by Izzy Hodder
“Oh Amy come look, you can take these extra modules if you choose later on to change isn’t that great? Everything so much more open these days.”
She passed me a leaflet as I sat down. “Ooh great, it’s so close,” I said.
“Well September 23rd is induction week. The baby will all be settled and happy by then. I’m glad we did that big shop the other day, at least now we have all its clothes and crib for the first while.”
“All new people,” I said, ignoring her reference to our baby shopping day. It had been somewhat fun picking out clothes and cribs, even a pram but it had all felt so weird. “Won’t next year be crazy, I’ll have to make all new friends.”
“You’re great at making friends,” said Mum, I gave her a look.
“Oh honey, that was years ago at this stage. You’re a completely different person and besides it was never you, it was them.”
“I know that now, I don’t know though, I’m actually really nervous… I really am, Mum.”
“My god she’s human,” laughed Mum.
“What?” I asked confused.
“All this time Amy, all you’ve gone through in these last few months is enough to turn most people upside down. But you, you’ve been the calmest person in it all and it’s been happening to you. I don’t know how you’ve done it and I’m very proud of you, all you had to be scared and frightened of, an abortion, a boyfriend and my god a baby in a few days but you don’t falter. It’s okay Amy, you’re allowed to be scared,” she put her arm around me.
“The thing is, Mum, the pregnancy doesn’t make me nervous anymore and I don’t know why…” I was about to tell her I was afraid I was making the wrong choice, going to college to study nursing, despite the baby.
“Maybe it hasn’t kicked in yet, maybe when you’ve a screaming baby in your arms you’ll realise,” she joked.
I smiled, “Maybe but Mum, what makes me most nervous… or not nervous so much as I think it’s wrong, I don’t know if I want to…” but I couldn’t finish my sentence because I felt something weird, something like a pop. I looked down.
“Mummmm,” I cried out.
“Oh my god oh my god,” she jumped up, “MIKE CALL YOUR FATHER, AMY’S WATER BROKE.”
I stayed looking at my soaked pants. This was happening. Mike ran into the living room and looked at me.
“Oh shit,” he said.
“Mike, language,” said Mum. I managed out a small laugh, “call your father and tell him to meet us at the hospital,” said Mum suddenly calm.
Mike ran out, “Come on Amy, hold on to me. Just breathe you’re fine,” she took me by the arm and led me out.
Once in the car, she fastened the seat belt around me as Mike jumped in the back.
“I just called Luke and Tara too,” he said. “I thought you’d want me to.”
“Thanks Mike,” Mum started to drive. I felt every bump in the road and then these terrible pains started. Maybe I was plain stupid but I hadn’t thought about contractions.
“Oh god oh god,” I cried out. “We’re almost there Amy,” said Mum calmly.
“Ahh noo, I can’t,” I shouted.
“Here Amy, take my hand.” Mike reached out his hand to mine in the front and I grabbed it and squeezed it with all my might. I couldn’t help it.
When we arrived at the hospital, two nurses came out with a wheelchair and took me in. Mum and Mike walked along beside me, I screamed out in pain. I thought I was going to die when they put me on to the bed and took of my clothes and put me in a gown. I couldn’t say any words, I couldn’t even think. All I could do was feel and all I felt was pain. Everything was about to change.
Just a Day in Time
“I know I’ll never settle,” said Tara.
“Yeah you never will,” nodded Lily reaching for some garlic bread. It was summer and we were spending the week with Lily’s grandparents by the sea, we were out for dinner ourselves on our last night.
“I’m afraid I’ll always be looking for more,” I said.
“But what about Luke?” asked Lily, “do you not feel he’s enough, even now?”
I was silent, he was enough but that wasn’t what I meant.
“I think Amy means in life,” offered Tara.
“Yeah, like I’m afraid I will always want more.”
“That’s not a bad thing, you’ll achieve things that way,” said Lily. “I’m afraid that I’ll always be too afraid, too afraid to try even.”
“No Lil,” I said, “you have to try.”
“I know and I do, but only the easy things you know? I never step outside of my comfort zone.”
“It’s scary,” said Tara.
“What scares you the most?” I asked the two of them.
“Easy,” said Lily, “not having you two.”
“That terrifies me too,” I agreed. “Tara?”
“Me too of course but also I guess I’m afraid of always being too scared to let people see the real me.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“I mean I put up a wall, I fake things and I lie and I always tell myself I’ll stop but I don’t and I’m afraid I’ll live my whole life in fear of what others would think if they knew the real me.”
“People will love,” said Lily, “don’t we?”
Tara smiled and then said, “And you Amy?”
“I’m afraid of breaking my own heart,” I said slowly, “with my decisions, I think I screw up a lot of my chances in the mindset that if I mess it up then I can’t get hurt because it was my mistake. It’s a twisted logic,” I shrugged and sipped my water.
“Okay, I’ve a question,” said Lily, “ten years’ time, where are we?”
“Oh okay I love these,” said Tara, “so we will be 27.”
“I’ll have met my man definitely,” said Lily, “and we will be just about to move in together. Oh I’ll be engaged. I always wanted to get engaged at twenty six.”
