He had to be home by now. It was ten o’clock and he rarely stayed at David’s too late. I doubted it being the night before Thanksgiving would change that.

  Was I brave enough to reach for what I wanted? To make the first move?

  It took me another thirty minutes of debating before I went to my bedroom and undressed out of the lounge clothes I’d put on earlier. Instead, I pulled on the same pajama pants I’d worn up to Hudson’s last week, another simple T-shirt and a long, black cardigan sweater. I could have taken a few more minutes to spruce things up, maybe swipe on a little makeup or brush my hair, but I wanted him.

  And if sleep was all he could still give me, I’d take it.

  I was tired of being alone. Of waiting for Hudson to decide the pace we went.

  Perhaps he just needed a little push in the right direction.

  There was a heaviness deep in my stomach that spread to parts of my body I never knew could feel so needy for something more than sleep.

  Once I was in the elevator and the button to his floor was pressed, I tugged on my robe, tightening and untying and retying it at my waist. My reflection in the mirrored doors was a blurred mess of wild hair and glassy eyes and flu
shed cheeks.

  Like I’d run three miles. I was panting almost as heavily.

  Before I could lose my nerve, I knocked on his door, fingers playing with my key in my robe pocket, fumbling at the knot of my waist.

  He answered the door, hair as equally disheveled as mine, dressed only in pajama pants and no shirt.

  “What are you doing here? Is everything okay?”

  “No.” I shook my head. My heart rate thumped a frantic rhythm. As I said it, Hudson’s eyes shot wide open and he opened his mouth to speak but before he could, I cut him off in a rush to get it all out.

  I placed my hand on his bare chest, over his heart. “I want you. I know there’s something holding you back, but I don’t care. Because I think you want me too.”

  “Lilly.” He covered my hand at his chest, where beneath my palm his own beat raced like thoroughbreds around the track.

  I thought he was going to move me away, push me out the door.

  Instead, he yanked me forward, slammed the door behind me and before I’d found my footing, his lips crushed into mine. He kissed me harshly, taking entrance to my mouth almost immediately and I gave it, tasting alcohol on his tongue and inhaling the scent of it before he yanked back.

  “This is a bad idea.”

  I dug fingers into his hair. “I don’t care. I want this. You.”

  He pressed his forehead to mine, eyes peering down at me. Indecision warred in his expression, and I caught the exact moment he broke. The exact moment he closed his eyes and a breath left him in such a rush, his entire body shook from me.

  “Forgive me,” he muttered right before he pressed his lips to mine again.

  I was given no time to ask what he meant because he moved his arms and I was in the air, kissing him, held like a bride and carried down the hall.

  I’d been in his bedroom over the last several weeks. I’d slept in it. I knew the mirror would catch our reflection and I knew he needed blinds to block out the early morning sun.

  I knew his bed was bigger than mine and when he pressed a knee to it and sank into the softness, I most definitely knew this would be a night I would never forget.

  He didn’t let me go until my head rested on pillows and he’d yanked down the comforter and sheets, settling me on the mattress like the world’s most breakable treasure.

  My hands stayed on his cheeks, that strong jaw covered with scruff as he kissed me softly, tenderly. He stroked every single flame I carried inside my body and many more I never knew I possessed.

  He brought this out of me, this wild need I never understood even when I tried to learn from romance books.

  “You can tell me to stop at any time,” he muttered, leaving my mouth to find my jaw, my throat, that tiny place behind my ear that made my hips press against him.

  Even with my trembling hands alight with nerves and need as I ran them down his back, there was no way I was stopping this.

  “I won’t.”

  He glanced at me, hair a mess, onyx eyes setting me on fire with the mixture of desire and conflict swirling in them.

  I leaned up and pulled him to me. A pained expression danced across his features right before he closed his eyes and kissed me back.

  He trailed his kisses all over me, humming when he brought forth a reaction from me. That hand at my waistband pushed down, sliding cotton down my thighs until he pulled back enough to remove them all. He still wore his own plaid pants and I waited, gasping up at him while he skimmed the length of my body and stalled on my most intimate places. Despite my nerves, I showed it all to him, not covering myself while his hands went to his waist and then his pants were on the floor with mine.

  He crawled back up the bed, hands sliding up my legs, goose bumps pebbling in this wake of his gentle movements while he spread my legs further and settled a hand there.

  Cupping me.

  Hudson leaned forward, gave me his weight while bracing some of it on his elbow to my side. “I’ll go slow.”

  “Don’t.” I pressed into his palm and stared up at him. “I want you.”

  “You undo me,” he said and then his mouth fell to my chest, to my breasts while his fingers below began to work a different rhythm.

  And… oh… it was so good. So intense. Pleasured heated my veins at his gentle, but persistent ministrations. Everything inside me felt like a ball of tightly coiled wiring, ready to burst. Rational thought turned to frenzied noises, while he took his time, sliding fingers against my opening and nerves above.

