Hate to Love You (Baker's Bunch Book 1)

by Lily Ryan

  I nod. “You know?”

  “Yes, I fucking know. Do you want to know what my night was like?”

  I don’t know if that was a rhetorical question, so I just stare at him keeping my mouth closed so I don’t make matters worse.

  “I was worried shitless about you. I spent the night at your house waiting for you to come home so we could talk and I could tell you everything. But guess what? You never did. You already know that because you were off all cuddly with Zane. At two in the morning, your brother got a call from Abby who had no idea where you were and wanted to be sure you got home safe. What do you think that did to us?”

  I clear my throat. “I’m sorry, but I couldn’t handle coming home. Being in my room. Sleeping in my bed. Everything reminded me of you.”

  “Right. And that’s why you didn’t bother to answer your phone or send a text saying that you were alive. I mean I get why you ignored me, buy why not answer your brother?”

  “There’s no excuse. I was a mess. I’m sorry.”

  He shakes his head. “Right. Sorry. Who else did you hook up with that night?”

  “No one.”

  “Why should I believe you?” He’s angry. I can’t say I didn’t expect this.

  “Because I’m telling you the truth.” I try not to panic.

  “Why tell me now? I mean chances are I wouldn’t have found out about Hunter. I thought we moved past that night. That we were starting over, so what was the point of rubbing salt in that wound? To hurt me?”

  I feel like I’m on a raft at sea, hand extended, stretching out for Cole, while drifting further from him and the shore with every heartbeat.

  “No! I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t ever want to hurt you.”

  I reach for his hand. I’m yearning to feel connected to him, but he pulls away from me. Away from my touch and a piece of my heart breaks off and crumbles inside me.

  “I should go.”

  My chest is tight, and breathing hurts. I’m silently screaming at him not to go, begging him to stay and hold me, but I do all I can not to show it. I strengthen the protective walls around my heart. I knew he’d react this way. It’s exactly as I feared, and it’s all my fault.

  I nod in agreement.

  I stay on the bed and watch in silence as Cole gets up and walks out my door.

  Chapter 29

  Cole

  I’m a giant asshole for leaving the way I did. I regret it. I regretted it the minute I pulled away. At this point I don’t know if I should call and let her off the hook, or keep her squirming.

  Either way, I want her to remember this feeling because if we do make it through this, and I believe we will. I don’t want her to forget how shitty she feels right now and risk a repeat. I won’t go through this again. Not even for Samantha.

  My intention wasn’t to punish her, or test her. At least at the time. That’s not who I am. But hearing that she kissed Hunter and then hopped straight into Zane’s bed, it brought out the worst in me. Anger roiled inside me, turning my blood into hot, burning lava. My mouth was a volcanic opening ready to take out everything in its path. I had to get away from her.

  I don’t know what her next move is going to be. If it’s getting drunk and calling Zane or hooking up with another guy, I’m done. For good. On the other hand, if she lets herself feel the range of emotions overwhelming her, I’ll hold her hand and stay by her side. Together, we can start over, be like the Phoenix and rise from the rubble. Stronger. Better than before.

  I need to call Sam when I get home. Make sure she understands I didn’t leave her high and dry. I needed a minute to get some fresh air and perspective. I had to or I risked slinging a bunch of hurtful shit at her. I turn the music up in the car wanting to clear my head and get lost in the road.

  It doesn’t work. I can’t wait. I need to right this ship now. If I can.

  “Hey.” Her voice holds a world of hurt. It wrings my heart.

  “Hey, princess.”

  “Princess?” She sounds surprised.

  “Always.”

  “I’m sorry, Cole.”

  “Stop apologizing. That’s what I’m trying to do.” I need to get her to stop beating herself up and understand that she’s the one that has to forgive. She has to forgive herself.

  “But—”

  “We all fuck up.” I interrupt her. “We all make mistakes. It’s how we handle them that defines our character.”

  “Then I’m screwed.”

