My Life Gone Viral

by Rae Earl

  This is awful. I could cope with nasty Erin, but upset Erin with me as the villain is the worst thing EVER.

  “Please don’t think of it as a dump, though. It’s not a dump!” I plead. “It’s a … reassessment of my key goals.”

  This is the sort of thing I hear Mum saying on the phone when she wants to stop a contract. However, from me, this does not sound convincing and Erin knows it. She looks upset but she keeps her cool.

  “Seriously, it’s fine, Millie,” Erin says. “All the best with it. I’ll keep the comment up on your vlog if you don’t mind. I really enjoyed doing it for you. Thank you.”

  I don’t have time to tell her that I don’t mind as Erin leaves in a very sad way and Lauren reappears from behind some trash cans.

  “Thanks for that,” I bark at her sarcastically.

  Lauren looks sheepish. “I didn’t know what to do. What did she say?”

  “She said … to be honest, I don’t know what she said, Lauren, but basically, she’s really sad about it and I caused it. I feel more Erin than Erin.”

  Lauren tries to make me feel better. “She’s only just started this new nice Erin thing. She can’t expect us to just forgive so easily! Plus, what can she do? She hasn’t got the power she used to have. It’s a different world now, Mills! It’s all changed. She’s been exposed! Don’t worry about it!”

  I wish I could believe Lauren, but I feel AWFUL. I hate making people feel bad. It’s the same feeling when I eat too much. I get an uncomfortable feeling near my throat. Like someone is about to burst out and strangle me. That’s what this feels like—internal body-based mayhem.

  #Mayhem

  By the time I get home, my little feeling of indigestion has turned into a full-on anxiety burp, and Mum can sense it immediately.

  “What’s up?”

  I could try to hide things from her, but there’s no point.

  “I told Erin that I didn’t want her to do my makeup anymore.”

  Mum’s eyes disappear into the back of her head.

  “And how did she react to that?”

  “She was so upset, I thought she might cry.” I sigh. “I think she thought she was doing my makeup forever and now she’ll have to tell people that she’s not. The thing is, I don’t think I promised her anything.”

  “Millie! Let’s get a few things straight about how the professional world works,” Mum says seriously. “She re-established herself using an established brand. Classic technique. She used you. This is what happens when you’re famous! You get hangers-on!”

  I think it’s called “support staff.” She was only trying to help, but I let Mum carry on.

  “It’s called people who want you for what you are, not WHO you are. It’s been a problem for years. Celebrities surround themselves with ‘yes’ people, and the next thing you know, they are releasing an album full of their dog barking. That said, I can see why she’s upset.”

  I can, too. Surprisingly, I can easily put myself in Erin’s shoes. I’d be disappointed and hurt, and inside, because of this, I’m still struggling with the fact that I might have not done the right thing. I know if I confess all this to Mum she’ll be honest with me.

  “Do you think I’m ungrateful, Mum?”

  Mum looks at me and scratches her palm. This is a sign that she’s really thinking hard about what she is saying. She’s told me that she had a brain like mine. Packed full of meaty worries. I reorganize my school bag when I’m thinking and she scratches itches that don’t really exist.

  She puts her arm around me.

  “Not ungrateful. You are ruthless, Millie. You are more sure of who you are than you think you are.” Mum checks herself. “Does that make sense? Yes?”

  I nod. I think I am sure of myself, but I have no idea how I feel about this fact. I will have to sleep on it.

  Mum continues. “Perhaps you’ve got a natural business brain. That’s what you need to survive. Erin offered her services. You used them, they weren’t for you, and you rejected her. That’s the business world. That happens EVERY day in every corner of the world.”

  I think Mum has forgotten I’m still in school and not an executive at an office.

  Also? I think Danny has forgotten I actually exist.

  #Instasham

  The next day at 6:05 a.m., Lauren wakes me up with a text.

  Look at Erin’s insta.

  My stomach lurches.

  The first photo in her feed is new. She already has hundreds of new followers. It’s Erin looking atypically fabulous. Her hair is swept back off her face and her cheekbones are like knives. Not normal knives. The samurai-style ones that you see on TV that can cut through mountains and car tires.

