T.H.E.i.

by Karl Tutt

  Chapter 7

  “You’ve had one of those dreams again. Dr. Calmdon was here yesterday. He can come back and help. I am here for you. Take the fluids. Perhaps a trip. One of your favorites. Athens, the Greek islands, a long cruise under sail. Just say the word and I will make it happen.”

  I knew she meant it . . . anything for me. After all, were in our paradise and it was all at my fingertips. I tugged my withered leg from beneath me and sat up on the sofa.

  “I do want to go.”

  “Where? Just tell me.”

  “Out.”

  What do you mean ‘out’?”

  “I mean out of this unit. Out of that door. Down the steps. Into the street. I want to see, hear, smell, and feel the things that lie beyond that door . . . away from the Vid. I want to know what the others are doing, hear them laugh . . . or even cry.”

  Suzy looked away and dropped her head. “I don’t think you realize what you’re asking. Don’t you see? We have it all . . . right here. This is our Valhalla, our heaven, our Nirvana, and anything that makes it less makes us less. Why would you want anything else? Isn’t ‘perfect’ enough?”

  It should be, I thought. But since I had merged with the man in my dreams, a new thing had been created. A longing, a vague dissatisfaction. There was a dark hole in me. It was growing and I couldn’t stop it. Unless I could slow it down, it would swallow me like a giant fish and I would remain in the acid of its belly until I was no more.

  “I can’t take you,” she said, “not there. It’s not allowed. It would mean I have failed. T.H.E.I. would know and I would cease to be.”

  I was shocked. Suzy had never said “no” to me. How could she do it now? I looked at her in timid askance polluted by defiance. She shook her head and spoke quietly.

  “If you must go, there is one who can take you. The Dwarf.”

  She stood gracefully for a moment, as if waiting for me to denounce my vile request. I didn’t. She dropped her head, sighed sadly, and disappeared into the bedroom. I could hear soft sobbing as she eased the door closed. I followed her. I kissed her on the cheek. It pulsed with a blushing warmth. I’m not sure why, but I went to the closet, turned by back to her, and pulled the small knife from behind the loose board. I quickly dropped it into my pocket with my right hand.

  There was something magical in the way he appeared. A light tap on the door. I cracked it just a bit and his twisted head leaned into the space. A trace of spittle hung from his lower lip. If possible, he seemed even shorter and more distorted, as if everything about him had been compressed. He offered his hand. It was knotted and absent of any moisture. The skin was papery and translucent, as if it was lifeless and ready to peel off the protruding bones.

  I took it I mine. In his other hand he clutched something small and black. I could make out a series of buttons on it. My left leg was numb and I swung it as best I could toward the stairs, clumping along like an ancient peg-legged pirate eager to find the loose earth where the treasure was buried. Fortunately there was only one flight, but it seemed hours as we descended. Spikes of pain began to pump in the withered limbs.

  “So you finally think I might be right?” His voice spit and snapped like a raging fire.

  “I just want to see. I want to know. Suzy said only you can show me.”

  “Still listening to her, are you? I’ve already told you, but you refuse to comprehend. Maybe when you see what’s out there, you’ll get some sense about you. If you don’t, then the hell with you. The Void will go on and the others will get there. One less crippled fool won’t make much difference.”

  I could see the light outside through the small glass window in the rusty metal. It had a plague-like hue to it, like a deadly pestilence that lurked, waiting for the chance to invade and swallow anyone bold enough immerse himself in it. The Dwarf placed his hand gingerly on the knob and turned. There was an eerie squealing sound, as if the door dared you to open it.

  We blundered out into the pale. I stood on the step and scanned the horizon. There was nothing living. A panorama of tall, needle-like, gray buildings stood silently at attention. There were no windows, no balconies, no tables and chairs like the streets of Paris. They were silhouetted in a sky that was a lurid orange, sickly, infected, oozing its own cancerous pus. There was no sound. I waited for a dog to bark, the clatter of a streetcar, the huffing of a bus, but there was nothing. We clamored painfully down the steps and into the street. A few snatches of stray paper tumbled towards God knows where.

  The air was fetid. It crawled up my nose, now surging and defiling my lungs. My breaths were short and shallow. The Dwarf seemed to revel in my struggle, his eyes fiery and accusing. He looked at me several times as if to say “I told you so”.