  “Nothing changed, you know.” I make a point of it to keep my voice down and speak in a soft manner.

  “Everything changed.”

  “Not everything. I still love you.”

  “You do?” She sounds surprised. “But why?”

  “Because you’re you. I don’t like the choices you made, or how you handled what you think you saw, but it doesn’t change the fact that I love you. I know your world was crashing down around you. I get it. It would be different if we met a few months ago. But, Sam, we have years of history between us. And from that, I know who you really are and what’s in your heart. Even if you’re not ready to admit it.”

  Sniffling comes from her end of the phone. I don’t speak. I stay on the line, listening. Letting her know I’m there.

  “When you left I thought I lost you. For good.”

  “That’s why I warned you. I had a feeling I wasn’t going to react well. Every time I see Zane or hear his name, I go ape shit.”

  “Cole,” There’s a hesitation in her voice, like there’s more she wants to say.

  “Yes, beautiful?”

  “Thank you.”

  Her voice is soft. Quiet. There’s an intimacy that wasn’t there earlier. I hate that we’re not together for this round of making up. That I’m not physically close to her. That I can’t look in her eyes and make love to her right now.

  “For what?”

  “For coming tonight and being my friend. I guess, thank you for caring.”

  “I’ll always care about you, Sam. Don’t ever forget that.”

  *

  The week drags by. I’ve been given more responsibility at work, which is good. It keeps my mind occupied for short bouts of time while I’m there. Once I leave, I miss Sam. We talk every night, but not for long, because she hasn’t been feeling well. She’s always tired and sounds distracted.

  Friday is finally here. I check the time. It’s two in the afternoon. This day might never end. I still have at least another four hours before I see my girl. I can’t wait. It’s the first time we’re going to see each other since we officially made up.

  I offered to go see her Wednesday night. I thought it was a good way to break up the week, but Sam said she rather wait until the weekend. The stomach virus, or whatever she has going on kept her out of classes Monday and Tuesday and she wanted to make up the work. I’m not going to lie, I was disappointed, but I understand. School comes first.

  I force my wandering mind to focus on the numbers on my monitor. I’m not processing any of this shit. Maybe I should take off early. The earlier I get out of here, the earlier I see Sam.

  “Hey, princess,” I say as she answers the phone.

  “Hi.” I hear the sleepy smile on her face.

  “You sound tired.”

  She yawns. “I just took a nap after my last class. I’m still wiped out.”

  “I hope not too wiped out,” I tease.

  “I miss you,” she says in the dreamy, half awake tone I love. “I’m all packed and ready to go.”

  “I miss you too, and I can’t wait to see you.”

  “Good. Because I have something important to tell you tonight.”

  “You do?”

  “Yes.”

  “Can I get a hint?”

  “No, no, no. Nothing until we’re face to face.”

  “Well then, how about if I come now and pick you up? This way your father or brother don’t have to, and I get to spend a few extra hours with you.”

  “Um,” there’
s a change in her voice. “No. That’s not going to work.”

  “Why not?”

  “It just won’t. And no one is picking me up. I’m taking the bus.”

  “Sam, no. It’ll take hours for you to get home.”

  “Don’t you worry. There’s nothing that could keep me from you. I’ll see you later, sexy.”

  I don’t like this. I don’t want to agree. The bus? It doesn’t make any sense. Especially since she hasn’t been feeling well. But I don’t want her to think I’m an all-controlling alpha male.

  “Okay, fine. But I’m picking you up from the bus stop. Just let me know when and where.”

  “Sounds good. Cole—”

  “Yes.”

  “I can’t wait to see you.”

  That’s not what she wanted to say. There was more, but she stopped herself. Maybe it has something to do with what she wants to tell me later.

  “Same. I’ll talk to you later. Don’t forget to call me.”

  *

  It’s a good thing Sam’s not waiting for me. I got pulled into a boring-ass meeting I’m not even sure had a purpose. To make matters worse, she called, and not only couldn’t I answer, I couldn’t even send her a text message. Once I get back to my desk, I listen to the voicemail waiting for me.