  And then there was pressure. A finger. Slowing pressing into me that made me cling to his shoulders and his hair, finding purchase in wherever I could.

  He kissed me then, pressing another finger inside of me, sliding his tongue into my mouth at the same time he began to move his hand, catching my cries and gasps.

  “If it’s too much…”

  “More,” I demanded. “Please.”

  He paused for a moment, worked me with his fingers until that dam was so close to bursting my body racked with the waves of it.

  “Open your legs wider,” he whispered against my mouth.

  I was so inexperienced.

  Could have felt nerves. Instead, it was pure desire. Pure trust in this man who’d worked so hard to earn it from me, I did it without thought until I felt him there, waiting.

  Reaching for something next to his bed and coming back with a foil packet he tore with his teeth, grinning down at me. “Next time, you’ll do this for me. Learn the feel of me but right now I need you too much.”

  A shiver rolled through me at his words. The ferocity in them. He needed me.

  Hudson Valentine. This man who could have anyone needed me.

  I nodded, waited while he covered himself and bit my bottom lip as I felt him at my entrance.

  “I’ll go slow,” he repeated.

  I pressed my hands to his hips, ran them along his backside. His muscles shook with the tension of holding himself back. He was going slow for me.

  I wanted him to take me.

  I pulled him toward me. My eyes widened at that first burst of pressure inside of me and he pulled back. Hudson kissed me, took my mouth with the hunger he fought back with his body until he was inside of me.

  My body quivered. He was so deep inside, so tight. He waited while my body accommodated him easily before moving, reading my cues, the loosening of my limbs and then he moved, pressed and rolled his hips and pulled one of my legs over his hip. He widened me and opened me and somehow went deeper until all I could do was hold on to him, breathing, gasping for more. That dam exploded so quickly, so powerful, I feared for my life while the pleasure pulled me over, threatened to drown me in it.

  Still, he moved, forceful, deep thrusts quickened until he took let out an animalistic groan, buried his face in my neck and emptied himself inside me.

  It took seconds, minutes, hours… I had no clue until I returned to the reality of his bed, the weight of him on me, the sheen of sweat pressed between our bodies and when I opened my eyes, Hudson was there, smiling down at me, kissing my cheek, my chin, still inside, languidly enjoying the after waves of our coming together.

  “You’re beautiful, Lilly,” he whispered. “The most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”

  “You took my breath away the first time I saw you,” I admitted. “I think you’re the best man I’ve ever met.”

  He blinked, features tightened before he smiled again and kissed me.

  We kissed for hours, until he taught me more about making love and until we could no longer keep our eyes open and then Hudson curled me into his body in the bed, covered us with the sheets.

  He held me tight, peppering kisses along my shoulder and neck, whispering beautiful words a man never said to me.

  Incredible. Amazing. So damn sexy.

  “I’m so glad you’re here with me,” he said, as he fell asleep.

  I yawned, sleep taking me under and barely was able to reply, “I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. Ever.”
/>   His arm wrapped around me twitched and tightened.

  Which meant when I finally succumbed to sleep, I was pressed tightly against him. Warm. Safe. Protected.

  And maybe… loved?

  My eyes flickered open and I rolled over, grinning when I saw Hudson still sleeping in the bed next to me. His lips were slightly parted, little puffs of breath escaping. He appeared so peaceful, so calm, so vastly different than the force of energy he was during the day. It was so rare, seeing him still asleep. I knew he woke early and worked out, and it was now already eight in the morning. The sun was up, but the sky was dreary gray, making even the capitol’s dome in the distance a dull golden color.

  I licked my lips, debating whether to kiss him awake or leave him to sleep.

  He’d been drinking last night. The reminder came to me quick and hard. After Hudson learned I had to attend AA classes, he rarely, if ever, had a drink around me.

  What was it that had him so upset or stressed last night that he had? Perhaps it was nothing but given the way he behaved yesterday and the days before, I frowned at the thought he was going through something and wouldn’t talk to me.

  And yet, when I went to him, he hadn’t turned me away. He’d earned my trust and part of that was because he let me open up to him on my time. I could do the same for him.

  With that thought, I let him sleep.

  I slid out of his bed carefully, making sure I made very little noise while I found the clothes of mine he’d tossed and flung in every which way. Which meant by the time I was dressed and headed toward the kitchen for coffee, I was also doing it smiling. There was an ache at the tops of my thighs I couldn’t help thinking about and my cheeks heated.

  Last night had been amazing. Beyond my wildest dreams and certainly my expectations. The lingering soreness reminding me with every step I took had me fighting back a grin.

  As I waited for the coffee maker to brew my coffee pod, I grabbed a second mug for Hudson. Perhaps coffee in bed would help him wake up? We still had a few hours yet before we had to be at David’s.