True Loves (A Collection of Firsts)

by Michelle A. Valentine

  It’s a romance novel, and so far the love story is very angsty and intense—which reminds me a whole lot of the relationship I have with Xavier.

  “Is that a good one?” he asks.

  I turn toward him to answer just as he drops the towel and grabs his underwear off the bed.

  “Ohmigod!” I shriek and immediately cover my eyes. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to—”

  “Look?” Xavier chuckles.

  “Yes,” I whisper, completely mortified.

  “It’s okay, Anna. I’m sure what I’ve got isn’t anything you haven’t seen before. You were an engaged woman once. I’m sure you’re experienced in that region.”

  I squeeze my eyelids tighter.

  If he only knew just how lacking I am in that department, he would probably tease me relentlessly, so I don’t reply.

  Once he’s dressed, Xavier pulls back the blankets and slides in next to me. I expect him to stay on his side of the bed, but he doesn’t, scooting close enough to me that our arms touch as he leans over and tilts my book up so he can read the title.

  “Rock My Bed? That sounds dirty. I never pegged you for the type to read smutty books,” he teases.

  I shake my head. “It’s not smut, it’s a romance. The woman is trying to help the broken man heal and see that he’s a good person, even though the hero denies that he is for most of the book. “

  Xavier leans back against the pillow and tucks one arm behind his head. Even though I shouldn’t, I allow my gaze to wander down the toned muscles of his bicep and chest. He’s so beautiful, it’s hard not to stare at the work of art that is his body.

  “That’s the problem with women in fiction. It’s always the man who needs fixing. Why can’t it be the chick who’s fucked up for a change?”

  “There are lots of great works out there about that very thing,” I reply.

  “Not as many as men with problems,” he fires back. “All you women read those books and pray to find a ‘fixer-upper’ who you can ‘heal’ when the reality is that most men don’t talk about their issues for a reason. It’s best to leave the past in the past rather than dig old shit up.”

  Instantly, it hits me that he’s talking about more than just fictional characters. He never wants to talk about his family for a reason.

  “That may work for a little while, but surely you don’t believe avoidance is the best way to handle problems.”

  He shakes his head. “Of course I don’t think that. Sometimes an ass-kicking works just as well for people who have it coming.”

  I sit up and face him. Now might be a good time to try and get him to open up to me. “You’re talking current events though. I’m talking more along the lines of old problems you can’t necessarily fight your way out of.”

  He turns those intense blue eyes on me, and my heart races. “I know what you’re trying to do, Anna, but it’s not going to work.”

  Busted.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  Xavier shoves himself up and off the bed before walking toward his suitcase. He rifles through his clothes, pulling out a pair of jeans, socks, and a t-shirt.

  Every time I feel like I’m starting to get somewhere, he shuts me down and runs away. “Where are you going? We’re talking.”

  After he quickly dresses, he shoves his feet into his boots. “I’ve told you before, I don’t talk about my past.”

  “Why?” I ask, confused and curious as to what could possibly be so bad that he won’t tell me anything about his past.

  “My problems aren’t like one of your books, Anna. There’s no fucking formula to fix me. My shit—it’s fucking real. It’s not all in my head. The things I’ve lived through, the things I’ve done—” He cuts himself off and squeezes his eyes shut, like it pains him to even think about it. “I should be in prison right now, but instead, I’m sitting here with you. Don’t think for one second that I’m not a monster, because I am. I can’t change who or what I am. I hate to disappoint you, but I’m not a hero. I’m the fucking villain in this story.”

  “That’s not what I’m not trying to do!” I argue, even though deep down I know he’s right. From the moment I met him, I have tried to size him up and justify my feelings for him.

  “Yes, you are. You’ve got it into your head that I’ve got some redeemable quality that I just haven’t uncovered yet. Do you know how insane that sounds? I’m not like you, Anna. Growing up, I didn’t have the luxury of getting lost in some fictional world. I didn’t have time to have a fucking imagination, or dreams. All I worried about was staying alive and surviving—something you wouldn’t have the first clue about.”

