by Izzy Hodder
“You busy?” He asked stepping into stride beside me as we walked down the hallway.
“Not particularly,” I said shyly. I had between 0 and 1 experience with boys to date.
“Great,” he shoved his hands into his pockets. “I’ve somewhere I want to show you, but we better move quick. I’m not sure what time it closes.”
I don’t know if I knew from the start that there was going to be something different about Luke and me. That over the next two years we were going to defy the odds of arguing over cheating with each other’s friends, getting drunk and fighting outside nightclubs, breaking up over text only to get back together a week later. But on that first day, when he lead me on a mystery tour around London, eventually arriving at a miniature indoor bee sanctuary hidden in the centre of Mayfair, on that day I knew I felt something. I knew from books and movies that young loves were supposedly epic, but I had never experienced anything of the sort in my fifteen years on this earth. Yet I knew we were more than the rest. We were going to be different, I just didn’t know how yet. That night we bought doughnuts in Soho and got a tube back to my part of the city. He walked me to my house.
“Well I’ll see you,” I said awkwardly.
“I’ll see you too Amy,” he replied looking straight at me. He looked nervous.
I nodded feebly and all of a sudden he grabbed my hand and kissed me. I’d kissed a few other boys before. I wasn’t that inexperienced. But kissing Luke, even that first time, was kissing the future and the past and the present all at the same time and all of it delving together. My tummy turned and my heart sped up and I knew, I just knew, I was screwed.
Chapter 2
Mum had cooked my favourite. Vegetarian lasagne, but I could hardly manage three mouthfuls. Dad was home from work, him and Mike sitting opposite Mum and I talking about the rugby. Mum nudged my shoulder, “Are you alright? You’ve barely touched your dinner.”
I nodded and scooped a spoonful in my mouth smiling.
The boys chatter stopped. “So Amy,” said Dad, “we got your results from your mock exams this morning.”
I looked up, shit, I had completely forgotten about them.
“Don’t look so worried,” Dad laughed, “you did incredibly, especially for someone who went on and on about how unprepared she was!”
“You got all A’s and B’s Amy! We’re so proud,” said Mum.
“Even in geography,” nodded Dad. “A B.”
Mike made a vomiting motion with his fingers and I laughed at him despite myself. Our parents were extremely loving and proud and sometime we couldn’t help but laugh.
“Seriously though did I?” I asked.
“Yeah! Trust me sweetie I was as shocked as you,” joked Dad, “but we decided that seeing as you’ve done so well, and we know you will do wonderful in you’re A-levels.” He looked to Mum who smiled and nodded back at him, “well we’ve decided, that if you really want to go to Italy with Tara and Lily and the boys this summer then you can.”
“What? Are you serious?” I asked.
Italy was a dream trip that I, the girls and Luke and his friends had been planning for months but I was the only one not allowed. Not that any of it mattered now. I don’t even know why I was still asking.
“Seriously,” said Mum smiling.
I looked around the table, from my smiling mum to my proud dad to my kind, kind little brother. And I broke into tears.
“Oh Jesus Amy, chill out, it’s just a freaking holiday,” laughed Mike.
“It’s not that,” I started.
“Amy, what’s wrong?”
"I don’t know how to say…I said composing myself, Mike looked sick, looking back now I think he knew what I was about to say. I think it was the first thing that popped into his head and he knew. The whole room was silent and I felt like silence had never been so loud before in my life.
“I’m pregnant,” I stuttered out. Weirdly enough, once I said those words out loud, a sort of calmness came over me and I was able to look up at my whole family’s faces.
Dad was the first to speak, I think my mum was about to faint.
“Amy, what are you talking about?” He paused but I had nothing to say. “Please tell me this is some sort of joke because if you think I raised you to go…” he raised his voice.
“Jacob stop!” said Mum turning to me, “Amy, are you sure?”
“Is she sure? Even the fact that she might be … Amy explain yourself,” my dad shouted, I’d never seen him this angry and it scared me. I turned to Mum.
