Mostly MyBoss

by Doyle, S.

  I held my breath, but Jules folded her arms over her chest and said nothing. As close to pleading the fifth as I imagined she could be.

  “Ethan, do you remember how things were after you started dating Nicki?”

  It sucked. “I was…angry.”

  “With Julia?” Carol asked.

  I nodded.

  “With me?” she asked outraged. “You were dating my roommate!”

  “Because you told me to! And you didn’t care. Not enough.” But that wasn’t true. Of course she’d cared. I’d taken her virginity and the next day she had to sit back and watch me and Nicki happen. What I did to her. What she let me do to her.

  I dropped my head into my hands. “Fuck, Jules. You were a fucking masochist, weren’t you?”

  “Tell me, Ethan,” Carol prompted. “Tell me what it was like between you two back then.”

  * * *

  Harvard

  Ethan

  I knocked and waited. Jules opened the door and smiled. Then it happened, like it had been happening for weeks since I started dating Nicki. The smile fell and she looked away from me.

  “Hey,” I said, pushing past her into the room.

  “Nicki’s not here. She’s got class, but she should be back soon.”

  I gritted my teeth and plopped down on her bed. “I’m not here to see Nicki. Remember, Jules? There was a time when we hung out together. Just the two of us. Fuck, there was a time when you used to sleep in my bed.”

  “Well, that would be kind of crowded now, wouldn’t it?”

  I snapped my head in her direction. Was that bitterness? Jealousy? Or just her normal, self-protective sarcasm? I couldn’t tell and I hated it. I wanted to pry open her brain and see everything she was thinking.

  There was no doubt things had changed between us. There was a distance I didn’t like. I also knew I had the power to end it, but part of me…the horrible, awful part of me wanted to poke and prod at her weak spots to see if I could get her to break.

  “You have my notes?”

  She blinked a few times as if recalling that there was a reason for my being here.

  “Oh right.”

  Yes, right. I didn’t come here to hang out with my friend. I came here for the business transaction. I’d give her money and she’d give me her notes.

  She walked over to her desk and flipped open her laptop. Then I heard the printer going and she walked over to hand me the pages. Almost cautiously, like I might just as soon bite her.

  The crazy thing was, I wanted to. I wanted to bite and snap at her until I got a real reaction from her. Like if I could push her enough times on her shoulder, over and over, she would finally snap, and all this emotion would come pouring out of her.

  And somewhere in there would be the truth.

  But that came with a lot of risk. A risk I wasn’t willing to take. Beyond that it was decidedly unfair because I had no intention of reciprocating all that emotion. It was another reason Julia and I worked so well. Two completely bottled-up humans who recognized we were most comfortable that way.

  Or it was the reason why we had worked.

  Now, we weren’t working as well.

  I glanced at the notes, skimming them. “This isn’t word for word.”

  She shrugged. “It’s a summary of what you need. Trust me, it’s more efficient this way. That’s what you need to know.”

  “And you know what’s best for me?”

  She paused for a second. “Yes. When it comes to this, I do. Your GPA isn’t close to what it should be. It’s because you get too easily distracted.”

  “I’m taking the fucking pills, Jules.”

  She shook her head. “Ethan, your father has you convinced that taking Adderall is the answer. But part of it has to come from you and a desire to do the work. You don’t always have that.”

  I smirked. “Because it’s stupid and a waste of time.”

  “And there it is…” she said, as if she’d been waiting for me to say it.

  “It’s true. There is nothing I’m learning here that’s going to change the outcome of my future.”

  “Maybe not, but if you’re going to stick it out and make your parents happy, you need to do some of the work. A summary makes that easier for you. Trust me.”

  The door to the room opened and Nicki bounced inside. I noticed she did that a lot. Instead of walking, she sort of skipped. Instead of coming inside a room, she bounced in.

  It was rather ridiculous.

  “Ethan! I didn’t know you were going to be here. Did you miss me?”

  Yes. That was it. I missed Nicki. In my head, I was snorting and rolling my eyes. In front of Jules, I got up off the bed and kissed Nicki on the lips.

  “Of course I missed you. You want lunch?”

  “I could eat a salad.”

  Nicki proclaimed that salads were her favorite thing to eat. What horseshit. Whose favorite food was lettuce?

  “Excellent.” I looked at Jules. “You want to join us?”

  “Nope. I’m good. You two have fun.”

  I wondered if she knew what a tell it was. The way she answered a question with that quick rhythm that always included a statement about how fine she was or how good she was.

  Always in a way that made me not believe her. Was it working, what I was doing to her? Did it hurt her seeing me with Nicki? More importantly, did it hurt her enough to tell me to stop?

  Because that’s really what I wanted.

  “See you,” I said, even as I escorted Nicki out the door.

  “Yep,” Jules replied.

  In that brief second, I almost hated her. And what crushed me was that I could tell she hated me a little, too.

  * * *

  A few weeks later

  “Who is that guy?”

  Daniel turned in the direction I was staring. We were walking to our next class and I’d spotted Julia sitting on a bench with some guy next to her. He was saying something, and she was smiling.