  She’s not upset anymore.

  She’s written below the photo.

  New day. New look. Woke up early. Thought I’d have a little play with this face? Like?

  Then she’s hashtagged everything from dawn to mindfulness to cats to makeup to probably car tires.

  She has LOTS of likes and her comments are incredible.

  This leads to an early-morning crisis. Have I even made the right decision? Erin is a real talent. Perhaps I don’t know what I’m doing.

  But no, I DO. Mum is right—I am ME and I have to do what is right for me.

  And you know what? I’ve just decided that’s ALL fine because I didn’t mean to hurt Erin and it’s completely okay for me to have a clear sense of my own boundaries.

  I know this is true.

  So why do I still feel bad?

  I’m so glad the school holidays start soon.

  Dave saunters in and sits on the end of my bed. She shuts one eye and keeps her other big green on me. It’s a power face. I need to be more like Dave. I’ve seen her kill cute baby squirrels in the garden. She waits till they are eating nuts on the bird feeder and then she strikes. She never shows any regret! Plus Mum is on her side because she says the squirrels are thieving off the robins and deserve everything they get.

  I know where I get my ruthless streak from. Clue—it’s not from my dad.

  It’s time to tell Lydia Portancia that I want to be natural. It’s time to tell Lydia Portancia that I will decide where my vlog goes.

  Not now, though. Later.

  #Lesson

  When I get to school, Lauren might as well have had a huge flashing sign above her head that says YOU HAVE RESTARTED THE ERIN SOCIAL MEDIA PHENOMENON! I can see that she’s trying to keep it all in, but every part of her face is YELLING it.

  As I approach, she sits down. I invite her to say what she likes. At times like this, you might as well get it over and done with.

  But Lauren says something that I’m not expecting at all.

  “I’ve been thinking. I have to say, Millie—and I’m being fair here to the point of giving myself a cramp—BUT I’d be hurt if I were Erin. I thought she has no feelings at all, but…”

  I interrupt. “What was I meant to do, Lauren?! Did you expect me to just carry on with it? It wasn’t right. I wasn’t evil to her in any way.”

  Lauren cranes her neck. She tries to calm me down because she can see that I’m getting upset.

  “You just dumped her. I get it, Mills. I’m just saying I’d be hurt, too. But don’t worry, because GIRLS MUST KNOW GOALS!”

  I know this is Lauren trying to make me feel better. Unfortunately, it doesn’t help at all.

  It’s a reminder of another relationship that I’ve messed up by, perhaps, being too me. I’m keeping a score of them at the moment. I haven’t heard anything from my dad in a few days. He has gone completely quiet. I think I’ve scared him off by being too emotional. I’ve texted him. I’ve left messages. NOTHING. And I don’t think he’s the only one, either. I look around the school. There are lots of people but someone is missing.

  Danny is still not here.

  I slump onto the bench next to Lauren.

  “Do you know what? I don’t care this morning, Lauren. Danny is not here again and he hasn’t texted me and
it’s like…”

  Lauren does a sharp intake of breath—“Karma! As you dump, so you shall be dumped!”

  I can’t have another conversation with Lauren about how karma doesn’t work like this. There’s no point. Secretly I really hope she’s not right. I couldn’t deal with it, to be honest.

  Suddenly, Bradley appears. He’s wearing a blazer, but it’s not a school one. I think it might belong to an old airline or something. It’s tailored geek from sleeve to sleeve. Let me tell you, he looks incredible. He’s like a pilot who’s lost his plane but seems completely relaxed about it.

  “Hello, Millie,” he sneers. “More drama, then?”

  This is where a lot of people get Bradley wrong. He’s not being nasty. He just doesn’t have the same filters in his brain that other people do. Things go into his head, he shreds them like a wood chipper, and then just sprays them out at will, confetti-style. I’m usually very patient with this because I know Bradley is lovely. However, this morning I am not patient. I am very annoyed indeed.

