by Izzy Hodder
“Unfortunately, sir we cannot let non-family members in to see a patient before the patient’s guardians are present. It’s just regulations, I am sorry.” I could see her face had softened since she had seen Luke kiss me on the forehead. Acts of young love always softened even the hardest of hearts. I squeezed Luke’s hand.
“But her parents aren’t even in London, I called them in the ambulance, they went to Kent for the weekend, please they trust me to look after her until they’re back. I’m sure they won’t be long!”
“Please miss, let my girlfriend see her best friend or can we at least know what’s going on?”
The woman sighed, “I’ll get the doctor on her ward to come and talk to you okay, please just take a seat over there.”
We nodded and Luke led me over to beside the coffee machine, after settling me down he jumped up and came back with two of those awful instants but it was better than nothing right now.
“Amz what happened, I mean how?” He asked sitting down beside me. I nestled into the nook of his arm.
“Luke, I don’t even know. All I did was walk in and…” My voice trailed off, I dreaded to think of what Tara was doing leaned over that porcelain toilet. I feared I knew and it made me ill to think about it.
“But she just collapsed?”
I nodded. I wouldn’t tell him anything until I knew the facts. Maybe I had read too many books. She was probably just after eating a bad avocado sandwich. I always told her they were bad at this time of year.
“She wouldn’t move at first.” I started to replay the awfulness of it, “then she started convulsing and seizing on the floor, I was so afraid she would hit her head on the tiles so I pushed a towel underneath her. Oh Luke it was so scary waiting for the ambulance.” I started to cry, “I’m so afraid for her.”
“Shhh shh, it’ll be okay, have you told your parents?” I shook my head.
“Well we should, they could be worried …”
A doctor with a mop of brown hair and kind looking eyes walked over towards us.
“You must be Amy am I right?” he asked kneeling down in front of me. I tucked myself out of Luke and sat upright.
“That’s me, is Tara okay can I see her? I know the lady at the desk said I couldn’t but…”
The doctor cut me off.
“You brought her in am I right?” he asked looking down at the papers.
“Yes,” I replied, annoyed that he had interrupted me though I knew from my dad that doctors were always busy and being a waiting room person was often a godsend for them. I didn’t care at this point, I cared about Tara.
“Look Amy I am so sorry but until her parents arrive we can’t let you in, anyways Tara is currently asleep. She’s on a lot of drugs right now to help her get better.”
“But what happened?” I asked, “What’s wrong with her?”
“We need to talk to Tara when she wakes up to get a better idea of the situation.” He smiled, “hang in there.”
And with that he patted my knee and walked away.
“Idiot,” muttered Luke.
“Shh,” I whispered. “It’s true he can’t tell us anything it’s not his fault. I’ve watched enough A&E and Grey’s Anatomy to know.”
Luke smiled. “Oh god, remember that weekend you had chicken pox,” he started to laugh.
“Stop that wasn’t funny; it hurt so much and I looked awful,” I giggled.
“You made me watch ten episodes of Grey’s Anatomy with you while you cried into a bowl of ice-cream,” he teased.
“Oh god I really did didn’t I, how did you ever stick it, you hate hospitals!” I remembered the time well. Luke had just asked me to be his girlfriend after months of us spending every aching moment we could together.
“Oh I don’t know, I guess I realised something sitting there watching you cry over people you didn’t even know.”
“What did you realise?” I asked curiously, sitting up.
Luke sighed and looked ahead, “That you were the kindest person I knew… and that I was falling quite badly in love with you…”
I grinned at him and kissed him on the lips. The lady sitting next to me cleared her throat and I rolled my eyes at Luke who rolled his back.
I settled myself up against him again and fell asleep, ignoring the fact that neither of us mentioned the massive issue of baby, or Tara or anything else horrible and scary to think of. Instead we ignored the surrounding buzz of lives beginning and ending and returned to our safe haven; each other.
