by Zack Zombie
Then he looked me over with a really strange smile on his face.
Next thing I know, Steve’s putting my skin on like an old coat.
“Hey, look at me!” Steve said. “I gotta new Minecraft skin!”
“Her, come urn! Sterp that!”
Steve just kept on, “UURRGGHH! I’m a Zombie, and I eat boogers. . .ha, ha!”
But after he had his laughs, Steve just hung me back on the tree.
“Hey, I’ll go get your legs,” Steve said. “And the way your arms shot off like that, I think they’re probably at my village by now.”
“Wherd about my skurl?”
“Your skull. . . Uh, it’s gotta be around here somewhere. Don’t worry, I’ll find it.”
A few hours later, Steve came back with my arms, legs, and my spine. . .Yeah, I forgot I had one of those too.
“Oh, man. . .what happened to you? You look like a green balloon with legs.”
“Uh. . .Old Man Jenkins found me and he patched me up,” I said. “He said the same thing happened to him when he worked at the TNT factory.”
“Wow, that’s a lot of duct tape.” Steve said as he burst out laughing again. “And what did he fill you up with helium?”
“Hey, that’s not funny!” I said in a squeaky voice.
PSSSSSSSSSS!!!!
“See, now I sprung a leak. Help me patch it up.”
“You sure you want your arms and legs back? You could just float home, you know.”
That was actually a good idea. I was feeling a little lightheaded.
So, Steve tied a rope to me and he carried me home like a big green balloon.
When I got home, I put my arms and legs back but I had a hard time keeping my head up without a skull.
What could I use? I thought.
The only thing I could find was a big couch cushion.
Now my head looks like a big jigsaw puzzle.
Wow, now I look like a real Noob.
Monday
Today at lunchtime, all the kids were talking about our upcoming Mob Middle School Dance Party.
They decided to make it a costume party to make up for the fact that the school won’t allow us to have a Halloween party anymore.
I think people are too scared of another Zombie Apocalypse.
“Hey, what are you coming as?” Creepy asked me.
“I think I’m going to come as a Noob,” I said.
“Really? What does a Noob look like?”
“You’re looking at him,” I said.
“Zombie, you’re not still mad about getting banned from Me-Tube, are you?”
“Whoa, you got banned from Me-Tube?!!!” Skelly asked. “I thought that only happens to Noobs. Like, really, really bad Noobs.”
That did not make me feel any better.
“But you can always sign up for Noob-Tube. I hear they’ll take anybody,” Skelly said.
“Dude, not helping,” Creepy said.
“Cheer up, Zombie,” Skelly said. “The Dance Party is coming up in a few weeks, and by then you’ll totally forget about being a Noob.”
“Dude, still not helping.”
Then Slimey came by and sat down at our table.
“Hey, who are you guys taking to the dance party? I heard this year we can bring dates.”
“Are you serious?!!!!” we all asked in surprise. . .or horror. Couldn’t tell.
“Yeah, it’s one of the cool benefits of being in eighth grade,” he said with a smug look. “We ain’t kids no more.”
“Whoa. . .” all of us said as we looked to the sky.
“Wow, you guys are real losers,” Rachel said.
Rachel Patella. She was like the meanest Wither skeleton girl that ever lived in all of Minecraft.
I try to ignore her, but she just resurfaces every year in one of my classes.
Not to mention that she’s lived across the street from my house for as long as I can remember.
I try not to talk about her, either, because if I mention her name I’ll probably get cursed or something.
Especially since her mom is a Witch.
It’s probably the reason why she’s so mean.
Or maybe it’s because her dad is a Wither.
She’s probably really mean because she has to deal with four parents instead of two.
Sheesh! No wonder she’s got issues.
Now, the funny thing is that Skelly has had a crush on Rachel since second grade.
But she won’t give him the time of day.
Poor guy. He just sat there looking at her with his mouth open.
Rachel just gave him a look that I think burned a hole in his head.
Either that or Skelly’s been playing with the stapler again.
But, anyway, let me stop talking about Rachel before I get cursed.
What I’d rather think about is who I’m going to take to the Dance Party.
But, seriously, who’s going to go out with a Noob like me?
You know, the girl I really want to take to the Halloween party is Carrie.
Carrie Flenderman. She’s an Enderman, like her cousin Darius.
But she’ll never go out with me.
She’s in high school, and she’s the cousin of my new mortal enemy, Darius.
Not to mention I’m a Noob.
Man, that’s three strikes. No way she’ll ever go out with me.
But, you know. . .if she did say yes, then we could just teleport to the Dance Party.
Or we could spend time talking about what it’s like being on the girls’ basketball team.
And if there was an awkward silence, we could just move stuff around to pass the time.
But, man, who am I kidding?
Carrie would never go out with me as long as I’m a Noob.
