by Izzy Hodder
I got off the bus at the Highgate and Islington stop. I was rarely in this part of the city, and I was rarely catching buses around London after school alone. But I was at my wits end and the booklet that Dr Foster had given me during our last consultation seemed to be as good a shot as any at figuring out where to go from here. I followed the little map on the back of the booklet until I was standing outside what appeared to be an old renovated church. A woman with a double buggy was struggling to get through the tall, narrow doors and a girl no older than Mike tried to help her. Both of the girl’s stomach looked ready to burst. I took a few steps forward and followed the two girls into the building. Once inside I started to panic. I saw a group of three other pregnant girls surrounded by toddlers aching for their attention. My chest tightened. I mean I knew this place was going to be full of young mothers but I hadn’t expected it to seem so, so real. I turned to leave. A firm hand took my shoulder.
“Hello there darling, are you our lovely newbie?” drawled a South African lady, dressed head to toe in colourful garments. I envied her bravery of style for a moment. Her eyes were old and wrinkled but her smile was young and vibrant, taking at least ten years off her actual age I guessed.
“I, um I’m…” I started, what was wrong with me. Speak. She put her arm around my shoulder in a motherly way.
“Now don’t be worried. I can see how walking into this loud mess can be a bit overwhelming but once you settle in I’m sure you’ll consider this your second home. Remember, this is a place you can come and feel completely non-judged.”
I nodded and she smiled; unwrapping her arm from behind me she clapped her hands together to get all of the girl’s attention. There wasn’t a boy in sight, apart from a few toddlers maybe.
“Alright everyone, time to head into the main hall and take a seat.”
I followed the group as we made our way further into the old building, coming into a snug room with about fifteen chairs set up in a circle. In the corner there was a soft mat spread out with a collection of toys laid out. Everyone took a seat, until I and another girl with long but dead looking light brown hair were the only two standing.
“Ah Crystal! Your back, I thought you had left us for good,” cried the lady in the colourful garments. “Take a seat you two.”
The girl who I now knew was Crystal looked at me and smiled. “Come on,” she mouthed and took my hand, leading me to two spare sits in the circle. Crystal was very pregnant and she wore a bright pink top that didn’t fully cover her bump. Her dirty tracksuit bottoms had holes in them. If I had seen Crystal under any other circumstances; I would have avoided eye contact and possibly crossed to the other side of the road. Now I was ashamed to think I would have even considered that. Once seated she let go of my hand.
“Great girls, now we have a new lovely lady today. Gosh and I haven’t even introduced myself to her yet, well I’m Deborah and I lead this group every second day. Now love; introduce yourself to the group and tell us a few words about yourself. Why you’re here and how you’re feeling etc. Then we will all tell you our little stories okay?”
I nodded. I could see Crystal smiling encouragingly at me.
“I’m Amy,” I said. “Ehm, I’m 17 and I guess I’m here because, well I’m pregnant.”
The whole group laughed and I didn’t feel like such an alien.
“Great work Amy, well I’m Deborah. When I was fifteen I got pregnant because of rape. I had my baby, a gorgeous little girl who I named Zara but she died of cot death at only three weeks old. When I finished school I decided I wanted to help women who needed the help I needed so badly when I was young, so here we are today. Now girls, you know the drill.”
A young girl with a baby on her lap sitting next to Deborah started talking. She was nineteen and her baby was now four months old. She got pregnant after having sex for the first time at a party with a boy she barely knew. She never told the boy.
The next girl grew up in foster care and had been sexually abused by the people who were supposed to be looking after her one weekend. She was now seven months pregnant and living with a new family whom she said she adored. She said she was going to give the baby up for adoption once it was born.
The girl’s stories continued, each one as sad, shocking but somewhat amazing as the other. I admired all these girls who I would have once labelled a bunch of unsightly names.
The next girl spoke, her name was Katie. She was twenty and she wanted to have an abortion. “I haven’t told anyone in my family yet, but the father of the baby wants me to and I think I do too.”
“Remember Katie, it’s your body and your choice,” said Deborah.
“I know,” sighed Katie, “but is it awful that it’s what I want too?”
I exhaled. Someone I could really relate to, I thought.
“It’s not awful at all,” perked up a blonde haired girl a few seats to my left. “I had an abortion two weeks ago and I’m twenty-one but no way am I ready to be a mother. It wouldn’t be right for me, or for the baby. One in three women will have an abortion in their life. It doesn’t need to be looked upon so harshly in my opinion. Do what you feel you want Katie,” she then smiled at me, “I’m Sandra by the way.”
I nodded and then spoke. “I think I’m going to get an abortion too,” I said looking down at my hands. “I feel I’m too young and I won’t be any good to a new child.”
Crystal moved in her seat next to me.
“I understand your choices completely Katie and Amy and I one hundred percent agree that it is the woman’s choice and it is not a bad thing at all. But I couldn’t imagine giving up my little girl. I don’t know why but I can’t wait to be her mum but girls I know exactly how you feel and respect you so much for doing what you feel is right. After all it’s different for everyone,” Crystal smiled and shrugged and I smiled back.