  “I . . . um, just wanted to check in.” Her words are muffled by background noise. That’s strange. It sounds as if she’s near a train. “So probably another hour and a half. I’ll call you when I’m a few minutes away from the stop. Can’t wait to see you, sexy.”

  I have a funny feeling in my stomach. She’s taking the bus home? Background noise from a train? None of this feels right. I don’t remember hearing a train when we dropped her off or I visited her at school. Maybe because I was so emotional when I was there? But then wouldn’t I have heard it in the background when I spoke to her this week?

  No. There’s no train near her school. Is there? I sit in my car thinking while it warms up. Where the hell is she? I can’t call her and demand answers. I mean I can, but we’ll be over in a nanosecond. Did she change her mind about us?

  No. No way.

  I close my eyes and roll my neck from side to side to ease the growing tension. I’m worried. Concerned about her. This sucks because if I question her she’ll think I don’t trust her, and I do.

  I mean she wouldn’t go off with another guy. She only did that because she thought I cheated. Unless there’s someone else and she’s breaking up with him first. Zane doesn’t live anywhere near a train and he’s in boot camp.

  Hunter?

  No. I refuse to let my mind go there. That’s not what’s going on. Sam and I are in a good place. End of story. I wonder if her brother knows where she is and what she’s up to.

  As if he knows I’m thinking of him, Tyler’s number and picture show up on my phone.

  “You on your way to pick my sister up?” He asks.

  “Nah, she said she’s going to take the bus and wants me to pick her up at the stop.”

  “And you allowed this?”

  “This is why she gets pissed at you. I don’t tell her what to do.” I pull out of the parking lot and drive toward the center of town where the bus stop is.

  “I call bull. Sam’s got you whipped, brother,” he teases. “Which is fine by me because she’s my sister. But what fucking bus are you talking about?”

  “See, that’s what I’m confused about. I didn’t think there was a bus near there, and no matter how I wrack my brain, I don’t remember a train near her school.”

  “Her school? There’s no train there. She’s in the middle of nowhere. I think that’s why my parents wanted her to go there. Why would you think there’s a train?”

  “She left me a message and I couldn’t hear it that well, it sounded like she was on a train platform or something.”

  “Shit.” Tyler’s voice drops. “You just gave me a fucking flashback.”

  “To?”

  “Caitlin. The fucking call from hell.”

  Oh fuck. My heart speeds up. I take a deep breath, but I can’t fill my lungs. “When she told you about the abortion?”

  Please, no!

  “Yeah.”

  I can barely hear him. I take a hard left toward the highway and press on the accelerator. My hands shake. I need to get to Samantha.

  “She called you from the clinic and you heard a train?”

  “C’mon, man, you’re making me relive this shit?”

  Fuck! It all make sense now. The throwing up. The fatigue. She’s fucking pregnant! With my baby. God, I hope it’s my baby.

  “Hey, Ty, you have plans for tomorrow night?”

  “No, why?”

  “Now you do. We’re having dinner. The three of us. No. Your father should be there, too. Yeah, it should definitely be the four of us.”

  “Cole?”

  Great, he’s catching on.

  “Listen, I got to go.”

  “What the fuck, Cole? What did you do to my sister?”

  “I’ll call you later.”

  I don’t give him a chance to respond. I press end and call Sam’s number as I race to where I think she is, but pray she isn’t. It goes straight to voicemail. She wouldn’t have an abortion. Not without telling me first. Not after seeing how it destroyed Tyler. She said there was something she had to tell me. Something she had to say face to face. This is it.

  I don’t know how I get there, but twenty minutes later, I come to a screeching halt. A train rumbles past on the side of the building. This is the place. Please, God, don’t let me be too late, I repeat over and over again. I rush in and stop, breathless, at the check in counter.

  “May I help you, sir?” A brash sounding woman in her mid-forties asks.