I woke with a start half an hour later. Tara’s parents had arrived into the waiting room and were demanding answers. Luke straightened himself up, I told him it was probably best for him to go and I would call him later.
Once he left, Tara’s mum burst into tears, pulling me close and whispering thank you thank you. The doctor with the kind eyes returned to us.
“Mr and Mrs Lee?” he asked.
Tara’s father nodded, his eyes glazed.
“You’ll be glad to know Tara has woken up.”
We all breathed a sigh of relief.
“We have a specialist psychologist in talking with her now and once they are done we will have a full diagnosis but as of now.”
Tara’s mum interrupted.
“What kind of specialist, I don’t understand, what happened to her?”
“Your daughter suffered a seizure. As a result of malnourishment, we have had nutrient drips going into her for the last hour to build her up again, but unfortunately that is not the solution.”
“Malnourishment? But Tara’s isn’t skinny. She eats like any of us?” said her dad.
“Yes, that’s why this is not the permanent solution. We believe Tara is suffering from bulimia nervosa.”
Amy’s mum sobbed. I stayed silent. The doctor continued.
“It is a very common eating disorder and mostly goes un-noticed unless something like this should happen. People with bulimia nervosa don’t usually lose weight or if they do it is only for a short period of time.”
I breathed in and out slowly. I was a terrible friend, how could I have not noticed the signs. Then again, a lot of the time we see what we want to see. I held Tara’s mum’s hand tighter. The doctor told us to sit tight and that he would be back soon.
“Amy darling, thank you so much for everything but I think you should go home,” said Tara’s dad.
“Oh Amy thank you, we called your mum on our way here and she seemed awful worried. It’s probably best if it’s just us when Tara is ready anyways, who knows how she will be.”
I nodded and hugged them goodbye. I understood what they needed. I would go see Tara tomorrow and there would be no more secrets between us. She needed me now; I had to be strong for the girl who was always strong for me.
Dad collected me outside the hospital five minutes later.
“Hop in,” he said gruffly and I did. The whole way home he didn’t say a word. He had obviously taken the news that I was definitely pregnant terribly, but why stay mad at me? What good was it doing? When we stopped outside our house he turned off the engine, looked at me as if he were about to say something, then just shook his head and got out.
“Dad,” I started to say following him. He put up his hand and walked inside.
The Man Who Would Do Anything for Me
It was the last day of middle school. I was fourteen years old. Skinny, awkward, geeky but most of all, friendless; except for Tara of course but I barely saw her these days. Dad picked me up outside the school while all the other kids sauntered off together to go shopping or get ice creams in West End or whatever it was people who had groups of friends did.
“What’s up kiddo?” asked Dad, two minutes in, referring to my silence.
“Everyone thinks I’m a freak,” I mumbled so he wouldn’t hear me.
“Huh, speak up,” said Dad turning down the radio.
“No one likes me, Dad… they all think I’m weird.” I looked down at the floor. Dad took a sharp right, heading in the opp
osite direction to home.
We drove in silence for a while, before pulling up outside a green shop that read in rusty gold lettering ‘CUPCAKES FOR SALE’
I looked at Dad.
“Out we get,” he said.
I followed him out of the car. We were in a much rougher part of London than I was used to. Dad double-checked he’s locked the car. I stayed close to him as we entered the green shop, a bell rung as we went inside.
“Welcome, welcome, what can we do for you today?” asked a tall eastern European woman with a strong accent.
Dad looked down at me.
“We are looking for two, oh no, four of your finest cupcakes please.”
“Go on upstairs and they will be with you straight away,” said the woman flamboyantly directing us up a creaky old staircase at the back of the shop.
Dad didn’t seem phased so I followed him up and we came to a roof garden with an amazing view of the city.
“Dad, this place is so cool! How did you find it?”
“Oh your old man’s been around the place,” he smiled as we sat down.
