by Zack Zombie
And then we started smiling. . .and then laughing. . .then high fiving each other.
I think we were all just glad we were still alive.
CLANG!
“AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!”
Then we just ran out of there as fast as we could.
Sunday
A few days later. . .
I lost my diary. . .cough. . .I mean journal, in the abandoned mineshaft the other day.
But, I wasn’t brave enough to go back and find it.
So I had to wait till today to get my allowance and get a new one.
I just hope no one finds my diary and reads it.
I would probably die of total embarrassment if somebody every got their hands on that thing.
But I probably shouldn’t worry.
I don’t think anybody is crazy enough to go back to that place.
I hope. . .
Monday
Today, they announced that Greendale Mob High School’s ninth grade class was going to host our school Dance Party.
And guess who was going to be running the decoration committee?
That’s right! My future girlfriend, Carrie Flenderman!
They asked for some eighth graders to volunteer, so you know I had to do it to get close to Carrie.
“I’ll dazzle her with my decorating skills,” I told Slimey.
“Dude, what decorating skills? The only colors you know how to match are turquoise and blue.”
“You’ll see, I’ll be like Michelangelo.”
“You mean the Ninja Turtle?”
“UUUURRGGGHHH. Forget it.”
“Hey, there she is again,” I said as I watched her holding her clipboard with her long arms. I just love how she. . .
“Dude, you’re staring at her. . .You’d better stop or she’ll think you’re stalking her again.”
I just couldn’t help looking at Carrie as I watched her gracefully use her long legs to walk over the tables in the gym to show us where she wanted the decorations to go.
As I stared at her moving gracefully around the gym, I. . .
“AAAAAHHHH!!!!”
. . .Bumped into Rachel.
“Ewww, stalker,” Rachel said as she looked down on me with her big black eye sockets.
I just tried to ignore her like I usually do and get another glance at Carrie, but by then Carrie left.
“Thanks a lot, Rachel.”
“Dude, you really need to get a life,” she said as she slithered away.
Tuesday
I got the weirdest email today.
It went something like this. . .
>> (scroll down)
>>
>>
>>Now make a wish!!!
>>
>>
>> No, really, go on and make one!!!
>>
>>
>> Oh, please, she’ll never go out with you!!!
>>
>>
>>But, if you send this email to 5096 people in the next five seconds, your wish will totally come true!
Oh man, my finger hurts.
. . .And I totally lost count.
>> (scroll down some more)
>>
>>
>> But if you don’t send it to exactly 5096 people, you will grow a mole that will grow and grow, and then it will turn into a mad goat that will murder you and throw you off a high building into a pile of cow poo. And then a human will eat your brain and turn your entrails into a belt to hold up his pants for all eternity. It’s true! Because, THIS letter isn’t like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!!
Aw, man, I’m doomed!
WAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!
Well, it’s a good thing these things are fake.
Gulp!
I hope. . .
Wednesday
“Zombie, your father and I need to go to a special PTA meeting tonight, and I called a babysitter to watch you and Wesley again.”
“Sure, anything you say, Mom.”
“Now, I don’t want to hear any lip young. . .wha?”
I guess my mom wasn’t ready for that. But this is my chance to make it up to Carrie for scaring her last time.
“It’s no problem, Mother. I’ll be on my best behavior,” I said.
“Francis! QUICK! ZOMBIE IS DELIRIOUS. HE MUST’VE EATENT THOSE BERRIES FROM THE GARDEN AGAIN!”
“Mom, I’m all right. I just realized the error of my ways, and I am attempting to make up for all my past mistakes.”
My mom just looked at me like she wasn’t sure whether to rush me to the hospital or drop down on her knees and praise Mojang.
DING DONG!
“Well. . .there she is,” my mom said. “Zombie, could you go downstairs and get the door while your father and I finish getting ready?”
“Absolutely, Mother, anything for you.”
Yes! This is my chance to really impress Carrie.
C’mon, Zombie, you can do this. . .Remember, act real cool, like Liquid Nitrogen.
I just had to practice my cool voice a little before I opened the door.
“Hey, baby, wasssahappening?”
Nah! That won’t work. Let me try that again.
“Hey, doll, we’re not socks. But I think we’d make a great pair.”
No, no, no. . .
“Hey, Darlin’, are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart?”
DING DONG!
“ZOMBIE! Please get the door!” my mom yelled.
Well, here it goes. . .
I opened the door and looked up so I could look into Carrie’s beautiful purple eyes, when all of a sudden. . .
“No. . .No. . .NONONONONONO. . . NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
“Oh, hi, Rachel,” my mom said as she and Dad came down the stairs.
“Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Zombie,” Rachel said.
“You know Zombie, right, Rachel? I don’t know why he’s sitting in the corner rocking back and forth like that. But you know, he’s going through puberty right now and strange things are happening to his body. Like yesterday, he started growing this mole. . .”