  “This is what you have,” he said, “this is the reality you have sought. How do like it, fool? Can your ghostly female sorceress transform this . . . give it the color of life? Do you choose to return to that virtual space that deceives you and convinces you that you don’t merely exist . . . that you are a living, feeling, being instead of an empty shell, a husk . . . a willing cipher who seeks his sustenance in the hideous miasma of the Vid. Will you continue to listen to the lies from her lips? Lies that T.H.E.I. program into her to weave their web of mindless enchantment. Or will you join us in the Void, where a man inhales the essence of life, whether it be good or otherwise . . . where he embraces those things that make him human regardless of the struggle and sometimes the agony. What say you, Mark? Will you live, or merely be their willing pawn, existing in a cloud that the bastards have created to deny you free will, choices, despite the confusion and turmoil they bring? Seek the Void.”

  I drew another breath of the putrid air. It burned as if a foul bile had poisoned my lungs. He pointed at the horizon, and waved his hand like a miniature magician. It was misty, uncertain at first. Then it took form. It was a child, a girl, maybe twelve. She wore a white tank top and a skirt of red. Her long curls billowed over her head, shrouding her face. Behind her was a panorama of mountains . . . a forest at their base . . . green, pulsing with existence, the thread of life pouring from the roots of the trees. A field of wildflowers surrounded her. Yellow, purple, pink, a fiesta of color and vibrancy. She held a small bouquet in her small hands. I smelled the fresh grace of the blossoms and heard the faint sound of gentle laughter. I couldn’t see her face, but I knew she was smiling. It lasted only an instant. I shook my head and the poisons returned.

  “I am ready to go back,” I said, but the vision lingered. It interred itself in what might even have been my soul. Was this the Void? This celebration of this vital spark and the beauty which was its handmaiden?

  We turned and bumped back toward the door. I listened, I focused on the horizon. Now there was nothing . . . no sound . . . no movement . . . nothing but the venomous orange sky that smothered us, and the concrete sentinels whose mission was to guard against the joy and the sorrow that made us human.

  Each step tortured my leg and the grasp of my left arm on the rail of the stairs seemed leaden and bloodless. Their beast was gaining on me . . . of that I had no doubt. The Dwarf clutched my good hand and held the black device close to his breast. He smelled of stale sweat.

  We entered the unit. Suzy was standing in front of the Vid. She glared at the Dwarf.

  “And so, you little bastard, have you shown Mark what lies beyond? Has he seen the outside? Did he celebrate the filth and the emptiness that characterize your vision of freedom? Is that the answer your infidels offer in the Void?”

  “Shut up, flickering bitch. I know what you are . . . and what you aren’t.”

  He took a step toward her. She approached him and drew her arm back. Then she released a clenched fist with a malevolent force that should have staggered the contorted little man. He stood steady and her hand passed through him like the wind through a flimsy curtain. I didn’t understand. The blow should have knocked him off of his misshapen feet. But he stood and grinned at her. Then he loo
ked at me, paused and pointed the black device at her.

  “Disappear, you ghostly whore. Return to your nether world in the bowels of hell.”

  She hesitated and lurched in retreat. I heard a barely audible click. She vanished. My Suzy had vanished. I limped to the spot where she had stood. I called her name. I waited, but there was no answer. No trace of the thing that loved me without reservation.

  “She is gone, you damned fool. I told you. She is not real . . . never was. She is the creation of the masterminds of virtual nothingness. She comes only at their bidding to deny you your own humanity. Abandon her and come with me to the Void where at least you are certain that you are alive. Don’t let them complete the process . . . take you on to TC . . . drain you until you are an empty vessel that they can fill with whatever venom suits them.”

  Suzy, my Suzy . . . was gone and with her all of the things that made my existence not only tolerable, but in many ways, pure joy. The arm, the leg . . . they were merely appendages. Did they really matter? Did I really need them? I had Paris, Barcelona, the snowy Alps, and the blue waters of the Mediterranean. I also had love. I had convinced myself it was real. I had seen it and felt it. It was in her gentle touch, and deep in the recesses of my loins. The smell of our lovemaking. With her I was whole. How could I deny it? Perhaps I had a glimpse of the Void, but what did it promise? Could I trust a fleeting vision? With Suzy, I had my own reality . . . I believed that . . . or did I?

  I hesitated. The conflicting images battled within me. The Dwarf glared. He screamed, “Make your choice.”

  For a moment, I couldn’t, but then I snatched for the remote. He whipped his hand behind his waist, and backed away.

  “You shall not have it. You will become one of us. The Void is your salvation. T.H.E.I. do not exist in that place. In the Void a man is free to rise or fall, as it should be. He knows. He loves . . . he hates. It is as God intended. Do not choose the illusion. Accept the truth. It is the only way.”

