by Izzy Hodder
“Amy, we make mistakes. I know you’re a good person and I love you. I believe you when you tell me it’s for a reason but I’m not ready to hear what that is because that means knowing who he is and I just don’t want to know that yet. But one day okay.”
“Okay,” I said, “Luke; are you serious?”
“Yes I am Amy, we’re okay, are you home now?”
“Just outside home,” I said.
“Okay, well go to bed, I’ll be home tomorrow, let’s talk then.”
“I love you,” I said.
“You too,” he clicked off and sank into my front steps in shock. It was a cold summers night but I’d hardly felt it.
I knew why Luke forgave me, it was because his older sister had told him that weekend that she had cheated on her boyfriend of four years but it had been for a reason. He wouldn’t tell me what it was but her boyfriend had understood that people are only human and perfection isn’t reality.
I still felt like a terrible person for a while but in the end it made me more open to peoples mistakes, Luke made them throughout our relationship, nothing like cheating but mistakes still and I could see past them. I haven’t told you those mistakes because I don’t dwell on them and I know once someone hears about the mistakes a person makes it’s easy to see them for only that. But that’s not who Luke or I are or anyone for that matter, no one is there mistakes. So yeah, you were probably wondering why I was so okay so quickly with him and Lily, well this is why. I’d already done it to him a long time ago, I knew we were young and I knew we did bad things but I knew that didn’t make us bad people. And I knew our loves was stronger than a few wrong turns and a couple of mistakes. What made me and Luke perfect was that we weren’t perfect at all, not one bit. And we weren’t blind to the fact that we made mistakes either nor in denial that we made them, we were just in love and when you’re in love you see more, so in a round-about way, you’re willing to see less.
Chapter 22
August
It was the third of August; I ticked of the day on the calendar in my kitchen like I always did. Today we got our exam results and on this day in a month’s time I would have a baby.
“Will you be okay?” asked Mum from the kitchen table, “going in and getting your results I mean.”
“Yeah of course, Tara is going to collect me on the way with Sam and Lily and Luke will both be there, I’ll be fine,” I smiled and took a spoonful of cereal.
“I’m sure you did fine, you’ve got your offers from London University anyways, if you don’t get the exact marks you’ve still got a shot at a different course so don’t stress okay.”
I rolled my eyes, she was more stressed than me, honestly the last thing I’d thought of this summer was results. I’d spent time with the girls and Luke and Sam, we’d gone to the beach for a day last week when the sun was blaring, I’d been to the centre for young women so many times but still no sign of Crystal. Deborah was helping me look, that reminded me
“Oh Mum I said I’d pop over to Deborah and the girls at the centre this afternoon after I got my results, they all want to know how I get on.”
“That’s sweet; I’ll have to meet all of these girls one day.”
“Yeah, I think the girls might come with me, they’re kind of curious too and Deborah is always telling me to bring people.”
“Good idea, well, all of you can come back here this evening and I’ll cook your favourite.”
I laughed and Mum looked confused, my phone pinged ‘here x’ from Tara. I kissed my mum on the forehead.
“Thanks Mum, I’ll text you, see you later Tara and Sam are outside.”
“Tell them I said good luck,” she called after me.
“Hey guys,” I said, hopping slowly into the back. I was only getting bigger and bigger.
"You good back there partner’ asked Tara.
“Doing my best,” I joked.
“Hey there Amy,” said Sam pulling away from my house.
“Thanks for the lift,” I said.
“No problem, are you nervous?” he asked.
“I am, extremely,” said Tara wringing her hands nervously.
“But…” I started.
“I know, I know I won’t be using my results with theatre school but still I don’t know why but I’ve got all these butterflies ah,” Tara had gone for the audition and gotten a definite offer. She was in.
“You’ll do great,” said Sam putting his hand on hers. They were cute, in a non-showy way. Sam and Tara were slow and steady, small displays, Tara was happy and so was Sam.
“What about you Sam, do you think you got enough for social studies?”
“I mean, I hope so but you never know right, I’ve a few back-ups anyways.”
We pulled up outside the school, everyone in our year was walking in excitedly. Some with their parents, some in groups of friends. I hadn’t thought this through.
“I can’t walk in there,” I said. Sam and Tara turned around to face me. “No I mean I really can’t. I’m an idiot I didn’t think this through, I did think it might be awkward but I forgot completely about parents and…”
“No, shh Amy, you don’t have to do this but you can. I know you can.”
I looked at her, then looked out the window, there was Sarah and her posse, near her was Ally with both her mum and dad.
“Oh god,” I groaned putting my head in my hands.
“I think people will admire you if you do,” said Sam, “I know I would.”
“Yeah Amy they really would and you know what, anyone who gives you a look is just full of shit. Honestly and you will never see these people again, you may as well go out with a bang.”
I couldn’t help but smile and think to myself ‘literally’, “You guys go in, I’ll call the school or something.”
There was a tap on my window Luke, he was beaming.
I opened the door and he put his head in to all of us
“I got in guys I got Edinburgh!”
“Oh my god Luke well done,” I cried and wrapped my arms around his neck. I was so happy for him, this was his dream. Away from me and the baby I know…
“But what’s even better is I got London too,” he said looking at me, “I’ll be able to stay.”