“Lovely words Crystal,” said Deborah. “Now everyone, what do you think is the most misjudged thing people think about young pregnant women?”
This got all the girls talking passionately and loudly. I sat back quiet and listened to everything they said. They were so wise for being so young. Maybe pregnancy did that to you. And they were right too; lots of people would think they were sluts, or part time druggies. I knew this because only a few weeks ago, although I rarely thought of it, they may have been my thoughts too.
“I think it’s insane because it’s like somehow we got ourselves pregnant. We get all the dirty looks and the pursed lips. It’s like no, we didn’t just wind up like this ourselves. There was a boy involved and he walks away unscathed. It’s insanely wrong,” said the girl who grew up in foster care. Carla was her name.
Deborah wound the session up a couple of minutes later and everyone got up to leave chattering away as they did. I walked out into the fresh air.
“Hey, hey Amy wait up,” shouted a voice behind me. I spun around and Crystal was moving slowly, her hand resting on her protruding stomach.
“Wanna talk a quick walk? Grab a Starbuck’s, I think this baby needs some sugar it’s kicking like a mad woman,” she laughed.
I looked at her stomach, the sight of it alien to me. “Here, have a feel.” She grabbed my hand and placed it on her warm stomach. I thought I would hate this but I could feel what felt like millions of little butterflies inside her. I smiled.
“Starbucks?” she asked, starting to walk. I hate to admit this, but I hesitated. Not because I was worried my mum would wonder where I was or because I didn’t want to get the bus home in the dark. I hesitated because, as horrible and awful as this sounds, a part of me didn’t want to be associated with a dirty looking young pregnant girl. Some terrible part of my mind screamed, think of who you are, think of your reputation.
“Are you coming?” asked Crystal, smiling so wide and happy. Screw that, I thought, that was then. I’m not that person anymore. “Coming,” I said running after her.
My Reputation
It wasn’t until I moved school that I got a ‘sol
id, don’t mess with her’ one. Before that as you know I was the weirdo, the freak and that hurt me so much that anything would be better. Tara had a reputation. Her reputation was doing whatever she wanted whenever she wanted and although not many people were friends with her, those who were loved her without hesitation. My reputation wasn’t like that at all. I guess mine was more given to me. My reputation came along with Luke, he was the first one who noticed me and once we were together I became more noticed. Not for bad reasons, Luke was a good-looking boy but by no means was he a player. I was his first girlfriend and apparently everyone who knew him all his life had bets on who it would be, seeing as most of the boys at this stage had already been associated with someone, he was different in that sense. I was fresh meat and no one ever suspected it would be me. The fact that he had never showed any interest in other girls, beyond the occasional kiss on a night out, could have given the girls reason to hate me; but then the fact that I had befriended Lily who was friends on a low level basis with everyone and the fact that I was already known as Tara’s best friend stopped that too. High school was complicated. So they didn’t hate me, instead they respected me. Instead people actually saw me and they liked me and everyone thought I was one of the nicest girls in our year. I’m not saying this to sound conceited, I’m saying it because it’s true. Sure I didn’t actively know most of them on a personal level, but it’s harder to remain liking someone if you do. Maybe that’s why they all liked me, they didn’t know me. So thus my reputation was born. I was the nice girl, the good girl with the lovely family, the cute boyfriend and rock solid best friends. I didn’t do anything out of the ordinary, that wasn’t who I was. I trotted along every day, saying hellos and goodbyes and smiling and everyone was happy. We all have a reputation; we all have a person we’re expected to be. This was mine.
Chapter 7
Over the next week, I met Crystal almost every day. I told Mum I was going to the clinic Dr Foster had suggested and she respected that. Dad still wasn’t happy with me but he at least wished me a good day after breakfast each morning. I was avoiding Luke like the plague for some reason my mind hadn’t yet comprehended, I knew it wasn’t good but he was caught up in assignments at the moment and wanted to get everything done before worrying.
Crystal just got it, and she was funny and kind and so brave. I felt like I could talk to her about all my thoughts and even though she was dead set on keeping her little girl, she didn’t judge me for what I wanted to do.
“So it’s my uncle that got me pregnant,” she shared on our fourth day of meeting. Even though neither of us lived near the Starbucks in Islington, we continued to meet here. It felt like a safe place for both of us.
I almost choked on my caramel hot chocolate.
She nodded. “I know it’s…”
Tears were forming in her eyes but she quickly wiped them away. I’d never seen her cry before and in the short week we’d known each other we’d covered a wide range of topics; many of which had me puffy cheeked and red eyed; but Crystal was strong; I reached out and took her hand.
“I don’t see him anymore, my dad found out and he almost killed him on the street. He left and I don’t know where he went. I don’t want to know.”
“Did you never tell?” I asked, concerned.
“It only happened twice, once when I was very young. At our Christmas party, I was twelve maybe. My mum, well,” Crystal took a deep breath, “she’s not in the picture so I was always with my dad and his brothers. We played cards and stuff, they were fun to be around until…”
I could barely bare to hear this but I somehow felt it was important to Crystal that she told me.