“Now listen to me Amy…”
The lady arrived up with our cupcakes; Chocolate fudge, Red Velvet, French Vanilla and Salted Caramel. I looked back up at Dad. He picked up the Red Velvet and started to take off its wrapping.
“There are always going to be people in this world who don’t appreciate madness; a bit of insanity. There will always be people who will judge you for your wildness or forlornness or even your beauty. In a world where everyone is striving for perfection and alikeness, anyone who follows an unpaved pathway is deemed abnormal.”
He took a bite .I nodded although I didn’t quite understand a lot of what he was saying. Kids were mean to me, I wanted it to stop, end off.
“Amy, sweetie; I don’t want you to change to adapt to their degrading standards. I want you to wake up each morning happy with where you are but most importantly happy with who you are. London is a big city Amy and there are millions of people to be friends with but there’s also a world out there that is so much bigger than London, I promise one day you will love it. But until that day comes we are not going to sit on our backside and let these kids get away with being immature prats.”
I smiled. We finished our cupcakes and stood up to go.
“So I’ve decided, we’re moving.”
I’d never loved anyone so much as I did my dad in that moment. I squeezed him as hard as we could and when we got back in the car we drove a long roundabout way home. We passed dozens of houses for sale, including the one we live in today.
Chapter 5
Tara wasn’t in school on Monday. I had text her, rung her, even her house phone but her mum said she wasn’t ready yet, she then progressed to whisper for me to come over tomorrow.
“Where’s Tara?” asked Lily in assembly, “Sam was asking for her this morning, but she’s been MIA since Friday night, she totally gave him the cold shoulder. You’ve been MIA too Amy, how was your weekend?”
I walked back to class with Lily, telling her it was fine, that Mike needed my help with a project.
“I miss you Amy,” she said suddenly, “you and Tara too, I feel like we’re losing our squadness, gosh that sounds silly.” She smiled but I could see she was genuinely upset. I’d been so worried these past few weeks I’d forgotten to be a good friend to almost everyone. I hugged her.
“I know what you mean, but hey let’s have a sleepover just us three next weekend. It’ll be like old times.”
That made her smile and she sat down beside me in English. “I’m going to write a list of all the things we can discuss and do,” she whispered. I smiled back. She really was the sweetest girl. I thought of when we first met, it was here in English class when I was new. Lily had this big bunch of friends but she still was so kind to me. I was overwhelmed after years of cruelty, to find someone like Lily. Soon she started to sit with Tara and I and things just kind of clicked. She always organised exciting things to do at the weekend and she would randomly bring us in chocolates or socks or something for the most bizarre occasions. Like on ‘world nutella day’ she bought us each a heart shaped jar of nutella and when we went to hers later that night she had cooked us piles of pancakes. She showered us all in so much love. I don’t know how you’d describe Lily in a few words but all I can honestly say is she’s just a really amazing friend.
Lily wanted to go for coffee after school but I bid her a hasty goodbye, saying I was late to the dentist. I caught the bus over to Dr Foster’s. I had told Mum this morning I wanted to go alone, she protested at first but then I think she was just as scared as I was. Neither of us knew what the boundaries were in this situation so she agreed. I’m almost 100% sure she rang Dr Foster after I left for school. I just didn’t want Mum there for what I was about to say.
Dr Foster had gone to the reception to get some lab results. I sat nervously in her room, wringing my hands in front of me.
“I want an abortion,” I blurted out as soon as she walked back into the room.
“You do?” she asked.
I nodded quickly.
“Okay,” Dr Foster sat down at her desk and began typing. Just like that. I was slightly in shock but maybe this happened almost every day, maybe I wasn’t such a minority after all.
“Now, from your blood results we’re able to confirm that you are about six weeks along so I would say a month from now to carry out the termination.”
Termination; god I knew that was what they called it but it seemed so harsh, so final. I felt sick. I was already six weeks pregnant. My mind reeled but it made sense. Luke and I had been going out two years on New Years.
“Okay, ehm, what do I do then?” I asked.