“What really?” Luke had applied to Edinburgh because the points were lower but in the process he had fallen in love with the place, I just presumed it would have been his first choice.
“Well done mate,” said Sam.
“Yeah congratulations Luke really well done,” smiled Tara, “come on let’s go find out our futures,” she said.
“I’ll help you out,” said Luke taking my hand, I hesitated.
“What’s wrong?” he asked. Sam and Tara looked at me.
“Nothing,” I said and took his hand to get out. If people were going to talk about me I may as well give them something to talk about.
When we walked into the hall, Lily was the first person I saw. She was talking with a group of people and she looked really happy. The group she was with saw me as I walked in and she turned with them. She said something quickly and ran over to me. I breathed a sigh of relief and I think Tara did beside me too, we shouldn’t have doubted her but the past isn’t easy to forget even if you can forgive.
“Girls,” she said seriously grabbing our hands, “I got it I got my first choice,” we both hugged her and screamed before going to the table to get ours.
I got it; I got nursing in London University. When I opened the envelope and saw it I felt nothing, I know that’s not good sign but with everything else, what I got in my exams honestly seemed like the least important thing ever, and I just didn’t feel the same attachment to nursing as I once did. I knew that it was my future but what was my future now anyways? I tried to shake the feeling.
“Well…” Tara and Lily looked to me nervously.
“Huh? Oh yeah I got it, first choice,” I tried to smile.
“Oh well done Amy, I don’t know how you’ve done everything,” said Lily and
Tara hugged me.
“Me too, first choice I mean, not that it matters, but if I have some incredibly personality change overnight then I’ll be in pre-med in the morning, wouldn’t my parents be delighted,” she laughed.
“I think you’ll have much more fun keeping them on their toes with you in acting school,” said Lily.
Sam and Luke walked over to us.
“I think she just loves the fact that it’s out of their control,” laughed Sam.
“So true,” said Lily rolling her eyes, “nah I make them sound worse than they are, they are happy for me with whatever I do but you know…”
“It’s fun to feel rebellious,” I said.
“Exactly,” she said and we all laughed, I looked around. Some people were looking over but mainly everyone was much more concerned about their own futures. I shouldn’t have thought about it so much, at the end of the day, people are always a lot less interested than you actually think.
We made a quick escape; I wasn’t too keen in sticking around in case a few teachers wanted to talk. Tara was the same, their star med student wasn’t talking her offer; stats would be down.
So Lily, Tara and I all piled into the back of Sam’s car with him and Luke sitting in the front.
“So guys, where to?” asked Sam.
“I think we’re going to head over to Amy’s pregnant place aren’t we?” said Tara enthusiastically.
“Pregnant place,” I blurted out laughing, Lily joined me. “Yeah it’s just where Amy goes when she feels like being pregnant,” she said.
The boys laughed, “I’m sorry,” said Tara putting her hands up, “but you all knew what I meant, clinic or whatever it is.”
“Well, to the pregnant place we go,” said Sam, stepping on the accelerator.
On the way I texted Mum to let her know I got my place, I didn’t feel the excitement I knew she was feeling when I received back,
‘Congratulations you are a star’ followed by rows of emojis, she loved those. But I packed those feelings away as we pulled up outside my little renovated church.
“This is it,” I said and Sam stopped the car. “There should be a group in there right about now and I told them you all were coming so don’t worry, they often bring people for support, it’s pretty chill.”
We all hopped out of the car, Lily looked uncomfortable, she linked her arm in with mine and I led the way.
Inside, everyone was in a circle with Deborah standing up and walking around talking expressively to the girls.
“Hey guys,” I said loudly and they all turned and smiled.
“Amy,” cried Deborah, “you brought your friends; we were all just talking about when you would arrive.”
Katie stood up and came over to me, she was the girl who was considering getting an abortion on my first day here. She had done it but she still came to visit. We had gotten friendly. She was a really fun person to be around. She gave me a hug.
“Come and sit down guys,” she said to all of us.
Deborah nodded, “Yes do, tell us all your story, don’t worry you don’t need to be pregnant to have one.”
All the girls laughed, I did too. Lily had unhooked her arm from me and was shifting nervously from foot to foot. Tara just looked in awe of everyone. Luke and Sam both walked over to the seats pretty relaxed and sat down, I was about to take a seat next to Luke when Lily let out a cry.
“Lily calm down,” I saw Tara whisper furiously into her ear, she started to shake.
“I’ve got to go,” said Lily, “you guys, you’re just…” She looked nervous but angry.
“Lily what’s wrong?” I asked, walking over to her at the edge of the circle.
All the girls started to whisper ‘is she okay?’ I heard one say ‘is it us?’ said another ‘if it is what a bitch, how is Amy friends with her’
“Lily you’re really causing a scene,” said Tara.
Lily froze, she had gone very pale and looked like she was going to get sick.