“Until Uncle Rob started doing stuff at that Christmas party when everyone else was too drunk to notice. I was too scared to say anything afterwards and because he never tried anything again I stayed silent. Then six months ago…” Her voice trailed off and she looked up to the sky. Her voice shook; “I told my dad that time.”
“Oh god Crystal, that is awful I am so, so sorry.”
“But it’s okay Amy, really because it gave me Bella.” Bella was what she was going to call her daughter, although I was still unsure about how she indented to raise her.
“I have an aunt, my mum’s sister and she told me if I ever get in trouble I can go and be with her. She was the kindest lady I’d ever met. She made me chocolate chip cookies as a kid. She lives in the country now I think, I sent her an email, she’ll get back to me soon and when Bella’s born, the two of us can go be with her. It’ll be a whole new beginning for me Amy!” Crystal looked so happy, so content. I couldn’t say a thing. I doubted this aunt’s reliability and I worried for both Crystal and Bella’s future, but there was nothing I could do. I just smiled and thanked whatever god there was that I lived the life I did; no matter what. That night I hugged all of my family extra tight before going to bed. Especially Mike.
“You’re the best ever okay,” I whispered into his rock solid gelled hair.
“You’re a weirdo,” he said pushing me away but he smiled as I left, “Glad to see you back to yourself sis, you’ll be okay.”
Chapter 8
March
I took a deep breath as I rang the ‘oh so familiar’ doorbell. I was more nervous than I’d anticipated. It was my first time to go to Luke’s since the whole pregnancy had come out. He had told his parents soon enough afterwards, their reaction had been much like my dad’s. Not good. But apparently now they were completely okay with it. I found this hard to believe. I hadn’t seen them since but Luke had told me to come over this evening in an attempt to break the ice. I still hadn’t told him about the abortion. Mom and Dad were both oblivious too. I was going to tell them tonight; March 15th was only four days away.
Luke’s sister opened the door. She was a few years older than us and in college on the south side of the city.
“Hi,” I said, smiling.
Kathy rolled her eyes and turned around. “She’s here,” she shouted, walking away from me. I let myself in and closed the door quietly behind me. That was colder than I’d expected from her. She was the one who used to help sneak me in and out of Luke’s room in the early days. Luke appeared at the end of the hall, he pulled me in to a hug. I guessed his parents couldn’t see us so I hugged him back tightly. It had been too long since I’d felt this safe.
“I’ve missed you so much Amy, I’m sorry I’ve been so caught up in schoolwork but I’ve gotten everything in now, we can concentrate on you and me and well all of this.” He kissed my forehead like he always did and led me into the kitchen.
His mum was sitting at the table reading a book, she was a lecturer of philosophy in Kings College and she was always reading, what I don’t really know; but she had a lot of wise things to say at dinnertime whenever I was there. Sometimes she’d ask us these questions that had no real proper answer, they used to make me feel awkward but now I often looked forward to them when I came here; I could see it was where Luke got his deep thinking side from and I loved that. Luke’s dad was standing over the cooker, on his phone. He ran some sort of computer company and was extremely efficient and practical, the complete opposite of Luke’s mum but I guess sometimes opposites attract, or at least they say so.
“Amy, hello, how are you?” asked Luke’s mum, Sandy was her name, “have a seat.”
“I’m good thanks, you?” I asked, sitting down across from her, Luke sat next to me.
“Amy,” greeted his dad, Tim, turning off his phone and sitting down next to his wife. It felt like an interrogation. I looked at Luke; he could see the discomfort in my face.
“Ehm Mum…” he was at a loss of words.
“Oh my gosh, look at me,” cried his mum jumping up, her long violet cardigan sweeping the floor. “I had baked us all some rocky road cause I know you just love it Amy.” I smiled. Tim rolled his eyes but looked relieved at the distraction. Bringing out baked goods in the middle of what was probably going to be a very serious situation didn’t real
ly seem suitable but any kind of distraction would do. While Sandy took out the rocky road, Tim asked me how school was going and we talked about Luke upcoming exams for getting into Edinburgh, he wanted to study Law and Philosophy there, a good mix for him, I thought.
“Now here we are,” Sandy laid out plates and delicious looking rocky road. We all dug in, the ice broken.
“So Amy, how is everything going with the pregnancy? Let’s not dance about the truth,” asked Tim. I didn’t really want him here to be honest but how did I say that now without sounding rude.
“Ehm well,” I started, my face going red because well pregnancy equals because of sex and I didn’t like to think about what they could be thinking.
‘Tim, honestly, you have such a lack of awareness, why don’t you just go for a little while and me and Amy can talk about this okay,’ said Sandy, smiling at me and swatting Tim away, although I sometimes found Tim intimidating, I liked their relationship. Tim rolled his eyes and took his rocky road with him, patting Luke on the back on his way out.
With Tim gone, I started to talk.
“Look, I don’t know how you,” I turned to Luke, "or your family will feel about this but I think I’ve decided what I’m going to do.’
Sandy’s face went white and Luke grabbed my hand.
“But Amy, we haven’t really talked yet,” he said.
“I know, I know,” I replied, “but I am booked to have an abortion on the 15th.”