  “His name is Malcolm and don’t go there.”

  “Don’t go where?”

  “Leave her alone and let her have that. She’s had to put up with you and Nicki for weeks. If some guy is into her, it’s okay for her to have that.”

  I needed to end things with Nicki. It was just…every time I tried, she gave me a reason for why we were so good together.

  “I’m asking who my friend is hanging out with,” I said defensively. “I wasn’t about to go over there and punch the guy out.”

  “Sure you were. And it’s fucked up. You don’t want her, but I know you, Ethan, and you’re not going to want anyone else to have her. Like she belongs to you and you alone.”

  She did belong to me.

  I found her first.

  I looked at Daniel. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “I’m talking about how you two are. Or were. Before Nicki. Tell me again why you decided to bang Julia’s roommate?”

  I thought back to the night it happened. I still didn’t even remember running into her after the bar. But I was in her bed with her the next morning and the used condom was still hanging from my dick.

  I apologized profusely. I couldn’t have been a good lay, and she said the only way she’d accept my apology was if I took her out on a real date.

  And since Jules had no problem with that, I did.

  I took Nicki out on a date. I took her back to my room. I fucked her and made her come a few times then, when it was done, I went to my bathroom and got sick.

  And the only reason I kept dating her was because she didn’t want it to end. At least, that’s what I told myself in the beginning. It was getting harder and harder to convince myself that was true.

  I watched as the guy reached out and touched Jules under her chin. She smiled but batted his hand away. He’d probably said something totally cheesy, which was not her thing.

  “He’s a computer science guy and absolutely her speed,” Daniel said.

  “What’s
that supposed to mean?”

  “It means I asked around. He’s not a player. He’s into her, for her. And she should have that with the guy who takes her cherry.”

  Suddenly, I wanted to hit Daniel very hard in the mouth. The anger was pulsing under my skin and I had to take a few shallow breaths to control it.

  “I’m serious, bro. Let her have this. It will equal things out between you two.”

  I forced myself to look away from them and started walking in the other direction. Daniel walking quietly next to me.

  “You’re right,” I said after a while.

  “I know.”

  “Jules and I, we’re more than just…” A college relationship. Something that, by its nature, was temporary.

  “I know that, too.” Daniel laughed. “You two are weird, but you’re glue. So if you’re banging her roommate, then she gets to have Malcolm.”

  Yeah. She did. For a time. Not forever.

  * * *

  A week later

  “Jules,” I called out even as I knocked on her dorm room door. It was Monday and usually she was waiting downstairs by the time I showed up. “Come on, we’re going to be late to class. I can’t believe you made me haul my ass up here.”

  The door opened, only it wasn’t Jules on the other side of the door. It was the guy from the Quad.

  The computer science guy. Malcolm.

  Fuck me. A rush of pure anger swept over me and, again, I used shallow breaths to control it. I’d been off the mood-controlling meds for now for almost eight months. Doing so well, I’d started to believe there wasn’t as much wrong with me as my father thought.

  Until times like this happened and all I wanted to do was punch this guy in his smug, nerdy face. He’d been with her. I could practically smell her on him.

  “I don’t think she’s going to class. She’s a little messed up right now. Won’t come out of the bathroom.”

  That was easy. Now my anger had someplace to go. I reached for the collar of his T-shirt and tugged him, so my face was up in his. “What the fuck did you do to her?”

  “Chill out, man, we had some beers last night. I didn’t know she was that drunk.”

  “I find out you took advantage of her, you’re a dead man.”

  “Hey, it was her idea. I didn’t do anything wrong!”

  “Get the fuck out of my sight.” I pulled on his shirt until he was past the door then stepped inside and slammed it behind me. I walked over to bathroom door and turned the knob without knocking.

  She was on her knees getting sick in the toilet, holding the seat up with one hand. I got behind her and held her forehead even as I pulled her hair back from her face. A few more heaves and she was done. I flushed the toilet and found a cup on the sink and filled it with water.

  “Sip slowly,” I told her as she took the cup from my hands, hers shaking.

  “Go away.”

  “No.”

  “I don’t want you to see me like this,” she said, turning her head away from me, leaning on the toilet as she did.

  “Tough. I’m the person who can see you like this.” I sat on the floor so we were at eye level.

  “Is he gone?” she asked quietly.

  “Lover Boy? Yes. He give you something? Do something you didn’t want? Tell me and I swear to Christ, I will have him murdered.”

  She shook her head. Then I watched her suck in air and swallow like she could will herself to not cry.

  “Ah fuck, Jules.” I reached over and pulled her toward me, tucking her against my chest. “It was your first time, wasn’t it?”

  That only made her cry harder.

  “I know. It can be scary, but it’s just sex, Jules. It’s not going to kill you.”

  “It sucked!” she said, even as she wiped her nose on my T-shirt.

  “Then he’s a fucker, although I can’t imagine the first time is ever easy for a girl.”

  “I thought it would be better. I thought I would feel more… But I hated it.”

  I tightened my arms around her and held fast. “I’m so sorry, baby. I wish you could have had rose petals and organs playing in the background. Not some drunken night with a guy who would leave you here on the bathroom floor. You deserve so much better.”