  I hesitated again, but the swelling rose within me. It was her force. It expanded, pounded, howled for release. It drove me. I placed my good hand in my pocket. Perhaps he was right, but how could I know? I had to choose before it was too late. A frenzied cadence clapped and rebounded through my twisted mind. What was real? Was it a condition or a concept? In what way did I evaluate it? What was its ultimate worth? Living or existence? Which one would I embrace? And was there actually a difference? My mind screeched and swam. I was drowning, I felt the noxious brine cover my lips and crawl up my nose. My only salvation, if that’s what it was, lay in choosing a direction . . . making a decision that would dictate my path . . . my destiny.

  I flipped open the knife. With my withered arm, I embraced him. I was weak, but so was he. I buried the small blade in his neck. The blood gushed immediately, then spit like a small red volcano. I jerked the steel out and plunged again. Then again. His lips curled and a feral cry escaped. He gaped at me with yellow eyes. They pleaded for an instant, then began to dim. He blinked once. Now they were vacant. He slumped to the floor, pulling me down with him. I tugged my withered arm from beneath his body and pried the remote from his still jerking hand.

  “It’s not too late,” he whispered. “You are forgiven. Go. The Void will embrace you.”

  I snatched staccato breaths, my heart throbbing in painful bursts. What was I doing? I had killed a man, and for what? Was it all an illusion as the Dwarf had said? Why had Suzy disappeared with a click of the black device? Could I bring her back . . . and if I did, would it justify a bloody death that I had delivered with my own hand? I looked at the knife. I had left it in his neck. Now the blood was coming in thick waves. His eyes retreated into his head, creating a waxen mask.

  I struggled to my feet and looked at the empty spaces in the unit. Then I pointed the device at the last place Suzy had stood. I pushed the red button. Nothing. I pressed my thumb against it and hammered. Still nothing. I thought I had lost her. Then there was a flickering . . . faint at first, then blossoming into brilliant silver and gold. It took shape. My mind and my body begged.

  “I told you. I am always here for you.”

  Her dark hair was radiant and the blush of her cheeks exuded love and warmth. She reached an ivory hand toward me and placed it gently on my shoulder. Her breath was sweet as freshly fallen dew. The virtual electricity of her presence made the unit glow. She pointed at the body on the floor.

  “You have done a thing that is right. We are together. That’s all that matters.”

  She pointed at the body.

  “This will come clean. T.H.E.I. will see to it. Follow me.”

  She took my hand and led me to the bedroom. The door shut with barely a sound. It was a day and a night like none I’d ever experienced. We writhed in sweat and the liquids of love until the sheets were soaked. The scent of her body lingered, enveloping me in a damp web, a cocoon of fingers and tongues. My body was whole, muscle and manhood flooding from every pore. She whispered. She moaned. Her pelvis thrust up to meet mine. Then she exploded . . . not once . . . not twice. It went on.

  When I woke, Suzy was gone. I put my right hand to my left arm. It hung like shriveled fruit, putrefying, and waiting to fall from a dying tree. My leg was shriveled, small and mottled, the color of a rotting lime. The taste of Suzy was still in my mouth. I stumbled like a drunk into the large room of the unit. There was no trace of the Dwarf, no body, no blood, no knife, and no remote. He had vanished as though the hideous act had never taken place. I shook my head. Was it a dream . . . no, a nightmare? Had I killed him? I didn’t know, but I did know that I had Suzy. She was with me once again. Perhaps that was the only reality I should embrace . . . even treasure . . . no matter the cost.

  Chapter 8

  That afternoon as I lay on the sofa, he came to me again --- the man with which I was one --- but this time the words were spoken in unison . . . directly within us.

  “I have killed. The reason is elusive. I have seen the blood of a fellow human being run into the carpet as I stood over him . . . watching his death throes, hearing his last gasp for breath, watching the film overtake his eyes as they sunk into the back of his head. He seemed to stare at me . . . to accuse, to condemn. But it is done. I am guilty. I carry it with me for an eternity. He welcomed me to hell. I have received the sentence of the Dwarf. Nothing can save me, but perhaps there is no salvation for man. Only his cursed duality . . . his failure to find satisfaction . . . the inability to find home, the longing for peace . . . but the will to do violence. Live with it . . . die with it. It is the conundrum that cannot be resolved. There is no forgiveness and no redemption.”

  I woke in the stink of my own stale secretions. My left hand was no longer part of my body. It lay on the floor like a child’s discarded toy. I touched my leg. It would follow.

  Epilogue

  Suzy doesn’t come much any longer. When she does, she comes like a nurse, quickly checking, but too busy and too distracted to listen or to touch. My body can’t be far from TC. Nothing works. I can still feed myself and tend to the most basic of needs. I still have the Vid, but the images are faint and the sound is muffled. It’s only a matter of time, and I don’t have much left.