  “I’m here to see a patient. Samantha Stone.”

  “I’m sorry, sir. I can’t help you.”

  “Please,” I implore. “I need to see her.”

  The woman looks down at her list of patients. “Due to HIPAA laws, I can’t discuss any patients with you.”

  “I’m not asking you to discuss. I want to see her so I can discuss what I need to with her.” I raise my voice. I don’t mean to, but I’m frantic and this woman isn’t helping.

  “Cole?”

  I turn around to find Samantha standing there, looking surprised and more beautiful than ever. My eyes take in every inch of her, from head to toe, stopping for a few extra seconds on her belly. She looks fine. Beautiful. Amazing.

  I choke down the emotion overwhelming me. I made it in time. A wave of relief washes over me. Cleanses my conscious.

  “Oh, God, Sam.”

  “What are you doing here?”

  I take her face in my hands and kiss her lips. I want to laugh. I want to cry, I’m so thankful I got to her, I don’t know what I want to do. I swallow hard, not thinking about words or planning a speech. I open my mouth and speak from the heart.

  “Don’t do this, baby.”

  “Do what?”

  “Have an abortion. I love you and I’ll be by your side for all of it. Every step of the way. I take her hands in mine and keep my eyes locked on hers. “I understand that you’re probably scared to death, but everything about us is right. Including this baby. I’ll be at every doctor’s appointment. I’ll change diapers in the middle of the night. I’ll do it all. Anything and everything that goes along with it. Just tell me what you want and it’s yours.”

  “Cole.”

  I shake my head. “No. I’m not done.” I step closer and rest my hands on her still flat belly. “I’ll love this baby, Samantha, because it’s ours. And I’m so head over heals in love with you. This baby, our child, was conceived in love.” She shakes her head, and I feel a twang in my heart. I’m afraid of what that means, but I’m convinced we could make it work.

  “Even if it’s not mine, Sam. Even if it’s Zane’s baby, I’ll love it, because it’s yours. And I’ll raise it as my own. No one has to know. Unless you want him to be a part of the baby’s life, bu
t still, I’ll be responsible for you both. It’s you and me against the world.”

  “Do you mean that?”

  “Every word.”

  “I’m not pregnant, you jerk,” she says, slapping my chest. “And I never had sex with Zane.”

  I don’t understand. I couldn’t have heard right.

  “What?”

  “I’m. Not. Pregnant.” She says each word slowly. Precisely. As if English is my second language.

  “But . . . But . . . You threw up. And you’ve been complaining that you’re so tired. And then, you had something to tell me face to face. And you’re here.”

  “I told you, I was sick, I had some sort of forty eight hour thing. Do you really think I’d do that to you after what I saw my brother go through? That I’d have an abortion,” she whisper yells, looking around to make sure no one overheard. “Without telling you first?”

  “Then what are you doing here?”

  “Charlotte. Her ex called and said he was diagnosed with Chlamydia and that she should get checked. She wanted to go somewhere where no one would recognize her, so I thought of this place. She drove, and I didn’t want her to take me home on top of it. Because it would’ve added like an hour more to her trip back. Half an hour from here to home, and thirty extra minutes from home to school.”

  “But you said you had something to tell me, face to face. If it wasn’t this, what was it?”

  “I love you.”

  “What?” This is surreal. My worst nightmare is turning into the best moment of my life.

  “I. Love. You.”

  I feel a sting behind my eyes. I’m not going to be a sappy pussy and cry because my girl told me she loves me. I crush my mouth against hers, thread my fingers in her hair, and kiss her like I’ve never kissed anyone. With passion and possession. She’s mine, and she loves me. I’m dizzy and breathless as we break away.

  “Do you know how long I wanted that? Imagined one day you’d realize you loved me and kiss me the way you did? Like I’m the air you breathe? Do you even care that I still have the scent of you in my nose? Or that my body aches for you, everywhere?” I say with a smile.

  She looks at me awed.