“MOM!”
“It’s OK, Mrs. Zombie. Zombie and I go way back. I’m used to his funny behavior,” Rachel said as she gave me a menacing look, like I wouldn’t make it past the night.
“I’m sorry to call you at the last minute, but we had some problems with our last babysitter,” my mom said as she also gave me a menacing look.
“No problem, Mrs. Zombie. I’ve been wanting to catch up with Zombie for a long time.”
Oh, man. I knew I was in trouble.
“How’s your mom and dad?” my dad asked Rachel. “I miss spending time with them.”
“They’re fine, Mr. Zombie. They have fond memories of you and Mrs. Zombie too.”
“Oh, great. Well, Wesley is upstairs in his room, and when Zombie gets up from the floor he’ll show you around the house,” my mom said. “Goodbye, Rachel. Goodbye, Zombie.”
“NONONONONONO. . .”
Last thing I heard was the dungeon door creaking and closing shut as it closed for the last time, leaving me to rot for all of eternity.
“You’re mine now, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
I recognized that maniacal laugh from the days when my mom and dad used to let Rachel watch me when we were kids.
I still can’t remember much from those days. But, it’s probably better that way. It was probably so traumatizing that my young mind just blocked it out to protect me.
“All right, Noob. Where’s the food? I’m hungry.”
A few hours into my prison sentence and after Rachel ate most of the food in the fridge, i
t started to rain and thunder outside.
RUMBLE. . .CLAPBOOM!
Suddenly, all the lights went out in the house.
Wesley and I were huddled on the floor in the living room, just trying to do our best to keep ourselves alive for the next few hours.
RUMBLE. . .CLAPBOOM!
“Do you know what that sound is?” Rachel asked in her Witch voice.
That voice always creeped me out. But it made sense since her mom is a Witch.
“That’s the sound of the Ender-zombie coming out to look for his dinner!”
RUMBLE. . .CLAPBOOM!
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
Wesley held me as tight as he could.
“Zumby, who’s the ENDER-ZUMBY?” Wesley asked me in a scared voice.
“Rachel, please keep your stories to yourself. Can’t you see you’re creeping out the little kid!”
The truth was that I was getting creeped out.
I mean, after hearing about Harry O’Brien coming back from the dead to fight Steve and all the other crazy stuff that had been happening, I wouldn’t doubt it if there was some creepy Enderman-zombie monster looking for some unsuspecting zombie to eat.
“Do you want to know who the Ender-zombie is?” Rachel creepily asked.
“Mmm-hmmm,” Wesley and I said.
“Well, it was on a night like this that an unsuspecting young Zombie got lost and ended up in a cave to try to get dry. But what he didn’t know was that the cave was the home of Ned, the Zombie flesh-eating Enderman!”
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
RUMBLE. . .CLAPBOOM!
“AAAAHHHHHHHHH!” Wesley and I screamed.
I wanted to tell Rachel to stop talking, but I couldn’t move my mouth. I was frozen in utter terror.
“You see, one day in school, Ned, the Enderman, was dared to eat Zombie flesh and once he got a taste of it he couldn’t stop himself from eating it. The cravings got so strong that he started having dreams of eating his Zombie classmates, Zombie neighbors, and his Zombie friends. So he ran away to the caves so that he wouldn’t hurt anybody else.”
GULP!
“So, this unsuspecting young Zombie that was trying to get out of the rain did not know that he was seeking refuge in the home of Ned, the Zombie Flesh-eating Enderman. Until it was too late!”
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
RUMBLE. . .CLAPBOOM!
“All the stories say is that the last thing the young Zombie saw were those big purple eyes just staring at him through the darkness. And before he knew it, Ned the Enderman was right next to him!”
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
RUMBLE. . .CLAPBOOM!
Seriously? Do we really need the laugh? I thought to myself. I think Wesley already needs a diaper change. And if I had a diaper, I would too.
“And as Ned the Enderman got closer, the Zombie lured Ned outside into the rain.”
“AAARRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!!! Ned yelled as the water burned his Enderman skin like acid.”
RUMBLE. . .CLAPBOOM!
“AAAAHHHHHHHHH!” Wesley and I screamed again.
“You see, what Ned the Enderman didn’t know was that this scared Zombie that sought shelter in the cave was not really an innocent Zombie that had gotten lost. . .Instead, it was none other than the Enderman-eating and Zombie-eating Ender-zombie!”
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
“And as Ned lay there paralyzed by the rain, the Ender-zombie stood over him and let out a laugh. . .”
“HEHEHEHEHEHEHE!”
RUMBLE. . .CLAPBOOM!
“AAAAHHHHHHHHH!” Wesley and I screamed again.
“And they never heard from Ned the Enderman ever again.”
Yeah, I definitely need a diaper change.