  “You think I’ve had it easy? My father hates me.” Tears burn my eyes, but I refuse to allow them to fall. “Do you know what that’s like?”

  Xavier runs his fingers through his hair and drops his head to stare at the floor for a moment before returning his icy blue stare to me. “More than you’ll ever know.”

  The words bounce around in my brain, and they anger me. “And I’ll never know because you won’t tell me a damn thing about you. You give me bits and pieces, but you never tell me anything real. How am I supposed to be a friend and help you if you refuse to open up to me?”

  “Don’t push this, Anna. Let it go.” He raises his voice, and I flinch.

  I’m pissing him off? Well good, because I’m pissed off now too. “No!”

  He narrows his eyes at me and grabs his keys off the table. “I don’t need this shit.”

  He storms toward the door, running away yet again. But this time I’m not letting it go. “We aren’t done with this conversation.”

  The muscle in his jaw works beneath his skin as he turns around to face me. “We are now.”

  It takes every inch of my willpower not to reach out and grab his arm to force him to stay here with me and finish this.

  “Where are you going?”

  “Out,” is all he says, before turning back around and pushing through the door.

  My body jerks when the door slams shut behind him, and I don’t even get so much as a second look.

  If I keep pushing like this, I will lose him—I know that. But I also can’t have a friendship with someone who hides vital parts of themselves from me.

  I flop back onto the bed and stare up at the white ceiling. I owe him an apology. I have no right to pry, forcing him to tell me things he doesn’t want to, but I’m greedy. I want all of him.

  I lay awake staring at the alarm clock on the nightstand. It’s nearly two in the morning and Xavier still hasn’t come back yet.

  This isn’t good.

  He needs his rest. Tomorrow is Tuesday, and I know Tension is a live televised event and Xavier has a match. Being out like this won’t be good for his performance.

  I pick up my phone, debating whether to call him or not when I notice a new text has arrived from Father. I clutch the phone to my chest. I’ve been avoiding him now for over a week, but he’s been relentless with his messages.

  As always, my curiosity wins out. I raise the phone up and flick my finger across the screen. My breath catches. What I read is such a different tone than what I’d been receiving. Most of the week Father’s words have been angry and demeaning—pointing out all my faults, and telling me how leaving everything behind was a huge mistake. How I wasn’t being smart. How if I didn’t come back, I should forget I even have a family.

  That one hurt the most.

  It was the last one I read before this new one, which blows my mind.

  Father: I need to know where you are and that you’re safe. At least give me that. I sigh as I read his words. He’s worried. I can tell. The least I can do is let him know where I am. I quickly tap out a message in reply.

  I’m safe. I’m in Atlanta. Working for a wrestler who’s on TV.

  It’s not an exact location, but it should be enough information to appease him. As hard as it may be to believe, I do love my father, but he’s too controlling and I need
distance from him.

  I’m my own person with my own will—desperate to make my own choices. And the choices will be mine, and I will be happy making the wrong ones because at least the mistakes will be my own.

  Speaking of wrong choices, I need to talk to my ‘possible wrong decision’ and apologize. Make him come back and get some sleep.

  I scroll down through my contacts and my thumb hovers over Xavier’s name just as the door opens and he creeps through the door. I squint, as the light from the hallway fills in around him.

  The second the door closes, we’re wrapped in darkness. It takes a moment for my eyes to adjust, but finally they do, and I see Xavier standing beside the bed, staring down at me frowning, his hands shoved deep in his pockets.

  He’s quiet for a few long, torturous seconds, but finally he sighs and sits on the bed. “I’m sorry I kept you awake.”

  I sit up and reach for his hand. “Don’t. It’s me who should be apologizing. We’ve had this talk before and I know you don’t like to—”

  Xavier presses his index finger to my lips. “I’ve had some time to think about all that. It’s not fair of me to blow up when you ask simple questions about my family. You’re curious about me, I get that. Maybe someday I’ll be able to talk about them, but right now, I just can’t. I hope you can understand that.”