That’s why I need to beat her brother, Darius, in a one on one PVP Minecraft Death Match in front of everybody.
Then everybody will know I’m not a Noob.
And Carrie will say yes and go to the Dance Party with me.
But how am I supposed to beat Darius?
He’s like the number one player in twelve biomes.
I don’t know, but I’d better think fast.
The Dance Party is only a few weeks away, and I don’t want to go as myself. . .
The Noob.
Tuesday
A BABYSITTER?!!!! NO WAY!!!
“Don’t give me any lip, young man,” my mom said. “You know what happened the last time your father and I left you alone with Wesley.”
“Lip?”
“Zombie, you know what I mean.”
I guess my mom is still mad at me for blowing up the kitchen last time she and Dad went out.
Still, it could’ve been worse.
I mean, it’s not like Wesley needed his baby teeth anyway.
DING, DONG!
“There she is now,” my mom said. “Zombie, please go get the door while your father and I finish getting ready.”
UUURRRGGHHH!!!
Just when I thought I was really progressing in my life, my mom has to go and send me back to Noobsville.
DING, DONG!
“All right already, I’m coming!”
Then I opened the door and I couldn’t believe my eyes. . .
“Hi, Zack.”
“Uhhhhh. . .hi. . .Carrie. . .Uhhhh. . .what are you doing here?”
“Oh, I see you met Carrie,” my mom said, coming down the stairs. “Carrie is Harold Flenderman’s daughter. Harold works with your father at the Nuclear Waste Plant, and she volunteered to watch you and your brother Wesley tonight.”
“Uhhhhhh. . .”
“
Zombie, close your mouth; you’re drooling again.”
“Uhhhh. . .”
“Carrie, don’t mind him. Zombie just hit puberty and he’s going through changes, you know. Like, last month he started growing this mole on his. . .”
“MOM!!!!!”
“It’s OK, Mrs. Zombie. I know Zack. He goes to my cousin Darius’ middle school. You’re one year behind me, right, Zack?”
“Uhhhh. . .”
“Well, we need to go now,” my mom said. “Wesley is up in his room and as soon as Zombie stops drooling, he’ll show you around the house. Right, Zombie?”
“Uhhhh. . .”
“OK, I’ll leave you to it. Goodbye, Carrie. Goodbye, Zombie.”
“Uhhhh. . .”
For some reason, I couldn’t get my mouth to move. It’s like my mouth was frozen and all I could do was just stand there and look like a Noob.
“Zack, do you want to show me around your house?”
“Uhhhh. . .”
“Oookay, I think I’ll find my way around.”
Carrie went upstairs to Wesley’s room, and I just stood there like a Noob.
Eventually, I was able to move my body away from the door and swim through my puddle of drool, and make it to my room.
Man, I can’t believe it! Carrie Flenderman is in my house!
I called Skelly on my cell phone.
RING.
“Sup, Zombie, whatcha doin?”
“Dude! You are not going to believe this! Carrie Flenderman is in my house. She’s babysitting me and Wesley!”
“SSSSS. . .Ooooohhh, babysitting? Bro that’s like a Noob death sentence. I hope your mom didn’t start dropping the puberty stories. . .”
“Uh. . .yeah.”
““SSSSS. . .Ooooohhh, well, we can still salvage this one. But you gotta be real cool. Like super cool. I mean like, Liquid Nitrogen cold.”
“Cool, I can do that. What else.”
“That’s it man. Just act cool. . . and whatever you do, don’t stare at her because. . .”
CLICK.
What the what?!!!
Oh, man, my battery died!
Man, this phone has got the battery life of a fat Creeper at a surprise party.
“OK. . . I need to be cool. . .C’mon, Zombie, be cool. . . Be cooooooooooool.”
Carrie and Wesley were playing downstairs in the living room.
As I started to come down with my cooooooool attitude, I saw Carrie and I froze again.
I just couldn’t stop staring at how beautiful she was, just sitting there, playing with Wesley. . .
Then she saw me staring.
All of a sudden. . .
“AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!,” Carrie yelled.
“What the wha. . .?!!!!!”
Next thing I know, she teleported and she was gone!
Oh, man, I was so scared, I peed myself.
“Again! Again! Again!” Wesley was crying out.
It didn’t seem to bother Wesley. . .but I still couldn’t move, I was so scared.
Man, I knew I shouldn’t have stared at her.
She probably thinks I’m a stalker or something.
Oh, man, now she’ll never go out with me now.
Man, I’m such a Noob.
And now, I’m all wet. . .
Wednesday
Well, my mom and dad were really mad when they got home and Carrie was gone.
They thought I scared her on purpose.
I guess they couldn’t believe that someone as sweet and cute as Carrie could go all crazy and teleport away.
So, I’m grounded again.
But I still like Carrie, though. Even with all her drama.