“So, when you hear the rain and the thunder, like it is out tonight, just know that the Ender-zombie is out there and he is looking for his next meal. And it could be you!”
DING DONG!
“AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH-UUUHHHHH!”
FLUMP!
The last thing I remember was the Ender-zombie hovering over me, smiling. . .then everything went black.
Thursday
When I woke up this morning, I expected to be moving around inside the stomach of the Ender-zombie.
Or, I expected all my zombie limbs to be half eaten because I figured it would take a few meals to get me down.
So, I tried not to open my eyes.
“Hi, Zumby!”
I knew that voice, but I knew it couldn’t be Wesley. I was sure the Ender-zombie just popped him into his mouth like a snack.
“Zumby, open your eyes!”
So, I slowly opened my eyes and Wesley was standing over me. Then my mom walked into my room.
“Zombie, I hope you had a good sleep, but you need to get up for school,” my mom said. “It’s nighttime already.”
Was it all a dream?
Oh, man, I’ve got to stop eating those spicy flavored booger snacks. But then I looked over at my computer and there was a sticky-note with the words, “Play Me.”
So I turned on my computer and there was a maze game.
It was kind of easy; you just had to get the little ball through the maze without touching the walls. It started getting harder, so I had to really concentrate.
Also, it was getting hard to see so I had to get up real close to see the little ball.
I was really good, but the mazes kept getting harder.
I almost had the ball through the final parts of the maze. . .
Just a little more and I was done. . .
Almost there. . .
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
“AAAAHHHHHHHHH!”
SPLATTT!
Oh man. . .
I think I need another diaper change.
At the end of the game, it said. . .
‘Don’t mess with me or I’m coming for you.’
Signed – R.P. – A.K.A. The Ender-Zombie.
Then everything went black. . .
Friday
I woke up again, and it was Friday.
I found out later, I missed a whole day of school because I fainted and wouldn’t wake up.
My mom was going to take me the Witch Doctor because she thought I ate those berries in the garden again. But, I finally woke up this morning.
Man, I need to stay as far away from Rachel as possible.
That Wither skeleton is real poison in my life, I thought.
So, I went to school today trying to get back to my normal routine.
But every time I walked down the school hall everybody was snickering and laughing.
“Hey, what’s everybody laughing at?” I asked the guys.
“You haven’t seen it yet, have you?” Skelly asked me.
“I think we should show him,” Slimey said.
“Show me what?”
The guys took me to the library to one of the computer terminals.
Then they brought up Noob-Tube.
“Zombie, just remember, no matter what you see, we’re still your friends,” Creepy said.
Then they played it.
“. . .So when you hear the rain and the thunder like it is out tonight, just know that the Ender-zombie is out there and he is looking for his next meal. And it could be you!”
DING DONG!
“AAAAHHHHHHHHHUUUHHHHH!” FLUMP!
What the what?!!!!
“Yeah, man. And it gets worse,” Skelly said, clicking on the next video.
“. . .Oh, a sticky note on my computer. . .Play Me? I wonder if my Mom got me a new game. . . Oh, a maze. . . I love mazes! I can beat this. . .That’s easy. . .Uh oh, it’s getting harder, huh? But I can still beat t
his. . .Just a little bit more. . .almost there. . .I’m totally gonna win this. . .”
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
“AAAAHHHHHHHHH!”
SPLATT!
UUUHHHHHHH!!! FLUMP!
What the ever-lovin’ what?!!!
“Yeah, man. It’s gone viral. I think everybody in the whole school saw it,” Skelly said.
“My cousin at Greendale High School said that it went viral in his school too,” Slimey said. “I think it’s gone viral everywhere.”
Then I looked at the computer screen. . .
THE NOOB OF THE MONTH AWARD GOES TO ZACK ZOMBIE. WAY TO GO, NOOB!
Then they started playing the NOOB AND PROUD theme song.
“WWWWWAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!”
“Don’t worry, Zombie, I don’t think Carrie saw it,” Creepy said.
“Uh, yeah she saw it,” Skelly said. “Look who nominated Zombie as Noob of the month.”
“DARIUS FLENDERMAN!!!”
“Yeah, man. You know if he saw it, then everybody saw it in like twelve biomes.”
WWWWWAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!
UUUHHHHHHH!!!
FLUMP!
Saturday
I woke up to a big nose with a mole on it.
It seems my mom finally called the Witch Doctor to check me out.
“Doctor, is it serious?”
“Mrs. Zombie, your son is fine. I think he just has a case of Z.M.D.”
“Z.M.D.! What is that?” I asked.
“Oh, just a case of Zombie Melo-Drama-itis. But he’ll get over it. He just needs to stop taking himself too seriously and start having a little fun.”
“Oh dear. I was so worried,” my mom said.
After the Witch Doctor left, my mom came into my room.