  “No, not really!” I yell. “A business arrangement didn’t pan out the way we both thought it would. That’s all. Nothing too serious! Anyway, who told you?”

  Bradley stares at me. “Things get around. It wasn’t Erin. She genuinely understands it. I’ve spoken to her. She’s a professional. It’s other people who think you’ve changed a bit. You do have a habit of using people and then sort of dumping them. It’s sort of what you did with me.”

  Lauren opens her eyes wide. I jab my elbow gently into her side. I do not need for her to add to this conversation at the moment.

  This is the wrong thing to say, and Bradley gets the full force of everything I’m frustrated about, from vlogging to Erin to my dad leaving and the fact I’m going to have to start vacuuming again now that Gary has gone.

  “You know what, that is totally YOU bringing YOUR agenda to my day. I am NOT a user. I use people’s skills and I either promote them back or—”

  Lauren ignores my elbow dig and cheerfully says, “Buy them a doughnut!”

  I am very grateful for this and I realize I was very wrong to try to silence her.

  “Exactly, Lauren!” I nod at her and give her a small hug. “I buy them a doughnut or a coffee, so I pay for their skills. Anyway, I thought WE were friends, Bradley. This is SEXIST. If I were a boy, people would think I was just going for it in a dynamic take-no-prisoners way! Boys wouldn’t be accused of dumping anyone to get what they want. It’s all a huge double standard!”

  Bradley looks a bit scared. “Okay! Okay!” he pleads. “I’m just saying that, perhaps—”

  “Well, don’t!” I shout. “I AM NOT A BAD PERSON. I AM JUST ME.”

  “I know that!” Bradley whispers. He backs off and slinks away, looking upset. Add Bradley to the ever-growing list of people I am mean to. I am officially horrible.

  There’s a big gap in the conversation. I shuffle my feet about a bit and Lauren scrolls through her phone. I can tell that she’s not properly looking at stuff. She looks at a photo of an otter eating and doesn’t favorite it. It’s obvious she’s not paying attention. I think she’s too frightened to talk.

  “That was probably a bit much, Mills!” Lauren eventually whispers.

  “I know.” I sigh. “I really like him, but I’ve just had enough. I’ll apologize to him later.”

  Lauren gives me a big hug that I don’t think I deserve and my phone vibrates. It’s Mum. She does one of her legendary just-at-the-right-time psychic texts.

  Hope you’re okay. Life isn’t easy. Success comes with its own problems. It’s not easy being a sensation. I should know.

  She’s joking because she adds a winky face, but Mum is a sensation in her life. I’ve seen people shrink in her presence, but I’m not sure I want to be that way. At the moment.

  My phone goes again.

  Turn notifications off, Millie! Basic error!

  They’re not notifications. It’s another message, and it’s from Danny.

  Mills, I’m a bit better. Need to c u. D x

  “Oh, at last!” I exclaim. “It’s Danny and he wants to see me after school!”

  “That’s a relief,” Lauren whispers. “I thought karma was working too fast. I was thinking about all the terrible things I’ve done over the years!”

  I am fairly sure that Lauren has not done anything too terrible as she is 87 percent wonderful, but I have to ask what.

  “I’m not going to tell you,” Lauren mumbles. “Just in case karma is listening. Things are okay in my life at the moment. My parents have realized they are better off not together and my best friend is going to be a vlogging millionaire so I don’t have to worry too much about exams! EVER!”

  This is the first time Lauren has told me about her long-term plans.

  “You’ll be able to buy me a house, won’t you? I can just go and look after stray dogs or something … I KNOW! Let’s open some kennels! We can call it … WoofHouse TM!”

  I know this is silly but I would love it, so I just agree. Lauren and me working together would be peak living. There’s nothing wrong with dreaming. It’s actually creative visualization and all the really successful people in this world do it. Not just people. I think Dave does it. Next time she seems like she’s just being quiet, you look at her. I think she persuaded Lauren’s dad to buy her food before he came to our house. She visualized the chicken-flavored treat, and she got the chicken-flavored treat.

  #Men!