“Well a month from now puts us on March 15th. Is that an okay date for you to have the procedure?”
Dr Foster must have seen my pale face and shaking hands.
“This isn’t your only option Amy, but if you feel like it’s what is best for you then we are to give you all the support you need.”
I nodded, taking it all in.
“There’s a clinic, no that’s a bad word for it; there’s a place over near Islington. It’s kind of a women’s run place for young women who are either pregnant or have young children themselves. The people are really lovely and they meet three times a week, there will be girls there in your situation and ones who have gone through what you may do yourself. I’d really advise giving them a visit one evening Amy. I’ll call and tell the lady there to expect one of my patients okay?”
I said yes, thinking no way on earth was I heading all the way over there to feel awkward amongst a group of girls who led completely different lives to me.
“Okay, great.” She smiled brightly, “Now that’s all for today, we’ll call to arrange another appointment before the procedure just to go through everything involved.”
“Great, thanks so much Dr,” I said, hopping off the leather bed and making my way towards the door.
“Amy,” said Dr Foster.
“Your very brave, just remember; it’s a long life,
” she smiled. I nodded and let myself out. It’s a long life I thought as I began walking towards Tara’s; but we only have one so I’d better make Tara believe in hers before it was too late.
She was on her couch, watching re runs of ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ our joint favourite show.
“Oh no, Izzy dies in this episode,” I said sitting down next to her.
“Shh, it’s about to happen,” whispered Tara, holding the blanket up to her, she threw one over me. I wrapped it around myself as we watched the scene unfold.
When the credits started I looked over to Tara and a silent tear was gliding down her cheek.
“It’ll be okay Tara, I promise.”
“I’m so disappointed in myself,” she said quietly. “I never thought I’d let it get that far…”
“How long?” I asked, scared of the answer.
“Since September really… It s
ounds so stupid but I wanted to keep those summer bodies we’d worked so hard for, remember all the runs and karate classes.”
We both laughed, they had been a flunk.
“Tara you don’t need to do that to yourself.”
“I know, of course I know that but then with all the stress and…” she whispered. “Mum and Dad on my back about medicine it just seemed like the one thing I could control in my life while they were trying to take control of my future. Oh Amy I’m so embarrassed, but I’ve to go to this place now every Wednesday evening, I really don’t want to but Mum and Dad are so afraid I’ll start again.”
“Have you stopped?” I asked
Tara nodded, “I’m trying to… I mean it’s only been a few days and I’ve gone that long before but just eating and everything is hard. That’s why I didn’t go to school. I can’t bear the thought of the canteen and then having to ….” Her voice trailed off.
“No, you won’t have to I promise. You’re going to get better Tara; you are like the strongest person I know. Please go to the place on Wednesday and please come to school tomorrow, no-one else need ever know.”
“That’s exactly what I want Amy, nobody to know, please don’t tell Lily she would worry so much and then she would probably bake me a cake or something and that would really just top it all off.”
We laughed, because that’s what best friends do, we laugh at the difficult things to make them that bit easier.
“Don’t worry, everything is going to okay, what do we always say?” I asked cheerfully.
Tara smiled. “Everything…” I joined in with her, “always happens for a reason.”
I wasn’t sure I believed those words anymore. Maybe some things just happen and we have no control. Or if they do, I wish to god I knew what the reasons were.
Chapter 6
A week later I was sitting on a bus. Life was strangely normal. Tara was back in school, I could see her struggle sometimes but Lily was doing a good job of cheering her up. Even if Lily didn’t actually know what was going on with Tara, I knew she sensed something had happened. She didn’t ask questions, she just helped. She was good like that. We hadn’t had our pre-planned sleepover these past two weekends but I knew Tara wasn’t ready for popcorn and cupcakes and well I wasn’t ready for confined space with the two people I told everything to. Luke and I, well we were talking about everything. I hadn’t yet told him I’d already a date for an abortion. I think that’s why I was on this bus, to figure out how to do the rest.