“Hahah you’re crazy, but I agree. I want my perfect man and I want us to live in a big city, not London but maybe New York or Sydney. We will have a little apartment together and I’ll be acting in shows every-night and we will always have after parties to go to together,” said Tara.
“But we will all live close,” said Lily, “and even if we don’t we have to have an annual holiday together and when we do have kids they will all know each other. At one stage we will all live together single in like a city and we can go out every night and have nights in with pizza and movies,” said Lily.
“I think that’ll be in our early twenties, like maybe during college,” I said, “that would be the best, imagine the three of us in our own apartment.”
“You in ten years then?” asked Lily.
In all honesty I didn’t like to think about the future much. It scared me too much because I knew the future involved change and right now I had my two best friends, I had Luke and I had my family and I didn’t want any of that to change.
“I’ve always wanted a penthouse,” I offered.
“Hahah you’re ridiculous, give us something solid. Come on, where will we find you, where can we send our letters to?” joked Tara.
“Just me,” I said. “I don’t know guys, all of that scares me, in all honestly in my future I just want to have great people and I just want to be as happy as I am, right here, right now.”
“I’ll raise my glass to that,” said Lily, Tara raised hers too. “Spot on,” she said.
“To the future,” said Lily.
“To the future,” we echoed.
Chapter 24
It felt like my mind woke up before my eyes dared to open. My hand flew automatically to my belly; deflated, flat. Well not fully but compared. My eyes fluttered open, taking in my surroundings. It was very bright but there was Luke, lying face down asleep at the bottom of my bed, his hand resting on my leg. Mum and Dad were at the bottom of the room, their backs to me talking in whispers to Deborah; who was holding a massive bouquet and basket. To my right Mike h
ead was asleep on Tara’s shoulder. His red-rimmed eyes looked down at my old teddy that was nestled in her lap, she was smiling. I didn’t say anything, for a moment I just wanted to soak in this feeling of overwhelming love. I felt safe. I wanted to carry this feeling with me through whatever the future brought. I thought of the baby.
“Hello,” I croaked out, my throat dry and parched.
“Amy!” exclaimed Mum waking Luke and Mike up. Suddenly, they were all around me: Mum stroking my hair, Tara babbling excitedly, Luke grabbed my hand.
“How are you feeling Amy?” Deborah’s strong voice boomed over the noise. She smiled at me knowingly. I smiled back thankfully.
“Where’s Alice?” I asked, sitting upright in my bed and looking around.
“Right here,” said a voice coming into the room and suddenly amongst them all there was Dr Foster, holding my blue-eyed baby in her arms.
“I had to come in to see you, then I passed this one in the hall and I just couldn’t resist having a peek. When we heard all the excitement down here we just rushed to join the party didn’t we little one,” she cooed over Alice, bringing her towards me. I reached out my hands and took her. She looked up at me so innocently; I had always thought babies were ugly until I saw her. I just loved her immediately. It felt like I already had.
After a little while of us all taking some pictures and turns holding her; I asked if Luke and I could just have a moment alone with Alice.
Everyone nodded; Tara kissed my forehead and then Alice’s.
“I’m so proud of you,” she whispered before following everyone else in silence. I moved over in the bed and Luke sat up next to me. A tear slid down his cheek as we held Alice together.
“She’s ours Amy,” he whispered, playing with Alice’s closed hands. Her eyelashes were fluttering but she was staying so silent.
“Isn’t she beautiful?” I said. We sat in silence. The warmth of his body radiated onto me and Alice.
“I’m so scared Luke,” I finally said. He held me tight.
“We can do this,” he spoke, “whatever this involves; I know we’re strong enough. I love you enough.”
I smiled nostalgically; for some unknown reason that was how I felt; nostalgic.
“She’s a little mixture of you and me,” I said, “isn’t that crazy Luke. She’s our love, mine and yours in a person.”
I looked at him. “God, I love you,” he said laughing.
“Always in all ways,” I grinned back, cheesily.
“I know we spoke about it before Amy but I believe now more than anything we can do it. I promise to be here no matter what.”
I nodded. I believed him, he would. Luke knew I needed a few minutes alone with Alice; he always knew these things so he got up to leave, kissing Alice’s head.
When I was all alone in the room I spoke to Alice. I told her everything about her, me, Luke and everyone. I told her how she happened and how she was a surprise. It felt like rain after a long drought to speak all of those unspoken words. She looked up at me with her big blue eyes the whole time and didn’t make a sound. I like to believe a part of her understood me, even though I know that’s probably impossible. I said I was sorry countless times, I wasn’t really sure what for but I told her how happy I was that she was here now. How I’d never felt such an attachment to a soul before. Her little fingers were wrapped around mine. Holding as tight as her little muscles could. I knew, for the first time in forever, exactly what I had to do.
The End.