“I took a test, Mum, and it was positive, I mean maybe it is wrong, it could be wrong because…”
“Because what Amy,” snapped Dad, his head in his hands. I knew deep down he was just upset, not angry.
“Because,” I said quietly, “I’m on the pill and we always use protection, so maybe it got it wrong…”
“Always!” shouted Dad pushing himself up from the table, “You mean to say…” He couldn’t finish, I knew what he was thinking though. That his little girl was having sex, she didn’t just have it once. He left the room. The back door banged, shaking the house as he left.
Mum, Mike and I sat in silence. Mike still hadn’t said a word. I looked down at my plate; my barely touched vegetarian lasagne. I was so privileged, so loved, how could I have let this happen?
Mum let out a sigh breaking the silence.
“I’ll take you to the doctor tomorrow, not your dad obviously,” she shook her head as if erasing an image and stood up, taking our plates.
“Until then there’s no use in getting more upset or angry, and I shouldn’t have to even say this but not a word to anyone right Mike?” She looked at my brother sternly. He nodded and with that she walked into the kitchen.
“Amy,” Mike said so softly it was almost a whisper.
I looked up at him from behind my ash blonde hair that had fallen over my face.
He reached out his hand across the table, placing it on top of mine. He smiled. I felt a tear roll down my cheek. Mike gripped my hand tighter. We sat in silence, I don’t know how long we sat there for but suddenly a cold breeze rushed through the house and a booming voice echoed down from our hallway. Mike’s eyes opened. My stomach turned upside down. “Shit,” I said accidently out loud.
“Amy who’s that…” Mum’s voice trailed off as she walked back into the dining room just as Luke let himself in from the hall. Time seemed to freeze as Luke saw me sitting crying at the table with Mike’s hand on mine, he quickly took in my mum’s red eyes and was about to say something when the back door banged and my dad’s voice came clearly towards us
“Okay, we all just need to talk I’m sorry I was just in so much shock I mean you’re only seventeen but…” and with that my dad entered the room. I really shouldn’t have forgotten to tell Luke not to come over tonight.
“Luke,” said my dad sternly, crossing his arms over his chest. I knew it was taking a lot of self-control for him to not start shouting. But as I’ve said, my parents are good people, strong people, even in the most testing of times.
“Amy…” Luke looked like a bunny in headlights, I’d have laughed at him if the situation weren’t so serious.
“What’s going on, I’m sorry if I’ve interrupted a family thing I’ll go…” he started to turn around. My stupid mouth wouldn’t say the words my brain was articulating.
“No Luke,” Mum said suddenly, “Amy…” I knew Mum was torn between punishing me by making me tell Luke here and now and protecting me like she had been doing all my life. I stood up, this was my responsibility now.
“Luke,” I stepped towards him despite the look on my father’s face getting more and more stern.
“I took a test yesterday and there’s no easy way to say this Luke but … I think I’m pregnant.”
Silence, yet again. Luke’s face was completely blank. His hands swung dead beside him. I could feel the fire begin to bubble inside me. Have some kind or reaction at least god damn it.
“But I don’t understand…Amy what the fuck?” Luke said stepping away
“Luke please, I don’t know either but…” I went to be closer to him but he shook me off.
“No. What? Are you saying that?” He looked around quickly, “I’ve got to go,” he said and turned away. He had left. Just like that. My heart stung a little, no not a little a lot. Luke and I fought, we weren’t perfect people but we never left each other with words unspoken. It was our unwritten pact. I burst into tears. My family didn’t move but no one said a word. No one knew what to say, for some things there are no words.
Chapter 3
I woke up the next morning in a cold sweat. In my dream I was sitting in the cinema when a baby started to cry in the back aisle. Then suddenly all the people in the whole cinema were babies. Crying and crying. I shook my head until I woke up, gasping and moaning. My mum was by my side.
“Amy, sweetie shh, it was just a dream you’re okay.”