  I nod.

  “There are things about me, Anna, that I don’t want anyone to know—especially not you. My family…they weren’t good people, but they were all I knew. I thought the things they did were normal for so long. It wasn’t until I met Nettie and Carl that I discovered differently. I don’t want you to pity me. That would kill me more than anything. I have to be strong. Don’t you see?”

  I stare into his eyes and trace the scruff along his jawline. “It’s okay to be vulnerable sometimes, Xavier. You can be that with me. The past is just that—the past. I base how I feel about you on the man I know you are today. You’re protective and strong, and above all else, you have an amazing heart.”

  He closes his eyes and leans into my touch. “You don’t know what you’re asking for. I’m so fucked up, Anna.”

  I bite my lip and cradle his face in my hands. “You’re not. I wish you could see what I do.”

  I know we’ve had problems, and our relationship is nowhere near perfect, but right now I don’t care about any of that. Every inch of me craves him. I want him to know that he matters to me—that I’m not going anywhere.

  I lean in closer to him, and he closes his eyes again before resting his forehead against mine, resisting my kiss. “If we smash these fucking friendship rules there’s no going back. Once I have you—that’s it, you’re mine. I won’t allow another man to take what’s mine. Do you understand?”

  My mouth drifts open and I whisper, “Yes.”

  He presses his lips lightly against mine, teasing me. “I’ve wanted you from the moment I saw you, Anna. All this waiting has been driving me out of my fucking mind.”

  Xavier’s hand slides up my stomach, teasing me with his slow touch. He continues going up until he reaches my breast. The thin fabric of my nightgown is all that separates his hand from my bare skin, and I’m tempted to tear it away myself, just to feel him.

  His touch is so much better than I ever imagined. I close my eyes and get lost in how good it makes me feel. Never has a man turned me on like this before.

  It’s almost like an out-of-body experience. Never have I been this wild and carefree. Never have I acted on something I’ve wanted so badly.

  And it feels amazing.

  My head falls back a bit, and I moan before he threads his fingers in my hair and pulls it back up. His mouth crushes into mine, and I throw my hands into that sexy hair of his.

  “I’ll be a good man to you, Anna,” he says against my lips. “I swear it.”

  “You’re already a good man,” I whisper.

  He crushes his mouth against mine again. His tongue searching and probing my mouth like it’s too excited to behave. This kiss feels so different. It’s primal and demanding, like he’s marking me as his.

  Xavier’s nose skims my cheek before he nips on my earlobe.

  “I need to feel you.”

  He pulls back the blanket and slides his hand up my thigh until his fingers reach the edge of my nightgown. With one quick swoop, it’s over my head, and my breasts are fully exposed. Goosebumps pepper my naked flesh, and I dip my head as he appraises me.

  His index finger slides under my chin, and he lifts my head so he can gaze into my eyes. “So fucking beautiful.”

  My heart pounds with excitement. All my daydreams about what this would be like are being surpassed already. I can’t even explain what I’m feeling. All I know is that I want him. My body actually aches for him to touch me more.

  The warmth of his mouth, licking and teasing the sensitive skin below my ear, causes an ache between my legs so intense I actually squirm.

  Xavier chuckles. “Patience, baby. I’m going to make you feel so good.”

  My hand slips under the hem of his shirt and I run my nails across the deep ripples in his abdomen. I’m so ready to feel his body of perfection pressed against me. He grabs the back of his shirt and drags it over his head, making his hair wild and sexy.

  His defined muscles tense as I lean in and kiss a trail along his broad shoulders. He closes his eyes when I reach his neck and press my lips against his flesh. The salty taste of his skin coats my tongue as taste him.

  I pull back and his eyes flash down to mine. “Change your mind?”

  I shake my head. “I want you.”

  That simple phrase triggers something because I’m instantly on my back beneath him as he kisses his way down my chest, pausing to swirl his tongue around my taut nipple. He grazes his teeth against it, teasing me even more.