Epilogue
It’s been ten years since that cold February day. It’s been ten years of joy, pain, choices, loss, happiness, but most of all it’s been ten years of life. My world didn’t collapse on that day, even though I was sure it would at any given moment. No, my life didn’t end. Even though I believed I would be branded for the rest of my life, I thought I would always feel the loss; that my past would be etched onto the skin of my face and any stranger would glance at me and see a terrible, messy past, grimace and keep on walking. That day didn’t ruin my life, since then I’ve learned nothing can. It just changed it. Who knows where I would be had it not happened to me, but see that’s what we can never do, we can never really make fully informed decisions as we have no past life to learn from or no future life to perfect it in. We just do our best, and that’s what I did. I did my very best. The day Alice was born I filed her for an adoption. My parents, as you know, only ever wanted what was best for me, and when I made the choice I knew it was the right one. She would be ten now. I got sent a photo of her for the first few years and I just know from her smile that she has a wonderful mum. I couldn’t have been that for her, not then. No matter what people tried to tell me, I had nothing to offer her as a parent. I was still a child myself. Perhaps some people may see it as selfish but I wanted to live my life. After having Alice in August I took some time to myself, in a way I mourned the sense of everlasting youth I knew I would never taste fully again. But I was young and malleable and the greatest thing about life is we can never be irreparably broken so I pulled all my pieces together and started fresh. I got a job in a coffee shop. I still had my offers from London University but I didn’t know anymore if nursing was right for me, I deferred for a year. Then one day I saw a sign on the notice board looking for volunteers to answer help lines on weekday nights. I went to the centre that evening and half an hour later I was sitting at a desk beside many others answering a phone. Something clicked with me, over the coming weeks I went to the centre every night. I really worked well just offering an ear to women suffering violence, kids scared their parents were going to split. I even got a call from a sixteen-year-old girl about to have an abortion. I did my research and I found a course in the University of Copenhagen, it was human rights specialising in women’s rights. I applied and in July I got a letter in the mail confirming my entrance. I didn’t know how to feel, I would be leaving behind London and all the places and people I loved, but at the same time I could start fresh. I had this chance, this chance to not forget about what happened to me and what I did, but this chance to move on from it. So I took it.
I know your all wondering what happened to all those people in my life, most importantly Luke and Tara. Luke and I stayed together, for a while, as you know we loved each other very much and we had a child together, nothing could ever break that bond. As I said when Alice was born, there was now a little mixture of Luke and I out there in the world, and to me there is no other way to show how much our love for each other meant; than to pass our love to another human being. It will live forever this way. We broke up about four months after Alice was born. Our paths were headed in different directions no matter what had happened. It broke my heart for years, his too. After a few years of contact we just couldn’t bear it anymore and we decided to leave contact for a while. I still miss him but I know some people will stay with us forever and out of all the people in the world that my heart will never forget, I’m so very glad it’s him.
Tara lived out her dream. She went to theatre school in London and in the last year or two she has made it big time. She’s now touring as a lead in West End’s Matilda. She’s started going around to secondary schools teaching eating awareness workshops too with a group of women from the clinic she went to for recovery.
As for Crystal; I never heard from her; despite my continued attempt at contact. Then one day; when I had just moved to Copenhagen; Mum called me to say she had seen a death notice in the paper. A young girl named Crystal Walker had fallen from her 40th storey apartment in Hackney. It was unclear whether the incident was accidental or on purpose. No family was there to witness. This news hit me hard; because in ways I viewed, and still view today, Crystal as my alter person. The person I so easily could have been and the awful things that happened to her that I was just lucky to have not experienced. She taught me a lot and I will never forget her. I also thank her, because if it weren’t for her; I probably would have had the abortion on March 15th and although I know that wouldn’t h
ave been a bad thing; I also know I’m so happy with how it all did work out and the lessons I learned.
Just because Lily and I fell out; doesn’t mean she wasn’t a fundamental person in my growing up. Sometimes I miss her, she’s contacted me a few times and once we even went for coffee when I was back in London; but we’re different people. Our lives have drifted too far for us to ever go back together, she was important to me though, she showed me and taught me a sort of kindness I’ve tried to carry with me. She got married last year and now she lives in Kent, working in elementary schools teaching music now as far as I know.
As for me, well now I live in San Francisco. I’ve been here for two years now. I’ve made friends, not many of them know about Alice, I don’t hide it but I don’t broadcast it either. I’ve met a guy, his name’s Lucas and he’s a painter, with his own gallery downtown. I haven’t told him much about my life yet, healings a long process but as Dr Foster once told me; life is long and we have so many years to try and try again.
I write letters to Alice, one ever year. I don’t know if she’ll ever see them; I keep them in a box. The necklace Luke gave me is in there too, for her. Maybe one day we will meet and she can read all about it; maybe we won’t.
Whatever happens, I’ve come to realise that Deborah was right in that hospital waiting room all those years ago. Our lives do lie in circumstance, and luck and chance but choice; well that’s up to us. At the end of the day, I’m alive, Luke’s alive and Alice is alive. We’re not together in the traditional sense, but we will never be apart.
Some people will say I made a mistake, they’ll say I will be haunted by this for the rest of my life, that I won’t be able to forget and that not a day will go by that I won’t think of her. They’re right, not a day does go by that I don’t think of Alice, but they’re wrong, I’m not haunted by my past and yes I won’t ever forget it but that’s okay because it’s my past, it’s me and I don’t want to forget, I want to be okay with remembering.