I sat up and the whole happenings of the last 48 hours came roaring back into my brain. As you can imagine, I lay back down with a sigh.
“You’d better get up,” said Mum, “I’ve an appointment for us, for you, sorry, at Dr Foster’s for 9am.” I looked up at my clock, quarter past eight.
“Okay, I’ll be down soon, thanks Mum.” I smiled and she nodded back; closing the door gently behind her. I reached to my bedside table for my phone. I had a missed call from Luke and one new message.
“Amy I’m so sorry about how I acted. I don’t know what came over me. It was just a shock I think. I don’t know what to do now so call me when you can. I love you always Amy, I’m sorry I’m a dick sometimes. Okay text me x,” I breathed a sigh of relief. So Luke wasn’t a complete runner. In truth I hadn’t thought he would be but he did scare me for a moment. Through all our time together that was definitely the most shocked I was by his behaviour. I tried to push it out of my mind as I got dressed. He had apologised, everything would be okay. Usually when anything happened with Luke, Tara was my first phone call. But I couldn’t do that. Did I want her to know? I didn’t know how she would react but I knew she would have the right words. Even if these last few months she hadn’t been acting herself. I presumed it was down to stress, her parents were really pushing for her to do medicine and she was studying like crazy.
My Much Braver and Better Best Friend
“You shouldn’t listen to them you know,” said Tara. We were eight years old and at the local park near my old school. Our mums were having coffee in a café just across the road. I didn’t say anything back.
“Amy who’s your friend, is she as weird as you? I bet she talks to herself too,” yelled a snotty red haired girl from the top of the playground castle. Her name was Suzie. She was in my class in school. Tara wasn’t in my school but I so ever wished she were. The kids in my school weren’t like her. I couldn’t talk to them about books or old comic magazines. They thought it was weird. I was so glad Tara’s mum and mine were best friends since birth and that they were ‘just absolutely determined Tara and Amy would be too!’
“What’s her name?” whispered Tara across the seesaw. “Suzie,” I mouthed back.
“Hey Suzie,” yelled Tara.
Suzie turned around and slid down the slide but kept her distance. I could see Tara’s stout stance and body scared her a little.
“You’d better get yourself to a fire station, before you burn yourself,” said Tara confidently. It was a poor feeble dig but we were eight years old and it was enough to leave the popular Suzie speechless, running to the safety of the swings with her hands over her hair. We burst out laughing, hoping off the seesaw.
“My grandma used to tell me mean people are only like that because they’re sad so I should feel sorry for Suzie but nobody should do that to my Amy,” smiled Tara grabbing my skinny little hands and holding them in her soft comfy ones. “It’ll be okay, when we’re older you can move from your side of London to mine and we can go to school together in matching outfits and everyone will be jealous.”
“We’ll be invincible,” I said, “and maybe even have superpowers!”
“Oh yes definitely superpowers, I want to be able to be invisible.”
“And I want to be able to fly!”
“Oh everyone will think we are the coolest two girls alive and all the boys will turn into princes when they see us and we will get to pick our favourite!”
I smiled. Tara always made me happy.
“Now race you to the tree and back,” she shouted and off we ran; the wind and leaves wiping away any of our worries.
The waiting room was white and sterile as always. I hadn’t wanted to come to Dr Foster; she had been my doctor for all matters that didn’t go to Dad. I know it was stupid but I didn’t want her thinking I was a slut. I was aware I had more to be worrying about than that and things were only going to get harder but still I argued with Mum on the way here but she was insistent that she trusted Dr Foster and we weren’t going anywhere else.
“Amy Webb,” said the nurse. Mum and I stood up, following her down the hall and into Dr Foster’s room.
“Well Amy! How are you? Tough year, how are you holding up?” asked Dr Foster friendlily.
“Oh I’m fine,” I said weakly sitting down on the examination bed.
“And you Liz how are things?” she asked my mum and they chattered about work for a minute or so. I could hear the tension in Mum’s voice.