  By the time school is over I can’t wait to see Danny. I’m ready to do a full life download. So much has happened—I need to tell him in person about my dad, my mum, all the vlog stuff, everything. I’m glad he’s recovered from his terminal man flu and he’s back in my zone of health and connection.

  I feel a bit spoon and garbly. This is because I’m excited. I realize this doesn’t make sense but, you know what it’s like, love makes you a bit giddy and your toes end up somewhere near your brains.

  When I get to Danny’s house, I have to ring the doorbell a few times. Mrs. Trudeau eventually answers the door. She’s normally firmly smart-casual (good Chanel-style jacket and perfectly fitted jeans), but today she is wearing a bright pink jogging suit. She’s also modeling a very weird face. She seems a bit off. I wonder if she’s just done a solid five miles or if she just been running after a solidly sick Danny. Perhaps Danny is one of these men who are really bad at being ill. She’s probably had to nurse him twenty-four hours a day and bring him comfort food. To be honest, it would get on my nerves fairly fast.

  “Oh, hello, Millie,” she says with a bit of a grimace. “You’d better go upstairs.”

  “You’d better go upstairs.” This does not sound good.

  As I go up to Danny’s room, a million things go through my head. Has Mrs. Trudeau got post-jog calf cramps? Is Danny seriously ill, or has he got a second seriously hot girlfriend he hasn’t told me about? Why does the whole house feel weird? I notice that his mum has taken all the family photos down from the wall. There were lots of them in a collage. It looked fantastic. Why would she take something like that down?

  Danny greets me by his door. He hugs me tightly, for a bit too long, like he is hanging on to a cliff.

  “Millie—sit down,” he says somberly.

  I finally realize what this is about. Danny is going to finish with me because of the vlog. He’s a very private guy, and he doesn’t want to be part of what I’ve become. The partner of someone sort-of-famous. He’s told his family he is going to do this, and they’ve moved all the pictures out of the way in case I completely lose my temper and smash them to pieces. It’s so unfair! I don’t deserve this treatment for being a success. I’m going to get in first.

  “Look, if you’re going to dump me because of the vlog then you’re a sexist dinosaur. I will NOT feature you unless you want me to, and I won’t talk about us EVER without your permission. I DO want to be a success, though, and that’s a GOOD thing. Why wouldn’t you want that for me?! I know you don’
t do social media and it’s not ‘you’ and that’s fine, but IT IS ME. I am a vlogger and girls will NOT be forced off the net by trolls or men who just don’t get it. Also, I am not going to break anything. You thinking that is just OFFENSIVE and telling your family I’m a danger is even worse!”

  This is a great speech and it covers everything I am feeling, but Danny makes a “What the HELL are you talking about Millie?!” face.

  “What?! I’ve never accused you of smashing anything.”

  Now I’m confused.

  “Whatever!” Danny says. “I don’t care about my privacy and all that. That’s not important right now. I’m sorry about your dad.”

  “Look,” I reply, “it’s all right. I’m used to it. Dad has always lived in another country. We’ve always found a way to talk and it’s even easier now that I have my own phone. We make it work!”

  Danny does one of those laughs that isn’t happy—it’s sort of sad.

  “Yeah, I’m kind of banking on that,” he mumbles.

  “You don’t need to bank on it,” I shout. I probably am acting like someone who could destroy photos now. “I am telling you it’s FINE. Honestly, there’s only a little time difference, really, and you just keep the communication going and it’s GOOD! I’m a veteran of it.”

  “That’s what we’ll do, then,” Danny whispers.

  “No,” I have to correct him, “that’s what me and Dad will do. You’re just around the corner! I can see you in real life. I can pinch you!”

  And I pinch him a bit too hard and have to apologize as he yelps.

  “Sorry, Danny! That demonstration went wrong. The point is…”

  What is the point? I lose my train of thought.

  “The point is, can you tell me what’s wrong and what the point is, because something obviously is wrong and I’m totally okay with my dad leaving!”

  Danny pulls his duvet tightly around him and then takes hold of my hand. This is bad. I wonder if his gran has drowned trying to surf or something.