She’s just passionate, that’s all.
But, man, after yesterday, I need to find a way to win her over.
But how’s a middle school Zombie Noob like me going to win over the prettiest girl in high school?
Thursday
Today, Ms. Bones decided to take us on another school field trip.
Something about going to an abandoned mineshaft.
I used to like field trips when I was a kid.
But now that I’m in eighth grade, I figured I’m just too cool for field trips.
Yeah, field trips are for Noobs.
When we got there, we had to go through a big cave to get into the abandoned mineshaft.
All the other kids started acting all scared like if they we’re still in seventh grade.
“Hey, did you hear?” Creepy asked.
“Hear what?”
“Some of the kids think this abandoned mineshaft is haunted,” Creepy said.
“Haunted? Man, what Noobs. There’s no such things as haunted mineshafts,” I said.
“Really,” Slimey chimed in, looking scared. “Because they say that this mineshaft has a big well in the middle and they say a Witch lives there.”
“Wait. . .what? Did you say there’s a well, and a Witch, and she lives in the well in the middle of the abandoned mineshaft?”
“Yeah, it supposed to be right at the end of this cave,” Creepy said.
“Seriously?!!!”
Oh man, this must be the haunted cave that Steve was talking about. And, if that’s true. . .
THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WELL LIVES HERE!
The closer we got to the well, the more creeped out the other kids were getting.
Not me, of course. . .
OK, yeah, I was getting creeped out too.
“I bet you she eats Zombie flesh,” Zeke, the zombie, said.
“I bet you she eats old bones,” Maxilla and Scapula, the skeleton sisters, said.
“I bet you she eats Endernuggets,” Glendy, the Enderman, said.
“What are Endernuggets?” somebody asked.
“You know, Enderman chopped up and turned into bite-sized nuggets, Duh!” Glendy said.
Whoa!
“I bet you she eats gunpowder,” Alastair, the Creeper, said.
Man, I wasn’t sure if anything the kids were saying was true, but I was really scared.
At the end of the cave was the abandoned mineshaft with a giant well in the middle of it.
But by then, we were all so creeped out we totally forgot all about the field trip.
Ms. Bones was acting like she wasn’t scared, but I heard her knees knocking a few times.
“This is the scene of the great trial of the Wanda Witch Hazel,” Ms. Bones began to tell us. “Many years ago, there was a Witch that was accused of poisoning human villagers. She would use her poison on unsuspecting villagers that she would catch mining for diamonds during the wee hours of the night.”
Whoa, Steve wasn’t kidding, I thought.
“And she was finally caught because she not only poisoned villagers, she started poisoning Minecraft mobs as well!”
CLAPBOOM!
Whoa!
Was that thunder! I thought. How are we able to hear it down here, anyway?
“Ms. Bones,” Creepy said, slowly raising his hand. . .or his foot. . .I can’t tell anymore.
“Yes, Creepy?”
“Why did she poison Minecraft Mobs?”
“Well, legend has it that she somehow got a taste for Mob flesh and she became obsessed with it!”
CLAPBOOM!
“HUH!” All of us gasped.
Ms. Bones continued her lecture, “The Witch was finally caught, and her punishment was to live at the bottom of this well for all eternity!”
CLAPBOOM!
All of us were so scared, we were frozen to the spot.
All of sudden, a creepy girl with black hair started climbing out of the wel
l!
“AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!”
“IT’S THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WELL!” somebody yelled.
All the kids started screaming and yelling and running back.
Not even Ms. Bones was expecting that. At least her head wasn’t because it quickly shot off her neck like a missile.
Yeah. . .she tends to loser her head a lot in stressful situations.
Me and the guys ran out of there so fast, we didn’t even notice that we went the wrong way.
And then we ended up in another cave that was a dead end!
“Oh man, oh man, oh man, oh man!” Slimey started saying.
“What are we going to do?” Skelly said.
“TSSSSSSSSSSS,” was all Creepy had to say.
Suddenly, we saw a shadow of a creepy girl crawling closer and closer to us.
“She’s coming!” Skelly yelled.
Then the Witch walked into our cave and all we could do was crouch together in a corner in a little ball.
“WE’RE GONNA DIE! MOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMY!” I couldn’t help myself.
That’s it. . .it’s over. . .Goodbye world. . .
Then we heard somebody bust out laughing.
“What the what?!!!!” we all said.
When we looked up, all we could see was Rachel Patella in a black wig and creepy Witch clothes.
“Do you like these?” Rachel asked in between her laughter. “They’re my mom’s for when she goes out on the town.”
“SERIOUSLY?!!!”
“Wow, you guys are real lions,” Rachel said sarcastically. “I’d hate to be caught with you guys in a fight.”
Then, she strutted out the cave like she owned us for life.
Me and the guys just looked at each other.