“Now Amy what can I help you with?”
“Ehm, well…” I took a breath. “I need a proper pregnancy test I think.” It sounded so stupid when I said it. I sounded so childish and unknowing. I guess I was.
“Okay, no problem. We will take your bloods but we will start with a urine test so if you could pop down the hall with this,” she handed me a clear cylinder tube with a lid, “and pop back up once you’re done.” She smiled encouragingly and I went out.
When I returned, Mum’s eyes were red and Dr Foster was holding her hand.
"Great Amy, thank you, I’ll send that now and we will have your results in the next few minutes’ a nurse came in and took the sample. Great, I thought, another person who knows I’m pregnant. I was thinking completely irrationally, if this was now my life I was going to need to not care.
Dr Foster set up her equipment to take my blood. All the while talking to me about normal things, she was being really kind and I didn’t feel as though she was judging me. When we were done, the nurse came back handing Dr Foster a piece of paper.
“Well Amy,” her expression was neither a frown nor a smile, “it looks like you are pregnant.”
I let out a breath.
“I know this is unplanned and will be a lot to take in, but remember you still have a lot of options open to you.”
“I can’t have a baby,” I said simply, emotionless.
“Oh Amy!” My mum came over and wrapped her arms around me. I started to cry into her shoulder.
“I understand that you’ll be having a lot of thoughts but there’s no immediate rush. Right now what I would advise is that you go home, rest and have a think. I’d like to see you here again on Monday after school so in two days if that is okay? We will have the blood tests back by then and can discuss our options further, is that okay with you Amy?” She said our options and those two words made me feel very less alone. I nodded, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand.
“Okay Amy,” she said softly handing me a tissue. Once Mum and I had both composed ourselves we thanked Dr Foster and left.
In the car I felt a whole lot calmer and I just wanted to watch a funny movie and laugh. Mum was being really kind too.
“I’m not going to tell the girls, no matter what I do,” I said to her as we drove after telling her about Luke’s text. We were close in that way and I knew I needed her now more than ever.
“That’s a hard thing to do Amy, why?”
“We’ve so many exams and so much of their future lies on this year, I don’t want to worry them o
r distract them with my own problems,” I said truthfully.
“That’s a really thoughtful decision, I’m proud of you, hey why don’t you give Tara a call, I know her mum’s been worried about her these days, maybe she could distract you even if she doesn’t know she is, or would that be too hard. Am I doing the right thing here Amy I really don’t even know… should I even be letting you outside, oh god!” Mum clapped her hands against the steering wheel, her eyes watering.
“It’s okay, Mum, I’m sorry there is no right way I don’t think but that does sound really nice, will you just drop me off at hers on the way home.”
Mum just nodded. I think she was afraid if she spoke she would cry.
I texted Tara to say I was coming over but by the time we pulled up outside her house I had no reply. I told Mum I’d call her if she wasn’t there and I bounded around to Tara’s back door. We were long past ringing the doorbell with each other. Tara was an only child, as her mum always said I was her second daughter; her favourite one. I let myself in the back door; neither of her parents appeared to be home so I called her name. When I got no response I started up the stairs.
“Tara!” I said pushing open her door and jumping in. no one there. I heard a groaning sound coming from her en suite so I ran to her bathroom door and pushed it open. Tara was kneeling on the floor in front of her toilet, her two fingers pushing down her mouth. She saw me and collapsed.
Chapter 4
“Yes, no I’m her friend not family but please let me see her…I brought her here!”
The lady with the hair sprayed stiff bun pursed her lips and looked down at her desk. The hospital was a buzz of tears, noise and the smell of machine coffee.
“It’s against all regulations, I’m sorry we’re going to have to just wait.”
“Please,” I whispered and suddenly there was a strong familiar arm on my back.
“What’s going on?” asked Luke as I turned to see him. He kissed me on the forehead. I had called him in tears from Tara’s house straight after calling the ambulance.