“Is she okay?” asked Deborah, walking quickly over to us
“Lil’.” I reached out to her. She slapped me away. She looked at all of the girls sitting in a circle and suddenly I saw what she saw. Wasn’t it what I saw on my very first day? However, unlike Lily I had the fact that I was one of them. I hated myself for seeing them that way when I knew them now and I didn’t know if Lily would ever be able to change her way of thinking. She was traditional that way.
Her face scrunched up, I knew she was seeing the girls in crop tops that showed off their pregnant bellies and the dirty tracksuits and greasy high ponytails. I knew she couldn’t see past this to the good, to even Jules in her nurse’s uniform or Abby wearing her office clothes.
“Lily just take a breath okay, we can-”
"No Amy, it’s okay. I can’t, I’m just not a good enough person I guess I should have known. I’m going and I’m sorry I just….. I don’t know if I can’ she raised her hands and I knew she was talking about more than just being here, at the centre. She was referring to our friendship. There were tears in her eyes.
“I’m sorry, I do hope everything works out okay but I can’t pretend that I don’t just see a mess up when I look at you now, I know I shouldn’t but I do. I’m sorry…” She turned and started to walk quickly away.
“This is it Lily,” yelled Tara moving after her. I pulled her back as Lily turned around. Tara continued, “You don’t get another chance, if you walk out now it’s the end.”
Lily just stared back. I stayed rooted to the spot. A mess up. I had really lost Lily this time, I knew there was no going back.
“You’re choosing this,” said Lily ‘and that is what I can’t watch. Some people have no choice in what happens to them Amy’ I knew she was referring to her sister. In a way I understood. Lily walked out. Tara let out a cry and turned to me. Luke and Sam stood up, for a few moments there was silence. Then of the girls spoke, Rachel was her name.
“Well that was the most drama we’ve had in a while,” they all nodded in agreement.
“And I mean we’ve had our fair share of drama here, didn’t expect it to be your friends though,” said Katie.
“We’re not all like that,” said Tara wiping her eyes.
“Are you okay?” asked both Luke and Sam to Tara and I. We looked at each other.
“Maybe something else is going on with her,” I said, “like do we really know, she can’t be acting so-”
“Oh my god Amy, you are so in denial,” cried Tara. I stepped back. That was not what I was expecting.
“She isn’t able for it okay,” said Tara, “she’s been an absolute bitch to you and you continue to forgive her and then when she’s mad or angry at you, you mope.”
“I don’t mope…”
“Yes, yes you do and you stress so much about her. Why? You don’t need her, can you not see, can you not see that all this time you’ve had me… is that not enough?”
“Oh Tara, of course it is; I just thought I should try…”
“It’s not your problem she can’t deal with small twists in life. I just don’t like to see you upset because of one person when you’ve so many others.”
“I’ve you Tara, thank you so much,” I shook my head at myself. Maybe sometimes not letting someone back in was the stronger option.
“She’s right,” said one of the girls, we both looked up; they were all still sitting their smiling. It was like we had just put on one long performance.
“So many people left me,” said Jenny.
“Me too, even my boyfriend hah,” laughed another.
“It’s part of the package,” nodded Katie.
“It’s tough,” said Deborah as we sat down, Luke and Sam were still standing in shock. ’But what you learn is who is really there for you and Amy. You seem to have a solid bunch around you."
I looked to Tara. “I do,” I said.
“But thank you for the drama,” said Jenny. “I don’t remember a scene like that since this girl Lulu’s m
other came in screaming at her because she’s just found out the father of Lulu’s baby was her own boyfriend.”
“God yeah that was a battlefield,” said another.
“Did that actually happen?” asked Sam innocently.
“Of course,” they laughed, “but don’t worry the boyfriend was closer in age to Lulu than he was to the mother, it was a messy situation, everyone felt bad for Lulu.”
“So this happens a lot?” asked Luke. “I mean people just ditch their friend because they’re pregnant?”
“God of course!” said one of the girls.
“It’s like a rite of passage, some people lose all of their friends but you know then they find us.”
“What we do is,” said Deborah, “we concentrate on the people that are in our lives rather than the people who are gone or who have left, we choose to put our energy and love into those who will return it, there’s many people in this world and we can waste time being sad about the one or the few who can’t return our love or,” she paused for effect, I reckoned she would be an actress or performer in another life, “or we can choose to love what we have, and be thankful for them.”
“That’s really lovely,” said Tara, I nodded.
“You’re right, thank you all so much, if it weren’t for all of you I would be a hell of a lot more in pieces than I am right now…but you know what, screw that,” the girls nodded.
“Screw anyone who doesn’t accept us for what we do and who we are.”
The girls started to clap and I began to laugh, Tara laughed next to me.
“Right then,” smiled Deborah, “I think that wraps us up for the day.”
Chapter 23
It was weird, when I looked at myself in the mirror I still saw the seventeen-year-old me. Because for most of being seventeen I wasn’t pregnant, I was just me, normal, slim, blonde. I still saw that, or at least when I thought of myself that was the image I got. Was that just wishful thinking, would I ever be the same again after this baby was born.
I looked at myself in the mirror, up close. No, I thought, there was already a difference in me. I could never go back. I sighed and went downstairs, slowly. There was only a few days left to my due date left. I found Mum in the living room going through my university letters and information. I forced myself to act excited.