  “Oh God,” is all I can manage to breath out.

  He pushes himself up off the bed and makes quick work of unzipping his jeans and kicking off his boots. I watch openly as he shoves his boxers and pants down around his hips before allowing them to drop to the floor. His cock springs free, and my mouth drops open. It’s quite impressive.

  Staring at his sizeable length, I have the desire to do something I’ve never done before. I crawl toward him and run my hands up his muscular thighs. His breath catches the moment I tease the tip of his length with my mouth.

  “Christ,” he mumbles before tangling his fingers into my hair as I continue my assault on him. I gag a bit when his head touches the back of my throat and I pull back a bit but keep going.

  Xavier moans. “Fuck. You keep that up, and I’ll come in that pretty mouth of yours.”

  I don’t want that to happen—not today anyway. I want to feel him inside me, moving, pushing me to my limits. He emits a low growl, and I pull away.

  His hooded eyes stare into mine. “Now it’s my turn to taste you.”

  He bends down and flicks his tongue across my bottom lip as he grabs the waistband of my panties and tugs them off my body. Xavier kneels down at the edge of the bed and grabs my hips, flipping me onto my back and dragging my ass to the edge of the bed. A thrill of the unknown shoots through me as I lie here, stripped bare before him.

  “Spread your legs,” he orders, and I comply without hesitation.

  A rush of cold air hits my most sensitive flesh before it’s immediately replaced with warmth. Xavier’s dips his tongue and drags it between my folds. He licks rapid circles over my clit, and I cry out with the tingling build of pleasure I’ve never known before.

  My entire body shakes as an orgasm rips through me, and I scream out his name.

  Once I’ve calmed down, Xavier kisses the mound above my pussy and begins kissing a path up my stomach, chest, and neck. “That was so fucking hot. I nearly came just watching you get off.”

  The weight of his body on top of mine feels heavenly as I stare into his eyes. “I’m going to fuck you now. I want to feel that tight little pussy around me, milking me.”

>   One of his hands grips my thigh and hooks it around his waist. “Is this pussy ready for me?”

  I suck in a quick breath as he slides his cock against my wet folds. I don’t know how much more teasing I can take. “Yesssss.”

  “Then I want to hear you say it.” He kisses my lips, and I taste myself on him. “Tell me, baby. I want to know you’re mine, and that you know you belong to me.”

  I arch my back against him and run my hands down his back.

  Every inch of me craves him, and usually I’d be too embarrassed to talk like this, but if I don’t voice what he wants to hear he’s not going to give me what I need. “I’m yours.”

  “Don’t you fucking forget it, either,” he growls and pushes inside me.

  I dig my nails into his back and whimper. I should’ve warned him that I’d only had sex one other time.

  He furrows his brow. “Jesus. Are you all right?”

  I relax around him, and the burn begins to fade away as I get used to his length. “I’m fine. It’s just been a while.”

  He brushes my hair back from my face. “How long is a while?”

  I swallow hard. “Over a year, but I’ve only done it one other time.”

  He squeezes his eyes tight. “Fuck. You’re probably not on the pill either. I should’ve asked.”

  I shake my head, and he begins to pull himself out of me. “Please. Don’t stop. I need this. I need you.”

  I can see the conflict in his eyes and for a moment I’m afraid he’s going to tell me no, but then he begins moving inside me.

  He buries his face into my hair and whispers, “I’m not going to come in you. I’ll have to pull out before then.”

  I nod, understanding. “Okay.”

  I close my eyes and bite my lip, as he pumps into me at a deliciously slow pace. When I open them, he’s hovering over me, watching my face as he takes me.

  A small bead of sweat forms his upper lip and I lean up and lick it. The salty taste washes over my tongue as he begins to pant.

  “Damn it. I can’t believe I’m this close already. It’s you, knowing I’m inside you has me so fucking turned on. It’s too fucking hard to hold back.”