  “It wasn’t his fault,” she said, pulling away, hiccupping in a way that was adorable. “He was trying to be nice, but I just wanted him to leave. I suppose that’s over.”

  “Did you want to see him again?” I asked incredulously.

  She shrugged. “He liked me. I liked being liked.”

  I wasn’t sure why that bothered me, but it did. But I suppose if I was honest, the idea of Jules sleeping with anybody bothered me. Daniel was right. I didn’t want anyone else to have her, but I knew that was entirely for selfish reasons.

  And because I wasn’t the world’s largest asshole, I had to accept that she would be with other guys.

  I didn’t have to like it.

  I reached over, pulled off some toilet paper and handed it to her so she could blow her nose.

  “You should go. At least one of us should make it to class to take notes.”

  I shook my head. “I’m not leaving you.”

  “I’m okay now…just a little queasy. I think I’m officially over beer.”

  And guys. I wanted her to be over beer and guys.

  “I’ll take you for some greasy breakfast. Bacon is a known cure for hangovers.”

  She nodded, then it was like she remembered something. “What about Nicki?”

  “What about her?”

  “She won’t get angry if it’s just us?”

  I didn’t care if she did. In the pantheon of important people, Jules was miles ahead of Nicki. “I’m breaking up with her,” I said. The next time I saw her. And this time, I wouldn’t let her talk me out of it.

  “Why?”

  “Because…because it was stupid we were together in the first place. I don’t do relationships and I should have known myself better.”

  “Why do you say that like you’re cursed with some disease? You could be in a relationship if you wanted.”

  I shook my head. “I’m functioning without my meds. Barely, if my rage toward Lover Boy was any indication. A relationship, a real one, requires feelings and emotions and I try to keep those as under control as much I can. I was only dating Nicki because…”

  “Because?”

  This time I shrugged. “It was just easy. But it’s over next time I see her. Might mean we’ll have to spend more time hanging out in my room, but she’ll get over it.”

  “She likes you,” Jules said quietly. “She says it all the time.”

  That made me laugh. “She doesn’t even know me.”

  “Because you won’t let her.”

  “No,” I contradicted her. “Because I know if she actually got to know the real me, she wouldn’t like me. Five seconds with my OCD and she’d bail hard. What she likes is the image of me. Brilliant visionary and all that. I’m just a guy who looks good on her resume.”

  “Should I remind you that you still haven’t come up with any grand ideas yet? I don’t know that you can call yourself a visionary until you do.”

  I stood and pointed to her. “You have puke splash on your T-shirt and you’re calling me out? Take a shower and be ready in ten minutes or I’m baconing without you.”

  I left the bathroom and she got her stuff to head to the common shower room. I glanced over at her bed and thought about her being drunk and losing her virginity to some asshole who’d probably been just as drunk as she was.

  It made me want to throw the bed across the room and destroy everything in sight. This time, because no one was looking, I took some deep, calming breaths.

  I didn’t need meds. I just needed to get a handle on my shit. I was in control. I had to be.

  Jules was okay. She would recover and there would be other guys in the future. Guys who would treat her better. Like she deserved. There just couldn’t be a guy. One guy who might thi
nk of taking her away from me.

  Because that wasn’t going to happen.

  10

  Therapy

  Julia

  “You knew dating Nicki was crushing me. See?” I looked at Carol for support. “This is what I mean. He’s been hurting me like this for years and now I learn you were doing it intentionally? You asshole!”

  “It wasn’t intentional…it was…I don’t know. I just wanted a reaction from you. Do you know how hard that is? To get you, for one single moment, to drop your defenses and just be real with me?”

  “You hate emotion! You’ve said it a million times. I was trying to spare you that!”

  “I hate mine,” he snapped. “Not yours. And don’t play the innocent here. You can’t tell me that you weren’t doing the exact same thing with CJ.”

  “Who is CJ?” Carol asked.

  I squirmed in my seat. I didn’t like to think about CJ. What I had done to him. Why I had done it. At the time, I’d thought I was being so earnest. So sincere in my feelings for him.

  “Her fiancé!” Ethan railed.

  “He’s my ex-fiancé,” I muttered.

  “And why did you break up?” Carol asked.

  Ethan looked at me, his bushy eyebrows raised in that smug look that made me want to punch him in the nose.

  “It...it just didn’t work out.”

  “Because you didn’t love him,” Ethan said. “Admit it.”

  “I didn’t date him to hurt you,” I said in lieu of answering his question.

  “He was my chief technology officer!” Ethan fired back. “I had to watch him moon over you for months. And you’re suggesting that wasn’t about making me suffer?”

  I winced. Had it been? Because, no lie, that had been part of the attraction. The way CJ treated me in front of Ethan. The way he doted on me, the way he was so openly affectionate with me. Everything Ethan wasn’t, CJ had been.

  “We’re so fucked up,” I said, moaning.

  “Let’s go back to college,” Carol said, trying to reel us in. “What happened after you broke up with Nicki, Ethan?”